I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.
So I'm not dead. So, so sorry for the delay. You are all probably used to it by now. Can't say I'm proud of that. But here it is.
Someone suggested to me I share my twitter handle so that so you can follow me or hound me about updates when I take forever (I prefer a gentle reminder that I'm taking too long. It works better. You catch more flies with honey) So, if you'd like to, you'll find me as MDwrites19 If you're as curious as I tend to be about the face behind the words, that's where you'll find me.
I've decided to finish the story and then go back and edit the last few chapters that way I can update as often as I can and worry about the errors later. If I have time, I'll go through them earlier, but I rather work on new chapters than worry about all the mistakes. So, just ignore them please.
Chapter 42: Seeing it Through
Casey was determined to get Rachel out of the house. She hadn't spoken to her friends. She hadn't gone shopping or so much as stepped foot outside for some fresh air. She was isolating herself and Casey wanted to change that. "Rachel?"
"Yes?"
"You told me you wanted to talk. I thought we could spend the day together. Just the two of us while your mom's at work. Then she has her therapy session. So we have all day."
"Where's Beth?"
"With the sitter."
"I'm… I'm not sure I'm ready to talk." Or face the public. That definitely terrified her too.
"That's alright. We can just have a girls' day. We can do some shopping, get mani-pedis and just have fun."
"I… I suppose I can spare a few hours."
"That a girl!" Casey smiled in success. "Go grab a coat."
She couldn't understand why she was so nervous about leaving the house. It wasn't like she was agoraphobic before. She had no idea why that changed. No one she knew would be around. There was school. Her scars were hidden. Just looking at her, no one could see the troubling past behind the shiny exterior. So why was she so terrified?
Why did stepping out into the world feel like such torture? She was really regretting agreeing to go out, even more so, regretting agreeing to talk. What had she gotten herself into?
"Rachel! Are you ready?"
"I guess…"
"You guess?"
"I mean… Do you really want to go out? We can stay in and… and watch movies. I just ordered the new Les Miserables! We could watch that."
Casey, with her face suddenly in a grimace, walked into the room and sat on the bed across the room from where Rachel stood. "Rachel, sweetie, is there a reason you don't want to go out?"
"What? No… no reason." Not really… But kind of…
"You haven't wanted to go out at all since you came home."
"That's not true." Rachel was quick to defend. Maybe she just had no where she needed to go.
"Honey… You offered to stay home and organize the pantry instead of going shopping…"
"Organizing is relaxing to me… and I didn't need anything from the store."
"The whole purpose of shopping was to get you some new clothes for school."
"Well, there was nothing wrong with my old clothes and… The pantry needed some alphabetizing." She reasoned.
"No pantry needs alphabetizing Rachel."
"Fine, but I've left the house."
"Yeah, to go to therapy and doctors' appointments, but never anywhere else."
"That's not true."
"Are we going to do this again?" Rachel sighed and shook her head. "You've only been home a week. It's ok to just want to be home… But it feels like there's more going on than you're sharing. You haven't talked to us or, really, any of your friends either… It's not good to be so in your head anymore. Nobody thinks differently of you. We all just want you to lean on us if you need to and just be… normal." She corrected herself. "No, to just be you. Because we love you."
"I know…"
"So you'll come out with me?"
"Casey… I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice."
"You always have a choice… But yeah, no you are coming no matter what."
"Great…"
"So, ready?"
"I guess so."
"I'll meet you in the car. Don't take too long."
Casey was worried about her niece. The teen had made great strides, but she also seemed stuck. For all the opening up the girl attempted to do, she was still so withdrawn. The confessions and talks of feelings were mostly superficial. Buried in her mind was everything that needed to be discussed that she'd only talk about with herself. It was her mission to help her open up more. Rachel made the step by telling her she needed to talk, so Casey was going to make sure she did.
"Rachel!" She called after getting tired of waiting. "Car, now!"
"Coming." Reluctantly, she was going…
The brooding teen was quiet the whole drive. Like most of their car rides, she seemed lost in thought. Casey didn't know how to coax her out of it, but that didn't stop her from trying. "So, where to first?"
"Wherever." Attempt one, a fail…
"Mall it is."
"Ok."
Sigh… Rachel wouldn't even look in her direction. Almost as soon as she stepped out of the house, Rachel lost all that confidence and jubilee that she gained back. Casey couldn't explain it, but it was like instant regression and she could read the anxiety all over the girl. Pulling into the parking garage, she reached out to put her hand on Rachel's. Giving it a squeeze, she asked, "You alright?"
"Peachy."
Well, the shopping appeared to be looking like one hell of a time… Casey thought sarcastically. What happened to the girl that, though still a bit timid, was more of the real driven happy self she once was? "Where to first?"
"You should choose. I have nowhere in particular I want to go."
"Ok. I was thinking we can go to the shoe store first." Because that would probably be easier considering that size didn't fluctuate with weight and when picking out clothes, well Rachel would possibly be hit more fully with the reality that she had gained weight and was bigger, healthier. There was no telling how she'd react to it. Casey knew she knew. But it was one thing to know and another to really know. "Then we can pick up some supplies and clothes."
"Sounds fine to me."
"Good."'
They weren't very talkative, at least not about anything of substance, but they seemed to get a lot done. They discussed style and shoes much like girls do, bought a few new pairs, and moved on to the next store. Rachel picked out a new back pack and all the color coordinated supplies a neat freak would need before Casey suggested they get some food. "So, I don't know about you, but I'm famished. Want to grab lunch?"
Rachel stilled. She wasn't hungry, not even a little. And, in all honesty, she knew she wasn't sure if the non-hunger was more mental or physical. "Can we finish shopping first?" She suggested. Maybe that would give her some time to figure it out. "I rather try on clothes now and eat after." She was already back to semi lying. But that was normal. Wasn't it? Every teenager did that. No harm…
"We can do that Rachel, but we do have to eat."
"I know!" She said too harshly. "I'm sorry. It's just… I know alright. I just want to finish shopping first.
"Ok, let's finish shopping. Then we can go to a restaurant and talk."
"Sure… yeah… good…"
"Way to sound so thrilled."
"I'm sorry. I really am having a good time with you."
"Me too Rach."
The aunt was right to question Rachel's ability to handle her body's changes. The girl was clearly aware of it before, but Casey saw the way she just looked at the tags with eyes that could only be described as broken. And, in Rachel's mind, she even felt that way. The logic and reason she knew were in conflict with the emotions she was feeling. Rachel knew that she needed the weight, she needed to be healthy, and with that came being in a bigger, more appropriate (one that exists without special tailoring or at least in adult) size. Bu, even knowing that, even knowing that her new size was still smaller than she was before it all began, and even knowing that it was an inevitability didn't pacify the thoughts.
She didn't want to gain weight. She didn't want to be bigger. She didn't want any of it. But she needed it. She needed to be healthy. She needed to stop seeing every pound as her getting fat and being a failure and start seeing it as a stride toward health and happiness. If only her brain could reconcile the logic with the illogical. Life would be easier then.
Noticing Casey watching her a little too intently for her liking, Rachel tried to quell her anxieties and just pick out a few things. When a skirt that would've, only a few weeks prior, hung loose on her frame, then felt a little snug, she nearly had a panic attack. It happened before her first days home. Most of the clothes they bought her upon her homecoming had tags cut off and gave no way of knowing the sizes, but when she found and old pair of pajamas that she knew used to slide right off and tried them on, the tightness of them practically sent her to the bathroom looking to relapse. But she didn't… She wouldn't let this time be any different.
So, she forced herself to play along. Eventually, she knew, the anxieties would ease and, as long as she kept breathing and utilize all she learned, she'd be just fine. But she didn't want to test that theory and tried to pick up all she needed as quickly as she could. The longer she was exposed to her stressors, the more dangerous they became. She wasn't quite desensitized yet. She was working on it.
"I'm ready to go now." Casey wanted them to shop more. She would need more clothes and the few outfits they picked out wouldn't suffice. But she didn't want to push. The look in her niece's eyes told her she needed to go, that, as much as she was trying to control the thoughts, it was getting too much. So, she wasn't going to make it worse.
"Ok. I'll go pay. Why don't you meet outside?"
"You don't want me to wait?"
"No need for us both to suffer through this line. Just don't go too far alright?"
"Ok."
Rachel quickly left the store and loitered about the entrance. There was nowhere in the immediate vicinity she really wanted to go. There was another little boutique there and a sports store there, but nothing that drew her in. She was just about to head over to sit on the benches when she heard a set of voices she was hoping to avoid. As they got closer, she found herself hiding, ducking into the nearby archway behind some fake tree.
"Did you see her? She was such a mess."
"I don't know. She wasn't so bad."
"Come on, we'll never win with her on the team. I don't know why she stays. Sue would kick any one of us off for that, but not her."
"Lord Tubbington says that Carla has magic powers. That's why she gets to stay on the team."
"Sure B, that's why."
"Walk faster Santana. We need to get everything before the end of the school day. If I'm not home on time my parent's will kill me."
"I'm not the one yacking up a storm."
"Whatever, let's stop in there."
Rachel wondered what they were doing there. They were supposed to be in school. Avoiding them was top on her priorities list. She managed to convince Shelby not to tell anyone she was coming home. They knew she was supposed to, but she told them she was spending some of her home acclimating time with her grandparents. She just didn't know what to say to them and it was too hard to imagine how she could apologize to them. They didn't have to forgive her for the trouble and hurt, especially not Noah. But she did miss them, especially him. It took a while before she was ready to face her family, and most days she wasn't sure she was ever ready for that. But she didn't have a choice when it came to them. With her friends, she did. And she wasn't ready.
"What are you doing?"
Startled, Rachel jumped, her hand going to her heart. "You scared me!"
"Sorry, but what are you doing?" Casey asked curiously.
"Nothing." She straightened herself out.
"Are you hiding?"
"What? No?"
"Is that a question?"
"No… no I wasn't hiding. Just… Checking out the view. Look, there's a glass ceiling."
"Nice." She said skeptically. "Come on, I'm hungry."
She took the girl's hand and guided her toward a nearby restaurant. "Here looks good. What do you say?"
"If it looks good to you, I'm ok with it." She didn't really care where they went to eat. She still wasn't hungry. The thought of eating made her stomach turn, but she'd do it and shed have that talk with her aunt that she needed to have too. The day was feeling long already…
They were seated in a booth by the window and began to peruse the menu. Rachel desperately tried not to, but everything she looked at automatically became translated into calories, carbs, and fat content. She had to shake it off. "What can I get you?"
"I'll have the chicken Panini and the soup of the day. Can I get some more coffee too please?" The waiter nodded and looked to Rachel. "Hon, what do you want?" Rachel didn't answer. "Rachel?"
"Oh… uh… I'll have the vegetable wrap and salad. Thank you." She handed him her menu and looked to her aunt. That wasn't exactly the meal she was hoping her niece would order, but there was struggle behind those eyes. It was balanced enough and she was sure to make sure Rachel had a hearty snack when they returned home. Until then, she just wanted to enjoy their time together.
"So… how was our week?"
"Casey, I've seen you almost every day. You know how my week was."
"You're right… You ready to go back to school?"
"Yeah… Ready." More like petrified.
The waiter interrupted as he returned with their food and refills on their drinks. Conversation seemed to cease for a while. Rachel began to play with her food, taking the occasional small bite as Casey watched on. She needed to distract the girl. That always seemed to help during meal time. If she was kept engaged and her mind off of the act of eating, she tended to mindlessly eat. Well, not quite mindlessly, but a whole lot less restrictively. "Do you miss it Rachel?" She started. Casey didn't say anything right away, but she caught Rachel, on several occasions, staring at the dance gear. Her eyes gazed just a little too long at the specialty store's window display. And it got her thinking.
"What's that?"
"I noticed today, that you kept looking at the dance stuff. Do you miss it?"
"More than you know."
"I was thinking that I could talk to your mom. Maybe we can start you back in your classes again." As much as she wanted that, she didn't at the same time… She'd have to face a whole group of people who, undoubtedly, had a lot of questions.
"I don't think she'll go for that."
"But is it something you want? I know you've been doing light yoga and meditating, but if dancing is something you want, we can try to find a way to make that happen."
"Of course it's something I want. My whole life has been about dancing and singing. I don't know if I still have the same dreams, but I still have the same passions. I want to dance, but I don't know that I can."
"Because of all that happened?"
"Because there's no way Shelby will agree. And… I don't know. Maybe I wasn't that good to begin with and that was part of the reason I had to push myself so hard." She wanted to be back on the dance floor more than she thought possible, but she knew the pressures there. She knew what she'd want to do and she couldn't hurt her family anymore. She didn't want to give on dance. She wanted to jump right back in and pretend none of this ever happened. But, at the same time, she was terrified to face everyone and wasn't sure shed be welcomed back.
"That's not true at all. You are still so hard on yourself. You have so much talent inside of you. Don't doubt yourself and don't give up on what you love."
"I'm not giving up. I'm just not sure what I love anymore. But… I would like to get back into dance."
"Well, then, we'll just have to talk to your mother about that."
"Do I have to be there when we do?"
"We'll see." She joked.
They continued some idle chat while they ate. Casey was right. Keeping her talking took some of the pressure off of eating and Rachel started taking normal bites. They were still few and slow, but they were bigger and that was something. They were still working on her habits. Dr. Becks told them it wouldn't just go away. Every day of her life would be a battle, but one she could win with support and love and the strength they all knew she had.
Right then, she was winning whether she viewed it as that or not.
"Rachel?"
"Yeah Casey?"
"You said there was something you wanted to talk to me about… It's been almost a week and you still haven't done it."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I just want to be here for you. It seemed pretty important."
"Yeah… I suppose it was…"
"Do you want to talk about it now?"
No, she didn't. She could already feel the pressure of tears building in her eyes. "I… My therapist says I need to open up more…"
"We always want to listen to what you have to say… Even if it's hard, we're here."
"I… I know… You've been here for me from the beginning. I just… It's hard."
"I know. Being honest, opening up… It's not easy for me either. But it's not something that can be avoided either."
"I know… I… well you see…" Why couldn't she even find the words to just get started? "I was…"
"Berry?!"
"Oh no…" Rachel nearly whispered as her head bowed down. Why were they there? Why?
"Berry is that you?" They were coming closer as Casey watched with concern.
"Rachel? Are you ok?"
No. "Fine."
"Do you want me to send them away?" Casey offered in a whisper as the girls continued to approach.
"It's… It's fine."
"Berry? I… I didn't know you were home…"
"Hello Santana." The Latina couldn't even look her in the eyes… "Hi Britany. Quinn."
"Hi Rachel!" Britany said with an unexpected hug.
"When… When did you get back?" Santana seemed as nervous as she was. She had to wonder what they all knew. Clearly Puck, Santana, and Kurt knew most of what there was to know about her situation, but what about everyone else? Did they gossip? Did they tell everyone? Did she have any secrets?
What are you guys doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?"
"Shouldn't you?" Quinn snapped. The blonde didn't like how concerned Santana was. She understood, but Rachel seemed to maneuver her way into her friends' lives and she was a little jealous of that. "Sorry." She apologized when she saw Casey. "We uh… we're playing hooky. Please don't tell." She pleaded with the older woman.
"Relax. My lips are sealed. I was a kid once."
"We're not kids."
She put her hands up in mock surrender. "Ok." Rachel looked squirmy, like she was itching for an out, and just as she was about to give her one, one of the girls spoke.
"I missed you Rachel! Why aren't you at school? Is it because you're sick?" Britany asked innocently. "Because you don't look all that sick. You should come back."
"Uh… I…"
"Yeah?" Quinn squinted with a narrow gaze. She may have had a pretty good idea about where the girl was and the rumor mill was certainly ripe with ideas, but no one ever said for sure where she was and what happened. All Quinn really knew was that Rachel wasn't ok before, but she was looking better now. "Where were you exactly? No one would tell us anything. They just said you were sick and would be back when you could."
"Right… I was."
"So where were you?"
"I… I…"
"She was staying with her grandparents while she recuperated." Casey answered for her.
"I didn't know you were back." Santana repeated again. Though she didn't look into the smaller girl's eyes, she also couldn't stop staring.
"I just got back." She responded.
"Oh." All Santana could think about as she looked to her and listened to her speak was the letter she received. Damn Rachel for making her feel any kind of way. But she did. Like with all the final words she left, the letter stuck with her.
Santana,
I'm hoping you actually take the time to read this. Not sure you will though. I'm thinking you might just tear it up and use it as confetti. Who knows? You could be thrilled I'm gone… But, if you are reading this, there's something I need you to do.
Truth is, as mean as you are to me, I know you have a good heart underneath all that ice. Thaw it out a little. I know you're the only one for the job.
You owe me this. For the hell you put me through. So please, just do what I asked.
Thanks. I think… I think we could've been good friends if we gave it half a chance.
Rachel
Why Rachel left that for her was really beyond her. She figured it was payback, a way to make her feel as bad as she did every time Santana bullied her. That was her guess; the only thing she could rationalize. Because it did hurt. It hurt her to know that she was part of what drove her to that moment. It hurt to know that she missed the signs. She missed Rachel practically telling her that she was going to off herself when they were on that train.
But there she was, a live and looking well, and it still hurt.
"How are you?"
"I… I'm good thanks." It was awkward. No one knew what to say. Santana and Quinn, even Casey, kept looking from Rachel to her plate like she was… she didn't even know what it was like, just that she didn't like it.
"Are you coming back to school?"
"Yeah… soon."
"Cool."
"Yeah…"
"Come on Santana. We have to go." Quinn impatiently urged. "Bye!" She said and tried to pull Santana away. But she stopped Quinn and walked up to Rachel. Leaning down, she quietly said, "We need to talk." Her hand went to Rachel's shoulder. "He misses you. We all do." And after that, she left.
"That was…"
"Awkward." Rachel finished for Casey. "Can we go home?"
She wanted to say yes, but… "You're not done with your food."
"We can take it to go… Please? I can't be here."
Watching her rock in her seat, her hand gripped painfully tight around her wrist, Casey had no choice but to comply. She looked like she was about to implode. "Ok Rachel. Just breathe."
"I am breathing!" And she wanted to cry. The way they looked at her… It was… She wasn't ready for any of this.
"You need to calm down. You're ok." But she wasn't. Not in her head she wasn't.
"I need to get out of here." So many thoughts and so much anxiety. It was overwhelming her. She needed to see them on her own terms and their surprise run in was certainly not part of the plans for the day.
Casey held out a hand and pulled Rachel up and to her, wrapping her in a hug. "Let's pay and we'll be out of here."
"Fine."
Rachel spent the eternity that was the five minute wait just thinking and fidgeting. It shouldn't have bothered her nearly as much as it did. They didn't say anything particularly triggering. It was more the act of facing them when she spent the whole day in a state of discomfort; a day spent in her head preparing to talk to Casey. And then she remembered she still had to do that and all her old habits were looking more and more appealing.
The day sucked, but she had to see it through. That was what she and her therapist had been working on that week. She needed to let people in and talk about the hard stuff. "They can't help you if they don't know what the problem is." The doctor said. And she wasn't letting up.
Casey was happy to get them out of there. She didn't know what it was that set her off, but her niece looked like she was one insufficient breathe away from a panic attack. She was due for some of her anxiety meds. "Your mom should be home soon." She attempted conversation on the ride. Unfortunately, it just made her antsier. "Rachel, what's going on? Talk to me. Did that girl say something to you? Did something happen while I was in the store paying? Is it… is it the food?"
"No… No it's… Can we go to your house?
"You have to tell me what's going on Hon… I know today wasn't easy for you…"
"How would you know that?!" She was angry and upset and she couldn't really pinpoint why which only fueled the fire. It was easy to do that these days. "How could you possibly know what's in my head when I don't even know?!"
Well, at least they were getting somewhere… "You're right." She tried to be the calm to Rachel's storm. They were waiting for the first blowout. Casey was thinking maybe it was time. And, honestly, she was grateful it was happening with her there instead of Shelby. She loved her sister and she knew the younger Corcoran could handle it, but she was also as emotionally charged as Rachel was. And it wasn't that Casey herself wasn't, just that she knew how to restrain it a lot better than her sister. She could see the buildup in her niece. There was a lot she had been holding back and she wanted to let some of it out in one way or another. In part, it was going to happen that night, they just didn't know it yet.
"I know I'm right! On any given day, I can't tell one thought from the net. I can't figure out if what I'm feeling is real or not. But I do know it all feels terrible. I wake up and sometimes I feel like things are better. And they are… but then it just gets hard. Then I start to feel and no amount of medicine can make that better. I'm numb and I'm so full of everything all the time that I just… I don't want to keep hating myself Casey." She cried. "I don't want to keep hating myself… But… sometimes… I think that's what I deserve."
"Rachel." She pulled over to offer comfort. "You don't deserve this."
"I do. I deserve this. I deserve to feel this way and to live… to live this in between state of perpetual nothing where unhappy is always tangible but happiness seems so far away."
"No… You don't. You deserve to be happy and healthy Rachel."
"You don't know…"
"I do. I know."
"No… you don't know what I've done… All the things I did wrong." She shook her head repeatedly while continually saying, "You don't know. You don't know."
"Look at me. Please Rachel." She wasn't budging. "Please look at me. Honey, no matter what you think you've done. You don't need to punish yourself for it. Stop judging yourself. Stop hurting yourself. You deserve better."
"No… I don't. I'm a terrible person. You don't know. You can say that now, but you don't know."
"Then tell me Rachel. Tell me what I don't know."
"I don't want to… I can't… I just can't." Through the tears and hysterics, Casey was able to hear what she said. Her attempts to keep her calm were all fails. All she could do was aid Rachel though her breathing techniques and be there for her. So, that was what she did. She managed to get Rachel to relax enough until thy pulled up in front of Shelby's house instead of hers. "Wha-what are we doing here?" She hiccupped. "I don't want to be here. We were supposed to go to your house."
"And we are. I promise. No one's home yet. I need to grab your meds while you grab some clothes, ok? Do that and then we're out of there."
"Promise?"
"I do. I promise."
The girl reverted back into herself, but she did as she was asked. As Casey went into the locked medicine cabinet, she ran to her room to grab what she needed as quickly as possible. But something slowed her down. There was something she had been putting off that the day reminded her she needed to face. And maybe she wasn't ready, but soon she'd have to be. And, ready or not, life didn't happen on her time schedule. So she grabbed the small package from the bag she never fully unpacked and slipped it in with her clothes.
She was out by the car waiting in no time and Casey wasn't slowing her down either. But she was, once again, quiet. Casey knew she was still in the adjustment phase. Life in rehab was a lot more guarded and safe than the real world. They couldn't control everything out there and Rachel was bound to run into triggers and issues. So, the emotional up and down she was on was excited, but that didn't make it any easier to witness. The pain her niece was in was still so obvious to her and it pained her that she couldn't do much to take it away.
But she was determined, still, to do all she could even if that meant only listening or telling her a million times that she deserves to be happy and healthy and loved. All of that was true, and, she knew on some level that Rachel knew that too. Knowing, however, and believing were two separate things and she needed to make them both connect in her niece.
"We're here."
"I can see that." She snapped. "Sorry. I guess… I'm on edge."
"Come on. Let's go inside and you can tell me why."
"I…" She couldn't say no. Casey was giving her that, 'I'm not asking, I'm telling you' look. "Yeah, ok."
It took some doing, but Casey finagled Rachel inside and set her up with a snack and some of her meds. She knew that would help. The anxiety meds were, though not something to be relied upon, something they were grateful for and definitely necessary for the transition stage. They talked to Dr. Becks and the new therapist about it. After a few months, if she was still doing well, they'd start to taper her off the medications and see how she faired. As much as they wanted that and wanted her not to rely on the meds, they knew how much they helped her too.
They were sitting silently at the island, sipping tea and, not so much eating as staring at the snack. "Please eat Rachel."
"Casey…"
"Come on Rachel. I don't want to make this a fight, but you need to eat."
"Casey I…"
"Please."
"I'm trying to say I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For… for being such a mess all the time."
"You know Rachel… I don't see you as a mess. You're struggling, but we all do at some point in some way. We all have moments where it feels like the world is ending and everything is falling apart. But we get through them, just like you did and continue to do."
"I just… I don't understand why it's me."
"Why what's you?"
"Why I'm so messed up all the time or why I feel like the world's about to end at least once every day. And it's my fault. Why do I keep doing stupid things? Why am I so stupid?"
"Don't call yourself stupid Rachel." She demanded. You're not stupid. You are amazing."
"I don't feel amazing."
"But you are."
"Why do I feel like this? Why do things keep happening? What do I keep doing wrong?"
"You're not doing anything. Things… things just happen sometimes."
"Not like this… Not over and over, one thing after another. I had to have done something to deserve this."
"You didn't honey." Casey pulled her into a hug, one Rachel fell into, glad for the embrace. "You didn't do anything."
"Then why? First my mom wanted nothing to do with me… then dads stopped loving me… they stopped showing up for recitals, stopped caring about competitions, missed birthdays… then they just stopped coming home all together." She admitted. "Then my mom comes back into my life only to tell me we should appreciate each other from afar. I wasn't what she wanted and she went and got a newer, better, more loveable version to care for. And then she comes back… and flips my life… and my dads die and I'm forced to live with her and… and then the baby happened and… and…"
Casey's eyes opened wide. She may have had her ideas and theories, but Rachel never once actually mentioned a baby. "Baby?" Rachel pulled away when she heard that. She hadn't meant to say it aloud then, but she did. And with tears in her eyes, looking to her aunt, she was about to speak when a new voice entered.
"Honey, I'm home." Unsuspecting Rachel realized it was Mark. They didn't hear the front door open, and both were too focused on each other to respond. "Case? Babe? I saw your car in the driveway. You home?" He went through his routine, put his suit jacket and briefcase on the rack before loosening his tie and walking to the kitchen for a glass of water. "Casey?" He tried calling again. "If I find you with a mouthful of that mousse again, I'm going to be mad if you didn't save me so-oh…" he noticed the room's heavy atmosphere. "Am I interrupting something?"
"No." Rachel answered quickly wiping away her tears. "You're not."
He looked to Casey for confirmation that he wasn't, but she still had a flabbergasted look on her face. "Ok, well… What's this?" He walked over to them pointing to the snack on the table. "What kind of crap is your aunt feeding you? No wonder it's untouched. How about I conjure us up some real food? Some crepes with tomato, spinach, and broccoli sound good?"
"Sure." Rachel said knowing they were going to force her to eat anyway, it might as well taste better than the prepackaged crap she was going to have. I'm going to run to the bathroom and wash my hands so I can help. Be right back." She tried to hurry off.
"Rachel." Casey stopped her.
"I know. The door stays open."
"Ok. Go."
With her out of the room, Mark greeted with wife properly with a kiss and a hug. "What was that about? Something happen?"
"No… Yeah… It's been an interesting day. And that girl and I are going to have a long talk later."
"Uh oh… Someone's in trouble."
"No… I just… You know she has been through a lot… But you don't really know until she lays it all on the table for you."
"Did she say something?"
"Yeah… It's… I think I knew. Or, I thought I did. But I don't…"
"You're speaking in riddles now Case."
"I know." She sighed. "She has just been so hurt and… I didn't want to be right about this. I think I am… I don't know. She's just a kid Mark. She should be doing kid things, not hurting herself and hating the life she lives, always looking down on herself."
"That's true Casey. She should be carefree and happy. I can't imagine how much more of an amazing kid she'd be if she was happy with herself, but I do hope we find out soon."
"Me too."
"You should go check on her. I know you want to and it's fully quiet in there."
"I'm going to give her a minute. She's tired of crying in front of us. I try to tell her it doesn't, but I know it makes her feel weak."
"Oh," He quirked his eyebrows, "So I have my wife all to myself for a few minutes? Alone time's so hard to come by these days. You're such a hot commodity."
"I was always a hot commodity."
"I don't disagree."
"I'm sorry I've been so absent."
"I was just teasing Casey. This is perfect. I can't get sick of you if I only see you every so often." He joked.
She playfully swatted him. "Stop it."
"You know I'd keep you by my side 24/7 if I could."
"Me too."
"You should go. I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you. Go make sure she's ok."
"I'm ok." Rachel interrupted. "No need to worry about me."
"Well alright then. How about a cooking lesson Rachel?"
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. You should take advantage of that. Mark's a master chef."
"Are you going to cook too?"
"We can make it a threesome. Right Mark?"
"Alright, if we must." He smiled at Rachel. "You get to lead the brigade young lady. Use the power wisely. We'll be your sous chefs today."
"Casey?"
"Yeah?"
"I think he lost it."
"I don't think he ever had it."
"Now, now. No teasing. You'll break my old man heart. It's fragile you know."
The afternoon went much like that. It went from heavy to lighthearted and fun just like that. Of course, that wasn't the end of the emotional parts, but it was a nice reprieve. The three worked together to create meal, Rachel asking all kinds of cooking questions and soaking up all the information she could, and Mark happy to have someone who wanted to know about his hobby. He liked to consider himself a talented enthusiast in the kitchen. And it was nice to have a new pupil to teach.
Casey really just loved watching them interact. It brought out a side of Rachel and her husband that she didn't see all too often. There weren't many stable adult males in Rachel's life so it was all new to her. Her fathers weren't there as much in the later years where things like this took place. That's what it could've been like. And she knew that. With Mark, it was like seeing him as this overprotective big bear of a dad. They had a son. Raising a boy was so different than raising a girl and it showed in the moments they were together. It made Casey a little sad that they never had that second child, but it also made her happy that Rachel could give him that experience. They could give it to each other. It was amazing to witness.
Her phone rang pulling her out of her stalkerish observing. "It's Shelby." She told them. "I'm going to talk to her in the other room. Finish up without me." She said and excused herself.
"I think she just wanted an excuse to me lazy." Mark teased making Rachel laugh. Rachel found cooking fun. It was never really a chore when she had to cook for herself growing up, but it wasn't a fun activity either. It was a necessity until it became her excuse to not eat. But doing it with her family, learning about the foods, it helped in a way. It's like a song you created. The artistry must flow and, when one right, can create a beautiful ending. But it was the effort Mark was putting into her, the time he was giving her, and the sheer caring feel he gave off that made her question so many things.
"Is this what it was like for Danny growing up?" It seemed like a random question to ask. And, to the population outside her head, it was. But she needed to know.
"What do you mean?" The question caught him off guard.
"It's so… normal… and loving… I… I almost don't remember what that's really like."
"I'm sorry to hear that. You'd really need to ask him but, yeah, I'd say this was what it was like for Danny. We tried to do this every so often. We'd just cook together be together. And I really am sorry if it wasn't like that for you growing up. But you see… Casey and I… we're as boring and painfully normal as they come. And if you ever need to be reminded, our doors are always open to you. You are always welcome here."
"Why?"
"Why? Why what?" He didn't understand what she was asking. He honestly didn't think what he said left room for question.
"Why do you try so hard with me? Why are you so normal with me after everything? And how can you welcome me when all I do is keep your wife away from you?"
"Trust me, you're doing me a favor. That aunt of yours is a handful."
"I'm being serious Mark."
"Me too Rachel." He made sure he had her attention and said, "Here's the deal. I like you. You're my family. Maybe you've never really had the ideal family, but what they do is stick by the ones they love. It might take some getting used to, but there is no reason. No real one at least. Why am I normal with you? How else would I be? I don't see any reason not to be. Do you?"
"I could think of a few."
"Don't think then. There's nothing wrong with who you are and there's no reason for me to treat you like there is. Fact of the matter is, you're stuck with us kid. Treating you any different would serve no purpose. You've had it rough, and I know what that's like. You can count on me kid. Anytime. Just like you can count on Casey."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." He nudged her playfully and instructed her to pour the batter into the pan. "So, I'd really like to have that day out I was promised."
"Me too."
"Any ideas?"
"Well, I've had a lot of fun cooking with you… Maybe we can do this again?"
"You had fun?" She nodded. "I've got a better idea. There's a community center one town over that has nutritional cooking lessons. I was planning to try to get your aunt to go with me, but she'd rather eat what I make than help me make it." That wasn't completely true, but he was trying to sell his case. He was a part of the family unit they were creating for her and he discussed it with them. He wanted her to be able to trust him and count on him. Spending time with him would make that happen. "And I like it that way. I like cooking for her and with her, but I like cooking with you too. Why don't we take that together?"
"You'd… You'd want to do that with me?"
"There's no one else I'd want to do it with."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
"Then… yeah… I think I'd like that."
"Me too." She stopped what she was doing and hugged him. They've had their moments, but this particular one was very important to their relationship. He was always in the circle. All the family was, but he was also on the outside looking in. It felt like he was actually part of the healing process in that moment.
"Go set the table please. I'll keep an eye out on the food."
"Alright."
Unbeknownst to them, Casey witnessed the whole thing and it warmed her heart to no end. She married a great man and she was so happy Rachel was experiencing some form of what normal and happy looked like. The fact that they were boding more meant so much to her when she felt like she'd been so far away from him lately. Their lives were so full of drama that the scene was so surreal. But it was perfect.
Casey walked in as Rachel walked out and moved right to her husband. "You're amazing." She told him.
"I know. But why am I amazing this time?"
"You just are."
Dinner was uneventful, in the best way possible. Rachel was proud of the dish they created. And yes, the issues were still there. And she felt guilty for eating, like she needed to go running to burn it off or punish herself in some way. But being with them reminded her that she couldn't. And she didn't need to. That wasn't a feeling she felt very often, so she was going to hold onto it.
She still didn't eat all of it. But a step was taken. She did well that day. For that, they were all proud. All the talking was pretty distracting too. Rachel realized that's what they were trying to do. People tended to get really chatty or really awkward around mealtime with her, but they just tried to keep it easy and normal.
It was a change. It was nice. It still wasn't a cure all. The thoughts were still racing, but they were helping her through. She did ask to go to the bathroom after though. Of course, they politely told her they didn't want her to for reasons she knew. And, if she were truly being honest, she knew they were right. If she did, she would've talked herself into purging. It was still a natural reaction for her, but she would've tried to combat her thoughts like she'd been doing.
They didn't want her to have to try to talk herself out of anything. It was a hard day even though it had some good moments too. And Casey and Rachel knew she wanted her old release. She craved it. But she couldn't give into it. So she stayed with them. They all did dishes together and cleaned up.
It was all so mundane yet so powerful. She wasn't sure why it was helping.
Later that night, Casey sent Rachel to go get ready for bed while she and Mark did the same. As she was changing, she saw Mark looking at her through the mirror, adoration and love written all over his face. "Did I ever say thank you?" She asked.
"For what?"
"For loving me… for being such a great uncle to her… treating her like she's your own daughter. You're so good to her and to me."
"As far as I'm concerned Casey, she's your family and that makes her mine. I love that kid too. From what I gather, she needs a man in her life that isn't going to leave her or push her, but just be there. Besides, you know I always wanted a daughter."
"I do know that." She kissed him. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you that."
"Never be sorry for nature. We didn't get our daughter and I'm sad about that. I know you are too. That was a painful time for us. I will always be sad about what happened, but I see now that maybe we were meant to focus on Daniel and learn how to be parents so we could handle Rachel's situation. You're the best mom I know. We may not have our own biological daughter, but we have a daughter in Rachel. We're like a herd of elephants. We raise all the kids together. And I wouldn't change that. I couldn't love any daughter of ours more than I already love Rachel." He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. With a gentle laugh, he locked eyes with her in the mirror and said, "Besides, have you seen that girl. She looks just like you. Acts like you too. I heard the stories of your youth. Tell me you didn't see any girl we could've had being just like her." Hopefully healthier, but personality wise.
"Hopefully, we would've treated her better than she has been treated."
"No doubt. She would've been our little princess."
"A daddy's girl huh?"
"You bet your ass. No guys would go anywhere near my baby."
"Boys…" It reminded her of the conversation she had to have with her niece. "I… I really need to talk to her. She said something earlier that… So much has happened Mark. Not only has she been through so much with the eating disorder and Shelby, but there's still so much we don't even know about. Thing that a little girl like her shouldn't have to go through."
"She's tough Case. You and Shelby have taught her that. Yes, she's been through more than anyone should, she's made some bad choices, had some bad choices made for her. But she survived. She's still fighting. And, don't tell your sister, but I think she gets that from you. All of her relationships are so complicated because of the way things went down with Shelby. She wronged that girl and it left its scars. You kind of took on the mother role because you were the clean slate. You knew how to be with her and treat her and it was easier for her with you. Shelby hurt her and it made forging a relationship hard. Many things led Rachel doubt people. But me and you, we'll make sure she knows she will always have us. No matter what, we're here to catch her when she falls. Sometimes, we'll even catch her before the fall, and there will be times when we're going to need to let her go down because that's how kids grow and learn. But she'll know that we all love her and care about her no matter what. Unconditionally."
"I love you so much Mark. And I love that you love her and want to be there for her too."
"I love you too Casey. I will be here for you and our family from now 'til the end of time."
"Promise?"
"Just try and get rid of me, I'm not going anywhere."
"You better not. I'll have to hurt you."
"You couldn't hurt a fly."
"I couldn't hurt you."
"No, you couldn't hurt anyone. Now," he gave her one last kiss. "Go take care of her. And, since I have a feeling I'm going to be falling asleep in an empty bed, I'm going to say goodnight now."
"Thank you for being so understanding. I know I've been spending a lot of time with her and my sister…"
"It's for a good reason. And I'm a good sharer. I love seeing you be a mother figure to that girl just like I love seeing you with our son. And I wouldn't change where we are for anything. Despite all the bad, Rachel brought this family closer. I wouldn't wish her struggles on anyone, but she made this entire group of crazies band together into one supportive unit. It takes one hell of a person to do that. Make sure she knows that."
"I will."
"Good. Now go. I need my cake and crime drama end of the night wind down and some beauty sleep." He winked at her. "I'll cook us all a nice breakfast in the morning."
With a smile on her face, she left him there and went to Rachel. She had to mentally prepare herself. She knew there was something Rachel needed to talk to her about and now she had something she needed to address. Whether or not the two topics were one in the same had yet to be seen. But, she had to go in there with an open mind and a control on her emotions. She didn't want to push Rachel or upset her further, but this was a conversation they needed to have and it was better they had it there without Shelby present.
"Knock, knock." Casey said as she stood in the opened doorway.
"Hi Casey."
"Can I come in?"
"It's your house. I can't really say no."
"You can, but I'd hope you wouldn't."
"Come in Casey." She knew what was coming. She'd been avoiding it, even avoiding spending alone time with her in hopes Casey wouldn't bring it up in front of Mark. It worked, but, again, it was just putting off the inevitable. She needed to talk about it anyway. That was her assignment. And it was overdue.
"Thanks." She sat on the bed next to Rachel as Rachel placed the book she was reading on the nightstand. "What are you reading?"
"Just some book I need to fish for class."
"Are you almost caught up?"
"All my work that's due when I come back is done."
"Wow, that was done fast."
"I know." She needed to keep busy.
"Well, now you can just relax until you go back."
"Yeah." Relax. Sure.
"You comfortable?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Good."
They settled into a passive silence. Both had things on their mind and a hesitancy to approach it. Ignoring it, though, wouldn't make it go away. Still, it was a sensitive topic and it had to be broached correctly in the best way possible. Sitting there and avoiding each other's gaze wasn't the way.
"Rachel… We need to talk."
"I know." She sighed.
"Earlier you said…" Did she just come out and ask what she needed to as or did she work her way to in? "A lot has happened in your life. And I don't believe for a second that we know it all. But… you mentioned something that needs to be addressed." That seemed to work as a lead in. Rachel was staring at her intently. "You said something about… about a baby. I want… I need to know what you meant."
"I…" She went through that very conversation, practicing how she'd tell her aunt a million times since the therapist suggested she talk to Casey. Even so, she was at a loss. "There was… It… I…" She stuttered.
"Rachel…" She never wanted to actually ask this, she never wanted it to truly be a possibility, and she certainly hoped it wasn't true. But there they were. "Were you… Were you pregnant?"
"I…" Be honest, she told herself. She had to. If there was anyone she could talk to, it was Casey. The therapist told her she needed to trust and open up. She needed to deal with the trauma, and she couldn't do that alone. "Yes." She whispered.
Oh god… "Did you…When I took you to the clinic that day… Did you have an abortion?'
"What?!" She was taken by surprise. "No… No… No."
"No?" That eased some of guilt and pain she was feeling. Casey put the idea out of her head for a while because there were more pressing matters to contend to, but it was always in the back of her mind. The thought that her niece felt so alone and isolated that she was desperate enough for an abortion rather than to tell them about the baby made her feel terrible with guilt and empathy. She was just a kid. But that left the question, if she didn't have an abortion, what happened?
Her head shook. "No… I couldn't… I wouldn't…" And while everyone had the right to choose, she couldn't have chosen that… She knew that about herself.
"Then Rachel… What happened to the baby?"
Her entire body tensed and just like that the waterworks began. "I didn't know." She said. "I didn't know."
Scooting closer, she asked, "Didn't know what?"
"I didn't know I was… I didn't know… I killed it… I killed my baby." She sobbed into her aunt's chest.
"Shh Rachel. It's ok. You're ok." She cajoled, rubbing a hand on Rachel's back. "Tell me what happened."
"I… I didn't know I was pregnant." She started, her voice shaky with tears. "It was after our competition. Mom told me to go out and celebrate with my friends. I wasn't feeling well for most of the day, but I didn't think anything of it… It… It wasn't that bad…" She sniffled. "We went out and I needed some air. That was when I ran into Jesse again."
"Jesse?"
"Mom's old prodigy… the one that took my heart and stomped on it with Shelby's blessing." It came out hostile, which it should've, but she knew that wasn't exactly the truth. What he did wasn't completely on Shelby.
"Okay…" Yeah, she wasn't going to touch that one yet. One past crisis at a time.
"I walked home after that."
"At night? All the way from the skating place?"
"Yeah…" Casey had to remind herself to focus on the bigger issue. Her dangerous late night strolls weren't the big picture problem.
"Continue."
"The next morning I heard mom and grandma talking and I needed out of the house. I ended up at the bowling alley with a bunch of the glee club…"
"What happened?"
"We were about to eat and I felt sick."
"You wanted to avoid the food?"
"No… No, it wasn't even that. That whole week there was just something wrong. I didn't feel right, but I didn't think much of it… If I was sick, it was my fault, so I didn't say anything."
"You could have and should have said something Rachel. Your health shouldn't be toyed with."
"I know… I know I should have." If she did, maybe things would've been different. Instead they ended up where they did. And there she was, crying again. "But I couldn't. And then I started to hurt. Everything felt like it hurt, but I could barely move the pain was so bad. I managed to get outside in time to vomit."
"You made yourself sick?"
"No… I didn't do that intentionally…"
"Then what happened?"
"One of the glee kids found me. She was going to get help but I made her stop. I didn't want you guys to know… I thought it was my fault… I thought…"
"You thought it was from the eating disorder or the cutting?"
"Yeah…"
"But it wasn't?"
"No… She wanted to take me to the hospital but I wouldn't let her. I made her take me to the clinic."
"Shaw Clinic? Where you asked me to take you?"
"Yes. I tried to get her to leave when we got there. And I lied about my name and age. I didn't want them calling mom…" Her emotions were running high. Both of theirs were. "When the doctor saw me, he saw the cuts and was going to make the appropriate calls to get me help."
"But he didn't…"
"No… I convinced him not to… Told him I had someone I was seeing…"
"That worked?"
"Kind of… I don't know… Most of that time is a very vivid blur…" She squeezed her eyes shut tight. "Until he told me what was wrong."
"What did he say?" She stayed silent, her eyes still shut tight as she got lost in the thoughts. "Rachel?"
"I just thought I was getting my period…" She finally answered. And it hit Casey hard… She knew where this was going, she'd been there herself, but she didn't think of that happening to her niece… "The cramps, the blood… It was… I hadn't had one in a while and I just thought it was normal…"
"But it wasn't?"
"No… It wasn't…"
"Rachel I'm so…" She wouldn't let her aunt finish the statement. She just needed to finish the story and be done with it.
"After I found out, I just wanted out. I didn't want to be there or see anyone. But he came into my room and said she overheard the doctor talking and knew what happened. I tried to push her away. I didn't want sympathy from her. She hated me. And I couldn't escape her. How could she expect me to want her comfort when her baby lived and she lived in my home every day?"
"Beth's birth mother?" That surprised her.
"Quinn tried to be nice and that was weird, but I didn't want her to be nice. I didn't deserve her to be nice. I needed her to be horrible to me like she always was. But she wouldn't, even when I was." She relived the memory. I broke down with Quinn when I tried to break out of the clinic, but she tried to help me and kept me from leaving."
"I'm glad she did."
Rachel ignored her and continued on. "They sent a psychiatrist to talk to me. After that, they gave me some antibiotics and pain meds before letting me go. Quinn offered to let me stay with her. Her mom was out of town and she had a room I could use. But I couldn't stay there any longer. The next morning I walked home."
"…In the rain. That's when I saw you soaking wet and shivering. I knew something was wrong. You weren't acting right."
"You barely knew me. How would you know what right was?"
"Because I knew… Is that why you were asking about my first time? Was it your first time?"
"Yes… No… It was only one guy… And… he was good to me."
"I'm thankful he was…" They'd talk about that more later. "Does he know?"
"He found out, yes."
"I'm sorry Rachel. I wish you said something… I wouldn't have dragged you around from store to store shopping that day. I would've tried to help."
"You couldn't help. No one could. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want anyone there either."
"I could've tried."
"But I wouldn't let you. I wanted to feel that pain because I deserved it."
"No one deserves to lose a child Rachel." She should've seen it. The girl as a mess those few days. Waking in the middle of the night crying, saying over and over it was her fault and she'd be better… They should've looked deeper.
This was when the floodgates really broke. She may have talked about it with her therapists, but this was different. "I was sad… I didn't know… And, and I couldn't feel anything. I killed my baby Casey. I did it. It was my fault." She broke down. "It was my fault. I killed it. I did that."
"No… No baby, no."
"Yes I did. If I took care of myself… If I… I deserved it. I deserved to feel that pain… But he didn't. I hurt him. I killed our baby."
"You didn't kill it Rachel. You didn't do it."
"Yes I did! I was making myself sick Casey. I wasn't taking care of myself, so the baby died. It died because of me. We lost our baby because I'm stupid and I deserved it. I'm a horrible person. I just hurt people. It's all my fault."
Rather than repeat once more words that Rachel refused to hear, Casey took a different approach. "Am I a horrible person?" She asked.
"Wha-what?" She hiccupped.
Casey too was teary eyed and desperately trying to keep it together. "If you lost your baby because you're a horrible person, does that mean I'm a horrible person too?"
"You… you lost your baby?"
Casey sat up straight in the bed, Rachel doing the same. Passing her niece a tissue, she spoke on. "I was pregnant a few years after we had Danny."
"But you don't have another kid."
"No, I don't."
"So you lost it?"
"After Danny was born, the C-section left me with scar tissue that made having another baby difficult. Getting pregnant was hard, but it did happen. We kept it to ourselves though, because it was a tough ride. And…" She was trying to remain composed. That was a difficult time for her so she could understand what Rachel went through. "We went in for a regular checkup when we found out we lost our daughter."
"It was a girl?"
"Yeah, she was. And I was sad and I blamed myself…"
"I'm so sorry Casey. I'm so sorry."
"Me too Rachel. But am I a horrible person?"
"No…"
"Did I deserve to lose her?"
"No…"
"Neither did you."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not telling you this so you'll be sorry Rachel. I just want you to see that these things, as terrible and painful as they are, can happen to everyone. It doesn't make it your fault and it doesn't mean you're horrible or you deserved it. Neither of us deserved that pain. It is unspeakable. But it happened. All we can do is grieve and find a way to keep going."
"I'm sorry about your daughter Aunt Casey. You're a great mom. Any daughter would've loved you."
"Thank you Rachel." She hugged her, wiping the tears from her eyes as she did. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Casey?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I made you take me back to the clinic that day without telling you why. I wish I knew how to let you in, but I didn't… I couldn't. I didn't feel like I deserved the comfort I knew you would've given me."
"I wish I could've tried Rachel, but you're talking to me now. This is such a painful thing to go through, and you're so young… We're going to have to talk about this Rachel… You're too young to have kids and I know you know about safe sex… So we're going to discuss this, but not now… I don't know about you, but I'm drained and I'm sad… for what we both went through. But, I'm happy that I'm here with you."
"Me too."
"So let's try to relax and we'll talk more later."
"I'm sorry I made you sad and disappointed you."
"No matter what you do Rachel, we will always love you. And sometimes we will be disappointed or upset by the choices you make, but it won't change how we feel about you."
"I'm starting to get that."
"I know you are."
"Will you stay with me for a little while?"
"I have nowhere else I'd want to be but here."
"Thank you for not hating me… for not judging me and for just being here for me."
"Whenever you need me, I'm here."
Both women were clearly upset. A lot of feelings and memories were brought up for both of them. The tears and thoughts were plentiful, but like they always did, they got through it. Once it seemed Rachel was asleep, though she was faking, Casey slipped out of the bedroom and went to her own.
"Hey, you ok?" Mark asked when he heard her sniffle.
"No."
"Will you just hold me? I need you to hold me,"
"Come here then. Let me love you." Casey got into bed with her husband as he cuddled up behind her, arms embracing her. And that was where they stayed, nestled in each other's warm embrace seeking love and comfort until the morning sun woke them the next day. He didn't ask questions. He knew she'd tell him when she had the chance. Until then, he'd do what he could to comfort her.
In the other room, exhausted as she was from the talk with her aunt, she couldn't sleep. Faking it so she could be alone, she got Casey to leave. Emotions still running high, she thought, maybe it was about time she read the letters from her friends. She knew what she wrote to them in her goodbye, but she never gave them the same courtesy of reading their thoughts. At the time, she just couldn't. She was fragile and, though in a safe place, felt so unsafe. She didn't want to open herself up to it.
But now she had to. Running into Santana proved that. And she needed to know what she'd be facing when she went back to school. So, she reached into the clothes she brought with her to Casey's, and wrapped inside the shirt was a package of envelopes.
It was time. She needed to read them and face the people she hurt. It needed to be done. She needed to heal. One weight was lifted as her aunt gave her a reaction so unlike what she expected. People could surprise her. And she hoped the people she hurt by her actions could find it in their hearts to forgive her too so maybe, she could truly forgive herself.
Collective response to all reviews: You are all so amazing for sticking with this story and my craziness. Thank you for that. We'll get there as the end is nigh. I can't tell you how much it means to know people are still reading and interested even when I take forever to update and probably drive you nuts. I will update again as soon as I can. I won't give exact dates because I don't need that stress of a deadline and I don't know what will get in the way from now until then. Just know, it will be updated. I will complete this story.
I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…