I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.
So, I can apologize, but that really doesn't seem to be very fair or anywhere near enough. But, the truth is I am sorry, believe it or not that's up to you. Life has gotten busy and hectic and things happen, but I should've updated sooner. I wish I had and I apologize once more that I have not gotten this up sooner. Don't worry, you only have to deal with my infrequent updates for a few more chapters should you choose to continue reading. I hope you do but I can't force you. Anyway, hope you enjoy and can forgive me for my colossal lapse in time management.
Ignore any spelling/grammar errors. I kept you waiting long enough and since I don't have the time to read, reread, and read again, to edit it properly tonight, I figured I'd put it up as is and deal with that when I didn't have a long list of things to do.
Chapter 40: Confrontation, Challenge, Growth
"What are you doing in Rachel's room?" Shelby asked dumbfounded as she looked at the mess her sister created; boxes and bags and stacks and piles everywhere. A tornado other than the Rachel storm came in and attacked the room. That's what it seemed like anyway.
Shelby's lighthearted tone didn't sit well with Casey though. Things between the sisters were strained at best, but they were better… much, much better from where they were. They had to come together, they realized, or the disorder won. And that was what they attempted to do; make peace after that blowout in the car. Shelby realized Casey had valid points and
Not turning to look at Shelby, Casey remained on the floor routing through a pile of things. "She'll be home soon." She said, speaking in an ominous tone, not really answering the question.
"I know Casey. I'm excited to have her back. The last time we saw her, she looked so good."
"She did." Casey wasn't going to disagree. The last time they went to visit Rachel, their parents came too. The girl was actually smiling and she looked… Healthy. She was a little fuller, not quite where they would've liked, but definitely less skeletal, and she seemed more of the person Casey knew her to be; how she imagined her to really be before the eating disorder and depression took over and held her in a vice grip. She was finally breaking free and letting others in; accepting her family into her life if only a little.
"So what are you doing?" Shelby tried again trying to be civil and genuinely curious.
"I'm doing what we should've done a long time ago." She stated cryptically. Of all the people, she was the one to hold it together the most and the best, She was the one people looked to for strength and guidance like she knew any more than they did even when she didn't, but this was her unraveling. She tried to hold it together, but, beside her husband, there was no one to really help her deal. So, this was her way of dealing. As weird as it was, now that it was almost over, or at least now that everything was out and help was sought, she wasn't doing so well. She wasn't as put together as she seemed. Maybe because she didn't need to be? They were settling. Rachel was away getting help. Shelby and she were on better terms… She had time to think and stew and it was breaking her because she didn't need to be the rock any longer. They were more solid and the cracks were starting to rear their ugly head.
"And what's that? Destroy her room?" Shelby joked. She, on the other hand, found her own strength in the chaos. Casey's tough love and the first visit with Rachel… they were wake up calls that she heard and heeded. Her growth since was, in several people's opinions, dramatic. All of them were forced to grow up, but Shelby was the one who had the furthest to go when it came to dealing with the situation and she made tremendous strides.
"No, look for the problem." Casey said like Shelby should've known that.
Curious, Shelby stepped into the room, still taking in the mess. "And, what did you find?" She questioned.
"Look around Shelby." She spoke somberly, but Shelby listened, searching blindly for something. What was she supposed to see? "Each of these piles is of… evidence."
"Evidence? It's not a crime Case." Though it felt like they were the victim of one… And, in many ways, that room was once a crime scene. Casey definitely didn't appreciate didn't appreciate the humor, sharply looking to her sister with a pointed glare. "Each one?" Shelby gave in. She was trying to keep things light and positive, but something was wrong if her sister was acting like that.
"These," she held the papers in her hands, "are all missed and late assignments she collected."
"Well Casey, we don't have to worry about that. That's taken care or already. We worked that out with the teachers and she made all that up and is on track for this year."
"Right…"
"What else?" Shelby sensed more, a big more….
"That over there," she extended her hand to point to the box on the bed, "Journals Shelby… All journals."
"She wrote that many?" She questioned, examining the stack of notebooks. "How could one girl have so many thoughts?" Most of which, she assumed, were bad.
"Not thought journals… Food journals…"
"Food journals?" She quarried. "Like the ones the nutritionist told us to do?" What was the harm in that?
"No, not like that." Her head shook.
"Then like what?"
"Every calorie she ate, every exercise she did… Every pill she took… Everything…It's all in there. Every last detail is written there."
"She… wrote it all down?" She knew, mentally she knew, but she still wasn't ready for it.
"That and more. Everything really… And by everything, I mean everything… I just wanted see what they were to organize; you know, see if it was school stuff. I wasn't even going to read any of it… Then I saw what it was…"
"And you didn't want to read it, but you couldn't look away?" She understood it and it was just like Casey to do that. The way Shelby saw it, better Casey than her because she would've broken down and crumbled back into those tiny little fragmented pieces she hoped to avoid. She was just barely beginning to be put back together.
"Exactly."
Shelby put the book in her hand down. She didn't want to see what was inside. Witnessing all she had with Rachel had steeled her a little, but any more chinks in her armor and she was likely to crack. "What's that?" Shelby pointed to a small bag on the floor.
"See for yourself."
Hesitantly, Shelby made her way closer until she could see into the bag. "Where?" She asked with a shake in her voice. She didn't want to see that. She needed to be past it all. There's be no forgetting, but she didn't want to see it either. "Where did they come from?"
"Where didn't I find one?" Her non-humorous sarcasm wasn't helping the situation. "They were everywhere."
Trying to accept things and overcome the fear she still felt, Shelby calmly stated, "I guess, we should've expected that." Though, her words came out more like a question, she believed that to be true. Rachel hurt herself. They missed that… But she was coming home soon because she was doing well; she was better, in the recovery process. That was the past. Right? "Where were they?"
"Are you not listening Shelby? They were everywhere. A razor taped under the desk, in the bathroom, here and there…" She pointed around the room. "I have a bag full of razors Shelby; metal she used to cut herself. The one she used to…"
"I know what she did! You don't need to remind me. You don't have to spell it out for me. I saw it too. I found her that day. There is no denying any of it anymore." She slouched and took the spot on the floor next to her sister. "God Casey. What the hell is your problem?"
"I'm sorry." She shook her head and face palmed. "I just… I'm… upset."
"I can see that Case. We all are. But what happened? Why are you in here?"
"I needed to do something."
"Clean?"
"No Shelby. This isn't about cleaning. Rachel, even as messed up as she is, was, was a neat freak. Everything is organized. I just needed…"
"Needed what?"
"Needed to see where we went wrong." She stated with a sigh.
"Aren't you the one who told me not to think about that and the what ifs?"
"Yes but Shelby… If we had done this in the beginning and found all of this…"
"She would've found a way to do it anyway and would've hated us for it. You know this. I know you do because these are your words you're eating."
"I just wish we could've helped her sooner. That's all."
"I know Casey. I do too. I think about it every day, but no more. She'll be home soon, here with us. It's a new start for our family and you made me realize focusing on what we could've done doesn't change anything."
"No, it doesn't. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do it over again if I could; insist we get her treatment right away whether there was proof or not."
"Me too." She put her hand on Casey's knee. "Let's get this cleaned ok? We can't have her coming back to this. We'll take out all the… things that we find inappropriate and the rest we'll put back where it belongs. Maybe we can paint the room and change things up; make it a family project or something."
"Ok. I think that's a good idea. I like it." The rest of their time in that room was nearly silent except for the few exchanges about where things belonged. It was like they were going through the wreckage of a storm, unsure of what they'd find beneath the debris. They sorted and relabeled and stacked until the room was just as it was minus a few things.
"We've come a long way, haven't we?" They still couldn't get over how much things had changed. They were the same, yet so, so different.
"Yeah, we all have. Things will be better now. The family therapy helped and we'll continue doing that. She'll stick with therapy too. We'll take care of her."
"We have to all take care of each other." That was what family did and it would be the only way to truly survive this.
"I don't know if I've said this, but I love you Casey and I am so grateful to have had you by my side through all of this. I don't know what I would've done without you. So thank you."
"You know I love you and your girls. I'm always here Shel… Always."
"I know." She did know. Her sister was there for her even when they swore they hated each other because that was who she was. And they, her family, her and Rachel and Beth, they were lucky to have her; thankful and so incredibly blessed. She as their rock and support, their truth teller and sensei. She was the reliable one they could look to and there was no one else quite like her. "It's going to be ok. Everything has changed from that first visit."
"I don't know about that."
"I do. She was so angry and so hateful at first, but you made me see she didn't mean it somehow, and I'm still unsure how, you got through to her too."
"I didn't do anything Shelby."
"You remember that visit, don't you?"
"There's no forgetting it."
Rachel was three months into treatment and the doctors believed she was finally beginning to accept that there was a problem. Visitors, well, family visits, were finally allowed and considered vital for treatment. When they got there, they were immediately informed that there were some issues. Rachel had stepped out of line and broken some rules so the visit was delayed for a day. It worried them, like everything concerning Rachel tended to do, but Dr. Becks told them everything was ok. She was ok. Some patients just didn't react well to the first visit and Rachel was particularly sensitive to it.
Rachel was quiet the rest of the day. That wasn't too unusual though she had been slowly becoming a bit more vocal, but she was more withdrawn than normal; kept to herself and barely participated. Not even Julie could get a rise out of her. Facing food seemed increasingly difficult. She put up more of a fight than she had that morning and the dietary aids and other watchdog like people didn't like it very much.
"You know the rules. You can't leave the table until you're done."
"I'm done!"
"You haven't eaten Rachel."
"I said I'm done!" She tried once more to get away from the table to no avail. Hands quickly kept her from moving.
"Stay." She was commanded like a dog. She was the only girl left. The only girl? Even the new girls were done?
"I said," her hand itched as it reached forward toward the plate, the other's nails digging into her palm she clenched it so tightly, "I'm done!" And just like that, she sent the plate flying. She didn't care about the trouble she'd be in and the setback it'd be seen as. She just needed to let it out. There was no cutting. There were no rituals. There wasn't really anything allowed from the life she knew. Anger was all she had and she was holding onto that.
Though, she'd realize eventually, her anger wouldn't get her what she wanted and only put off the inevitable. After her outburst, she was taken to a private area where it was just her, a plate of food, and several intimidating hall monitors; she didn't really know their exact title. Dr. Becks showed up eventually too. But she stayed stubbornly strong in her will power.
"What's going on Rachel? Why are you refusing to eat again?"
"I don't want it. I don't like this food and I'm not putting it in my body."
"What's wrong with the food?"
"It tastes terrible. Do the cooks here even know how to cook? Aren't we supposed to want to eat this food? Why would we do that if it tastes like this?"
"How do you know what it tastes like if you haven't eaten any?"
"I did eat some."
"And then you threw the rest."
"I didn't." The raised eyebrows of the woman before her made it clear that the truth was irrefutable. "Ok, I did, but I don't want it. I won't eat it and these goons can't make me." She huffed like a belligerent child.
Sensing the real problem, Dr. Becks cleared the room and sat adjacent to Rachel. "Your family arrived this morning."
"Great…" Just great… Her hands instinctively wrapped around her body like a protective shield. To protect her from what… she wasn't sure.
"You know I can't let you leave this room until your plate has been emptied."
"So turn around, let me dump it in the trash, and then neither of us would be stuck here."
"I can't do that Rachel. You need to eat."
"I don't want to." She just stared at the plate and continued to hug herself.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"No." She answered a little too quickly. While physically, she may have been hungry, her mind was full and there was no room for food.
"Tell me what you are thinking."
Mumbling, she answered, "I'm thinking I want out of here."
"Me too, but we can't do that until you eat."
"I don't want to. I won't. I can't."
"Remember when we discussed triggers?"
"Yes, we do it every session. I'm not being triggered. I'm just not hungry. Can't I just not be hungry?"
"You can, but I can hear your stomach rumbling Rachel. You're hungry. You need to eat. You just don't want to."
"I can't." And in her mind, she couldn't.
"You can. You've overcome this. Food does not control you. Eating will not hurt you."
"Yes it will." That voice was back like a whisper in her ear telling her, "You can't eat that. You'll get fatter. No one will love you."
"No, it won't."
"Are you afraid that they are angry with you?"
"Why would they be angry?!" She snapped. "I didn't do anything to them!"
"You don't believe that hurting yourself hurt them too? That trying to take your life hurt them?"
"No." She faltered though. They've had that conversation before. She knew she hurt them. That was why she didn't want to see them. Sorry wasn't enough and she wasn't even sure she could offer them that. "I only hurt me; just me. And I deserved it." She said in almost a trance. "I deserved it."
"No Rachel, you didn't."
"I… I can't." Her breathing became rapid and shallow like her mind couldn't process what needed to be done and do it. She just struggled to catch her breath. "I can't do it… I… I can't…"
"In and out. In and out." Dr. Becks chanted like a mantra. "What can't you do Rachel?"
"I can't…"
"Can't what?" She asked again
"I can't see them! I can't! I… I can't… can't do it…" Her breaths became even more ragged as she struggled for air. The room felt oddly confining and her chest tight. Like a heart attack… that was what it felt like.
The doctor spoke to her in a docile tone, soothing as it was, it was nothing but a blur; her words lost upon the white noise in her mind. All she could hear was the mind clogging chatter of the voice in her head telling her everything she still believed to be true and just what she needed to hear to send her into a panic. "Rachel, use the tools." She barely made out, but the rest was lost. The tools didn't matter then. No amount of Zen breathing and whatnot was going to magically make her able to face them. She just couldn't do it. It just became even harder to breath. She swore she was going to pass out. Instead, she tried to fight it, tried to ease the ache. Her nails dug deep into her flesh, scratching and tearing and hoping for pain, but it didn't last long.
When she felt arms around her, she panicked more. Dr. Becks told her about that. The touch "hugging" action suppresses the nervous system or something like that. But it just initiated her fight. She wiggled and squirmed and attempted to kick, but she didn't have much strength. Lack of oxygen did that. "She's hurting herself. Get the benzodiazepine." Becks ordered the nurse. "It's ok Rachel. You're ok." Maybe she was, but she sure didn't feel it.
"We had to sedate her." The doctor told them a few short hours later as she stood there calmly waiting for their outbursts. She wasn't disappointed.
"You what?! Is she ok? What happened? Where is she?" Shelby asked.
All Casey said was, "Sedation?"
Dr. Becks sat them down and explained, "Rachel had a particularly nasty panic attack earlier."
"She has had those before. She didn't ever need to be sedated…" Shelby said.
"If you'll recall, there were a few instances during her time here where it was necessary to give her something to calm her. Today was another of those days. It's been a rough morning for her."
"Did something else happen?"
"Is she alright?"
"She refused to eat today." There was a collective sigh.
"I thought she was doing better. Not eating and panicking to the point of needing sedation doesn't seem better to me."
"Rachel has shown great improvement. But that doesn't mean she's healed. This is a process we've only just begun."
"But she's been eating right?" Shelby asked worriedly. They didn't spend months apart and spend all that money for no changes. If it helped even a little it would be worth it, no doubt, but if it wasn't helping… then what?
"Since the last incident where we implemented the feeding tube, yes, her eating has been better. She's slow to eat, but she does eat and we haven't caught her pulling any tricks."
"So what changed?"
"Yeah, why now?"
"We've discussed Rachel's treatment. Atop of her initial depression diagnosis, we determined she suffered from an anxiety disorder as well."
"We know." Shelby added eagerly. "But she's taking medication for that. She shouldn't need to be sedated too."
"Medication isn't a solve all. In fact, we like to teach other techniques to control the anxiety so she isn't dependent on the drugs."
"Well it's not working!"
Sighing, the doctor tried a different route. "She has triggers." She said. "When situations or possibilities become overwhelming or she's stressed and nervous, or even when her thoughts just become overpowering, it can become too much. Her body perceives it as an attack and she panics; thus a panic attack." The other women nodded in understanding, following Becks' words. "During our sessions, we've come up with healthy techniques to manage the anxiety."
"What kind of techniques?"
"We've worked through some breathing exercises, tried some guided meditation, and she has expressed her desire to continue with that and has taken to the practice of transcendental meditation I her own time."
"And this helps?"
"Yes, her anxiety has been better. That's not to say incidents like today haven't and won't happen. They will, but we've come up with the best treatment plan; found a medication she responds well too in a small dose and that combined with the tools she is learning will help her overcome these attacks once she leaves the facility."
"How can you say that when you had to sedate my daughter?!"
"We still have so much work to do, but she made such progress already. Today was a loss. She wasn't getting the oxygen she needed during the panic attack and she was hurting herself."
"Hurting herself how?" Their worried eyes were trained on the doctor. Despite her words, it didn't seem like their Rachel was getting any better.
"She's ok… just gave herself a few scratches that we've cleaned and bandaged after she was sedated."
"Now she's hurting herself again!" Shelby jumped from the chair and started pacing. The hope she was feeling wasn't really there any longer. She knew she shouldn't have come. She couldn't handle it. She wasn't enough to handle it. "That's not her getting better! She's supposed to be getting better!"
"Shelby…" Casey tried to call her attention. "It's not magic. It doesn't happen overnight. You know that."
"No! What I know is that my daughter hurt herself… again… when she's supposed to be in a safe, secure environment getting better, not having anxiety attacks and scratching herself until she bleeds." Tears were glistening in her eyes as she looked desperately to Becks. "She's supposed to be better."
"And she is Shelby." She said comfortingly. "Part of recovery is taking steps back and moving forward without being stuck in the perceived failure. This is where we are at. You'll see a change in her when you meet with her; not just a physical one."
"So when do we see her?" Casey asked, seeing the fire still in her sister's eyes.
"I feel it's best we wait until tomorrow. I'll have a session with her later tonight once the meds wear off and again in the morning while we have breakfast together, then after that we can all meet."
Hesitantly, knowing her sister had finally calmed a bit, Casey looked between the other women and debated whether or not to ask. Deciding she needed to, she spoke up, "This panic attack… was it… was it because we're here?"
"She's very nervous about seeing the two of you again, but that's true for most patients and their first family visit."
"We don't want to make things worse."
"We can't let the nerves and anxieties deter her. Once she's back in the outside world she's going to have to face her stressors and triggers on a daily basis. Shying away from this now would be counterproductive. There are things that need to be said and heard on both sides. This is a very important step in her recovery."
"Ok." They both reluctantly agreed. If that was what was best, they'd do it, they'd set their doubts and concerns aside and confront her, let her confront them… That was what they'd do…
The three continued to talk. They discussed all things Rachel; her progress her setbacks, her sessions and health… The sisters were relieved by some, worried about the rest. She was doing better. The numbers didn't lie. But she was struggling. That much was clear. Apparently, Rachel wasn't as engaged in group therapy as Becks would've liked and could've been more open in therapy, but she made great strides from where she was when treatment first started. There was a lot to process.
"So, now that we've covered that, I'd like to have a session with you before I go check in on Rachel. I planned to have a short one with you before we all got together. Now seems as good a time as any."
"Oh… uh… alright." Shelby agreed for them.
"While the process of recovery is hard on the patient, it is also hard on the parents and family."
"You can say that again." Shelby muttered.
"Knowing that, I like to have this get together before the first family session to see where you're at. We've talked a bit in the beginning, but that was then. Where are you now?"
Casey just looked to Shelby with narrowed eyes waiting for the answer. Her sister had been so up and down and after the way they left things in the car and even before they left, well, she wanted to know too. "I'm… I… I don't know. I just don't know"
"And that's ok. We're going to work through this too." She sat back in her chair and looked to Shelby. "Why don't you tell me how things are at home? How does it feel without Rachel there?"
Their session went on for another hour. They discussed the situation in great detail; both the Rachel situation and their own. They were honest. Things between them were tense and getting worse the less they spoke to each other. The blowout they just had didn't help matters either. Dr. Becks got them to talk to one another; expressed that they needed to be there for each other in order to be there for Rachel and that was enough to get them talking. They were resentful. They were bitter. Mostly, they were just sad.
They were sad Rachel was suffering. They were sad that their family was hurting. It was just hard, overall. Surely, no parent expects this to happen or for their life to unfold as theirs had. And if they did, she pitied them because anyone who foresaw such tragedy and chaos obviously didn't have the best life to begin with. But they weren't meant to live this life. They were all destined for greatness and they wouldn't get stuck in the rut they found themselves in. It was a road bump, a big one, but it wasn't a dead end. Just a pit stop…
"Go back to your hotel. Prepare yourselves for tomorrow. You haven't seen each other in some time. She's different. You're different, and the last encounter wasn't a pleasant one."
"You can say that again." Shelby huffed out.
"What I'm trying to say is that it's going to be an emotional day for all of you. It will be hard, but it will be helpful." They took a moment to let the words hit them.
"I just want her to be ok. We can get through anything; overcome everything, as long as she's ok and here for that to happen." Shelby said though she wasn't sure she saw that ending. She didn't know what the future held at the time.
But that was then. Rachel was in a different place now. She was doing well and days away from coming back home. That visit was hard though. And it got a whole lot worse before it got better.
That night, they heeded the shrink's advice and did just that. Heading back to the hotel, they spent a quiet night in their own heads. Few words were exchanged between the two as they went over Becks' words. Emotional, they understood. Hard and helpful; of that there was no doubt. But where they changed? How were they changed? Was it noticeable? Were they going to walk into that room and see a totally different girl; someone not their Rachel? Sometimes, they were unrecognizable to themselves. Would they be to Rachel too?
They honestly didn't know what to expect. They assumed Rachel would be… different, but they didn't have any clue as to how. Healed or broken, she was changed. They all were and it was time to start to know who they were becoming rather than focus on who they were in the past. Those people were gone and it was time to move away from them.
It was a heavy thing to face, but they were all doing it. They had to.
So, the next morning, after a brief session with Dr. Becks, the family was finally reunited. Dressed in sweats and arms crossed protectively around her body, Rachel was guided into the room. A quiet gasp left their mouths when they saw her and happy tears wet their eyes. Even so plainly dressed and make up free, they never saw a more perfect sight.
"Rachel, you look amazing; so much better." Shelby said genuinely as she approached her daughter. The girl looked better, not healed, but less unhealthy; less skeletal. But she didn't know what to do next. Did she hug her? Did she just stand there like an idiot like she was doing? What was she supposed to do? She never had the chance to figure it out though, as Rachel took a step away from her and glared.
"You mean I look fat?" That was how she felt. Fat, ugly…
"I didn't say that Rachel." Shelby didn't want their time together to be both of them constantly on the defensive.
"Whatever."
Not wanting that to set the tone for the rest of their time together, Shelby quickly tried to divert the conversation and took a seat on the couch. "How's everything going?"
"Fine." Rachel was quick to answer.
"And you like it here?" She gave a pointed look. Was she supposed to like it there?
"What do you think? I'm in a nut barn."
"It's not a nut barn Rachel." Casey interjected. She was going to just sit back and let mother and daughter have some time before she approached her niece, but things didn't seem to be working out for them. It's a facility that promotes healing and wellness."
"It's a nut house." Rachel repeated. She was intent on being heard and yet, said nothing she wanted to. The hard façade was up as she still shied away from them.
"It's not, but whatever. How are you doing here Rachel?" "It's fine. I'm fine. All is just fine and dandy."
"Ok, clearly you're upset."
"No!" She nearly yelled her shoulders tense and her eyes angry. But upon realizing her outburst, she tempered down and reiterated, "No, I'm not upset. I'm fine. This isn't paradise, but I'm fine. It's fine."
"We believe you." They told her though they weren't sure they did.
"Good." She knew it was a lie too.
"Rachel." Dr. Becks intervened. "Your family would like to discuss the situation with you."
"The situation? You mean they want to talk about shipping me off like yesterday's leftovers instead of dealing with me themselves?"
"That's not what we did Rachel."
"Let's be honest. That's exactly what happened."
"No it's not."
"Enough. This is family time. You haven't been able to see them and then you. Let's all try to remain civil."
"I'm being civil." Both Shelby and Rachel hissed simultaneously.
Smirking, Casey looked to the doctor and said, "They're being them." And for once, the bickering attitude was so nice to hear.
"Alright, well, let's get started. Rachel, why don't you tell your family how you've been doing here?"
"I've been fine." She stated plainly.
"Can you elaborate? Tell them about your days. Maybe you want to tell them about the music activities you've been taking part in?"
"You're in a music program Rachel?" Shelby perked up and asked her. "That's wonderful."
"Sure."
"Is there singing?" Rachel just looked off at nothing like the lost soul she felt like.
"Rachel hasn't given us the pleasure just yet, though we do hope to have the chance to hear her sometime." Dr. Becks mediated their conversation. "She's a natural with the piano though."
Shelby perked. "You're interested in the piano? I wish I'd have known. I would've gotten you lessons or… or taught you myself."
"Like you'd really want to." Rachel spoke quietly, but just loud enough to know her mark would be hit.
"That's not fair Rachel. I would've wanted to. I do."
"No you don't. But that's ok."
"Rachel…" That insolence and fight, though it was nice to see again, was not something Shelby really missed.
"You know…" Casey interrupted, always playing their peacekeeper. "We miss you back home. So do all your friends."
"Sure." Was her response. She doubted that very much.
"We do. We really do. Actually…" Reaching into her bag, Casey rummaged through a few things to find what she was looking for. "Since they're can't come up here to visit, some of your friends asked us to give you these." She pulled a small stack of envelopes from the purse. "That's ok right? That I give her these?" She asked the doctor, something she probably should've done earlier.
"Of course. It's nice that you're friends are thinking about you. Isn't it Rachel?"
"Whatever you say." She didn't know how to feel about the notes. As Casey handed them to her, she nonchalantly flipped through them. There were a lot there. Sure, most of them were probably generic one or two liners wishing her well, very sterile stuff, but some of them felt long, like the person really put some time into writing it. She couldn't imagine why, Why would anyone care about her now? After what she did and how she became…
"Be kind, these are your friends and they wanted to do something nice for you."
"No one ever wants to do anything nice for me, not unless they get something out of it." She told her.
"That's not true." Shelby insisted. She was trying to hold her tongue in order to have a nice visit, but her patience were wearing thin and maybe, just maybe, things needed to be said so they can move on. "You n it's not. They care about you. We all care about you."
"No they don't. None of you do."
"How can you say that?" She was genuinely in shock. How was it possible Rachel still didn't see how much everyone cared about her; how much she meant to them?
"How can I say that? Isn't it obvious? Look where I am Shelby. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be here shipped off for someone else to deal with. And friends… Those people…" She shook her head to clear her thoughts though it did no good. "They just found me convenient. They were nice when they needed me for something and then I was nothing to them."
"I know that's not true Rachel. And so do you."
"What about Noah and Kurt? Does that go for them too?"
No, of course not. She wasn't sure she meant half of what she was saying, but it was getting to Shelby and, for some reason, that was what she wanted. "Yes! I'm nothing to nobody unless they needed my voice for competition or a punching bag to throw slushies at."
"What about Quinn and Santana? Things have seemed better between all of you in the glee club."
"You mean Santana who calls me Midget and Treasure Trail and Quinn who…" She laughed a low maniacal laugh; not humorous at all. "Quinn who would throw me in front of a bus if she got the chance and who… whose perfect daughter lived and you took in and shoved me out of your life for… Beth who gave you everything you've ever wanted in a daughter so there was no need for me. Who would want me when they could have her?" She asked rhetorically.
"I love Beth, but I love you too Rachel. I want you…" Rachel cut her off. She didn't want to hear it,
"No Shelby. Just no…" If there was a safe exit, one that wasn't inevitably going to end with her running face first into the brick wall of watchmen ready to hold her back because they knew her to be a runner, she would've stormed off right then and there. Then again, it wasn't like she had anywhere to go. Sucking in a deep breath, it was then or not at all; time to just let it out. "You wanted that clichéd moment where we ran into each other's arms like we finally found what we were looking for all our lives. And what we had was awkward and unscripted. You didn't get that, you didn't get what you wanted, so you didn't want me. But what about me? What about what I wanted? What about what I needed? Maybe I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it was all going to be ok…" Her chest felt tight. "Why couldn't you do that for me? Why couldn't you want me like a mother should?"
"Rachel… I…" …don't know what to say.
"Save it Shelby." She shook angrily. "You never wanted me. You just got stuck with me so you accepted me, but let's face it. You didn't want me, I wasn't huggable and adorable and perfect like my replacement and why have second best when you have first, so the first chance you got to ship me off, you locked me up in here." Looking her dead in the eyes, Rachel continued. "You got rid of me. Congratulations. I don't know why you even bothered saving me. If I was dead right now, if you let me die, this would all be over. You would be happy and free and I wouldn't…" Smack.
Almost, no most definitely, imagining it was her open palm meeting Rachel's still frail looking face, Shelby stood, slamming her hand flat against the table as hard as she could so the sound practically echoed in the scarcely decorated room. "That is enough!" She yelled, all the other occupants stunned to silence. Dr. Becks has seen many things in her time, but a story like theirs was a first. She knew there's be fireworks, but she was hoping it would go well for them. But, she also knew, getting all of their repressed feelings and thoughts out was important for the process; the confrontation and facing the reality of the situation. It was necessary to know all sides of the story to understand and heal. So, when Shelby grabbed Rachel's face to get the girl to look at her, she did nothing to stop it, and when Casey made a move to mediate, Becks quietly told her to let it happen. It needed to happen. "You look at me Rachel and you listen to what I have to say." She told her daughter. "God Rachel! I don't know why you're trying to hurt me, but you're succeeding. Maybe I haven't been the best mother. I'll admit that. Neither of us knew how to act and I certainly could've been better, but Rachel," the tears were gathering in the duct, "I love you. I want you. From the moment I knew you were inside of me I wanted you. I tried… I tried so hard not to… I couldn't want you. They were going to take me from you the moment you were born… But it was impossible. It was impossible not to love you and want to keep you with me for all of eternity." The water works going, Shelby released Rachel's face, her hands falling at her sides as she let out a sad laugh. "I couldn't let myself look as the tech did my ultrasounds because I knew I couldn't get attached… But I did look." Mimicking the actions se was describing she said, "I always looked away… always, but when your fathers were cooing over this or that, I'd put my hands over my eyes and peek through the separation of my fingers daring myself to look at the screen and stay strong. Your fathers didn't want me to have any of the printouts. They were afraid I'd get too attached, but it was too late. I didn't need a picture of you to know you were there. I felt you. We shared blood. What ran through your veins ran through mine. The doctor was kind enough to slip me one after every visit anyway. After you were born, I kept them with me. I looked at them when I was sad and when I was happy or when I needed to make a tough decision. 'Would this make her proud of mama?' I'd ask myself and I knew the choices I made I made knowing that one day you'd know of them and hope they would make you think I was someone to look up too." She reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. Opening it, she handed something to Rachel. "I still have that one. I still carry it with me to feel close to you." Rachel looked to her hands where a wrinkled and worn ultrasound photo of her not long before she was born lay. "I made mistakes and the way we met again wasn't how I wanted it to be. No. I was still expecting that baby I never got to hold, but you were a teenage girl. I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry; more than words can express. But you don't think you've hurt me too? You do everything you can to push my buttons. But I can get over that. I don't understand how you think taking your life wouldn't hurt me. I had to see you Rachel… lying there on that floor surrounded by blood… your blood… your lifeline… there was just so much blood and I thought you were gone. That was the second time I saw you lying on a floor unconscious and I had to feel my stomach fall and my heart stop beating because I didn't know if yours was. I could've lost you Rachel. Do you understand that? I almost lost my baby. My little girl was almost taken from me and she would've been the one to do it. I don't want to lose you. I want you to get better. I want you to come home. I want you. I want us to get that second chance. I want us to get it right." She collapsed into a seat next to Rachel and took her daughter's limp hands in her own squeezing them tight. "You tried to kill yourself… You tried to kill yourself…" She repeated. "And I knew I was part of the reason." A sob emanated. "I'm broken, but I can be fixed because I know you're still here. If my baby was gone… If I had to bury you… they'd have to bury me too because I wouldn't survive." Squeezing once more, Shelby held her daughter's watery stare and said, "I love you Rachel. You are loved and you are wanted. Things are hard and our relationship is strained, and I am so, so angry with you for what you've done to yourself… for trying to take my daughter from me… but the fact remains. Angry or not, I will always want you. And this," she picked up the picture, "this may have been enough to get me through the years, but I've had the real thing. I had you. And this isn't enough for me anymore. I need you. I want you. I want us to be a family. Most importantly, I want you safe and happy whether it's here or at home, or wherever it may be."
Rachel was holding it all back as best she could. "I will not cry. I will not cry. She doesn't mean it. I won't cry." She recited in her head.
"I could never let you go. I could never sit back and watch you die. You can't leave me. I can't lose my baby any more than I already have. I can't lose you. I wouldn't be free, I'd be lost and broken." She shook Rachel. "Do you hear me? Are you listening? I can't lose you!"
There was a long moment of silence among them. Becks wanted to see how it played out and let them work through this without her interference and Casey was a pile of tears. "I…" Rachel broke the spell that seemed to be on them. "I didn't mean to hurt you… I didn't think I was…"
"But you did." Shelby told her as she pushed some of the stray hairs from Rachel's face. "I've never felt more pain than I did that day Rachel. The things you said to me… I don't know I'll ever be able to erase that feeling. By hurting yourself and by attempting," clearing her throat to try to get the word out again, "by attempting suicide you hurt me. You hurt your aunt Casey and your sister and all the friends you didn't realize you had. We all love you Rachel. We love you so much. I wish you could see that."
"But I don't." Rachel answered almost angrily as she moved away from her mother thus effectively ruining all the others' belief that their words, rather Shelby's words, were getting through to her. "I don't see it. You say you love me and you want me, but you don't. No one does. And why would they? I'm broken and crazy and all I do is ruin things for people." She paced. "People only want the ideal; the perfect Rachel they think I am. I be me and no one's happy. I be who people want me to be and no one wants me. I can't win. I can't… I just… This isn't what I want. Do you really think I want to be here? That I want to live my life like this fearing every bite of food will cost me more than you can ever think of?" She was getting louder. "I don't! I just want to be happy too! But I'm not! I'm not happy! I'll never be happy. And no one will ever want me. I don't want this! I don't want to feel like this! I just want it to stop!" She screamed.
Casey intervened this time, marching up to Rachel and wrapping her arms around the girl. She tried to fight the embrace and push her aunt away, but Casey wouldn't allow it. "We love you." Casey whispered into her ear. "We want you. So many people would be lost without you. And maybe you can't see it now, but this isn't the way things will be forever. These feelings you're feeling, they're just moments that will pass. Put you have the rest of your life to live. And you can do it happily and free from all the burdens. We don't want you to be perfect. No one's perfect. All we want is for you to be healthy and safe and to stop hurting yourself. You're getting there. I know you are. It will stop Rachel, but you have to let it stop."
Now sunken into the hold, Rachel's face was pressed deep into Casey's chest as she mumbled out her words, "I don't know how to do it. Anything… Nothing feels like it's going to be ok. I'm not ok. I don't know how to be ok."
"We'll figure it out." Her hand ran through her niece's hair. "Together. You just have to try."
"I am trying…" Her voice cracked. "I am. I'm just not good enough. I don't know that I can."
"You are so much more than the person you see yourself as… So much more." Rachel broke then. The tears were flowing as her hands fisted the material of Casey's shirt in her death grip. "Shh. It's ok. You're going to be alright. We all are. Just let it out. Let it all out."
It took a while to calm her again. Once the tears started, she feared they'd never stop again. And they really didn't, not then anyway. When Becks saw how exhausted Rachel had become from all the emotional work, she asked that they cut the day short. The important thing was that there was progress made. Rachel heard them. They got to say some of what they needed and so did she. And Shelby was thrilled that Rachel let her hold her, let both of them hold her and comfort her. Though she was sure she was reading more into it than it was, for the moment, they felt like the family hey should've been all along. She got to be the mom and hug her daughter and wipe the tears from her big brown eyes as she told her all would be ok in the end.
Things didn't feel normal in the normal sense. It wasn't anyone else's normal, but it felt as close to it as they've ever truly been. The only time it was real anyway. So, they soothed Rachel as Becks observed and they did their best to make her feel their love. That was all they could do and the only thing they could dream of doing right then. No, they didn't get to talk about as much as they probably should've, but what they had was better. They finally felt that they were getting real Rachel back; there was a chance she'd come home to them; that they'd have her instead of the disease. And God… It was like a weight they didn't know they were carrying had suddenly been lifted.
When they went back to the hotel that evening, again, they didn't talk much. But, this time, it was because they didn't have to. They didn't have to talk to know they were both feeling the same way. And they were both drained. Shelby was happy yes, they both were, but they were still hurting too. As was Rachel. It wasn't magically fixed with a few tears in a rehab setting. But it was something and they'd take it. After partaking in a quiet meal, the sisters shared a smile, which said more than any words could, before Casey went to call Mark and Shelby her mother so she could talk with Beth and then they went to bed.
They returned the center nice and early the next morning, just in time to catch the tail end of meal time. While they didn't allow visitors into the private eating area for the patients, Dr. Becks assured them as they walked past the entrance for it, that Rachel was in there and eating right then. They understood that was what was happening, but they had a hard time picturing it. And, even more so, they had a hard time believing Rachel wasn't putting up the biggest fit she could. It was a had to see it to believe it thing, but they wouldn't be witnessing it just yet.
"She has done well for the most part." Dr. Becks told them. "Besides yesterday's issues, she has been fairly uncombative t meal times. Sometimes she'll make a fuss, but she has had some days were she encouraged some of the newer girls to eat. Granted, it was her telling them it was just easier to do what we said or they'd get the tube, but I believe a part of her meant it to help them as well as herself."
They were surprised by that, especially given the details about the previous day's episode, but they were happy to hear it.
"I sat with her this morning so we could talk a little about yesterday. Normally, I do that after the first family confrontation, but she was asleep when I went to get her and I wanted to let her rest. I feared she'd put up another fight about breakfast this morning, so I pulled her aside to try and facilitate a calm easy meal. But she was very pleasant and began to eat without any encouragement."
The update thrilled them and when they saw her again, they felt even better. They were greeted by a shy barely there smile, but a smile nonetheless. It warmed their hearts to see since they hadn't been on the receiving end of one of those in such a long time and those they saw, they realized, were mostly for show. This one was real and they felt that. Rachel felt that too.
After yesterday's battle of the wills or whatever it should be called, Rachel didn't know how to be around them. She never was a fan of showing her emotions with them; not the real emotions. A temper was fine. She had a diva reputation to protect, but she broke down. She very literally, crumbled before them. So she was a bit shy when she met up with them then, but she still felt a sense of relief and happiness when she saw them. They came back. Not only did they actually show in the first place, but even after her meltdown and knowing just how messed up she was, they decided to come back. The fear was still there, but, at least temporarily, it was eased.
Eased or not, she didn't want to get too attached still. Everyone always seemed to leave her and feeling comfortable just made the hurt worse when they did. So, she kept some distance between them both physically and emotionally. Instead of sitting beside them, she took the solo seat to the side just far enough away to have space but not far enough to be awkward.
They didn't attempt to hug her. It might set her off or have her push them away and why risk it? As much as they wanted to feel that comfort, to hold her in their arms again and know they were soothing her, it was a stretch to think she'd welcome it so readily. But soon, they hoped, it would be a regular occurrence. One day…
Getting down to the knitty gritty of it all, the group dove into discussion. Most of it was led by Becks and Rachel didn't want to be as open as she should've been, but they were all trying. They had some good talks and even learned a few things. They got a little more of the burden off of their hearts and that was all they really needed from that time; a little peace and hope and knowledge that they did the right thing. They got that and more.
Come the end of their time together, the time the sisters had to start heading back home, and they were in a much better place. They talked about things that needed talking about. They communicated in ways they haven't been able to before. They were more open and free with each other. There was real progress. And they knew that for sure when they were saying goodbye.
"Here Rachel." Casey handed Rachel the letters from her friends. "You left these the other day and I thought you might want them. You should read them. Maybe you can write back to them."
"Thanks."
"Bye Rachel. I love you and we'll come see you again soon."
"Ok. Bye Shelby. Bye Casey." She still kept her distance from them, afraid to let them in past the point they already were.
"Bye Rachel. Love you." Casey said and then the two began their way out.
"Wait!" Rachel called to them and they immediately turned around. The girl ran over to them and, without really thinking, just doing, wrapped them in a group hug. Nestled between them, one arm wrapped around each of them, she said, "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"We know you are. And what you did is not ok. We can never say it was ok because taking your life and losing you; those things are not ok. But as long as you try to get better, we can forgive you."
"Ok." She pulled away. "You should go. Thank you for coming to see me." She was polite, though defensively pulling back from them again.
"Goodbye." They both said one last time, reluctantly leaving her behind.
The sisters left the room to go to another. And once Rachel was escorted back to her room and they had another chat with the therapist. It was, though they did it halfheartedly, time to go back to Lima.
There were many ups and downs after that. So much work needed to be done, but they were willing to make the effort. She was worth it. Saving their family was worth it. And Rachel was trying, overcoming hurdle after hurdle and making it to the finish line; the first of many.
And now they were where they were. They finished clearing her room of all triggers and reminders that they could. They were armed with all the knowledge they could be given and they were ready to try this out. It might be rough at first. There'd be some acclimating to do and adjusting to the new reality. It would be a guessing game full of trial and error, but they were all game to play.
Thinking about the past few months, Casey sank back into her seat and remembered when she was given Rachel's 'goodbye' letter. Shelby was so distraught with Rachel in the hospital and so busy trying to get the last minute details of the rehab stint finalized, that she asked Casey to pack some of Rachel's things. Honestly, Casey felt Shelby was avoiding Rachel's room. She couldn't go back in there. And Casey couldn't blame her. The sight was… gruesome. At first it seemed so normal; just a teenager's room. But one step toward the bathroom and you'd think a murder happened there. The dried blood was caked on the hard floor. Remnants of the paramedics' supplies scattered about aimlessly. It was… traumatizing. And that was just the after. She couldn't imagine, nor did she want to, what Shelby witnessed.
Just the memory of that alone was enough to give her stomach anxious, uneasy flutters. She spent that whole day cleaning up the mess because she couldn't allow her sister or her nieces, Rachel eventually, to see that. No one needed to see that. She would unsee it if she could. And once that was done, to the best of her ability without any more powerful cleaning supplies, she did what she set out to do and packed Rachel a small bag that included everything on the list she was provided. Only certain things were allowed there and she had to follow the guidelines.
In the midst of her search, she found a piece of paper forgotten on the floor; Rachel's I'm sorry. When she returned to the hospital, though she did so very reluctantly, she asked her sister about it. "Did she leave a note?" She wanted to broach the subject as tactfully as possible, but, really, there was no way to do that given the subject matter. But, she felt, she needed to know.
"What?"
"Did she… was there… Did she leave a suicide note?"
Shelby looked appalled, but after a moment of silence and a slack jawed, tense shouldered stare at her sister, Shelby's body relaxed. "There… I went back home the other day and… there was a letter with the mail pile… an envelope postmarked from New York." Her eyes welled. Everything was just so emotionally draining for them. "It was from Rachel."
"Oh Shelby I'm…" Casey went to hug her sister, but was pushed away and interrupted.
"No, don't. Just let me…" She shook. "You need to hear this and if you hug me, I won't be able to keep it together long enough to say it."
"Ok."
"I uh… I opened it. I didn't know who it was from then; not for sure. But when I did… I wished I didn't." She sighed heavily. "Inside were smaller envelopes with our names on it." She explained.
"Our?"
"Yes…" She answered quietly. "I… I wasn't sure what to do with it… with yours. Did I give it to you? Did I… I don't know… So I…" She moved to find her bag and looked for the piece of mail she needed. "This one's yours." She handed it to Casey. "I… I didn't read it. I wasn't sure I could give it to you or what to do with it… It's… It's a goodbye letter Case. What was I supposed to do with that? My baby was saying goodbye forever…" She broke down. "Oh God…"
"It's ok Shelby." Casey assured her. "Rachel's still here, she's getting help, and we're not letting her go anywhere. No goodbyes…"
After calming her sister as best she could, Casey excused herself. Finding and empty hospital room, she locked herself in, pulled the letter out and began reading.
Dear Casey,
Aunt Casey… I never really called you that. I don't know why. It has a nice feel to it, but Casey felt more personal. I never really had an aunt and I didn't know what that really meant until you. But I never really had a mother either. And don't tell Shelby this, but you kind of were the first mother I ever had. She was there first, but you were there always. You tried even when you barely knew me. I don't understand why, but maybe I'm not supposed to.
It all makes sense you know… I went from having two dads to having two moms. You were more than just my aunt. You meant more to me than that. I just… I just want to be sure you know that. And know that you did all you could; more than I ever expected you to or ever could've hoped for. I think I found a little piece of home with you that I didn't know could exist. It was different and new and I liked it probably more than I fought it. You really did everything you could for me. It just wasn't enough.
None of this was your fault. I need you to know that. With all my heart, I know you did all you could for me, but you aren't magic and I'm way too broken to ever be fixed. My problems started long before I met you. Believe it or not, you helped. Even when you weren't trying, you helped.
I need you to promise me something. I need you to look after Shelby, which I'm sure you would've done anyway. But really take care of her. I don't know if that's a lot to ask. She's kind of a handful. I guess I get that from her, and maybe a little from you too, but she's definitely a drama queen. I don't know how she'll be, but she might be upset for a little while. Don't let her stay that way for long. And you can't either.
I'm not afraid for this. I'm ready. I'm not scared to say goodbye and face my death. But, I realize you and Shelby might not be ready. You might be afraid. But don't be afraid for me. I'll be ok now. Maybe I'll even be happy. But I can only be if I know you're looking out for her and her for you. It's important that you're there for each other. That's what sisters are supposed to do.
Guess I failed at that job too. But, Beth's better off without me I think. No one wants her to turn out like me right? No one wants to be like me. No one even likes me… except…. Maybe you? I think you do. You made it seem like you do. And well, I hope you did. I don't know whether it's true, but I'm choosing to believe, in my final breathes, that you really did like me. You were practically forced to love me. That's how family's supposed to work, but liking someone, that's a choice.
Maybe. I don't know. What I'm sure of, though, is that you gave me comfort without trying and gave me some of the few moments of actual peace that I've experienced lately.
Thank you for not asking questions that day. Well, more questions. Sorry you'll never get a chance to know the answers.
Love,
Rachel
It was the hardest thing she ever had to read, but she got through it, just like they would the entire situation. Sure, she was a little worse for wear and shed more tears than she knew she even had, but they'd get through it. One thing was for sure though. Rachel's words would stay with them forever. Those were her parting words. Those were what she wanted them to know and hold onto as she left them. They were impossible to forget. And she never would.
Remembering them and where they were, Casey smiled, inhaling a healthy dose of fresh air as they arrived at the treatment center. Rachel was wrong. She wasn't broken. She was fixable and loved and they were going to be a real family. The smile brightened. Rachel was coming home. And they all felt a little more whole because of it.
May the next step begin. They could overcome anything together. Good and bad would be met with a family that was ready to fight all. They were ready. Rachel was coming home!
Ok, so I decided not to write personalized individual responses because, when it all boils down to it, they'll all say the same thing. They would all say just how sorry I am for the delay and that I wish I did it sooner, but I appreciate the words of encouragement (from some of you) and I hear the urging from the rest. I'll continue to try and do better with that, but I can't make promises of when.
Story is almost finished… We're almost there… Hang in there a little longer if you want to see it through with me. I'm not giving up, as slow as I may be and as unpredictable as my updating has become, this will be finished. That is a promise.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…