Affliction

by Doodle19

Everybody has problems and everbody chooses to deal with them in their own way. So when the world around Rachel and the walls she put up come crashing down, how will she deal? And will anybody be there to help her survive? Rating subject to change.

44. Senior Year

I do not own Glee, I only play with the characters and create others to play along.

Chapter's here. Yay. Sorry about the delay.

Chapter 44: Senior Year

The first year in recovery was agonizingly hard; so, so incredibly hard, but she made it to the next. Through all the hurdles and struggles, she made it. That year just so happened to coincide with the last and possibly one of, if not the, most important years of high school: senior year.

That was the one year where pressure was at its worst, coming at students like a bullet at its target. And it was aiming to hit the bull's eye. Though she was all caught up with the work from the time she missed, Rachel still felt behind. School work was fine, but, in general, with all things, she just felt behind.

She, Santana (thus Brittany by extension), Kurt, Noah, and Kurt's boyfriend Blaine, all grew closer as the school year passed. They, along with her family, were Rachel's support system. They caught her when she looked like she was about to fall and kept her going when she thought she couldn't go any further. And that happened more frequently than Rachel cared to admit those first few months. They were the reason she survived, though.

"You did it yourself Rach. We were just here to help you out." She was reminded time and again. "You made the choice to be ok and we were just backing you up."

Nodding, she took her friend's hand and said, "Thank you."

She honestly felt like she owed them so much more than they could ever understand or she could ever repay. She owed them her gratitude and, more importantly, her life. Unfortunately, there'd be one battle with herself she wouldn't allow anyone to help with, but first, she had to get to that point.

A few weeks into her school year and the real work began. She was a bit scattered and challenged, but she liked the latter. It gave her purpose. She was finding her way again, catching her footing. Things became somewhat easier once the rumors died down and people stopped staring. That was the worst. They kept looking for her to break and she was about to. Thankfully, those who cared wouldn't let her. Santana and Puck all but beat everyone who dared look at her funny. There may have even been a few hits exchanged without her knowledge. All she knew was that they helped her with them and she was so incredibly happy they did.

There were some days, especially in the beginning, where the stares and feelings and all of it just felt too much, when she found she had to remember that she spent that summer in a rehab facility, and not because she forgot she did. It wasn't her favorite place to be. Group time and one on one therapy sessions weren't her thing. Add in family day and forced, very structured, monitored eating times and she was living in hell. But because she made it through that. And if she could make it through that, she could make it through her last year of high school.

She didn't have much of a choice.

She just had to soldier on, realize how strong and capable she really was, and fight for herself.

And that was exactly what she learned to do. Of everything she accomplished that year, that was what she was most proud of. She learned to accept that she was flawed and that that was ok.

No one was perfect. That was the reality.

But coming to that realization wasn't an easy journey at all.

It took a lot of work on her part. She had to earn back the trust she lost and prove herself again with everyone, her mom and aunt, her friends, strangers, and, most importantly, herself. But she did it. In the end, she did it. After the first month of showing she could keep up in school, clubs, and handle going to glee practices once, sometimes twice, a week after school (a special arrangement Shelby discussed with Mr. Schue), as well as performing in their annual school show, though just as background, Shelby finally agreed to limited dance classes.

"Shelby, Rachel and I have been talking…"

Rolling her eyes, Shelby interrupted. "Oh no… What did you two conspire to this time?"

"Mom, it's not bad… I just… I think I can handle doing dance again."

"You think so, do you?"

"I do."

"Last time things didn't go so well."

"I may have used dance to add to my already overzealous workout routine, but it wasn't about losing weight. It was about control and… And I am in control of that. I've accepted that I can't control everything and I can't let my… issues… control me. I'm Rachel… I don't know who I am without dance and music. It's my life and, right now, I'm missing that piece of me."

"Rachel…"

"I promise that if I feel myself slipping down that path again I will come to you or Casey…. Even Mark. I promise… And – And we can start small… One of you can even stay the whole class. I won't make any problems with that. Casey even said she could do it after work if you're busy."

"You really thought this through, huh?"

"I did, look." She handed Shelby a stack of papers. "This is the same dance academy I went to with the same teachers. They all agreed to keep an eye on me… You can check in with them and them with you…"

"You really want this?"

"So… so badly…"

"Ok…"

"Ok?!" Her mouth went wide. "Casey! She said ok!"

"I heard." She shared a smile with her niece before turning to her sister. "What's the catch?"

"Ok, Rachel, you can take your dance classes, but…"

"Why does there need to be a but?"

"But, I will be checking in and one of us will be there at each class. The same rules apply there as here. There's no extra workouts or skipping meals. And if you seem to go down that road again, then I expect you to come to me. If you don't, that's it. No more dance. Will be keeping a close eye on you Rachel. I need you to be honest and come to one of us if you start to feel yourself slipping again."

"I promise. I promise!" She ran to hug Shelby. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"I'll talk to your instructor tomorrow to see when you can start."

"I love you." She hugged her once more before doing the same to Casey. "And thank you too. So much. You have no idea how much this means to me." Shelby did understand. Dance and music were both such big parts of her life as well, which worked in Rachel's favor. It helped her get how much she missed it and helped her push past the fear to let Rachel, her once wounded bird, fly free again.

And once she got the ok, she was not going to let it go until it happened. She was relentless about that, but Shelby and Casey were on top of it.

"Ready Rachel?"

"More than ready." Within a week from that conversation, Rachel was back at the studio with Noah and Casey as her escorts (Shelby's permission given). Walking in and getting a whiff of the sweat filled locker room, running her hand against the barre, being back in her leo… It all felt so right and so freeing. "Ah…" She let out a long held breath.

"We'll be out there Rachel. Have a good class."

"Thanks." She hugged her aunt. "And thanks Noah, for coming too."

"Anything for you Babe. You'll be great. Break a leg… or well don't, but go be you out there. It'll be awesome to see you dance for real again."

"It'll be amazing to dance for real again and not just a little in the choir room!" She leaned in and up on her toes to give him a chaste kiss. "See you after class!"

Being on that floor again felt like home. She felt rusty at first, and a little uncomfortable under the scrutinizing eyes of her peers, but she pushed it all away. She didn't want the glances from her fellow dancers every now and then affect her. She was free. She was flying on that floor. She was home. Everything was starting to feel right again. And it got better with time.

Everything was in order with her life. A packed schedule was exactly what she needed. It was all structured and consuming, but not overwhelming. A few months out and she was flourishing. She had her school work and classes. Once her initial trial period was over, she started glee every day. Therapists' appointments were still more than once a week in the beginning, though the amount tapered with time. With the trial period passed, dance went back to the same schedule as before everything. And, she had her cooking class with Mark. In so many ways, he became the father her fathers stopped being the last few years of their lives.

Earlier in the recovery process, the first anniversary of her fathers' deaths took Rachel by storm. She thought she dealt with their passing, but it still never healed. That grief was only replaced by her obsessions and compulsions. And when she was reminded of it again, healed and better, those wounds were ripped open, torn to shreds. The day was spent crying and being held by the people who loved her. In between bouts of tears, she was force fed. Each time they offered, she refused the food. "I'm not hungry!" She'd hiss. But they couldn't accept that; they wouldn't. She just wanted the dark cloud that still hovered around her to swallow her whole. Her support kept that from happening. They fought her tooth and nail to keep her afloat.

And Mark was there too. When all was said and done, he was there for her though he barely knew her at the time. Even after, he stayed, something her fathers stopped doing once she was old enough to feed and bathe herself. It reminded her of what she was missing. It helped her see that that neglect, yes that was what it was, a form of neglect, was part of her problem. She couldn't make them love her and want to be with her, so she needed that control; that strive for perfection, and, ultimately, that was part of her downfall. They were part of her downfall. They helped build the blocks that lead to the brick wall she encased herself in.

It wasn't their fault. They didn't make her do what she did. But they sure didn't stop her either. The loss was still devastating. It would always be a tragedy of her past, but she didn't want to let it overpower her anymore. Every day that loss was in her thoughts in some way, shape, or form, whether she was conscious of that or not. But, after being reminded of the fathers they once were and the fathers she missed out on over the last few years, she realized that she had been mourning their loss long before they actually died because the fathers she knew and loved left her by age 12. The men she, metaphorically speaking because they were cremated, buried were not the same men she loved. She saw real glimpses of them every once in a while, but that only let her hope. And her hopes were continually crushed and rarely ever met.

She couldn't hold on to that grief and hope anymore. They were long gone. And now, though not quite the same, she had the fathers she always wanted. She had a Shelby. She had a Casey. And she had a Mark too. He made that last part very clear time and again. Often, his actions spoke louder than his words, and his words were very loud, clear and always honest. Her fathers would have never took time out of their schedules or from each other to spend time with one of her, nonexistent, cousins. But, unlike them, Mark did that for her.

She remembered the day so clearly. There were many times that he made her feel like a part of his family, like a daughter even. There was that time at their house when he offered to take her to the cooking lessons. Then there was the time when he helped her with a project that she just couldn't do on her own. There were too many times to even count. But this time was different than the others.

It was a particularly bad day for her, one of the many she had and would have. She came home from school in a foul mood. She was slushied, her clothes were stained, Noah was later suspended for punching the jock who threw it at her, and, to make matters worse, a kid, several, at school saw her scars. Before then, no one had seen her scars but her, Shelby, Casey, and hospital staff. She was so shocked by the sudden burst of ice on her skin that she just ripped the soaked sweater right off her back.

The drink came out of nowhere. It had been such a long time since the last, she took the lack of it for granted. But her body guards were all scattered. Puck and Santana were in different classes and Kurt was still saving her seat in the lunch room. So, she was alone. There was no one there to be the in between; no buffer that could save her.

"I've been waiting to do this for such a long time." The guy taunted. She wasn't even sure who he was or what she did to him to possibly warrant the slushy facial. "You come back here with your protectors all around you. But where are they now? Not here to save you this time are they?" And just like that, the purple gush was all over her skin and hair. It was a mess.

And she stood there, the cold assaulting her as the boy laughed. Only a few others witnessed the scene as classes were still in session. She simply wanted to go wash her hands before having lunch when she was bombarded. Not thinking and just acting, she needed to free the now clinging and soaked fabric from her body. "Holy crap." He stared at her, grabbing her arms to show her wrists, forearms up. "They really weren't joking, were they? The rumors were true. You were gone for so long because you lost it and tried offing yourself. This is gold! You're even crazier than I thought you were. Wait until I tell everybody." He laughed as her eyes filled with tears. Her mouth seemed frozen. There was nothing she could say. "Crazy bitch." He sneered and walked away sure to give her a nice shove into the lockers as he did. The few people in the hallway just stared and snickered.

The rumors would start again. With that would come the looks she was already getting. People would speculate and laugh and just belittle her. And the panic was already there. All the thoughts she battled to overcome suddenly felt very relevant and strong again. She just… she couldn't breathe and she needed out.

Not bothering with anything else, she just broke through her paralysis and ran. Right out the front doors, she ran and ran and didn't look back. It was all rushing back. The self-doubt, the anger, the pain… all of it… All of it was back and her confidence shaken. Faster. Harder. She found herself pushing. And she did. She continued to push all the way to Casey's house. Her own house was out of the question. No one would be there, but Shelby would show up pretty quickly once word spread about what happened.

That was how she ended up at her aunt's house, freezing and in pain. She ran so hard and so fast that she fell and scraped up her knee pretty badly. Her feet were blistered from running in her flats, and the icy beverage in the cold end of winter air had her shivering even with the sweat. And that was how Mark found her, sitting on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down her leg and body shaking with cold.

"Casey? You home? The door was unlocked. Your car's not in the driveway. Where is it?" Of course, she didn't answer. "Casey? You come home from work early?"

Mark got worried after that. He knew that Casey wasn't due home for a few hours. He wasn't either. He only came back to pick something up during his lunch break. But the door was unlocked and that never happened. He remembered locking it before leaving that morning and he knew Casey was a stickler for it too. So, someone had to open it.

"Anybody here? Casey?" He tried again as he made his way further into the house. A small crashing sound made him weary and unsettled. Someone was definitely there and, since they weren't answering his calls, it probably wasn't Casey.

He grabbed the nearest weapon like blunt object and made his way toward the sounds. There was movement upstairs. Stealthily, he kept at it, reaching the top of the stairs so he could listen more closely. The bathroom, he determined. It was coming from the master bathroom. Continuing on, he held a tight grip on the wooden object in his hand. Slipping through the door, he held it up, ready to pounce if need be. Instead, he was met with a scream.

"Mark!?"

"Rachel?!" They were both surprised. Rachel didn't hear him. She didn't hear anything over her thoughts. "What are you doing?"

"Me? What are you doing with that?"

"I thought someone broke in."

"So you were going to coat rack them to death?"

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I forgot some files here and came to get them."

"I didn't want to be at school."

"That's not really a good reason not to be. What is that all over you? Is that… Is that blood?"

"What?" She followed his eyes. She didn't even realize she cut herself. "Oh… yeah, I guess it is."

Grabbing a washcloth off the shelf, he wiped some of the goo off her face and pushed her sticky hair away. "What happened?"

"Kids suck."

"Not all of them. You're pretty great." He smiled and propped her up on the closed toilet seat. "Did somebody do this to you?" She looked away and nodded. There was no point in lying. It wasn't like she did it to herself. "Do I need to knock some punk down a peg?"

"No… No… I just… I thought the slushies were over… You know? And then, then today some guy just…"

"He threw it at you? Kids really do that?" He thought Casey was just exaggerating when he told her stories. Apparently, he was very wrong.

Tenderly, he continued to clean her up, using the damp cloth to wipe away what he could as he placed a dry one over her scrapes. "That… and more." Rachel said. He heard her, but it sounded distant. She was there before him and exposed. Her scars were on display and he never saw them before. It was all just a theory in him mind until that moment. The evidence was there. It momentarily stunned him. But, it changed nothing about what he felt for his niece, so he pulled himself back to the moment.

"One day, Rachel, you'll be everything you want and more and the idiots who do this kind of thing will be nothing but a distant memory." He wrapped his hands around her wrists and added, "All of it will."

"I hope so."

"I know so." She gave her a warm smile. "Listen kid, why don't you hop in the shower? I'll get some of Casey's clothes for you to change into, I'll patch you up, and we can talk."

"Don't you have to go back to work?"

"I can take the rest of the day off for you."

"You don't have to."

"I know."

"So you're going to play hokey?"

"I won't tell if you don't." He winked.

As she showered, Mark called Casey and explained the situation. She seemed so relieved to hear from him. Things were swirling at school and Shelby had called her in a panic about her niece. So, she was glad she could tell her sister that Rachel wasn't missing and didn't run away. Honestly, though they knew she wasn't in that same head space, they couldn't help but worry that she'd hurt herself again. Knowing Mark was with her gave them some peace. He'd look after her. They knew that.

Clean, changed, and bandaged, Mark had her across from him at the table. He wasn't in his element with her. He knew boys. He knew how to approach things with a son, well, most things. But there was something they needed to talk about. "Rachel… I have to ask…" But he really didn't want to. "Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"I was… I was cleaning up and I found a whole bag of empty wrappers… I need to know if…" He tailed off leaving her to finish the thought.

"If I binged and stuck my fingers down my throat?" She asked bluntly.

"Well, yeah…" And he hated that he even felt the need to ask. But he was worried. After what she told him, and he saw, the incident could've been enough to set her back.

"I thought about it…" She spoke honestly.

"But…"

"But I didn't do it. I… I wanted to and I did…" Embarrassed, she looked away. "I did eat that but… But I couldn't do it. And now I feel gross. I feel disgusted."

"I'm glad you didn't do it Rachel."

"Yeah…" Sure, they would all be happy. But she still felt absolutely miserable.

"I'm proud of you, you know. You could've done it. No one could've stopped you. But you chose not to."

"I still want to." She told him, looking his dead in the eyes. They didn't want her to lie and she wasn't going to. Maybe, subconsciously, she was trying to push them away still. Freaking them out might do the trick.

"I'm sure you do." He told her with understanding. "But we're not going to let that happen."

"We're not?"

"No. You've done so well Rachel. And slips are going to happen. There will be times when all you want is to go back to that, to give in, but you won't."

"I won't? How do you know?"

"Because I believe in you. I've seen you go through everything as determined and strong as you could possibly be. So there's no doubt you'll keep that up."

Rachel was nearly in tears. He spent the rest of the afternoon right by her side just keeping her distracted and making her feel better. He was kind and caring with her. It wasn't something she associated with the adult men in her life. No one had hurt her, physically, but no one had really been kind to her either. The male role models she had were the picture of absence and passive neglect. He was not that. He was the picture of a TV dad, the one like she thought she once had.

It was an eye opening moment for her. He helped her, again, without any real reason.

She was starting to see that all the people in her life were like that. They didn't have to stay by her side through it all, but they did. So, things had to get better from there right?

She thought so. And, for the most part, they did. Rachel was thrilled when the nightly checks turned into weekly checks, and finally, with her trust earned back, stopped altogether. It was a day she'd remember fondly. As she grew closer to her mother, the trust seemed to come too. By the end of the school year, Rachel was down to one therapist appointment every month, a stark change from the twice weekly sessions she was having upon her return home. "We'll do family therapy every few months, just to make sure we're still on track." Shelby told her one afternoon as they finished with an appointment. "It'll be good for us."

"I don't know where I'll be in a few months' time. How can we plan for sessions when I might be states away?"

"We'll figure it out. Wherever you go, I won't be far from you. We'll get you set up with everything you need."

Everyone in her life made it clear they were there forever. There was no getting rid of them. Not even when things got bad. Instead, they made it better. Santana was the one that surprised her the most. They went from enemies to frenemies, to just friends. And, she proved to be an amazing one, the only girl friend she really had. Santana was a person you wanted by your side. She was great. And Kurt too. Blaine was a pretty good guy that she came to call a good friend. But really, it was Puck, Noah, and Shelby who stunned her the most.

She was sure that, after everything, Noah would want nothing more to do with her. She was so up and down, she was shocked she didn't push him away so far she could never reach her again. But, he was amazing through it all. He stuck by her, he helped her, and, most of all, he loved her regardless. He made sure she knew that. He told her every day in ways that went beyond words. His actions, that he showed up when she needed him and when she didn't, that they relied on each other and talked to each other. They were a surprising, but very good match. And she loved him more and more each day.

Unlike with Casey, who she just knew wouldn't let her down, Shelby's track record wasn't very good. But, if that year proved anything, it was that Shelby could be counted on. Despite the past, when push came to shove, Shelby was there. And that counted for something. Her family felt whole. Her fathers would always be missed, but their deaths gave her new life. She couldn't imagine going through all she had without the people she had around. And that wouldn't have happened with them there.

It wasn't that she was grateful they passed. She missed them. She loved them. But she was grateful that something good came out of that bad. She finally had her family.

And that was the greatest gift her fathers ever gave her.

There was one other major down that could've ruined everything. College applications and auditions… They were terrible. She put in endless hours trying to achieve perfection. It was easy to fall into her old patterns, eating little, working more. Those around her were worried to say the least. They saw her going down that dark road again and it terrified them. But they did their best to remain a united front and be there for her in any way they could, even if it meant a little regression in the progress they all made.

Shelby set up more appointments with the therapist, and, after seeing a suspicious cut peeking out from under her sleeve, even initiated the checks again. It wasn't what either wanted, but it was what needed to be done. Meal times became a hassle again. And it wasn't that she didn't want to eat or was refusing, just that she refused to eat more than she did normally.

For a regular person, maybe that would be ok. But not for her. Still just a little underweight, something her doctor told her would likely remain the case, her actions were causing her to lose again. She wasn't compensating for the extra calories burned. That had the adults and friends panicked.

"Rachel, babe, you can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

"Don't be an idiot Rachel!" Santana added.

Kurt, being the level headed one that day, stepped in. "What she's trying to say is that you know what we're talking about. You're doing it again. I know you are."

"We all know you are."

"What is it you think I'm doing?" They couldn't really know, could they? It was just the one time, well two times. But she felt guilty… She didn't do it again after the last time. Instead, she just worked harder. It ate away at her that she threw away months of "sobriety" for a few moments. And since, she was overcompensating. They could see that. She was overly nice, apologetic for the smallest of things, offering to do things for them that she would never offer to do… They knew something was up.

Hell, she sensed the storm coming before it even hit. But it stunned her so badly she didn't know how to stop it. Instead, she gave into it. And when she did, when she found herself huddled over the toilet, at first she was ok. "It was a mistake." She told herself. "It won't happen again." But she was wrong. It did. It did happen again. Her little slip turned into two. And the second led to tremendous guilt and shame. That, of course, led to the cuts on hip, strategically placed under the panty line. Then, then she just hated herself that much more.

She hid it, of course, but it ate away at her. The more she hid it, the more she wanted to do it again. There was that high again; that high that took all the pressure and pain and anxiety away. Only, it didn't, and she knew that. The logic was winning out. She couldn't and wouldn't do it again.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She broke down with them. "I didn't mean to do it… It just… It just happened, Like I wasn't in control of my mind. And I won't do it again. I… I haven't since. Please don't tell Shelby or Casey."

Her crying made them weak. They knew, like any addiction, relapse was a possibility. And she wasn't down the rabbit hole again, not yet, just taking a peek down there. They wouldn't let it go further. "We won't tell." Noah readily agreed.

"But you have to tell us exactly what you did. And if there is something to see, we need to see it." Rachel knew exactly what they meant. "We need to know how bad this is."

"Ok…" She reluctantly agreed. "I… I… didn't tell anyone, but I… I snuck out of my class on Saturday to meet Ms. Thibodaux…. I had an audition with a few other students from Ohio… And…"

"And what? Why didn't you say anything?" It would've explained why she was so nutbally the past week. She shut everyone out, kept to herself, rarely left her room or the auditorium. That would explain why.

"I choked. I forgot my song. I had to beg and plead and cry, but I get another chance. Can't you see? I couldn't say anything… I couldn't let everyone down. You all believe I me and I… just failed. Now I just have to get it right. I won't survive if I mess this up again. It's like my entire future is in this one moment; this one redo is my shot." Even with all the practice, she just didn't feel it was enough. And she felt herself being consumed again. As much as she tried to shake it, this time, she just couldn't. NYADA and Broadway were her dream. Sure, she applied to a bunch of "normal" schools too, but they were last resort. They weren't what she really wanted. Not getting in not going to New York, it would be devastating to her.

"Rachel. That's not true." Noah was quick to say.

"You could be a bag lady and we'd still love your crazy ass just as much as if you make it big on Broadway."

"More tactfully put," Kurt interceded, "you could be anything, fail or succeed at anything, and you're not letting us down. Everybody fails sometimes. The only way you let us down is if you don't try to stay healthy or come to us when you need us. We just want our Rachel, whoever and whatever she is."

"I'm sorry." She cried and they ran to her side whispering all the things she needed to hear. Truth was, whether they realized it at the time or not, even when she was in the throes of her disorder, she was still there for them, supporting them through their problems, so they could finally return the favor.

She told them about her slips. It wasn't a relapse. She refused to recognize it as such. It was a slip. It would not go any further than that. She was determined to keep the disorder in check. It helped that they didn't seem to judge her or make her feel worse than she did already. Instead, they calmed her and made her see why she didn't need that anymore. "Rach, let me take you out. We need a date night." That was his idea to cheer her up and distract her.

"I don't know… I really should keep going."

"No. Absolutely not." Kurt told her.

"Alright midget, listen to these idiot. You need a break. Go out and have some fun with your boyfriend." She couldn't argue, so she easily caved.

Dates became a regular occurrence for Noah and Rachel. He, through proving himself while she was away at treatment and spending time with the Corcoran family whenever he came to visit Beth, even got Shelby's approval. Casey was a little weary of him at first. Her sister told her some stories, but he saw how much the boy cared for her niece, both of them. She became a little unnerved about their relationship after the talk with Rachel about the baby she lost, but she knew they'd find a way to each other no matter what. So, she made sure Rachel was safe from now on. They had a long talk about birth control even though Rachel was squeamish about the whole thing. She informed her aunt that she was on birth control now, something the doctors thought a good idea since her cycle was irregular. That gave her some comfort.

"Besides," Rachel added to her argument to end the conversation, "I'm not having sex."

And she stayed true to that. Since everything with the miscarriage and treatment, and even through all the romantic dates, they had not had sex again. They hugged and kissed and even cuddled, but that was it. Until then. There was nothing special about the day, not in the good sense at least. Noah was just worried about her and wanted to take her mind off the thoughts and onto, well, them.

"Where do you want to go Noah?"

"I'm giving in." He stated.

"What?" She said nervously. "You… You're breaking up with me?"

"No!" He clarified quickly. "I'm finally giving in. I'm going to take you to that organic, whole food, natural, all vegan garbage place."

"It's not garbage Noah."

"It's not real food either." He countered.

"You wouldn't know real food if it was thrown at you."

"But you would?" He kissed her.

"I would! Haven't you heard? I'm an apprentice chef now. The instructor thinks I have promise."

"I bet you do. You're amazing at everything."

"Noah…"

"Please Rach, let me say this." He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. They were at Roosevelt Botanical again. Their place… kind of. As morbid as it was knowing her fathers' ashes were released there, it became a place of peace, and the beauty of it all was soothing. Anyway, he wanted to be romantic. He wanted to sweep her off her feet and show her a good time.

"Alright…"

"You are amazing. You are absolutely amazing. And you don't see it, still, after everything, you still don't. That's ok I guess… You don't need to. But you do need to know that that is what we see. Even if you bombed that audition, which I don't believe you did…"

"Noah, I did. You weren't there. It was… It was so terrible; horrific. I was mid lyric and just blanked. I should've just shot myself right there and then. It was like my career was ending before it even began. Everything was flashing before my eyes. And… and then I just cried. I cried a lot. Then I just threw myself into everything. I went crawling back and begged her for another shot, convinced her to come see us, me, at Nationals. And then I just went at everything full force. That was the only thing I could do to survive."

"Rachel. You weren't really surviving. Not in a good way anyway. You were doing the one thing that could destroy you… Again… I can't let that happen… You can't let that happen."

"I'm trying Noah. I really am."

"I know… But maybe, don't hide it. Like, you could've come to us, any one of us… to me. I would've listened to anything you said." He moved his hand to her arm and pulled up her sleeve. She flinched and tried to get her hand away, but he didn't allow her. Delicately running his and over the injuries, both old and new, he made her hear him. "Instead, you did this… You opened old wounds. Those wounds are not just yours anymore Rachel. They're all of ours. We're effected too. You turned to a blade and ritual instead of just coming to us."

"I didn't know how… I mean, I did, but it's… It's… The thoughts aren't always easy to talk about. Sometimes they're still pretty dark… I don't know how to tell you about them without hurting you."

"Don't worry about hurting us. We can take it."

"I can take it too."

"No… You can't."

The rest of their talk went better. It was real and honest. Noah had that sensitive side to him that Rachel loved to see. It made her love him even more. In those moments, in any moments that had to do with Rachel or thinking about her or what she would want for him, the real him came out and all the thoughts about his reputation and appearances flew right out the window. None of it mattered.

"Let me take you to dinner now."

"Can we just cook at home instead?" She offered. It just didn't feel like a go out kind of day. The serenity of the park was fine, but the hustle of a restaurant was not a scenario she wanted to be a part of right then.

"Sure." It was a fairly long drive, but they made it back to his house in ample time for a romantic night. Though their talk went well and the words were heard, it was obvious that she was still in that mindset and, especially after the bullying incident, even more self-conscious.

But he did what he could. He wanted to make her see and feel just how beautiful she was. So, when they were alone in the kitchen, his mom and sister out for a while, he took the opportunity to show her just that. Purely in the moment, reacting to the faint moon light shining through the kitchen window as she washed the dishes rattling on about this and that, he stopped her. He put his hands on her arms and turned her. Taking a moment to just stare into her face, he leaned in and kissed her, gently and deeply, slowly until it became more fervent.

Finally breaking for air, foreheads resting against each other, Rachel asked, "Not that this isn't wonderful, but why?"

"Can't a guy just kiss the girl he loves?"

"Of course… Because the girl loves him too."

"You've been so down lately."

"I know."

"We haven't really had much time for the two of us."

"That's my fault. I'm sorry."

"Nah, I get it. It's no big. But what is, is you being so down on yourself."

"Noah, we discussed this already." She pulled away.

"No, we really didn't." He told her. "You're so damn beautiful. But I see you afraid of yourself. You still feel like a freak."

"Yeah Noah! Because I am." She was scared and angry at herself. She was angry he was right. "I am still a freak. I walk around with evidence of that every day. People stare and whisper again. I thought it was over! But it's not! I will always be this ugly, insecure, stupid, little freak!"

"Stop!" He yelled as he stilled her pacing. "I know that last few weeks have really messed with your head. Between the slushie incident with that jack off and the audition, I know it's been a rough time, but don't do this. Come on."

"Come on and what Noah?!"

"Look at me." She didn't. "Look at me!" He finally got her attention and held her gaze on him. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on."

"Don't…"

When she tried to look away, he put his hands on her cheeks to keep her there. "You are. Rachel…" Again, he pulled up her sleeves. This time, he moved them up into her line of sight. "These marks are just stories. Each and every one of them is something you survived. Some people may look at you differently for it, but no one that is worth having around will. All I see when I look at them is how strong you are, how amazing you are, and what a survivor you are."

"Really?"

"Absolutely Rach. I love you. You are the most amazing person inside and out. I'm going to keep telling you that. I'm going to tell you every single day until you believe it again."

"I don't know that I ever will."

"You will if I have anything to do with it. Babe, there's nothing wrong with you. We all feel down sometimes or insecure, you maybe more than some, but it doesn't change the reality. You are as effing close to perfect as there is."

Throwing all the doubt away, she just listened to his words, let them absorb. She wasn't going to lie and say she believed them completely, but he made her feel like they were a real possibility, like she could be all he believed her to be and so much more. So, she wrapped her arms around him and held him close, breaking away to kiss him. The kiss continued as she let her hands wander. He stopped her as she moved up his shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"Just keep kissing me Noah." He was in no position to argue. That was something he didn't know how to turn down from her. So he didn't. For a long while, they just made out before she started with more. She needed to be the initiator, and she was.

"Are you sure?" He panted. "We haven't done… this since… a while. We don't have to."

"Noah, I'm sure. I love you. And, you are the only one who makes me feel like this."

"Like what?"

"Like I make sense, like I am everything I dream of being… Like

He held her by the waist, nipping and kissing at her neck as he led her to the bedroom. It was intimate and sweet and he did exactly what he set out to do. He made her feel as beautiful as she truly was. He took the time to really see each and every scar, sure to acknowledge them with a slight caress or little kiss so she knew they were a part of her to love and accept rather than admonish.

Everything about it was exactly what she needed. She was loved and she felt good about herself. It wasn't the sex that did that for her, but knowing he still thought she was enough for him was beneficial. It was the intimate re-acquaintance with both herself and her body as well as her relationship with Noah. She got to feel him again, really feel him.

Time seemed to move quickly after that and, relatively smoothly. There were no major issues at the very least. Rachel got her second auditions and blew it out of the water. Modest, she was, but her family, friends, and classmates all witnessed her performance. It was, after all, Nationals. And they won. They won Nationals in Senior year nearly making up for Junior year's mishap of a failed performance. It was the best audition she could've hoped for.

Then it was just about waiting to hear back.

And that was torturous. It was a time filled with self-doubt and impatience with a little bit of attitude thrown in for good measure. She just wanted to figure out what the future held and move on from the past. She wanted to know what to look forward to and plan for so she could release her past.

Suddenly, that started happening. College acceptance letters were coming in. They celebrated each one too, and there were quite a few. But they were waiting for that one, the one that would make or break her.

A scream from upstairs had their hearts racing, immediately they feared the worst. Something happened to Rachel… As fast as they could, the sisters ran upstairs to find out what was wrong, hoping that their panic was obsolete and unwarranted, though history and current events seemed to point otherwise.

"Rachel?! Rachel are you ok?" They asked, short of breath as they made it to her room. She was just standing there, staring at a piece of paper in her hand.

"What is it? What's going on?"

With a smile on her face, a light in her eyes that was greater than they had ever seen, she said, "I did it! I got in." The family rejoiced together. "I'm going to NYADA!"

And they couldn't be happier for her. She had come such a long way, endured so much, and yet, there she stood, still fighting to make her mark in the world. Rachel Berry would be a household name one day. And they could happily say they were a part of that journey.

They helped get her through and she did the fighting. After all the work they did together to get to this point, it seemed like it was finally behind them. They were truly moving on. It was about more than being ok, it was about being happy. And, in that moment, they could say they were ecstatic.

By the end of the school year, it'd be good bye Ohio, hello New York.

Rachel was on to bigger and better things in life. The demons of the small town wouldn't leave her, but they wouldn't have to haunt her either.

She was moving on. She was moving up. She was stronger than her affliction.

One chapter left… This one, as you can probably tell, and the last chapter are both kind of epilogue like. They cover a lot of time and ground in a short span of time. I hope you all enjoyed and that you'll check out the last chapter.

I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Until next time…

Lazyb I do apologize for the delay. It is always my intention to be timely, but, sometimes and more often than I'd like, I tend not to be. But, fear not, there's only one chapter left and then there is no more worrying about updates.

carrebear14 Thank you. I always love to hear that people have been through this story since the beginning or, at least, for a good chunk of time. So, I was happy to read this story followed you through a lot. I wanted this to be an honest representation of the disorder as much as it could be. It's a tough subject, but ignoring it doesn't make it less so.

CarolineSC I aim to bring out all the emotions. So glade the chapter evoked so many for you. I'm sad it's almost over too, but I've enjoyed the journey. Love me some Puck and Rachel and some good Santana moments. Sounds like I'm not alone with that.

Kikilia14 Thanks. I'm glad you think both responses were understandable. They have two different relationships with Rachel so they'd naturally react differently to the same situation. Santana really does have her moments, doesn't she?

Guest 1) I'm so glad you've followed and loved this story from the start. It means a lot to me. Hope this one meets your expectations. 2) Glad you're still with me and thank you for still reading.