A/N: I love my husband and you are all about to see why, since this day off was his idea. He has as much of a dimented imagination as I do. Maybe more so. Maybe not, but he's pretty damn dimented.
Disclaimer: Guess what? Still not mine.
ShoutOut: To the person who flamed me, annon or whoever the hell you were, I present to you a Turk salute. (all Turks flip off flamer) To be clear on the intent of that manuever, that's a big FUCK YOU from us to you! Get a life, Asshole.
Four black SUVs and three rumbling black Harley Davidson's pulled into the parking lot of the city park. There were a few people there, not too busy for a Sunday afternoon. Mainly just families out for a Sunday picnic. Several of them decided to leave when the saw what poured out of the SUVs and Harley's.
Twenty-four Turks in a variety of dress, ranging from shorts or jeans to pleated mini skirts and capris, sneakers to flip flops. Accompanying the killers were two small children and one 13-year old boy, the children being the spawn of two of the Turks and the boy the brother of another.
Welcome to one fucked up family outting.
Katrina adjusted her shades, still recovering from her traditional Sunday hangover. "Tseng, why the hell are we here?" she asked, grasping at Vincent's clawed arm in an attempt to steady herself.
"Unity," the Wutain answered, helping Rude pull out a cooler of beer and sodas. "Since the team is so new, we need to work on cohesiveness."
"Lard's fairly sticky," Akalara piped up, glaring at the clinically insane Turk in her trademark pleated mini skirt. "We could use that."
Niki pouted and ducked into the back of an SUV to retrieve some of the food and to stop herself from crying.
"That's enough, Akalara," Tseng said sternly. "That's in the past. Moving forward, we are all a team and as such we need to learn to work together."
"Right," Reno said, producing a football and several red pieces of cloth. Rude stood beside him, holding blue pieces of cloth. "Training exercise. Welcome to Turk Flag Football."
The guys whooped in approval, as did a few of the girls. Kandi kicked off her flipflops and grabbed the red cloths out of Reno's hands. "How are we picking teams?" she asked.
Rude smirked at her. "Guys versus girls," he said.
"What?" Ram asked indignantly. "That's hardly fair."
"It will teach the ladies how to work together to defeat someone stronger than them," Tseng told them.
"And it will be shirts versus skins," Reno added with a wicked glare. "The girls will be skins."
"What?!" the girls screamed to the catcalls of the guys.
"It will teach the men how to work through distractions to obtain the goal," Tseng said with a grin. "It's just shirts, Ladies. You can keep the bras on."
"I'm not wearing one!" Niki cried, crossing her arms over her chest when the guys leered at her. "Shut up!"
Elena laughed and pulled her shirt over her head. "Come on, Girls," she said. "It'll be fun! They won't be able to beat us."
"I'm good with it," Nina said with a grin, removing her own shirt.
Kandi shrugged and pulled her shirt over her head as well, smiling at Rude who lowered his sunglasses to get a better look. He shoved Joel when he caught him staring. "Back off," he snarled.
Joel grinned. "Just looking at the goods, Man," he said, winking at Kandi. "Gotta admit, Rude. I'm jealous."
Rude cracked his knuckles and Joel threw up his hands in defeat. Kandi giggled and went to Niki. "Turn around, Sweetie," she said, taking her shirt and lifting up Niki's. She tied the fabric of her shirt around the other girl's breasts and helped her get her own shirt off, while the guys and Nina watched and drooled. "There you go," she said, patting her cheek.
"Oh my gods, please kiss her now," Torr groaned.
Nilto took her kids' hands. "I'm taking the kids to the playground," she said, kissing Randak. "Especially if there is going to be partial nudity involved. Plus, there are about four more girls than guys, so four of us need to bow out to even it up."
N.C. shoved Nate. "We're going, too," she said laughing. "I don't want my kid brother exposed to this sort of...thing."
Nate eyed the bra clad breasts. "I can handle it," he said grinning. "Seriously! I can!"
"Go!" N.C. said, pushing him again. "If you're not too young, then I am!"
Akalara sat down an the sidelines. "I'll sit out, too," she said. "I did just get out of the hospital, after all."
Feather sat down next to Akalara. "I don't like football," she said grinning. "I'll just be a cheerleader."
"Thank you for volunteering, Ladies," Tseng said, watching intently as the rest of the girls took off their shirts. "We'll give you ladies first choice of possession."
"We'll defer to the second half," Brit said, looking at the feet of her team. "Okay, since I'm the only one of you bitches wearing sneakers, I guess I'll kick off."
"Fuck that shit," Kai said, snatching the ball from Reno. "I'll kick...barefooted."
"You'll break your godsdamned toes!" Brit yelled at her.
Kai grinned. "Wanna bet?"
Brit raised her arms in defeat. "Fine, but I'm not carrying your broke toed ass off the field," she answered with a smirk as she stuffed her red flag in the back pocket of her shorts.
The teams consisted of the following people: For the girls, Kandi, Katrina, Ram, Brit, Niki, Elena, Magni, Sil, Nina and Kai. For the guys, Tseng, Vincent, Reno, Rude, Joel Torr, Revan, Sage, Wei and Randak. Since ten people to a team was a little much, they would alternate playing, finding each person's strengths in regards to defense or offense. The guys, unfortunately, had the advantage over the girls, beings that Joel, Randak, Torr, Revan, Sage and Rude had all played football in either high school or college or both, in some cases. And they were fairly big.
But the girls had their own secret weapon...Niki's breasts kept falling out of her makeshift bra, resulting in her squealing and the guys voicing their approval.
"Oh for fuck's sake," Akalara said, getting up from her seat under a tree. "Niki, get your ass over here."
Niki went over timidly, afraid Akalara would hit her or something. If that happened, she was ready to bite...hard. Akalara surprised her by reaching under her own shirt and unclasping her bra, pulling the garment out from under her tank top and handing it to Niki. The green-haired woman smiled kindly at a bewildered Niki. "Use mine," she said. "Just do me a favor and wipe that damn smirk off Reno's face."
Niki returned the smile and nodded, impusively giving her nemesis a quick hug. "Thanks," she said as she scurried off to put on the other woman's bra. She came back a few seconds later and struck a quick pose to the catcalls of the guys.
"Let's get this damn game started!" Magni yelled. Kai took position and sent a spiralling kick straight to the Sage's arms. The pilot ran the ball back into a swarm of half-naked women only to be tripped up by a foot being stuck out. He looked up from his place on the ground and saw Katrina smirking down at him.
"I'm too drunk for this game," she said with a laugh.
Kandi rolled her eyes at Ram and the other woman grinned, casting a quick spell over their tipsy friend. "Esuna," Ram said, watching as Katrina's eyes lost the glazed look and became bright again.
"Damn it, Ram, I hate when you do that!" Katrina said, sober once more. "Fine, let's kick some ass so I can start drinking again."
"You need a fucking intervention," Nina grumbled.
"I need a fucking fifth of Scotch," Katrina said as the ball was snapped and she leapt over the line of scrimmage and sacked the guys' quarterback.
Vincent stared up at her. "This is touch football, not tackle," he said with a smile.
"Right, and I'm touching you with my entire body," she replied. "Are you really complaining?"
"No," he replied. "Just don't protest should I do the same to you."
"I'm not a fucking idiot, Vincent," Katrina said, helping him to his feet.
Line of scrimmage, ball snapped. Fake pass to Revan, handoff to Reno who ran it up the middle right into the shrieking glory of Niki, who clamped her arms around his waist and tackled him to the ground.
"Tackling is not part of flag football!" Tseng exclaimed, lifting Niki off of Reno.
"Ah, come on, Bossman," Reno said, wrapping his arm around Niki. "Let's tackle. We've got Cure materia if anyone gets hurt."
Tseng breathed out an exasperated sigh. "Fine," he said. "But I don't want to hear any complaining about broken nails and messed up hair."
"You shovenistic, sexist PIG!" Elena shrieked at him. Everyone stopped and stared at the blond. She rounded again on Tseng. "You're fucking ass is mine."
Tseng watched as Elena gathered the girls around her and proceeded to plot against him. He went up to his team. "New strategy," he said somewhat nervously. "Protect me from the blond."
The guys snickered as the girls made their way back to the line. The ball was snapped and Vincent pumped once, twice, and sent to ball sailing into Tseng's arms who was met an instant latter with a blurry blond ball, pushing him back a good three yards.
"I said protect me from her!" he yelled, wincing as she kneed him in the groin getting back to her feet. "Team work, Men!"
The girls whooped and yelled as the guys set up to punt. Ram caught the ball and ran it back approximately 30 yards before she was stopped by Sage. Taking their places at the line of scrimmage, the ball was snapped and Sil handed off to Nina who ran it passed the guys for the first down.
"Fuck yeah!" Nina said, flipping Randak off as she tossed the ball back to Sil. "You bastards ain't got nothin' on us!"
"We are getting our asses kicked by girls!" Torr yelled. "Hot girls, but girls nonetheless! This fucking sucks!"
Joel set up in his position of defensive tackle, ready to kill the next person with the ball. Looked like it was going to be a pass play. Sure enough, Sil passed straight into Kandi's waiting arms, but the woman was already sprinting away from him. Revan grabbed her in a tackle, inadvertantly grabbing the strap of her bra and snapping it. Kandi rose to her feet and seethed, fixing the broken strap. "That's a flag!" she yelled at him. "Illegal bra strap!"
"Illegal bra strap?" Rude asked, going to her to make sure she wasn't going to flop out.
"Yeah, we aren't wearing helmets, so no face masks, but if you snap a girl's bra strap, that should be a five yard penalty," she argued.
"Cheating little bitches!" Wei yelled.
"Fuck you, Wei," Brit said, shoving him. "It's a legitimate penalty. We don't have shirts on, remember?"
"Five yard penalty," Tseng said, ending the argument. "That is cancelled out by unsportsman like conduct by Brittany for shoving Wei."
"What?" she shrieked. "Godsdammit, fuck you, Tseng."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Sil shrieked. "Get back here and let's fucking score!"
Line of scrimmage, ball snapped, Sil pumps and sends a gorgeous pass into the endzone right into Torr's hands. Torr runs it back but is leveled by a tag team tackle from Nina and Brit.
"What the hell, Sil?!" Elena screamed. "You fucking missed Kai!"
"Son of a bitch jumped in front of her, Man!" she screamed back. "You think you can do any better, YOU quarterback next possession!"
"Fine, I WILL!"
Feather was jumping up and down on the sidelines. "PASS!" she shrieked as Vincent sent the ball flying to Wei. The small Wutain sprinted down the field and was heading for the end zone when the ground opened up and swallowed half his body.
"Okay, which one of you cheating bitches has the Earth materia?" Joel asked loudly.
"All I got on me is this," Kandi said, activating her Transform materia and casting Mini on Joel. The girls laughed as the 6'1", 235 pound man shrunk to the size of a squirrel. Niki squealed in delight and scooped him up.
"Can I keep him?!" she asked, cuddling him. "Please?!"
Tseng sighed and cast Dispel, returning Joel to normal. Niki pouted at the loss of her new pet. Joel smiled and patted her head, causing the clinically insane Turk to smile happily.
"Who had the Earth materia?" Tseng asked, working to get Wei out of the ground.
Akalara snickered from the sidelines with Feather. "Sorry," she said innocently. "My aim must be off. I guess I need more practice."
They continued playing for nearly two hours. No one scored. A fist fight between Katrina and Sage broke out, along with a long string of curses between Brit and Randak. Nina clothes lined Wei at one point. Niki succeeded in de-pantsing Reno, who had chosen today to go commando. Magni had tackled Torr and tried to administer a vampire bite to his neck in retaliation for stopping her 90 yard punt return. Tseng had finally pinned Elena down to the ground and explained he wasn't a sexist pig, just a realist. The game finally ended when Ram sacked Vincent who got mad enough to clinch the ball too tightly in his clawed hand, puncturing the football.
Joel relocated his disconnected shoulder and smirked at Kai who was doing the same to her ankle. "Some game," he said.
Kai looked up and grinned. "Best one ever," she said, accepting his proffered hand and rising to her feet. "Now, didn't we have food and beer?"
Kandi jumped onto Rude's back and let him give her a piggy back ride back to the sidelines. "FOOD!" she screamed happily.
The food, beer and sodas were distributed to all, Nilto and the kids along with N.C. and Nate returning once the cursing had ceased to reach them at the playground. Reno sat in the midst of his girls, who continued bitching at each other over how they could have scored in the last run. Niki even congratulated Akalara on the sweet aim at Wei with the Earth materia. Akalara praised her on the de-pantsing of Reno. Brit called them both crazy, sadistic bitches and said she was glad to know both of them. Reno simply grinned at his good luck.
Tseng watched his Turks with a proud eye, knowing that this little exercise, if it did nothing else, finally brought them together as the fucked up, disfunctional family they were.
A/N: Hey Family! Also, quick poll...which god/dess/s/es do your Turks swear by? I'm a Shiva girl myself, but I don't want to push my faith on anyone else. Just let me know in your review or by PM. Also, if you want to flip off the flamer...be my guest! (flips off flamer)