Disclaimer: I can jiggle if I want to, I can leave my bra behind, but Yu-Gi-Oh! still wouldn't be mine.

"You can look away
But you can't disguise
The light that shines so brightly
Is gone from your eyes
It wasn't my mistake
It's nothing you did wrong
Sometimes learning to surrender
Is the same as being strong."

~Letting Go, Joe Cocker

Chapter 22

Alistair spent the walk back to the apartment complex trying to pull himself together. It had been far harder than he ever could have imagined turning his back on Seto knowing that it would be for good. He'd been sorely tempted to give in to his initial instinct which had been to throw himself into Seto's arms and never let go again, but he'd been strong enough to resist. The right choice isn't always the easy choice, he reminded himself.

"Seto?" Mokuba said questioningly, tentatively entering his brother's home office. It had been almost two and a half hours since returning from the city alone, but although Alistair had clearly not come with him, Seto was not acting like a man who'd been rejected and it made Mokuba nervous.

"Not now, Mokuba; I'm busy," Seto replied without looking up from his computer screen.

"Don't you want to know how the tests at the lab went?"

"Did you solve the issue with the heating system?"

"No, but—."

"Then I don't care."

"Are you alright?" Finally, Seto looked up at his brother who was wearing the expression of a person trying to very carefully make their way through a maze of rickety shelves loaded with porcelain figurines.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" It was his way of telling Mokuba not to ask questions. Mokuba got the message.

"No reason I guess…" He started to slink away.

"Mokuba." The teen stopped dead in his tracks and turned back around. "Would you be willing to take over for me on Tuesdays and Thursdays for a while?" It was so out of the blue that a startled Mokuba said yes before he'd really stopped to think about it. "Good."

"Um…Why?" Seto smirked.

"There's a class at the university that I want to take."

Ryou had been certain that Alistair wouldn't come back, or at least, not as his boyfriend, but when the redhead finally made it home almost two hours after he'd left, the first thing he did was pull the Brit in for a kiss, the presence of Joey and Yugi irrelevant to him.

"What did Kaiba want?" Joey asked the second Alistair and Ryou broke apart.

"He and I had some unfinished business to attend to," Alistair answered without looking at him, one hand still cupping Ryou's face.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"That's not really any of our business," Yugi pointed out quietly.

"I'm just curious. Kaiba barged in here uninvited and dragged one of my buddies off; I think I have a right to ask a couple of questions." It took Alistair a moment to process the fact that Joey considered him a 'buddy.'

"It's fine," Alistair said, turning to the other two at last. "He and I just needed closure after everything that happened with Dartz, that's all."

"How'd he know you were here?"

"Hey Joey: is there any more pizza or did you eat it all?" Ryou cut in swiftly.

"Uh, there might be a couple of slices left," Joey answered, sounding confused by the sudden change in topic.

"How did Mai's interview go?" Alistair asked in an attempt to further distract the blonde from his initial questions about Seto, taking a seat beside him on the floor.

"She was terrific," Joey said proudly. "The guy who was interviewing her was trying to make the whole thing about her looks, but she turned it around and started talking about her dueling and about how she wished that there were more amazing female duelists and stuff like that. And she talked about me too, and said that I was the one that helped her realize that only dueling for glory and prizes isn't as fulfilling as dueling for the people you care about. Pretty cool, huh?"

"She did mention Yugi, too," Ryou reminded him.

"Yeah, but no offence Yug, we all know she was mostly talking about me!"

"No one's going to deny that Joey," Yugi laughed.

"When does she get back?" Alistair asked, though he only half cared. He hadn't seen Mai since the two of them worked for Dartz and wasn't sure he really wanted to. He'd never liked her, though that admittedly was probably mostly Valon's fault since he never stopped talking about her and had put her on a pedestal that she'd hardly deserved.

"Oh, yeah, you two know each other, don't you?" Yugi said. Alistair nodded. Joey, who'd completely forgotten Alistair's connection to Mai, suddenly narrowed his eyes.

"You better not try anything with her," he warned him. It was Alistair's turn to be confused.

"Um…" Just then, Ryou rejoined the group, bringing with him two microwaved slices of pepperoni pizza on a plate. As soon as the Brit sat beside the redhead on the floor and rested a hand on his leg, Joey realized how silly his statement had been.

"I'm sure Alistair wouldn't dream of trying anything with Mai," Yugi said with a straight face.

"I don't mean anything sexual," Joey quickly backtracked, "I just mean: don't try to give her any ancient magical seals or try to brainwash her, cuz I'm not sure I could handle having to go through that again."

After Joey and Yugi left two hours later, Ryou finally had the opportunity to ask Alistair what had happened between him and Kaiba.

"He drove us up to Kaiba Land so that we could talk without anyone being able to overhear us and he basically told me that because Mokuba did some investigating he now believes what I told him from the start which is that I didn't betray him. Then he told me that he wants me back as though he expected me to just because he suddenly changed his mind, as though I don't have my own feelings and only have the capacity to love him. So I told him that I've moved on and that he should too. Then I left." Ryou felt that he should be happy that Alistair had chosen him over Kaiba, but he didn't believe it somehow. Alistair still sounded far too angry at the CEO to be completely over him. He took a deep breath.

"If you wanted to go back to him I would understand." Alistair was completely taken aback.

"Of course I don't," he said quickly, putting his hands on Ryou's shoulders. "I read somewhere that if you have to choose between two people you should choose the second because if you truly loved the first you never would have fallen for the second, and I believe that. Besides, the problems that he and I had were bigger than just that one fight, not that I think he ever really understood that."

"I just don't want you to come to regret choosing me."

"No matter what ends up happening between us, I would never regret being with you." He leaned in and captured Ryou's pale lips with his.

The Next Day

Ryou, despite Alistair's assurances to the contrary, was not quite ready to believe that Seto was completely out of the picture, but he'd been with the redhead long enough now that he wasn't willing to go down without a fight. But first, he decided to do what he ought to have done from the start: read his fortune.

"I'll be right back," he told Alistair, who was lying spread-eagled on his back on the bed in the same position he'd been in since lying down over twenty minutes prior.

"Where are you going?" he asked, attempting to sit up only to realize his left foot had fallen asleep.

"Just out to the living room," he explained, removing Sewell from his lap and placing her beside the redhead on the bed before getting up from his desk chair and stretching, his white and blue striped shirt riding up enough to flash a sliver of his flat stomach.

He retrieved his dueling deck from the bottom drawer of the bedside table and left the room without offering any further explanation. Alistair decided against following him; he knew what the Brit was up to and that he liked to be alone while he did it.

Ryou cleared a space on the floor in front of the TV and carefully placed his deck on the ground before closing his eyes and attempting to clear his mind. It took longer than usual given all of the thoughts running through his head. Finally, after almost ten minutes of meditating only one thought remained. He opened his eyes and removed the top three cards, placing them in a row on the faded brown carpet. He flipped the first card, the card that would reveal to him his past.

It was the Curse of Darkness trap card. That was fitting. Thanks to the spirit of the Ring he'd certainly felt as though he'd been cursed with eternal darkness and a life where he'd always have to hide in the shadows alone. He flipped over the second card, the card that would reveal his present.

The Book of Life magic card that he turned up made him smile, and reminded him of the day he'd finally worked up the courage to talk to the handsome library employee he'd been so enamored with. Alistair truly had breathed new life into him and instilled in him a confidence he never thought he'd be capable of feeling. His smile faded as he turned to the third card, however; he was always hesitant to see his future because for the last five years, the future had never had anything pleasant in store for him, and he had no reason that it would this time either. But he also wanted to know so that he could prepare himself for it. He took a deep breath and flipped over the third and final card. He cautiously looked down at it. To his relief, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

He was sure that the Dragon Zombie monster card revealed precisely what he'd suspected all along. The dragon of course, was an allusion to Kaiba, and the fact that it was a zombie referred to the fact that despite Alistair claiming he had laid his feelings for the CEO to rest, he had not, and those buried emotions would flare up again in the not so distant future. Still, that was far from a death sentence and was something he could work with.

Ryou had enough experience with fortunetelling to know that while the past and for the most part the present were set in stone, the future was constantly being re-shaped by a person's actions. He probably couldn't prevent Kaiba from haunting their relationship; however he could take strides to prevent the duelist from decisively coming between them.

Having completed his reading, Ryou shuffled his deck and returned to the bedroom. Alistair was now lying on his stomach working on his biology homework with a frown on his face, constantly flipping through his textbook as he attempted to correctly answer the complex questions his worksheets posed.

"Can you take a break?" Ryou asked, returning his deck to its drawer and sitting beside Alistair, causing the mattress to dip slightly.

"I just got started," Alistair answered vaguely, beginning to scribble a response to a particularly finicky exercise. After lying in bed and over-analyzing his meeting with Seto the previous night for over a half an hour, he'd decided that homework would be the best and most productive way to distract himself. Ryou assumed as much, but he was determined to begin working on rewriting his future as soon as possible.

He waited for Alistair to momentarily set his pencil down and begin to read through the next question before shifting so that he was effectively sitting on the redhead's lower back. As strange as the night had been, what with both of them actively avoiding mentioning Kaiba, and as much as he felt he ought to focus on something other than his love life, having sex with Ryou was undeniably more desirable than working on his biology homework.

"I guess I could take a break," Alistair relented, closing the book and awkwardly setting it aside given that the Brit was still sitting on top of him. Ryou leaned down and began massaging the muscles in Alistair's upper back, causing the redhead to sigh in pleasure and rest his head on his arms as Ryou's slim fingers continued to work out the knots of tension between his shoulder blades.

"You know," the Brit commented, his hands not leaving Alistair's back, "I do believe that this is the first time I've been on top."

"And?"Alistair asked, indicating that he wanted to roll over, curious to see where Ryou was going with his statement given that they hadn't talked about it since the first and only time Alistair had requested it. Ryou allowed him to roll over before reaching out to lightly pin his arms over his head.

"I rather enjoy having you at my mercy."

"Do you?" Ryou nodded before beginning to laugh given that Alistair could easily overpower him. He had no idea how or if he could pull off being the 'top', but he was going to do his best since that was what Alistair wanted.

He leaned down in order to kiss first the redhead's mouth and then the side of his neck where he experimentally and as gently as possible kneaded the soft skin with his teeth. Alistair closed his eyes and gave into the sensation, falling easily back into the role he was much more accustomed to, though he admittedly wasn't certain how well Ryou would be able to pull his role off.

Ryou began to pull the redhead's tight black muscle shirt up as he continued to lick and nip around the nape of his neck, careful to leave a bruise. Alistair momentarily sat up in order to remove his shirt as well as to pull the Brit's loose T-shirt over his head, exposing the creamy skin of his chest, and to unbuckle and unthread his brown leather belt which he tossed off the side of the bed before lying back down, pulling Ryou along with him.

As the reality of what he was supposed to be gearing to do fully hit him, Ryou felt nerves beginning to work their way into his system. What if he wasn't any good? He was going to be compared to Seto Kaiba, who was, he could only assume, perfect in every way.

There was a pause in which they just lay looking at each other, Alistair tucking a strand of Ryou's silvery hair behind his ear. It was in that moment that Ryou strengthened his resolve. Perhaps he would surprise himself and not be so terrible after all.

As much as he was loathe to do so, the Brit found himself feeding off of the confidence that the Spirit of the Ring had so often displayed. The dark spirit had been able to imitate him, now he would imitate the spirit.

Alistair saw the change in Ryou's amber eyes, one moment so timid, the next, commanding.

As they continued to heavily make out, Ryou reached down to unbutton Alistair's jeans, which turned out to be more difficult to manage one-handed than he'd thought and he eventually had to sit up and use both hands to undo the buttons and pull the zipper down.

At this point, Alistair closed his eyes and leaned back in anticipation. Ryou, however, couldn't relax. He'd never given a blowjob before because Alistair had never requested it of him. He knew what to do, and even how to do it, but that was only in theory—a far cry from applying knowledge in real life. He started by sliding Alistair's pants down his hips. Soon the redhead's pants and underwear joined his shirt and belt on the floor. Tucking his long hair behind his ears, Ryou leaned down and ran the tip of his tongue along the taught skin of Alistair's lower stomach, working himself up to taking him into his mouth.

He hadn't gone down more than an inch before the redhead hissed in pain.

"Ryou," he gasped. "Your teeth!" Ryou stopped immidietely.

"I'm so sorry!" he apologized quickly. "Are you alright?"

"It's fine, just be careful." Any confidence he'd managed to muster gone, Ryou went back down on him. He put so much concentration into making sure his incisors didn't nick Alistair's skin that he forgot to think about anything else and overall he realized he'd done a poor job after the redhead told him to stop. It was then he realized that not only had he failed to give good head, he wasn't going to be able to go any further.

Embarrassed and ashamed, he suddenly turned his back on Alistair and put his head in his hands.

"I can't," he said, sounding distraught, his voice slightly muffled. Though his initial emotion was disappointment, Alistair nevertheless sat up and put an arm around Ryou who still wouldn't look at him.

"It's ok." Alistair's tone was reassuring and the Brit finally turned.

"No, it's not ok! I can't do what it is you want, and even if I could, who's to say he wouldn't still be better?" Alistair felt a flicker of annoyance towards Ryou for continuing to compare himself to Seto.

"I told you already that I don't compare the two of you." He was regretting allowing Ryou to try this on the back of Seto's unforeseen reappearance in his life.

"I know you don't, but after he came here yesterday I couldn't help but think that I needed to do this so that you wouldn't go back to him…The cards warned me that—."

"Ryou, you have got to stop putting so much stock in those cards! I'm not saying that it doesn't work, but by trying to predict your future you turn what you see into a self-fulfilling prophesy."

Alistair had never been angry with him before and Ryou sorely wished that he hadn't mentioned Kaiba.

"I just don't want to lose you," he said morosely, throwing his arms around the redhead's neck. "I love you!" The unexpected declaration left Alistair reeling. What could he say to that? Did he love Ryou? Could he love Ryou considering that, as Seto had pointed out, he had been so tempted to return with the brunette to the mansion and that a large part of him had wanted nothing more than to allow himself to once again experience waking up next to the CEO, surrounded by the intoxicating smell of his musky cologne?

The momentary hesitation was all the answer Ryou felt he needed. His eyes filling with tears, he once again turned his back on Alistair and began crying into his palms.

"I'm sorry," Ryou apologized shakily. "I didn't mean to cry. Now you'll feel bad and that wasn't my intention. You're not obligated to love me." Still, despite his words, tears continued to leak from between his fingers. Alistair didn't know whether to comfort the Brit or not. He too had been in this situation once, declaring his love for someone who had not said it back. He did not want to be as callous towards Ryou as Seto had been towards him, but he wasn't sure it would be appropriate to console him either. Above all, he didn't want to lie.

"I should be the one apologizing to you. I knew that I still loved him when I kissed you that day and I had no right to do that, but I liked you and I was afraid that if I didn't do it then I'd never get the chance to. That was selfish of me.

I still really like you, and I still want to be with you, but I'm not sure that that would be fair to either of us until I'm over him for real. But that decision is up to you. If you want me to stay I promise that I'll do my best to make you happy, but if you don't, I completely understand."

Ryou was torn. He'd never felt about anyone else the way he felt about Alistair. Alistair was the first person in a very long time that had shown him kindness and offered him true friendship. Alistair made him feel worthy of companionship and had never once made him feel like a freak. But he also sometimes made Ryou worry that the dream would end, and that was stressful and sad.

He knew that Alistair was right when he said that staying together wouldn't necessarily be fair to either of them, but what if Alistair was his one chance not to be alone? Who else would want to be with him? No one else knew about the Millennium Items which meant he'd have to lie and pretend that he agreed with his psychiatrist's evaluation, but beyond even that, he knew that he was weird. Alistair accepted all his little quirks like spending time in the cemetery and using his Duel Monster's cards to read his future, but who else would?

The uncertainty of a future without Alistair in it caused Ryou to start to say that yes, he wanted things to stay just as they were, but right before the words left his lips he changed his mind. Had his time with the Spirit taught him nothing? He had to be strong.

"You're right," he said finally, his breathing still uneven. "This was a bad idea from the start and we should have known better. I should have known better…But I was so happy to think that finally, someone liked me; I thought no one ever would. And I'm really scared that no one will again, but I'm willing to take that risk on the off-chance that one day someone who isn't conflicted will." As soon as he said it, he collapsed into a fresh bought of crying. Getting teary-eyed himself, Alistair pulled Ryou into a hug.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he said huskily. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you. You're the most beautiful, kind, selfless person I've ever met. You've had terrible things happen to you but you never let them break your spirit like I did. You're one of the best friends that I've ever had and I'm so sorry that I'm too weak and stupid to be able to be everything that you deserve and more. But I swear that you'll find someone who is. And just because we aren't together, that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave you all alone, unless you want me to leave."

"Please don't," Ryou whispered, his grip on Alistair tightening. "I couldn't bear it."

"Then I'll stay," he promised. There was a pause before he spoke again. "I'll sleep in the living room. At least for tonight. Tomorrow we can figure out another arrangement."

"You don't have to," Ryou cut in quickly, pulling out of Alistair's embrace and wiping the tears off his face. "We made it work before. Unless of course, you'd find it awkward…"

"No, I mean…we should probably put our clothes back on but…"

"Oh!" Ryou dove off the bed to grab his shirt and pulled it over his head, suddenly horribly flustered even though Alistair had seen him more than just half naked dozens of times.

"This is going to be kind of weird for awhile, isn't it?" Alistair observed.

"Most likely. But I think it'll still work." Unless you bring Kaiba home with you, he added in his head. Alistair nonetheless got the message.

"Just to be clear," he said, pulling his own clothes back on, "I don't intend to get back together with him. When I told him goodbye tonight I meant it. He'd really have to do a one-eighty to make me even consider it."

"I know. But you might because I know you still love him. And if you want to don't worry about what I'd think about it. It's rather silly to live one's life based on how other people will react to what you do. Having a real friend is good enough for me." Yet again Alistair found himself wondering at the Brit's genuine selflessness. Despite being upset that they were breaking up, he still wanted the redhead to be happy. Alistair brushed Ryou's bangs off his face as he'd done many times before and briefly let his hand rest on the Brit's cheek.

"I never deserved you."

As Seto shut down his home computer and walked upstairs to get ready for bed, he reflected once again on his meeting with Alistair. He could tell that winning the redhead back wouldn't be easy; he had a lot to prove before the redhead would even consider it, that much he'd made crystal clear.

He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and retrieved his locket, pausing before clicking it open; he hadn't looked at the pictures it contained since the day he'd kicked Alistair out. Mokuba beamed up at him from the right hand picture, his long, dark hair pulled back and mischief shining in his dark blue eyes. Seto gave a small smile. Mokuba truly had grown into exactly the kind of person Seto had hoped he would: carefree, kind, loyal, and hardworking.

He allowed his gaze to fall on the picture in the left hand side of the locket. Alistair's hair had been longer then than it was now and perfectly framed his face, the overgrown bangs falling into his eyes, the color of which the picture failed to do justice. In the photograph, Alistair was offering the camera a shy smile.

"I never should have doubted you," he said softly, still staring at the picture. "You're not like me; you'd never stab anyone in the back and I should have known that. But I'll make it up to you. I'll learn how to be good; I promise. I want to be good. Otherwise, I'll just end up like him." Wouldn't that be ironic, he thought. To finally escape my step-father only to become him. But that won't happen. I won't let it! But I need your help, Alistair; I don't want to do it on my own.

Author's Note: The reason why I think it's fair to say that (as much as I love them together and hated making Ryou cry) this wasn't going to work out is that neither one of them was in a good place when they got together; Alistair was torn up about Seto and wanted someone to hold onto and Ryou was more in love with the idea of Alistair than with Alistair himself. Now we just have to see if their friendship can survive...