A/N: SURPRISE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the bitchin' plot.

She didn't see them coming. All of her recent training, all of her advanced reflexes and she didn't stand a chance. In a matter of moments, she was bound, gagged and blindfolded. Typical Friday night, really; only there was a significant difference.

This was fucking Wednesday!

She was disarmed, robbed of her materia and her katars, then stuffed into the back of an SUV. Magni heard cackling as her captors climbed into the vehicle and turned the volume of the radio up, blasting out 'Get Stoned' and singing along in a very bad off-key harmony. She was going to be tortured...she just knew it.

After about a fifteen minute drive, she felt the vehicle stop and three doors open and shut. The back was opened and she was yanked out and dragged, struggling, down the sidewalk. A door opened and she was shoved inside. Her blindfold was removed and she stared into pitch black darkness. Suddenly, the lights were switched on, her eyes having to adjust to the drastic change and her ears being assaulted with a chorus of voices shouting, "Surprise!"

Magni blinked, her mouth still gagged, her hands still bound as she stared at her co-workers. Holy shit...she was in a bar.

"Happy Birthday, Magni!" Kandi said as she removed her bonds and ungagged her.

Magni turned to her and the other two Amazons. She hit Kandi and Ram with her fists while her foot kicked Katrina in the gut. "Fucking bitches!" she yelled, watching in satisfaction as they gasped for breath, blood running from Ram's lip. She grinned and nodded. "Now, let's party!"

"Gods damn," Kandi gasped. "Tifa! Tequila me!"

Seventh Heaven, home of Tifa Lockheart and Cloud Strife, was now filled wall to wall with costumed Turks. It was an infestation. But they had rented out the bar for the entire night, paying enough to cover her normal Wednesday night crowd plus. Tifa had commandeered Yuffie into helping her out with serving. The ninja, dressed as a Geisha, was currently chatting excitedly with a cat girl Niki, talking about different things that the insane or those close to it talk about. And Cloud, poor Cloud, was dressed as an emo-kid and staring mouth agape at the swarm of his former enemies in his home.

"Relax, Cloud," Tifa said, dressed adorably in a serving wench's costume and nudging him playfully. "They've changed, remember?"

"But there's so many!" he whispered, blinking his black lined eyes. "They're multiplying...like cockroaches."

"Someone say cock?" Katrina asked, taking a bottle of tequila and downing a good quarter of it. Vincent, dressed predictably as a vampire, sidled up beside the dominatrix garbed red-head and smirked at Cloud and Tifa, wrapping his arm around the woman.

"I'm guessing I get to take advantage of you tonight?" he said into her ear.

Katrina grinned. "Oh hell yeah," she answered, kissing him.

Tifa began to cringe as she started watching bottles of her finest liquor being mass distributed and chugged down within minutes. Cloud smirked at her. "Still think this is a good idea?"

Tseng, dressed handsomely in a Zute Suit, smiled and slipped his company credit card over to Tifa. "Charge whatever you want," he told her kindly. "I figure after tonight, you'll need to restock your cellar."

Tifa laughed and nodded. "Thanks, Tseng," she said, sticking her tongue out at Cloud. The blond just grinned and rolled his lined eyes.

Reno, dressed in tight blue jeans, white T-shirt and leather jacket, sauntered over to the juke box. "Hey, yo! Check this shit out! I'm the Fonz! Heeeey!" Reno hit the juke box and smashed the glass, cutting his hand into a bloody mess. "OW! Gods damned mother fuckin' piece of OW!!! SHIT!"

Tseng glanced at Tifa again. "Go ahead and add that and any other damages this lot happens to cause tonight to the bill, please," he said, a tired and worrisome expression covering his face. He turned to Elena. "What possessed us to take the children out?"

Elena, dressed as a flapper, laughed and kissed his cheek. "Magni's birthday," she said sweetly. "Plus, it's a learning experience."

Tseng leaned over and whispered in her ear. "I think you and I should cut out early," he said, trailing his tongue over her ear.

The blond woman grinned impishly. "Feeling a migraine coming on?" she teased.

He grinned and kissed her smiling lips. "Something like that," he answered.

Niki was at the bar, downing shots with Feather just as fast as Yuffie could pour them, the ninja laughing her head off as she snuck a couple drinks too. Brit and Akalara were playing their drinking game with Torr and Revan, everyone drinking a shot when someone said a curse word. They were going to be smashed in a matter of minutes since the conversation went a little something like this:

Revan (dressed as a pair of chopsticks): Hey Ak, show Torr your damn tits! (shot)

Akalara (dressed as a hooker): Fuck you, Sushi Boy! Show Brit your fucking cock, you dick licking, pussy faced, ass fucker! (shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)

Brit (dressed as a bun): Fuck that shit! I've seen damn Torr's fucking cock and I know for a fucking shit-eating fact that his is bigger! (shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot)

Torr (dressed as a hot dog): Damn straight, Bitch! (shot, shot)

Revan: Fuck all you fuckin' fuckers! (shot, shot, shot)

Cloud quietly sat another two bottles of whiskey down in front of them, snickering to himself. He had a feeling the costumes would be coming off in less than an hour. The only one not in costume was the birthday girl herself, having been abducted to this party to begin with. But, she lost her suit jacket, tie and dress shirt, leaving her in just her pants and undershirt. She tied her tie around her head and said she was a really sucky ninja.

"Hey! You're Yuffie!" Reno laughed, not being quick enough to duck the glass thrown at him from said ninja/Geisha.

"Reno, you cock-sucking fucktard!" she screamed as Niki giggled and Feather, dressed as Little Bo Peep, blushed.

"Fuck you, Ninja Bitch!" Reno yelled back. He studied her. "Or Geisha bitch...whatever. Fuck you!"

The drinking game quad finished an entire bottle after those two lines, starting to sway in their chairs.

Kai and Joel were dancing together by the juke box Sage had managed to salvage and put back together. Joel was dressed as a mythical warrior, Kai as an Ancient priestess. Sage was dressed as, alarmingly, The Chocobo Sage. Ram had dressed as a sexy chocobo, covering various parts of her body with bright green feathers and leaving the rest of her skin bare. Sage had clamped a collar around her neck when she came in, telling her he was going to ride her later.

Kandi was dressed as a Goth Queen and sitting in the lap of Rude, who had on simply and pair of black leather pants and his sunglasses. The tattoos that decorated his upper arms and back displayed proudly. When asked what he was, he simply replied, "Whatever my Mistress wishes me to be," eliciting a very happy smirk from Kandi.

N.C. was dressed as an undead cheerleader and sneaking drinks with Nina, the pirate and Silhouette, dressed as a witch. Wei was late, but he walked through the doors wearing a white lab coat, black pants and black-rimmed glasses, black extensions added to his hair which was pulled into a ponytail.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" Akalara asked as she and the other three downed another shot.

Wei grinned. "I'm Hojo!" he said.

Vincent snarled and drew Cerberus, sending three bullets into Wei's chest. Wei fell to the ground, dead. Nilto, dressed as a belly dancer, rolled her eyes and activated her Full Life materia, reviving the now blood soaked Hojo.

Vincent grinned evilly, eyeing the blood on lab coat and the three holes in the fabric. "Much better," he said, taking a drink of his red wine.

Katrina giggled as she kissed him tenderly. "Fucking bastard, hurting my baby," she said. "Now if only someone would dress like Lucrecia, I'd kick her ass for what she did to you."

Vincent ran his human hand over her face. "In the past," he said, kissing her gently.

Randak, dressed as a silver wizard, went to Nilto and gave her a glass of wine. "Since the kids are with your mom," he said into her ear. "I'm going to get your ass wasted and fuck your brains out tonight."

Nilto grinned. "You better," she answered.

Black was dressed as Zorro, sitting beside Feather and flirting terribly with her. Widdow, dressed in a sparkling webbed gown, had found a place with N.C., Nina and Silhouette, hitting shot after shot.

The liquor ran freely and the music pumped loudly. Elena looked at Tifa. "Where are the kids?" she asked loudly.

"With Barret," she replied, cutting some more limes and sliding them over to Kandi and Rude. "He took them to the Gold Saucer for the week."

Elena nodded and accepted another drink. Niki got up from the bar and stumbled over to the bathroom, giggling drunkenly. Feather turned her full attention to Black, nodding shyly as he asked if she wanted to dance. Reno sauntered over the bar in front of Yuffie and smirked.

"What do you want, Reno?" she sighed.

"Heeeey, I'm the Fonz," he said, pointing to himself with his thumbs. "Call me Fonzie."

"No."

"Do it, Yuffie."

"Fuck you, Reno."

"You know, you're cute when you curse," he said with a grin.

In spite of herself, Yuffie blushed. "Whatever," she said, setting a glass in front of him and pouring him a shot. "Get lost...Fonzie."

Reno tweaked her nose. "Thanks, Sweetheart," he said with a wink. Yuffie giggled and shook her head, her gaze inadvertently going to his ass as he walked away. He turned around and caught her staring, laughing at her as she blushed indignantly.

There was a line starting to form for the ladies room.

Magni stumbled over to Tseng and Elena, throwing her arms around her Wutain boss. "Thanks so much for this, Sir," she said with a grin. "No one's ever really thrown me a birthday party before."

Tseng chuckled and reached into this suit pocket, retrieving an envelope. He bent down and kissed Magni on the cheek. "Happy Birthday, Magni," he said, handing it to her. "It's from us all."

Magni blushed, her cheek still tingling where Tseng had kissed her. She opened the envelope, revealing a gift card. "Thanks," she said smiling.

Elena hugged her, whispering in her ear. "Fifty-thousand."

"Holy shit!" Magni gasped, looking at Tseng. "Seriously?!"

Tseng nodded. "Have fun with that," he said, downing another shot. His phone rang and he took it out of his jacket, looking at the caller ID. "Excuse me."

The line for the ladies room consisted of half of the female Turks now. And there was a puddle of water coming from underneath the door. "Oh shit," Kai said, stepping back. "Uh...Reno?"

Reno looked over at the blue-haired woman. "Heeeey, Mrs. S," he said suavely walking over to her. He eyed the puddle. "What's a'matter? Couldn't hold it, Marge?"

Kai hit him. "I think Niki's in there," she said.

"LIFESTREAM, COME FORTH!"

Reno turned toward the door, paling as he realized that was Niki's voice he heard. He pounded on the door. "Niki-chan," he said. "Baby, let me in."

"NO! The Cetra will be mad at me if I let a simple sentient being behold the Lifestream in it's natural state!"

Reno grabbed Kai. "I have an Ancient Priestess with me!" he told her, motioning for Rude to come over and help him. "Situation, Partner!"

Rude set Kandi on a barstool and went toward the ladies room. With one simple kick from his foot, the door opened, allowing them entrance. There stood Niki, in all her adorable kitty glory, flushing the toilet and saying, "Cetran children, come forth from your toilety grave! I release you from your porcelain prison!"

Rude snorted as Reno doubled over and laughed. "Niki-chan," he gasped out. "Wh-what are you doing?"

Niki looked at the two men and shrieked. "Get out of the women's bathroom!" she yelled, pushing them back. "The Lifestream won't come out if there is penis present!"

"Are you...summoning the Lifestream...from the toilet?" Rude asked, trying suppress a smile.

"Of course," she answered with her hands on her hips. "What else would I be doing in a bathroom?"

"How about using it?" Kai screamed from the doorway. "Some of us really have to go!"

Reno hadn't been able to stop laughing. He went to Niki and helped her out of the bathroom, barely stepping back in time to avoid being run over by Kai as she rushed in. "Niki-chan, I think you've had enough to drink," he told her, kissing her forehead gently. "Let's see if we can't get you some coffee and a little cake, aight, Babe?"

Niki jumped up and down excitedly. "Yay! Cake!"

Reno looked over at Rude. "How 'bout it, Buddy? You and Kandi want to join us for cake?" he asked, noticing the vein on the side of Rude's face was twitching. Reno followed Rude's shaded line of vision. "Oh...fuck."

Niki tilted her head to the side and stared. "Uh...huh?" she asked, scratching her head.

Sitting where he had left her was Kandi. His hands grasping her face tenderly as his lips closed over hers was Joel. Reno tried to grab Rude as he stalked over to the pair, but ended up falling flat on his face. He raised up just in time to see Rude, back muscles flexed, pulling Joel away from Kandi.

"What the hell is going on?" he snarled.

Joel simply gave him a shit-eating grin. "Maybe if you took the shades off once in a while, you could see better," he said, running a hand up Kandi's arm.

Rude sent his fist flying at Joel's face, then slowly removed his sunglasses, staring down at the slightly shorter man with his piercing brown eyes. "Why are you kissing my girl?" he growled.

Joel rubbed his jaw, having barely stumbled from Rude's punch. "She looked lonely," he said, tilting her chin up with his fingers. "Plus, how can any guy, drunk or sober, resist those lips?"

Rude glanced over at Kandi who was completely beaming at the soon to be male fight over her affections. He smirked, not going to give her the satisfaction. "True," he said, slapping Joel on the shoulder. "They look even better wrapped around my cock."

"Hey!" Kandi said indignantly. Joel laughed and went back to Kai once she returned from the ladies room. Kandi glared at Rude. "That wasn't very nice."

Rude, still without his sunglasses, stared into her eyes. "Neither was coming out here and seeing my girl making out with another guy," he growled.

She grinned sheepishly and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Fine," she told him sweetly. "Next time, I'll make sure it's another girl, all right?"

Rude grinned and put his sunglasses back on. "Yes, Mistress," he replied, silencing her giggles with a kiss.

"We have a winner!" Widdow yelled over the noise, pointing to a very drunk, very unconscious N.C. "She passed out first!"

The entire bar cheered, the opening of the front door going undetected by all save the one who had received the phone call. Tseng nodded to the new guest and cleared his throat, tapping his glass. "Ladies and gentlemen," he began.

"Where?" Sage asked, causing the group to laugh.

"That will do, Sage," the newest arrival said. The entire bar turned to see the President making his way through his Turks, dressed regally as nothing less than a king. He carried in his arms a gown and a crown to match his. "Tell me, Tseng, where is the birthday girl?"

Tseng smiled and went to Magni, taking her hand in his and leading her to Rufus. He bowed slightly. "My lord," he said, succeeding in suppressing a snicker.

Magni stared up at Rufus, her eyes sparkling at the handsome President. Rufus took her hand in his and bowed over it, laying a very gentle kiss to her fingers. "Tonight, my lady," he said, his voice deep and husky. "You shall be my queen."

A collective sigh from the female Turks, Tifa and Yuffie went up, all of them staring dreamily at the blond king. Rufus chuckled and turned to the Turks. "I need two ladies, please," he said.

The females rushed forward, Yuffie even jumping over the bar to try to get to him. Rufus smirked. He chose Ram and Silhouette, handing the first the gown and the latter the crown. "Take my lady and prepare her for me," he ordered. "Assist her in her dress."

He turned back to Magni, kissing her hand again. "I will wait for you," he said with a smile.

Magni had the sudden urge to faint. She had never fainted before in her life, but right now, it sounded pretty damn good. She followed the other two women and quickly got dressed.

The bar had become rowdy again by the time she finished, but quieted down once she appeared. The gown fit her perfect, her crown arranged atop her head. Sil had managed to twist her auburn hair up into a very fetching up do. Rufus looked at her, a smirk covering his face. He leaned down and kissed her lips. "You look beautiful, Magni," he told her softly.

Another sigh from the females and if eye rolls could have been choreographed, the men had succeeded in doing it. Rufus offered his queen his arm, leading her out of the bar and to his waiting white limo. He stopped at the door. "Oh and Tseng," he called back.

"Yes, Sir?"

Rufus arched an elegant eyebrow, his eyes flicking over to Magni. "Don't expect her at work tomorrow," he said. He was answered by an uproar of catcalls and whistles, Magni's head thrown back in laughter as her king escorted her out to his 'carriage'.

She had never had a birthday quite like this one.

A/N: Happy Birthday, Kd Zeal! I love ya, Girl!