Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

41. This is Home

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

So you hate me right? Yeah, I hate me too. I finally realized just how long it has been, hated myself for making you all wait, sat done and just wrote the last half of this chapter today. Don't worry. You all don't have to deal with my inconsistent horrible updating abilities much longer. We're reaching an end soon. Which is sad, but also good.

Like last time, ignore any spelling/grammar errors. I kept you waiting long enough and since I don't have the time to read, reread, and read again, to edit it properly tonight, I figured I'd put it up as is and deal with that when I didn't have a long list of things to do.

Chapter 41: This is Home

"You're ready for this Rachel. You're going to be just fine."

"Yeah?" She asked nervously, pulling at the ends of the oversized sweater that hung from her body.

"Yes." Dr. Becks smiled and laid a comforting hand on the girl's shoulder. "You have the tools, use them. And you have my number if you need it. I'll be in contact with your new therapist. I think you'll do really well with her."

"She wasn't too bad." Rachel admitted.

"I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that." An orderly walked up and interrupted the talk whispering into the doctor's ear. They were there. "Listen Rachel, things can be difficult when you're out of here. You're going to be exposed to triggers and be tempted to fall back into old ways, but don't forget all that you've learned and accomplished. You can make it through."

"I don't know…" She said shyly. "What if…" She couldn't get the thought out. She knew she was leaving and she wanted to leave, more than anything, but it was safe there. In those walls, though sometimes she felt trapped, she knew she couldn't be tempted. There were no serious, constant triggers, no bullies, well none like at McKinley, and the people were… understanding. And she was leaving the warm nest that cocooned her to run out and face a group of people she hurt. She didn't feel good about that.

"There are a lot of what ifs Rachel. So many things can happen that we as people have little to no control over." She whimpered. That was the problem. "But we can't live in fear of the things we can't control. All we can do is face what comes as they come and take it one day at a time. You are stronger than you know and you are capable of so much more than you know. Have some faith in yourself. Just remember what you learned and you'll be ok."

"Ok…" Did she believe her? A little… maybe… And not at all too. She had to question whether there would always be such a battle within her body. Would there always be that self-doubt behind every thought and that voice in her head telling her everything she didn't want or need to hear? She hated that voice, but it was the most powerful voice she ever heard. She was taught ways to deal with it; give it the cold shoulder, but she still heard it. It was always there casting aspersions on her life and her choices. Thinking about it made her want to just… No! No, she couldn't think like that.

"Rachel, your family is here. Are you ready?"

Was she? "Yes." She hoped so anyway. It didn't appear she really had a choice. She had to be ready. It was time. She went through months of a different kind of emotional rollercoaster to face this moment and the real world, the unsafe trigger filled world, awaited her. She couldn't avoid that any longer.

"I think so too." The doctor put a kind hand on her shoulder and escorted her to the main guest lounge. This was it. Months of intense therapy and learning and growth led to this moment which would then lead to another and another. "Come on. They'll be in here any moment."

She looked scared and nervous, still the timid girl she came in as though much more her old self. "Can I… Can I just have a minute? Alone… before they come."

Dr. Becks looked at her and nodded. "Sure Rachel. I'll go greet them. You wait here."

"Really? I can just be here by myself?" She wasn't used to that. There was always someone somewhere watching over her.

"Yes, you can. You're not going to do anything right?"

"No I… I just need a minute."

"Then you'll get it. And I know you'll be right here when we get back."

Thank you." She whispered. Dr. Becks just bobbed her head and went to meet the family just outside those doors. Rachel was left standing there collecting her breathe as she took it all in. Home… She was finally going home. That's what she knew it was now, or what she wanted it to be. Home.

"Breathe Rachel. Just breathe." She said aloud. She could do it. She hoped. There was a lot of hoping going on. "I've got this." Should it be that intimidating to just go home?

Outside, Becks was greeting Shelby and Casey. "Rachel's just in there. She's a bit nervous, but that's not unusual for patients here."

"This is really happening though right?" Shelby questioned, her sister's hand squeezing hers. "She's really coming home?"

"Yes, she is. There are just a few things I'd like to discuss with you before we go in and get her."

"Is something wrong?" She was quick to jump. Nothing could be wrong…. They waited and waited and time ad finally come. There could be no more waiting unless she wanted to reach insanity.

"No. Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to go over a few things. So you're aware this isn't a miracle program. There is no cure for eating disorders and no way to just magically make it o away."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that she's in recovery, but the journey doesn't end here."

"You don't think she'll be alright?"

"We've given her all the tools and she has done so well, but I can't predict the future. No one can. She's going to be facing triggers and it's not going to be as simple as it was in here. The beginning, I find, is always the hardest for them. There is always the possibility of relapse, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Be aware of any warning signs, but don't hover over her or go analyzing every little thing. She's prepared and she knows you're both here for her for support. I've given her my contact information and I have a copy for you, as well. She should continue with her therapies back in Lima like we've set up. Now we just have to give her a chance."

"We're going to get our Rachel back." Shelby said to her sister, Casey once again squeezing her hand.

"And the medications?" Casey asked, always the practical one.

"We're going to keep her on them for now and see how she does. It can be reevaluated later with her new doctor. For now, keep the same schedule. I've written it all down." She handed them a manila folder. "In there are my contacts, prescriptions to get filled, directions for use, and anything you might need in that regard."

"Thank you."

"Want to go see her now?"

"Yes please." The sisters both said with a smile lighting up their faces.

"She's right through here."

As they walked through the doors, they saw Rachel standing there, back to them, staring out the window toward the big bad world. They wanted, more than anything, to just run up to her and squeeze her so hard. But, they've learned, they had to go at her pace. And though she had been more physical with them, she had to be the one to initiate it for the most part. Therapy was working well for them too. It helped them earn to be a better support system and understand things a little better.

"Rachel." Becks called out. "Rachel, your family's here."

Nervous beyond belief, Rachel steeled herself, taking a very deep breath and pulling away from the window. With a smile on her face, she turned toward them and shyly spoke, "Hi." That was all she seemed to manage as her heart seemed to thump rapidly in her chest.

"Hi Rachel." They both greeted, tentatively moving closer until Casey put a gentle hand on the girl's shoulder.

"Ready to get out of here?"

"More than ready." She stated, and actually felt it true. She was nervous and wasn't absolutely sure she could handle it, but she wanted to try finally finding home.

"Then let's go."

"Ok." There was that smile again; one they didn't ever see before. Small and meek as it was, it was so different from any other she gave before. It was true. It was real. It was… It was Rachel. Genuine Rachel…

"You coming?" Shelby asked as she started for the exit.

"Just… Just… One second." She stuttered.

"Ok." Both she and Case stopped and watched as Rachel walked over to the doctor.

"Thank you." She whispered to the woman.

"You're very welcome Rachel." Becks responded and pulled the girl into a hug. "Remember what you learned. You got this."

"I got this…" It wasn't confident, but it wasn't weak either.

"Goodbye Rachel."

"Bye Dr. Becks."

Watching her patient go, the good doctor was hopeful for the family and for the girl. Like with all her patients, she wanted her to do well, wished for it, and knew that she could. Only time would tell, but she was pulling for them.

"We missed you so much Rachel." They both told her as they made it to the car.

Feeling the weight of their attention and continued praise about how "healthy" she looked, Rachel tried changing the subject. "Where's Beth?" She asked.

"She's with your grandparents."

"Probably on their way to the house now."

"They're… they're coming over?" Now? Today? While she was coming home?

"They should be there by the time we arrive."

"Are you ok with that?"

"I…" Did she have a choice? She couldn't hide forever could she? Though she entertained the thought. "I guess so."

Sensing her hesitation, Shelby turned in the passenger's seat toward the center console to face her daughter. "If you're not, that's ok. You can see them a different day. They're going to be staying at Casey's for a while anyway."

"Super fun for me by the way." Casey added sarcastically.

Rachel ignored it and just took a minute to process. Maybe… maybe this was something she needed to do… face them like she faced Shelby and Casey. They deserved the same chance to tell her what a horrible person she'd been to them… or whatever else they wanted to say. And… she'd have to face them eventually. Stalling would just make it harder. You can't ignore your problems Rachel. Look at a situation in full, come up with a plan, and face it head on. She heard Dr. Beck's say in her head. "No… it's… It's ok. I… want to see them…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Or she wasn't, but she didn't want to change her mind either, so she had to commit to it then and there.

"Ok." Shelby responded slightly skeptically. "Let's get you home then."

It was then, Rachel realized, truly, that she was going home. She wasn't going to Shelby's house or Beth's house, she was going to their home. At least, that was what she wanted it to be. It was what she was going to work on making it. It would take some getting used to and her mind would have to really adjust and knock down some more of those walls, but she hoped she could get there. She had to.

When they started into Lima, Rachel could feel the anxious fluttering already going strong. Her hands were unconsciously running against the raised edges of the skin on her wrists. All the thoughts she was taught to ignore were suddenly there in full force. She just knew they were going to look at her differently. She looked at herself differently, so how could they not?

As each house passed by and they moved closer to their destination, she became more and more entranced with her scars. She was trying to be the new her… That was the old her. But changing and being "better" didn't erase the past. Events happened. She did that to herself and there was a permanent reminder of it. She just wished it wasn't there… If she could go back in time… Which point would she go to?

"Rachel?"

"Hmm." She finally looked up. They were parked outside the house, car off, and her family out of the car. How long had they been there? "What?"

"We're here… Do you need a minute?" Shelby asked. And Rachel could clearly see the concern on both the older women's faces.

She shook her head. If she took a minute it would turn to two and then three and then four and then she'd never go in. "No… I… I'm ok."

"Alright." She looked to Casey for guidance.

"Rachel, honey, we'll grab your bags. Come in when you feel up for it ok?"

"I'm coming." She didn't move. She had to move…

Casey walked over and opened the car door. "Would you like me to wait with you?" Looking nowhere but her lap, she sheepishly nodded. It was foolish, but she needed that comfort. "Scoot over." Rachel barely registered what her aunt said through the thought haze, but she moved over just enough for Casey to fit. Once sitting beside her, Casey took Rachel's hand in hers and said, "Take your time. No hurry ok?"

As if in a scene separate the one she was starring in, Rachel heard the ambient noise. She heard Casey shoo Shelby away and tell her to get the bags and deal with their parents. "She's fine." Casey said. "Nothing to worry about." Obviously they were talking about her. She figured she'd have to get used to that; the talk. People were going to talk about her. It was a fact… One she hated but knew she had no control over. "Just breathe honey. It'll be ok. We're all family." Rachel hadn't realized that she was starting to panic, but listening to Casey's voice helped soothe her. They were family… It wouldn't be so bad…

"We should go inside." Rachel finally spoke. "They don't need any more reason to think I'm a freak."

"Rachel… no one thinks…"

"Let's just go." She didn't want to hear Casey tell her it wasn't true. Then she'd be lying and Rachel couldn't handle that.

"Ok." Casey held out a hand after sliding out of the car which Rachel gladly took. She could do it. She repeated it in her mind. She could, they were family and they loved her… She hoped that meant it wouldn't go nearly as bad or awkwardly as she anticipated.

Each step agonizingly slow, Rachel finally stopped them at the door. "It's just Grandpa and Grandma, right?"

"Right. Danny had to fly back for the semester but said he's going to take you to that music shop once he comes back for vacation. And Mark says he's happy you're home and would like to spend time with you too, but he didn't want to crowd you." Small favors, she thought.

"Tell him I'd like that. Both of them."

"I will, but we should really get inside now. I promise, it will be ok. The love you just like we do ad if you need out of there for any reason, you come find me and I'll help you escape."

"Ok." She laughed.

"Oh honey… It's so nice to see you laugh. I'm so happy to have you home." Casey said. "Let's go. You got this."

When they walked in, they could hear the whispers of talking coming from the other room. Rachel was clearly still nervous, but Casey offered her the comfort she needed. "You need out, just look in my direction and I'll create a distraction. I think I have some matches hidden. A small fire should do the trick."

"Casey! That's not at all acceptable." She laughed again before becoming serious. "Thank you."

"Rachel, is that you?"

"Looks like we're caught."

"Yeah Grandma, it's me. I'll be right there."

"Mama! Mama that Rachel."

"Is that Beth?" Rachel asked Casey.

"Yeah."

"She sounds… She sounds so much older." Her voice was sad. She missed so much.

"The thing about children," she started, moving wisps of hair from Rachel's face, "is they grow up pretty fast. You blink and you miss it all."

"How does she even remember who I am?"

"Oh Hon. You're her sister. Every single time she walked by your room she made a point of saying 'Rachel room.' And then she'd ask if you were coming home."

"It just…"

"What is it?"

"It's nothing." Though the tear in her eye said otherwise. "We should go in there before we have a family reunion in the foyer. It might get a little claustrophobic."

The first person to greet her was Beth. The toddler ran to her, steady on her feet, and practically jumped into her arms. Rachel embraced it. This was her sister, she was the big sister and it was time she started to be one. "Hi Beth. I missed you."

"Beth miss Rachel."

"You did?" The girl nodded. "Well…" She made a point to avoid the gazes that were clearly on her. "I'm home now… I'm home."

"Rachel home!"

"Yes she is." They could all agree and be happy about that.

Her grandparents didn't want to let her out of their sight. No one did. They all just wanted to keep her as close by as they could. Maggie and Pete kept telling her how good she looked and how proud they were of her. It made her a little uncomfortable and her first instinct was to run, but she knew she couldn't. She had to be strong and face it. She had to be… Rachel. Figuring out who that was would be a process. But the Rachel she always knew loved the attention. One day, she'd love that again too.

"Did you have a good time sweetheart?"

"Maggie?! The girl wasn't on vacation." Pete scolded then looked to Rachel. "Don't mind her dear. She just wants to know how you're feeling."

"Oh… um… good? I feel good. I'm… I'm happy to be home. I'm happy to see all of you again and to just… just be here."

"We're happy for all of that too."

Without warning, Maggie just wrapped her arms around Rachel and squeezed her tight. "You scared the pants off of us sweetheart, nearly drove me to drink. Please, please don't leave us again."

"I… I'll do my best…"

"Can I join in?" Pete asked them.

"Sure Grandpa. Give us a hug."

They stayed in the living room catching up for a long while, but it was getting late. Beth was down for the count early and it was really time to eat. Shelby was putting it off, terrified to start in on food, but there was no more avoiding it. "Are we ready for this?" Shelby stood, back to her sister, arms resting on the counter as her back slouched. "Can we handle this? I mean, I feel anxious about food now. I can't imagine what she's feeling."

"Shelby, remember what the therapist said? We have to just do things like we normally would."

"But what's normal? There's no baseline here. Normal consists of fights and bickering and food being hidden in pockets or spit into napkins when I wasn't looking. That's all I've ever really seen. That's my normal. And I can't help but expect now to be the same."

"Look at me Shelby. Please." Her sister turned to face her. "I can't promise you she won't relapse. I can't promise you that this isn't all an act…"

"This isn't helping Casey."

"… But I can tell you that this feels different. She feels genuine and she is making an effort. We have to do the same. We have to give her support and offer her some sense of faith so that she has the strength to show us what normal is. We're going to keep an eye on her. That's a given, but we can't go into this thinking she's going to fail. If we do, we've already lost her and we're just wasting time until she's gone for good."

"I… I just…" She was a bit dumbfounded. Her sister was right, she supposed. "I am just so happy she's here and healthier and all I could think about was getting her home… Even with the therapy, I haven't really given much thought to what it would be like to have her back. How I would be…"

"It's a learning process Shel. We'll figure it out as we go. Trial and error."

"I'm terrified of the error."

"Me too. But if we only focus on that possibility, we miss all the good. She's home. She's safe. Let's do what we can to make it stay that way."

"You're right."

"Music to my ears."

"Shut up." Shelby threw a dish towel at Casey, then leaned against the counter. "They gave us a meal plan for her to follow at first to make the transition easier."

"That's good. Did you make something off of it?"

"Yea, it's almost ready. Can you wrangle everyone please?"

"Of course." Casey left Shelby to finish up and returned to the rest of her family. "Dinner's almost ready." She told them and made a subtle gesture to her parents to, kindly, get out of the room and give them some privacy.

"I'm going to see if Shelby needs some help in the kitchen. Love her to death, but that woman was never a culinary genius. Burnt water before, I swear it." The palpable tension seemed to ease a bit.

"I think I'll help too. You know what they say, six hands are better than four."

"I don't think they say that Grandpa." Rachel informed him.

"No? Well they should. Join us once you get washed up. Eight hands are better than six." He winked.

The remaining two stood idly. "How are you doing?"

"Fine. I'm fine." Rachel was quick to answer.

"Fine? Is that it?"

"I'm…" Casey wasn't going to let go and there was a voice in her head, coincidentally sounding a lot like Dr. Becks, which told her to just be honest. "I'm a little overwhelmed. I missed everyone and it was nice to see them, but…"

"But we Corcorans are a lot to handle?"

"Exactly." She nodded. They were a group of diva-ness and eccentricity wrapped in a pretty picture.

"Well, you're doing great. They don't really know how to take a hint, but get through today and I'll keep them away for a day or two. I can't promise any longer than that."

"Thanks Aunt Casey."

"Anytime kid. Now, go wash up Rachel. And take your time, but don't disappear. I don't want to hear your mother and I'm sure you don't want her chasing you down."

"I'll be quick."

They went their separate ways, Rachel to her room and Casey to the kitchen. "Where's Rachel?" Shelby asked.

"She just went upstairs for a second. She's fine."

"Ok, want to help me out?"

"What do you need me to do?"

"Grab the napkins." She directed. "And… And no napkin for Rachel."

"Shelby… Shel she's going to realize you did that intentionally."

"I know… But she'll also have to realize why." She'd do it, but she didn't have to like it. If they didn't show Rachel they trusted her, how was she supposed to trust herself? Shaking her head, she placed the napkins and silverware net to the already set plates. Pete took his place at the table while Casey and Maggie helped Shelby bring over the food.

All sitting and waiting, Shelby said, "I thought you said she was just cleaning up before dinner."

"I did. I told her to jut freshen up and come to the kitchen."

"She's been up there for fifteen minutes now."

"Has it really been that long?" She looked to her watch and shook her head. "Want me to go check on her?"

Casey stood before anyone could answer, but Shelby stopped her. "I think I should do it. I know she's closer to you… And I love you for it… But I need to do this." She said quietly, her hand gently gripping her sister's arm. "If I come back crying you can pick up the pieces… Ok?"

"I understand. Go… Go be her mom." Shelby nodded and left.

Meanwhile, after heading upstairs, Rachel felt paralyzed. She hadn't been in the house for so long. She hadn't been her room in months. Everything was so different and sill so the same. Or maybe she was different and things were the same. Or… Or… Her head wasn't even making sense. But there she stood, staring at the room like it housed a thousand loose reptilian creatures waiting to feast on her. The last time she was in that room… Her memories weren't full of cotton candy and fluff. That was for sure. But… It as just a room. Wasn't it? So, things happened there… It didn't change that it was just an object; a place…

Still, she couldn't go in. She simply stared. There was still no door. That was what she focused on. There was no door. It was an insignificant thing. She knew there wasn't one before. But now, she couldn't see past it. She couldn't stay there either. All these feelings were resurfacing and she didn't know what to do. She could go in there… It would be so easy to just go in there and find one of the razors she hid… But… She couldn't, could she? She wanted to… She so wanted to. She wanted to run downstairs, raid the fridge, binge on all the crap she knew Shelby kept in there, and then shove her fingers down her throat.

"No!" She said aloud. "No… No you can't." You can. "I won't… I don't want to." You want to, so bad. "I want to, but I won't." She stood firm. "I won't." But even she heard the lack of conviction in her voice. And that scared her. It scared her because she truly wanted to be better and she was seriously doubting if she was. "Maybe they should just lock me away forever." She thought.

All she knew for sure was that she couldn't keep standing there. She needed somewhere safe. She needed somewhere to just sit with her thoughts and get her head on right. She needed somewhere to breathe. Every single room in that house, though, held some sort of triggering memory… Except maybe one.

And that was where she needed to be. That was where she went.

That was where she stayed.

"Rachel?!" The frantic call pulled her room her stupor, but she couldn't say anything. She just needed to keep breathing. In through the nose 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Hold 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… Out through the mouth 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… "Rachel?!" Breathe. "Damn it Rachel! Where the hell are you?" The last place she'd think to look.

She didn't hear anyone come in. She was just sitting there, solitary, breathing. "Jesus Rachel! Didn't you her us calling you?"

"What?" She finally spoke.

"We were looking for you. Have you been here the whole time?"

"I'm sorry. I was… I was just sitting here." She had yet to look up, but she knew who she was talking to. She also realized how crazy she sounded.

"Are you ok?" She sat down next to Rachel, desperate to see her eyes and know.

And she got what she wanted. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. I just. I wanted to sit here and…"

"And be alone for a bit?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry Casey." Now she felt bad again. "I didn't mean to scare everyone. I just… I was…"

"Be honest with me. Please Rachel. What's going on?"

"I haven't… I haven't been in my room, since… since I… since I…"

"Say it. It's ok to say it."

"No it's not. It's not ok. I did that and I hurt everyone. I did that by… by trying to kill myself."

"You did hurt us. I can't deny that, but you're here. You're still here and trying. That makes it a hell of a lot easier and us a whole lot happier."

"It's just… I really am sorry for hurting everyone and I don't want to go in there and feel… everything."

"You're going to be ok Rachel. You know how I know that?"

"How?"

"Because you have my blood."

"Casey…"

"No, seriously, I know that because you're thinking about it. You knew it would be hard and you came in here to work through it instead of maybe pushing yourself for something you weren't ready for. That lets me know you're going to be just fine."

"Thanks Casey."

"You think we can try this again?" She nodded. "Ok, let's head downstairs."

Shelby was outside the door the whole time. She wanted to be the one to be there for Rachel, but she was actually glad it was her sister. She knew she wouldn't have handled it so well. Actually, since the thought of being in Rachel's room alone, like she had been doing, kind of set her off in a bad way, she wouldn't ended up saying something terribly stupid. That she knew.

It was her turn to breathe. Count to ten. Deep breaths. You're all going to be fine.

As she heard them coming toward the door, she raced downstairs to beat them and avoid being seen. No fuel needed to be added to the fire, especially not when it appeared to be dying down. Maggie and Pete realized that they really should go. "We so enjoyed seeing her and being with you all today, but we know as well as you, she can only take so much of us. At most, she had only spent an hour or so with us at a time the last few months. We're going to head over to Casey's and order in with Mark."

"You don't need to…"

"It's better you three face this one without an audience. We know we don't need to go, but it's best we do.

"Have some faith in her dear. She's a Corcoran; strong like her mom and aunt."

"Ok… Thanks mom and dad."

"We'll see you soon." The parents gave their daughter a kiss on the cheek and then saw themselves out. They were right. She didn't know how the food portion of the day was going to go and maybe it was better it be just them.

They were out the door just in time for Casey and Rachel to come in. "Hey, where are mom and dad?"

"They left."

Great, Rachel thought, she scared them away. Point one Rachel. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. They were tired. That's all." Sure they were… "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Ok… Sit down." Dinner time… Moment of truth…

It was awkward. There was no way around that. And Rachel was beyond nervous. They all were. But they'd get through it. Rachel picked up her fork and moved to place a napkin on her lap, but there was none. She knew immediately it wasn't an accident. Looking around, every spot, even those abandoned, had one. She did not. Bowing her head, she just tried to ignore it. They didn't trust her. She expected it, but she wasn't completely prepared for it.

The whole situation was hard. It didn't help that she could feel their eyes borrowing holes into her head. Head down, bite, chew, swallow. She repeated that over and over to herself. Their staring was getting to her though. She thought she'd be used to it. She was constantly monitored in rehab, but it felt different. "I… um… I'm done." She told them.

"Rachel…" This was not the start they wanted. She seemed to be doing ok at first. Her bites were smaller than a normal forkful and she took her time chewing, but she was eating. Then she stopped. Half her plate, a plate that was balanced and not at all full to begin with. What happened? "You haven't eaten it all."

"I know but…" Under the table, she snapped the rubber band against her wrist. She found it in Shelby's room and used it as a safe substitute, something her therapist told her to use if she had to, but to try other methods first. She needed it.

"No buts Rachel. You need to eat."

"I know. It's just…"

"No, please don't do this…"

"I'm not doing anything. I just…" How did she say it without sounding terrible and upsetting her? "I don't really like this…" She pointed to the pasta. "The sauce is kind of…" Not great… burnt if possible. "Not good…"

"Oh." Relief was all they felt. Shelby didn't even take the insult personally. Sometimes she was a great cook, sometimes not so much. "Ok…" If she wasn't going to eat that, she still needed something.

And Rachel knew that too. She had to make an effort. "Umm… I could… I saw you bought some soy yogurt. I could… I could have that and…and an apple… You know, instead?"

Both Shelby and Casey internally smiled and sighed in relief. They were anticipating a big fight. They thought it was a ploy… But she was making an alternative suggestion… to eat. What?! "Yes, that would be good. Do you want me to grab it for you?"

"No." She answered quickly. "I can do it." And she needed away from that still. Claustrophobic table, even if it was only a dozen or so feet to the fridge. "I got it. Do you need a refill?" She pointed to their drinks. "I can get you one." More time away.

"No, thank you. Just get what you need and come back please."

"Alright." They watched her go, observing every move, much to her discomfort. She thought the watching was over, but she was starting to see it was only just beginning. Opening the fridge, she bent down so her face was hidden behind the metal door. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breathe. You can make it through this. The only hard day was yesterday… Yeah, keep telling yourself that…

Grabbing the food, she returned to the table. Taking too much time staring at the light inside a cold metal box would make her seem crazy. Correction… Crazier…

She ate most of it, slowly and with an audience, but she felt so full and gross. "May I be excused?"

"Where are you going?" Bathroom… To not throw up.

"I thought I could go to your office, maybe listen to some music…"

"You can do that later… You can either stay at the table for the next half hour or you can come sit with us in the living room. Your choice."

"But… why?"

"I don't really want to do this right now, but I suppose we need to go over some ground rules."

"Didn't we already do that in therapy?"

"Partially."

"So there's more?" Great…

"Things are different now. We have to set new rules." She explained.

"Can we do it tomorrow? Please… I'll sit here like a good little girl, but can we please do the rest tomorrow?" She was tired. The day was… long already.

"Yes. We can go over it tomorrow. You still have to stay here though."

"I'm not going anywhere."

They left Rachel in there, staying within distance to hear her if she tried to make a break for it, but far enough away to have a conversation and not be overheard. "I heard you guys talking up there."

"You did?"

"Thank you for always knowing what to say to her."

"I don't know what to say Shel. I just respond to her. That's all." It came naturally. It was part of being an older sister and then a mother and now an aunt too.

"Well, thanks for being there for us… I was thinking I'd ask her to stay in my room tonight. If she can't face her room, she shouldn't have to until she's ready."

"I think that sounds like a good idea."

"I want her to feel comfortable here. Happy even. That won't happen if she is terrified."

"You're right." She peeked over at Rachel who sat stoically. "She doesn't seem too happy with us."

"She'll have to get over that. Things have to be different now. This is different."

"I know. Do you want me to stay tonight? I can."

"It's ok. You should get home. Spend some time with our parents and Mark. I'd like some time with her." Just the two of them before the first inevitable downfall came.

"Alright. But call if you need anything. No matter what time it is."

"You bet."

She kissed her sister's cheek. "I'm just going to say goodbye to her and then I'll leave you two to it."

"Thanks." Casey nodded and walked over to Rachel.

"Hey Rachel. I just came in to say good night."

"Am I being sent off to bed now?"

"No." She laughed. "I'm heading home."

"You mean you're not… You're not staying?"

"Not tonight Kiddo."

"But…" No… No! Why? Shelby would want to talk… She didn't know if she could do it without her… her aunt and friend and middle man mediator person there too.

"Do you want me to stay? I can and I will."

"No…" It came out meekly. "No." A little stronger. "There's no need." Time to grow up sometime… Be an adult Rachel. Don't act like a child.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. But… I'll see you tomorrow right?"

"You're going to see me so much you'll be sick of me."

"I doubt that." She stood and after a brief moment of awkwardly standing there, she abruptly swung her arms around her aunt. "Thanks for bringing me back." There were so many different ways to take that, each more poignant than the last.

"Always Rachel."

"I… I love you Casey."

"And I love you… So much Rachel." She reluctantly parted from the girl. "If you need me or you can't sleep and you want to talk, call me."

"Ok."

"Promise."

"I swear I will."

"Ok." Repeating her earlier actions, she kissed the girls cheek. "See you tomorrow."

"Night Casey."

"Sleep well Rach."

She returned to her seat and waited with her thoughts. Eventually she heard the door shut and her mother approaching. "Hey Rachel."

"Hi."

"Want to come in the other room with me? We can listen to some music."

"Ok."

This was the first time they had been alone together in some time. And, as nervous as they both were, it was nice. They listened to some Broadway classics and discussed different parts of plays. It felt so perfect and family like; how thy always imagined their mother daughter relationship in dreams. But Shelby knew she had to just enjoy it while she could. The next step in the process was almost guaranteed to upset Rachel.

"It's getting late." And it killed Shelby that their good night was going to end. "We should get to bed."

"Do we have to?" The idea of going into that room… Not doing pretty things to her head. Avoiding triggers… she was told to do that, but that whole room felt like a trigger. She lived… and at least in some part both figuratively and literally, she died there…

"We really do. We have a lot to do tomorrow. So, get up and go get ready for bed." She didn't want to. It meant going into her room. She still wasn't sure why it terrified her so much, but there was something about going back to the darkest moment of your life that's just… monumental. It's like facing a part of yourself you never want to see again. And she never wanted to see that dark place again. It was lonely and cold and suppressing and all consuming. It was an unbearable place to exist, that was why she almost didn't. She may feel lonely and sad and depressed and she may still have issues with mirrors, but she wasn't there. She wasn't in that place where the only way out was six feet under a mountain of dirt… Not now and hopefully never again. She knew it was just a room. But it was also a real fear. It threatened her mental state. What wasn't to fear about that? It was already a delicate thing anyway. "Casey bought you some new pajamas. They're in my room if you'd like to wear them."

"Sure." Arguing felt like more of an effort than she was willing to give. She just wanted to be good and be better. Fighting wouldn't get her that. "Can I shower at least?" Anything to put off going to bed…

"Yes, use my shower. I forgot to put the body wash and hair stuff in yours."

"Ok." Rachel peeled herself off the couch and started for the stairs, stopping on the first step when she felt the presence behind her. "Are you coming with me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I can."

"Are you showering with me too?" Because that would be unacceptable. She'd have to put her tiny little,

"No."

"That's good." She continued walking on. "I don't believe I want an audience for that."

"But the door to that bathroom remains open."

She stilled. "Why?"

"It's just the way things have to be."

"You're serious? Do I have to leave the shower door open too?" She hissed. "Why don't you just come in with me? You can wash my hair."

"Don't get smart with me Rachel. This is happening. I'm not asking, I'm telling. So the door stays open. You take your shower and come out into my room."

"For what?"

"Rachel, let's not ruin today with attitude. Go take your shower and we'll talk after."

"Fine." It wasn't like she had much choice.

Rachel convinced Shelby to allow her to leave the door semi opened rather than all the way so it was closed enough to give her some privacy. It was a small win that she needed so she didn't feel the world would collapse. But it still felt that way. She couldn't explain why and it was different than before, but the feeling was still there. She hoped the hot water would do her some good. But, as she stripped down, she was forced to see herself in the mirror. There was just something about mirrors. They can't lie. What's there is there even, and especially, if you didn't like it. And she still had trouble liking what she saw. She was still underweight and she knew that. She was healthier, almost back to where she was told she should be, but that wasn't much comfort. She still saw fat. She was just taught to tolerate it.

That didn't mean she wanted to stare at herself naked in the mirror though. Or at all for that matter. Knowing the door hid the mirror and her, she threw one of the towels over the mirror. To cope, she told herself. One day it wouldn't be such an effort. Then, though, it was and she just wanted to shower. But that came with issue too. Clothes covered the scars. She had been wearing long sleeves every day even the summer months. It covered things. Pants cloaked the marks on her legs and shirts covered the rest. She was ashamed of them. They told her she shouldn't be. Dr. Becks made her walk around the hospital in short sleeves as a test and nobody stared. But, she reasoned, most of the people there had the same or similar afflictions. That wasn't much of a test. If they judged her, they judged themselves.

So she got through it. But that was there. This was… home and he family. What if Beth saw? Would it make Shelby sad to see? Would Casey start to hate her if she saw them?

Damn it! The hot water cascading her body hid it, but the tears were there. She didn't want to think like that. But even months of therapy couldn't eradicate everything. "It's a lifelong battle." She could hear the doctors saying. "The thoughts and feelings, even the urges… They may always be there. It's how you deal with them and handle yourself that we can work on. That's what you're here for. We'll give you the tools and then you'll know how to deal." At first she didn't understand that. There she did though. The thoughts were there. The feelings were definitely there. And the urges… well those hadn't gone away.

Even standing there, washing herself, she kept staring at Shelby's razor. She knew they were right not to trust her. She made it that way. It didn't make it hurt any less though. She imagined the distrust was only going to become more apparent in the following days. "And it's my fault." She said. That razor was looking awfully appealing. Her hand reached out for it, inching closer and closer and…

"Rachel?" She pulled her hand back so fast she nearly toppled herself with whiplash, her other hand reached for the wall to keep herself upright and knocked a bottle over in the effort. "Are you ok in there?"

"Fine."

"You've been in there a long time. I was just coming to check on you when I heard something. Did you fall? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, everything is perfectly ok. I just happened to drop a bottle."

"You almost done?"

"I'm just rinsing out my hair. I'll be out as soon as I'm done."

"Ok. I put a new bathrobe on top of the counter for you."

"Thanks." Now please get out. Just get out!

"Let me know if you need anything." Rachel hoped if she didn't answer her mother would leave. And she did leave, but Shelby stayed at the door and just stood there for a moment. Her daughter was home and she was so beyond thrilled, but she knew, as hard as it was with her gone, it was also so much easier. Of course she worried, but she knew Rachel was safer at a facility. There was constant supervision and strict rules. There was a certain safety away from the real world. And she didn't have to burden of that weight when Rachel was gone. She loved her daughter and was happy she was there, but she would be a liar if she didn't admit it was also incredibly hard to have her there again.

She wasn't sure how to do it and she didn't want to screw up again. That just wasn't an option. She couldn't fail her again. She had to protect her this time… even if from herself.

She became so lost in thought she didn't realize how long she stood there, only noticing when she heard the metal squeak of the knob turning. The water was being shut off. Rachel would be out soon. And then it was time to invade her space. Rachel was going to hate it. She already hated it and she hadn't even done it yet.

"Where's the hair dryer?" Rachel asked as she came out, the robe clearly too big for her thin frame.

"It's in here. Why don't you sit? Let me do your hair?"

"Oh… Um… Ok. That would be nice."

"Great." She smiled. "Sit. I'll get everything." No harm in enjoying a little time with her daughter before she basically told her there was absolutely no trust between them and there was going to be no privacy at all…

Shelby enjoyed being able to do Rachel's hair. It was such a simple thing, but also a cherished new memory. She loved that Rachel allowed her to do this, to brush and braid her hair. And it was nice to run the comb through and not see a clump of hair come out because her body was so malnourished.

Her daughter ate that day. Her daughter let her do her hair. Her daughter didn't complain, too much, when she told her about how the shower was going to work. Her daughter was strong and just so incredibly courageous. She envied that as much as she hated it. That strength and independence were what got her by, but they were also part of her the cause. It led to trouble and an inability to seek help. But they were there now. That was what was important.

"Thanks Shelby." Rachel told her. "Where did you say those pajamas were?"

"Right here." She reached on top of the dresser. "But before you put them on…"

Oh god… "What is it?"

"I… I need to check you Rachel."

"Check me?" She knew what that meant. She hoped she was wrong.

"Yes, I need you to come out here… and you can and should wear your underwear of course, but I need you to come out here so I can make sure you didn't…"

"Didn't what? Try to off myself in the shower? The shower you were right outside the room for…"

"I know you may not understand…" The problem was more that she did. And the stung just ran deeper.

"It's fine Shelby. It's like I never left rehab." Only more humiliating because it was her mother checking her over. And that was one thing she never wanted her family to see again. She didn't want to hurt them anymore and she knew the sight would stab them in the heart.

"Rachel…" Shelby wanted her daughter to understand.

As she continued to head back into the bathroom, she said, "I get it Shelby… I'll be right out." With that, she shut the door. It was probably against the rules and Shelby would agree it was, but it was needed in that moment and her mother wasn't going to say anything. "Let's just get this over with." She said as she came back out. She stood there in her robe and waited for Shelby to approach.

"You have to take that of you know?"

"I know." She slowly slipped off the robe, suddenly more uncomfortable than she thought possible. Why was this happening? "Just do it." Her eyes remained sealed tight the entire time. She couldn't bear the look she believed her mother would have.

Shelby did have a look on her face. She was heartbroken. Yes, she saw some of the scars before, but Rachel was good at hiding things. And they were everywhere. Some she never saw before… Some that happened while in treatment… It was hard to see. She knew she was the reason for some of them and that was a hard pill to swallow. "Turn around please." Rachel followed orders. She could feel Shelby's hand on her body examining the scars. It was taking longer than it needed. The uncomfortableness they were both feeling was climbing to a new extreme. "Ok, we're done." Shelby said sadly. There were just so many scars… And those were just the physical ones. Never mind that she still looked a bit too skeletal without all those clothes on.

"Great." Her voice was so quiet. She didn't have the strength to be loud. "So what now?"

"Your clothes are right there. You can get dressed." She did. Her mother already saw her practically naked, she might as well see her put some clothes on.

Rachel's head still hung low. She hated herself a little more and she hated the look on her mother's face; pity. No one liked pity. "And now?"

"Now it's time for bed."

"Oh-kay…" She was reluctant, but as Shelby headed into her bathroom, she moved into the hall… and stood there. Though she kept telling herself she could do it, and she knew she could, she was still scared. And that she didn't know how to just stop.

"Rachel?"

"Hmm?" She must've been there a while.

"I don't like to go in there either." Shelby admitted.

"Really?" Rachel's attention was had as she turned to her mother.

"It's hard. It makes me think of that day, of finding you in there…" She drifted.

"I'm sorry…" Way to make a girl feel worse…

"You want to know what makes going in there easier?"

Genuinely curious, she asked, "What?"

"Not doing it alone." She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it actually would be to a normal person. None of them were normal.

Was that even an option? It wasn't likely Beth would want to be her moral support. And she had qualms about asking the mother she destroyed emotionally to be her own emotional backbone. It just wasn't going to happen. "Yeah?"

"Yes. So how about I go in there with you? We can face this together."

"It's just a room. I can do it on my own." Lie.

"But you don't need to. I'm right here. And, maybe I need you to be able to go in there."

"Ok, but we're not holding hands or anything."

"I wouldn't dream of it." She laughed.

Together, they went into the room. Each step was daunting and emotional, but also liberating. The room itself wasn't the cause of her distress. And it was so different. "You… you moved things." It was a question, but not.

"Yes. We changed a lot." Clearly, life moved on without her. Why would it stop just because she went all crazy? It was what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted all of them to move o without her once she died. That was the plan. She tried to kill herself and she wanted them all to just go on. So they did. She got what she wanted.

She didn't know why that hurt so much. But it did.

"Most of your stuff is still here." Shelby explained as Rachel wandered the room. "Some of it…" and she wasn't going to say which then. "Some of it we moved and some we got rid of."

"Oh…"

"Nothing of importance was touched Rachel. Everything's still here… But there are some things we got rid of that… they needed to be gotten rid of."

"I'm tired." Beyond exhausted really.

"Why don't you lay down? I'll stay here until you fall asleep." She pointed to the desk.

"Ok." Everything was just so overwhelming. It almost made her miss the structured life of rehab. At least she usually knew what to expect there. There was no predictability here.

Rachel pulled down the fresh linen, the laundry scent of lavender filling the air. Shelby was next to her, ready to tuck her in. "Hop in." She did. She zombie walked into the bed and laid down. But she said nothing. "Goodnight Rachel." Shelby said as she pulled the comforter up. "I love you." She was about to go over to the chair when Rachel's hand popped out from under the cover and grabbed hers.

"Wait."

"What is it Rachel? Do you need something?"

"Will you… Will you lay with me? I… I don't want to be alone."

"Of course. I'd love to." Shelby snuck in on the other side. Like Rachel had, she avoided looking in the direction of the bathroom. Cleaned and scrubbed and sanitized and it would always be that bloody mess to her.

The pair laid in silence. It didn't take long for Shelby to sleep or for Rachel, but it didn't last long. She was so tired, but her mind and the jitters were all getting to her. Why was it just so hard? Why did she have to be such a mess and a disappointment? Why couldn't she just be normal like everyone else? She couldn't help the cry that left her. Her body shook with quiet sobs. She didn't want to wake her mother too. But she did anyway. They were practically spooning, so as soon as she began to shake, Shelby was quick to wake.

"It's ok Rachel. Let it out." She told her as she wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. "This is overwhelming and scary… For me too. For all of us. But this is home. You belong here. And we're so happy to have you back. I love you. I love you so much. We're going to make it." She assured her. "I love you."

"I… I love you to mom." She managed to say between hiccupping sobs. It filled Shelby with such joy and pride to hear and it truly made what she said more real. They were going to be ok.

She squeezed her a little tighter. "I'm right here. Always. Just let it out."

It was a bonding moment. A time of growth. They could only build from there.

The next morning, Casey was there bright and early. Rachel woke at exactly seven, just as she had every single day in rehab. They weren't allowed out of bed earlier unless they needed the bathroom, or later unless there was reason. But when she woke, she was sandwiched between her mom and aunt. "When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago." Casey whispered. "I was hoping to wake up and get here before you got up."

"Worried about me?"

"Always. You're my niece. I'm bound to worry. Imagine my shock when I saw this cute as pie picture. I just had to be a part of it. I guess I was more tired than I thought because I fell asleep s soon as I laid down."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too." Casey told her. "Let's let her sleep and go make breakfast."

Casey saw the cringe but thought little of it. Her associations with food were bound to create some unpleasantness. "I suppose we should." Rachel agreed. Agreeing was all she could do. They deserved her to be on her best behavior.

"Alright. That's my girl."

That part of the day was easy enough. Oatmeal, fruit, and a smoothie for breakfast. That, and a handful of pills. She half expected Casey to ask her to open her mouth and stick her tongue out so she could make sure they were swallowed. She would've did it without complaint, but she was glad she didn't have to.

After breakfast was taken care of and Beth was already down there, they woke Shelby up to join them. There was still issue. It wasn't going to be any different than the night before just because a few hours passed, but Rachel ate and they didn't stare… too much. Beth seemed to take some of the attention off her which she was forever grateful for. This was one place she absolutely did not want the spotlight on her. Yay Beth, throw some more food! Keep them looking at you!

By lunch, they started the process all over and Shelby thought it was time to start in on the rules. "There's no going to the bathroom after meals."

"What if I have to relieve myself?"

"Then one of us will escort you."

"Like watch me as I go?"

"More, stand outside with the door slightly open."

"I had more privacy in rehab."

"I doubt that."

"I don't."

"I know it's hard Rachel. But trust needs to be earned back. I have faith it you and I believe in you, but it's a work in progress. I need to do this to make sure you're safe."

"Whatever. I'm sure there's a laundry list of new rules. What are they?"

They went over everything in detail. It was stricter than the first few weeks in treatment. She had no breathing room at all. What the hell did they want from her? She was trying? She wasn't perfect… clearly, but she was trying her best!

She was frustrated and only became more so when her grandparents and uncle came over.

That was hard. They all kept talking. Which was fine and great. That's what family's all about. But they wanted to ask her questions and talk about the future and just talk, talk, talk. She could barely see what would happen five minutes from them. She didn't understand how they didn't see she didn't know what the future held. She didn't know what her dreams were anymore. Add the constant reminder of the new reality, the stares and rules and all of that, and she wasn't having the best day.

She just wanted to escape. But she wasn't even allowed to be alone… No, that wasn't a rule, but if she so much as left the room for ten minutes they went looking for her and then watched her carefully after that like she was going to break… Or worse, that she already had.

And the first therapy session with her new shrink was… Not fun. She was given an assignment of sorts that she wasn't looking forward to one bit. "It's important Rachel. This came up several times in your journal and it's not a secret that will stop hurting, especially when you keep it to yourself."

"I'm not keeping it to myself. There are other people who know." Rachel told her.

"But did you tell them willingly." She got her there… "You need to open up and let people in. That's the only way to stay on track." If only it was that easy… Just do…

When she got home from the session, she was a mess. Thankfully there was Casey. She showed Rachel there was still some trust between them by allowing her to chop vegetables for dinner with the knife when she was purposely not given one at dinner the night before and the drawer seemed mysteriously void of all things sharp and pointy. That was the easy part. But the knife was hypnotizing. She wasn't going to lie. It would be so easy to just accidentally slice… No! She couldn't' think like that. Focus… breathe and focus.

"Should we be letting her do that?" All eyes were on Rachel and she was feeling it. They were worried.

"She's fine mom. She's fine Shelby. God, if we don't let her do anything she's going to wind up catatonic rocking in the corner. Give her a break. You already hid all the cutlery and stripped the house of anything that could be used as a weapon. She's right in front of us. She's not going to do anything. So relax."

"I hate that you're always right."

"Really? Because I love it."

"She really does." Mark added. "And she's always right or she has to be."

"Mark, you should stop talking before you bring out her threatening side."

"I don't have a threatening side… Not really."

"We call it your 'or else' side. You give some empty threats."

"Like how she'll cut me off."

"Keep talking and I will."

Their light hearted banter was distracting enough for them not to notice Rachel was gone. "Hey, where's Rachel?" Maggie asked. All the adults looked around as if she was hiding somewhere.

"Rachel?!" Shelby called out.

They got no answer, but heard music playing and followed the sound. When they got to Shelby's office they saw Rachel and Beth playing and dancing around. It was the most adorable thing. "See." Casey whispered into her sister's ear. "We can give her some freedom and she'll be ok. I know she lost a lot of our trust, but she can't have lost all of it. At least, she hasn't lost all of mine. Let her have some fun with her sister." Shelby nodded and they all departed.

Rachel was glad for the break though. She needed something distracting and her sister helped with that. She wanted to play and have fun and the teen needed that. But it didn't last long. She was called in for dinner and the next round of pills shortly after that. There was a schedule to follow. Structure was important… God, she hated that Becks' voice was in there.

But she listened to it. Mostly she had no choice.

After eating what she could with an even bigger audience, she, once again, chose to sit in there alone after the meal. She felt a little claustrophobic. She wanted to spend time with everyone, but she wasn't used to so many people all at once just focusing on her. Yes, it was like that at times at the center, but it was also very different. They weren't her family and attention was usually spread a little thinner or very one on one. This was like being a fish in a bowl everyone just stared at.

They just refused to give her space. As soon as the allotted time was up though, she was determined to get it. "Who's my escort to the bathroom this time?" She sighed. That was getting old real fast.

"I'll go." Shelby said and walked with her.

When done, Rachel asked, "Am I allowed to be alone at all? Can I just go to my room for a little while? It's not like I have a door… I just… I'm happy to be here and I'm happy everyone's here… But it's a lot Mom… It's a lot and I can't… I just can't breathe. I'm tired and I can't breathe." As sad as she was to hear that Shelby understood and was happy Rachel said something rather than let it fester.

"You can go to your room. Just come down or call one of us if you need something. I'll be putting Beth to bed soon so I'll come in and check on you then."

"You don't need to…" Shelby wasn't going to budge, "Fine."

But she did get some much needed time away. It was the first time since coming home she truly was alone. They knew where she was so they weren't searching. They weren't waiting for her. There wasn't a time limit. She could just be… She could kind of breathe. It wasn't like she had something to do. She didn't get her phone back so even if she wanted to call her friends, which she was scared and reluctant to do, she couldn't. But there was some busy work there. And journaling. She could do that.

Honestly, she needed to do that. Or she'd find a way to do what she really wanted…

Shelby did check on her like she said she would, but her attempts to get Rachel to leave her room were futile. Though Rachel still hadn't entered or went anywhere near her bathroom unless absolutely necessary, she was finding her room was still her room. It was her place even if it really wasn't exactly to her liking. That was where she wanted to be… alone and away from everything. And it wasn't like she had nothing to do. Though she was given time to keep up with her school work while away, she still had a pile of it to get through. It seemed like as good a time as any to do some.

"You seriously can't be working on school assignments! You just got home. You've got a whole week before you go back. You should take it easy." Casey scared her.

"I need to do something."

"But you should be doing something fun. Relax a little. Don't stress so much." Right, say it and it shall be…

"I guess I can relax for a few days." Rachel conceded with a smile. To Casey, though, it was so much more. It was the first sign that things were truly different. She wasn't pushing herself too hard too fast.

"That's the spirit." She joked happily. "I know you said you were tired, but we're about to start a movie. Why don't you join us? Everyone would like that. I know I would and your grandparents want to spend as much time with you as possible." Rachel was getting a weird sense of déjà vu. They had this exact conversation before. It was… oddly comforting.

Following the pattern of the last time they had this conversation, Rachel, though hesitant just like then too, asked, "What are you watching?"

"Haven't decided yet, but if you're going to join us, you better hurry up. You remember grandma has the worst taste in movies and she usually ends up picking. But if you come, maybe she'll let you pick and you can save us all from misery." She still wanted to say no, but how could she?

"We wouldn't want you all to suffer. I think I have a movie we'll all like." She looked around. She needed to at least get something done first. "I'll be right down."

"Great. I'll try to hold them off." She was just about to bounce along when Rachel called for her.

"Hey Casey?"

"Yes Rachel."

"There's… there's something I want to talk to you about… Well, not want but… My therapist said I need to… That in some ways, it affects you too… I involved you… And I don't want to talk to mom… to Shelby… And I… don't want to talk about it at all… But… I guess I have to?"

"Is that a question?"

"No…"

"You want to talk now?"

"No…"

"You let me know when and I'll be right there to listen."

"Maybe I can come over your house…"

"I'd like that."

She smiled. "Ok… And Casey?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"Thanks for help making this my home."

"We love you Rachel. This is home. You are home. Right where you belong. And I'm sorry you didn't feel that sooner. But you are home and you are loved."

And maybe, just maybe, she was really beginning to believe that.

Ok, so I decided not to write personalized individual responses because, when it all boils down to it, they'll all say the same thing. They would all say just how sorry I am for the delay and that I wish I did it sooner, but I appreciate the words of encouragement (from some of you) and I hear the urging from the rest. I'll continue to try and do better with that, but I can't make promises of when.

You are all awesome. Thank you for sticking by this story. We'll get there.

Story is almost finished… We're almost there… Hang in there a little longer if you want to see it through with me. I'm not giving up, as slow as I may be and as unpredictable as my updating has become, this will be finished. That is a promise.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…