"Arizona...Arizona" I heard Callie saying to me as she gently nudged my shoulder. I opened my eyes and she was kneeling beside me. Her eyes were bloodshot with tears, mascara smudged underneath her eyes.
"Are you okay?" I asked, trying to wake myself up fully after a few blissful moments of a nap. She shook her head slightly and ignored my question.
"Carol wants to talk to you now. I'll wait in my office for you, okay?"
"Sure. I'm sure this won't take long," I said, squeezing her hand. I walked back into the room and sat down. Carol gave me a soft smile.
"Thanks for meeting with me Arizona. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can. I have a few specific things I want to talk about, but lets start with your concerns. Is there anything on your mind? Specifically, anything related to the shooting?" Carol said.
"Well...uh.. I guess I am doing okay. I haven't thought about it much to be honest"
"Why do you think that is?" She asked. I paused for a moment, thinking over the last few days. My mind immediately went to Callie. Our time in the medication room together. Holding her hand for those 12 hours. Making love to her. Eating leftover pizza with her and watching our story unfold on the news. Joe's and the bathroom make out session. I looked at Carol after thinking about all of this, and realized she already knew.
"Callie" I whispered. She nodded, jotting down notes on her paper.
"You two must have had a very strong bond prior to the shooting. For you to think of no one, not even yourself, when Mr. Martin came with the weapon" She said.
"Not really...I mean we were together a lot. But... I don't know I kind of thought my...feelings towards her were one sided" I said.
"Could you elaborate on that, Arizona?" She asked.
"I guess I was just somewhat infatuated with her from the moment I met her. She is one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the country. She cares a lot about her patients and is undoubtedly one of the most passionate people I have ever met. She gives 100% of herself to everything she cares about. I love that. Not to mention the fact that she's completely gorgeous…" Shit, I shouldn't have said that, I thought, "You should see her operate, she is really amazing." I said with a stupid grin on my face.
"So you look up to her? Is that it?" She asked, clearly prodding me.
"I would say that's part of it" She smiled at me, seemingly willing to let it go.
"Back to the incident two days ago, what was going through your mind? Tell me about your emotions"
"At first I was scared. I didn't know definitively where Callie was. After that, I just went on autopilot. I found Callie and brought her to the place I thought she... we would be the safest." I said.
"How about in the medication room? How was that experience?"
"Honestly, it's a blur. I remember Callie shaking next to me. I remember trying to calm her, telling her everything would be okay. There were so many gunshots, so many screams. Truthfully, I was so focused on her and keeping her safe that I didn't have much time to delve into my own fears. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful I am alive. But mostly, I am thankful Callie is alive." She wrote down more notes as I sat quietly. I wonder what Callie told her, if Carol would tell Callie, or anyone else for that matter, what I was saying.
"Arizona, I want you to say, out loud, why you were so fixated on Callie, when your life was equally in danger" Carol said sternly.
"Why does that matter? I saved her life! What else needs to be known?"
"From my experience, and believe me, I have worked with a lot of people involved in psychological trauma situations like this one, acknowledging your feelings, sharing them with me, or someone else, grants you psychological freedom. It doesn't mean you need to act on these feelings, or even validate them. But recognizing the presence of your emotions, is important, especially in a crisis events like this. You need to be able to make sense of this before your brain can begin to process it" She said. I sighed, not wanting to say, out loud, what I have known all along. Knowing she was right, praying this conversation was confidential; I let myself confess to this stranger what I had not allowed myself to say since all of this began,
"I love her. I would have laid my life down for her if it had come to it. I love her." Carol nodded, writing again.
"Thank you, Arizona. I am going to give you some insight into Callie's thoughts now. Is that okay?"
"Please" I said.
"Callie, as you know, is coping with quite a bit of guilt right now. As illogical as it is, she takes responsibility for the casualties that occurred here the other day. She will likely battle with this for quite some time."
"I think that's normal" I replied somewhat defensively.
"Absolutely. However, she has identified you the one person she feels safe with. Not her husband, her other colleagues, her friends or even her mother, but you, Arizona. This makes sense; you probably saved her life the other day. But, this comes with the responsibility of being her rock, her support system, for a while. She needs stability right now, she needs to feel safe, for her own mental health. You provide that security for her. Of course, this is complicated by your relationship. She was more…. forthcoming with the history between you two to be honest" Carol said. I flushed.
"Sorry" I said.
"That's perfectly okay. I encourage you to continue to be a support to her. She needs you, Arizona"
"So what do I do now?"
"You are free to go. Go about your daily business. Show up to work. Carry on with your routine. Just know, that you are more critical to her recovery than you know" She said.
"I am not going anywhere" I said, my voice beginning to shake, "I'm here, for her"
"I know you are, Arizona. I know. Thank you for your time. You are free to go" I stood up to leave, walkig towards the door.
"And Arizona?"
"Yes?" I asked.
"Remember to think about yourself over the next few months. From our conversation today, I sense your feelings towards Dr. Torres are…consuming. Don't let it ruin you."