The next few weeks following Callie and I's...separation, if you could even call it that, were a blur. The initial shock of being left in her office lasted a few hours, enough time for me to stumble into Joe's and drink myself into an oblivion. Teddy found me late that night, drunkenly slouched over the bar, a fifty dollar bill and 8 empty shot glasses in front of me. She brought me home, and that's when the tears came. I cried, sobbed and shook until I was too weak to produce another tear. There are no words to describe what I went through that first night. I never knew a person could feel so low, so unloved, so forgotten that life itself became nothing more than a burden. I wanted to crawl away, somewhere dark, where I would never be loved, touched or even acknowledged again. Because with all of these things, came loss. And my heart could not bear another loss.
Calliope Torres had sapped every tear, every ounce of energy, every ounce of happiness I ever had, out of me. I laid in bed for the next few weeks, only getting up to pee and on the rare occasion, eat or drink something. I didn't cry. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I barely even slept. I just, laid there, a vault of my old self.
Occasionally, I would let my mind wander to better times. The first time I saw Callie, voluptuous and confident, strutting out of the locker room towards me. The first time I saw her operate, her delicate hands working their magic. The first time we made love, the shower raining down on us as my hands explored her immaculately soft skin. The day of the shooting, being locked in the medicine closet with her for over eight hours, calming her, holding her for to me for the first time. The way she would look at me during surgery. Her naked body under me. Moments when I was so caught up in her, that everything else became irrelevant. She had that hold on me; she made my world stop.
But all of these memories were so exquisitely painful, that I only let these thoughts come through when I needed something to make me feel alive. Because lying in bed, knowing that I may never see Callie again, made me feel so empty that I thought my chest may collapse on itself. More than once, I checked my pulse, sure I had entered purgatory, only to be disappointed that this was in fact, my new reality.
During those few weeks, Teddy was an exceptional friend. She called Hopkins and begged them to give me my spot back in their medical school class that I had turned down weeks ago. She ever tried to take my phone and call Callie to tell her to call Hopkins. But that sent me into a sobbing rage, begging her to leave me alone and never speak her name again. She had sent Henry in to talk to me, but I was even less responsive to him. Like i said, I was a shell of myself. My former bouncing, bright, positive self had been replaced by vast sorrow and emptiness.
Every crevice, every inch of me longed for Callie. I didn't even try to carry on with my life; I knew nothing could fill the holes Callie had left within me.
About three weeks before I was about to start medical school, I heard Teddy whispering on the phone. Teddy had been whispering on the phone a lot lately. As apathetic as I was to anything at that point, I did stretch my hearing to listen to what she was saying. I was sure she had said Tim.
Less than an hour later, Teddy was in my room. her presence somewhat surprised me; she hadn't tried to talk to me in more than a few days now. I knew that she was beginning to realize how helpless this situation was.
"Arizona, it's time to get up" Teddy said.
She had tried the tough love approach with me already this week. I wish she would realize how utterly meaningless it was to over analyze this situation, to try to come up with a technique that would 'fix me'. It was really quite simple: Callie wasn't here, and nothing could fix that.
"Please, Arizona. It has been over three weeks since you left the apartment. I need you to get up and try to...I don't know...shower? Or something? Your brother is going to be here in less than an hour" I sat up, moving more quickly than I had in weeks.
"You called my brother? Seriously Teddy, he has better things to do than see me"
"Arizona, he has been calling me daily since you abruptly stopped communicating with him three weeks ago. Don't you think he realized something was up?" I laid back down, suddenly overwhelmed again by loneliness. Teddy sat closer to me, putting her hand on my knee.
"You can't go on like this. You just can't. We start medical school in less than three weeks. You have to figure out a way to get back on your feet because we are about to get our asses handed to us in school and studying. Tim is the most important person i your life, let him help you" I felt my lip quiver, tears threatening to fall again. I pulled my comforter closer to my face. Teddy sighed in defeat.
"This is you final hour of moping, Arizona. When Tim gets here, we are starting fresh, okay? We are going to turn this around" She shut the door behind her. I sank back into bed, wishing for the thousandth time today alone that I could rewind to three weeks ago, hell three months ago. I almost wish I could go back to the time before Callie and I had acknowledged our feeling for one another. At least then I could be near her, hear her voice.
I knew Tim wouldn't let me off the hook. He would make me get up, even if he had to bring in a tractor to do so. Slowly, I pulled the covers off myself and rolled out of bed. I felt exposed to the world and instantly wanted to retreat to the safety of my bed. But I didn't. I couldn't let Tim see me this way. I went to the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror; I had clearly lost weight, presumably muscle mass. I was no longer standing in the OR for hours on end, chasing Callie around the hospital. All the while, my eating habits had become minute.
Stepping into the scolding hot water almost hurt initially, my skin hypersensitive. But as I let the water wash over me, burn my skin, my mind raced to the first time Callie and I made love. Water dripping down her perfectly bronzed back, kissing her glistening lips, feeling her mouth on my neck. I could almost feel it all, until another wave of sorrow crested and washed through my soul. Never again would I feel Callie beneath my fingertips. I felt myself crumple, falling to the sitting position on the shower floor. I need her so desperately I wanted to scream.
"Arizona! It's Tim. Are you alive in there?" Tim yelled, pounding on the door. Teddy had probably told I'm I should be on a suicide watch. Ugh.
"Coming!" I shut off the shower, trying to pull myself together. Somehow, I looked no better after showering than I did pre-shower, but at least I was clean. I brushed through my matted hair and dried myself off. Good enough. I threw on jeans and an old shirt, letting my wet hair soak the back of my shirt. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
"Hey sis!" Tim said. He was sitting on my bed, looking as cheery as ever, except the slightest look of concern in his eye that only I would ever recognize.
"Hi" I said, already feeling the tears welling in my eyes. Tim pulled me into him, hugging me tightly.
"No more of this, okay? We are done crying and we are done lying in bed. You and I are going to the salon to get your hair done. Then we are going to the grocery store and buying a shit ton of ice cream" Tim said confidently.
"Why am I getting my hair done? And why are we buying ice cream?" I asked.
"Honestly, I googled 'how to get over a break up' on the way here. Apparently new hair cuts and ice cream are popular remedies" He said. I couldn't help but break a smile.
"You're sweet" I said.
"I know. Come on, we have an appointment down the street in 15 minutes"