"I've been lonely I've been waiting for you, I'm pretending and that's all I can do, the love I'm sending ain't making it through to your heart….What about love don't you want someone to care about you…What about love don't let it slip away….What about love I only want to share it with you….You might need it someday"- Heart
Joss opened her sore eyes and slowly sat up in her bed she looked the time on her alarm clock and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning.
She sighed as she got up and made her way to the bathroom once she flicked on the lights she just stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying and her work shirt and pants were wrinkled from having fallen asleep in them. She reached for the bottle of pain killers that were prescribe to 'Sarah Reynolds' that she got from the free health clinic under false pretenses, she popped two pills and washed them down.
She turned on her shower and got undressed, once the water was warm enough she got in. After she washed she stood in the shower as she watched the soap suds get washed down the drain.
She felt emotionally drained and overall exhausted. John was making her exhausted, she had been trying, unsuccessfully, to talk to him after what happened at the DOD building, but he was ignoring her. Whenever he needed help he'd ask Fusco and whenever he needed information he'd have Finch ask her.
All she wanted to do was ask him about what was going on between them. She knew what was going on her side, she was stupidly falling in love with, probably the most unavailable man she'd ever met. Pursuing a married man would be easier than trying to start something with John.
At first she tried to ignore it and chalked it up to a school girl crush, but then she realized she was only fooling herself. A person didn't break the law for a crush, a person wouldn't tamper with federal evidence and drug a complete stranger at a club and steal his DNA, and a person with just a little crush didn't try to disarm a bomb vest without proper equipment.
She was falling in love with John and she didn't know what to do about it. She was trying to get him to let her in, but every time they shared a moment, he would pull away. She felt like whenever she made him feel something deeper than camaraderie, he'd retreat until he brought his emotions back under control.
Her thoughts were interrupted as she clutched her side in pain; her ribs started acting up again. When John's former CIA partner rammed them with a truck, after the adrenaline wore off, she realized she had three bruised ribs and bone fracture in her shoulder. She couldn't go to a real hospital and request medical leave without looking suspicious to the FBI agents who were investigating Donnelly's death. Her injuries would bring up questions that she couldn't answer without incriminating herself. So she faked her name and paid cash at a free clinic to treat her injuries.
Joss sank to the floor of the shower to compose herself. As the warm water ran over her, her eyes began to tear up as she rested her head against the shower felt more exposed and lonely than ever before. All she wanted to do was share something special with John, he needed someone to care for him and show him that he was still loved and she wanted to be the one to show him.
She was at a cross road and didn't know where to go and she felt like her only option was to stand still and pretend she wasn't waiting for him. All she could do and hope for at this point was that he didn't wait too long to tell her how he felt.
Her Mom use to tell her that time was a precious thing. That life was an unseen hourglass and every grain of sand represented our time on earth, some people had thousands of grains left and others just had one grain left.
She just hoped that their precious time didn't run out while they were waiting and pretending.