The rest of the weekend was unfortunately, busy. We saw four orthopedic injuries in the next hour alone, and they never stopped coming for the remainder of our time on call. I think Callie and I were both happy to be back to our less chaotic, scheduled routine when Monday came. Not only did we get more sleep, but we at least had our planned time to be just us together, whether that was at lunch or in between surgeries.
Despite our closeness, she continued to shut me out. We talked about everything from the weather, to her childhood, to my rebellious teenage years. She even asked me about my brother again, allowing me to indulge in stories about us eating worms as kids and throwing our first high school party when our parents were in Costa Rica. But two topics were apparently off limits: her relationship with Owen, and her relationship with me. As much as I subtly asked, she would not disclose any information about Owen, or her marriage. The only thing she would say that even gave me the slightest clue to why they were still married, was her desire to have a child. She wanted to have a baby so badly that it hurt to watch sometimes. I wished over and over that I could give Callie everything, but a child was one thing I would never be able to give her.
She never, ever addressed the fact that we were something, anything at all. She never told me how she felt about me. She never told me how she felt about Owen. So here I was, forced to piece together subtle tones of phone conversations and sporadic interactions between the two of them. Furthermore, I held on to the little things, mild expressions that she made, minuscule hints she would drop. Like the way she looked at me in the middle of surgery and I just knew, she was thinking about the sex we had just had at lunch. Or the small, sheepish smile she gave me when I started talking about something I felt really strongly about. Even the way she held onto me, just moments too long, after we made love. These little things made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't the only one head over heels in love here. Maybe, there was a chance that we could really figure all of this out, instead of shoving thing under the rug like we had been for so long now.
Anyway, the rest of the week went by uneventfully. We worked, we ate, we hooked up in inappropriate places. And I loved it. I feel lucky every second I spend with her. When Friday came once again, I was dreading it. We had again spent so many consecutive days together; a weekend apart seemed like too much.
"Are you doing anything fun on you weekend off?" I asked coyly at the end of our surgical day.
"I am going to Miami, remember I told you about that a couple weeks ago?" She said. My heart already began to ache with her impending absence. Man, I thought, I am pathetically whipped.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Is Owen going with you?" I couldn't help but ask.
"No...he has things to do here..." She said vaguely.
Of course, I thought. I couldn't help but feel mildly relieved, though. I hated the thought of them vacationing together, doing anything together, really.
"I'll miss you" She said sweetly. Despite her reluctance to talk about Owen with me, she always sensed when that fact irritated me. And all it took was a cute gesture, or in this case, some nice words to make me forget about it completely.
"Do you have a couple minutes before you have to go?" I asked seductively, locking her office door.
"Mhhmm, yes. But it will have to be quick and dirty" She said quietly, taking my shirt off.
"Of course. Very, very dirty". Smiling, she pulled me in for a kiss and began unzipping my pants. Just as I had started pulling her skirt up and setting her onto her desk, there was a knock at the door.
"Callie? Are you in there?" Owen yelled, knocking on the door.
"Shit" Callie whispered, "Coming!" Thank god I locked the door, realizing at this point I was only wearing a bra and thong. Callie cracked the door open while I hid under her desk, my shirt and skirt loosely covering me.
"Hey Owen. Need something?" Callie said.
"Just wondering if you were heading home soon? I thought we could grab dinner or something. I haven't really seen you in a couple days" Owen said.
"Well, whose fault is that?" Callie said with bitterness in her voice.
"Come on Callie. You know work has been insane with the shooting. I have done almost a dozen operations in the last three days alone!" Owen said.
"You sure that is all you are busy with?" Callie said.
"Don't bring this up now. Please, I just want to spend time with my wife…" Owen said desperately.
"I'm flying to Miami tonight. My parents are worried. They haven't seen me in ages. I have to go." She said.
"I'll fly out tomorrow afternoon. I'll meet you there. Then we can have almost two full days together. That works, doesn't it?" He pleaded. I felt anger bubbling within me.
"Yeah. Yeah that's fine." She said.
"Great! We could use the time to talk..,we haven't for so long. I miss you, Callie" He said. I imagine that he was reaching for her hand, or touching her face. The thought further infuriated me.
"I will see you then okay? Call me tomorrow when you are flying out" She said.
"Will do" he said. I heard a "smooching" sound. They had just kissed, on the lips. While I was here, pitifully hiding under a desk. I felt ill.
Callie shut the door when he left. She crossed her arms and leaned back, resting her head against the door. She rubbed her temple. I crawled out from underneath her desk, suddenly completely aware of my half nudity. Reality, for the first time in the last couple weeks, had slapped me across the face. How long did I expect to carry on with the ridiculousness: the secret sex and me, convincing myself that it means something, anything to her. I felt my face begin to flush with anger.
"I better go" I said, zipping up my pants and tumbling with my shirt.
"Arizona..." She sighed, not even she knew what to say.
"No no, I get it. He's your husband and I am just your scribe slash sex toy. No need to apologize to the sex toy. I will just see myself out". I said, my anger gnawing vigorously in the pit of my stomach.
"It's not like that Arizona and you know it"
"It isn't? Are you sure? Because last I checked, I haven't been told anything different."
"What do you want me to say?" She asked desperately.
"I want you to say that you care! I want you to give me something, anything! Anything that will make me feel like I am not just someone fun to sleep with" I yelled. She lowered her gaze, avoiding my eye contact.
"Can you really not give me that?" I pleaded.
"I can't give you anything, Arizona. I thought you knew that" She said quietly. I felt tears well in my eyes. Feeling completely humiliated, I finished putting on my shirt and grabbed my bag. She stepped aside, letting me walk past her and out the door.