Roaming through this darkness…I'm alive but I'm alone…part of me is fighting this…But part of me is gone….Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one ,you wanted me to be. I'll never let you down even if I could I'd give up everything If only for your good….So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong, hold me when I'm scared…So love me when I'm gone"-3 Doors down
John was tired, cold and wet. He looked down at the dead hit man. They had found out that he unofficially worked for the CIA and he had been trying to kill a reporter who was writing a story on the CIA and their domestic operations.
John wiped the blood from his nose as he walked away from the body, more than likely the CIA already knew hit man was dead and eventually they'd find out by whom. When that happened he was dreading the retaliation that the CIA would have against him.
As he walked through the rain walking aimlessly while his thoughts drifted. Days like these only served to remind him of the darkness inside of him that he was fighting. No matter what he did or how many numbers he saved he could never regain the part of him that he lost, he only could try and preserve the part that was left.
He could say he was fighting for himself but he knew he wasn't, if it was just him he would probably already let go by now. But now he was fighting for other someone else, he was holding on for her. Deep down he knew he just wanted to make Joss proud of him, even before they developed their unique relationship she had believed that he was a good man.
If he was honest with himself he pushed himself so hard because he didn't want to let her down. But now he might have just set in to motion a retaliatory strike by the CIA. He wasn't sure when they would strike, but he knew that when they did they would strike him where it would hurt the most.
As John heard a car horn he was brought out of his thoughts, as he looked around at his surrounding he realized where he was. He had wandered to the only place where he didn't feel alone. After staring at her front door for a few minutes he walked up her steps and knocked on her door.
After repeatedly knocking on her door for a few minutes she flung the door open ready to yell but she stopped herself when she realized it was him. After she let him in and closed the door she asked if he was okay. He just looked at her, taking in her presence as she berated him about taking care of himself and not staying out of trouble.
As she continued to lecture him he pulled her close and held her, after a few seconds she stopped talking and held him back. He could never describe in words how much he relished her presence and devotion; he couldn't let them take her away from him.
When his enemies came knocking he knew he would give up everything just to keep her safe.