Bella Birthday: Uwah, I'm so glad to have made you laugh! Er, sorry the update is late in that case... ^^; I feel bad...

B: Actually, that's one of my current problems. After not writing this for awhile, I have no idea what's going on anymore. xD I have files and papers and little notebooks scattered with information on them though. They help, when I know where they are, ehehe... Without them I'd be doomed. ^^;
Agh, I've been busy too... Ah, convention day? How exciting! I've got one tomorrow, hehe~~

So sorry this update is late- I'm just very busy; ahh, sorryyyy...

E-enjoy the chapter, though...!

I downed my pills for the day, two little capsules from a container labeled Concor. I'd had to take medication since the time I had that heart attack about a month ago. I had to take it every morning, and I probably would keep taking it for the rest of my life. Fun. I guess I didn't mind, actually, since it meant better assurance of not having another one. Heart attacks weren't so fun. I was glad we were only placing that death on those who deserved it.

The only real troublesome thing about my meds was the fact I kept having low blood pressure. And normally that was alright, but every so often I would get real lightheaded… and in these dizzy moments I couldn't feel Light's presence anymore, and he couldn't feel mine. We hated it.

But hey, it could have been worse. At least I wasn't dead. That would suck, I should think. I really don't want to die.

As I had already had breakfast, I headed out the door to head to NPA headquarters. Anna called a goodbye, and I responded in turn. Ryuk floated behind me like a shadow… a winged shadow. That talked.

"We're low on apples again, Natalie…."

I ran a hand through my hair with a sigh. "Light has apples at his house. Follow him for awhile instead."

"But his house isn't as fun…," Ryuk responded, sounding a bit unhappy.

"Oh?" I asked, uninterested. "Why's that?"

"Well, it's just Light, and he's just not as fun ever since he couldn't get his memories back. I guess he's been kinda getting more interesting… especially after Misa died." He snickered, and I frowned, giving him a look. "But he can't talk to me anyway because of the wiretaps. Plus, you have Anna."

"Well, Ryuk, you can stay with me if you'd like, it'd just mean no apples until after I go shopping."

Ryuk sighed but did not leave me. It didn't matter to me anyway where Ryuk happened to be. The only time it would matter would be if someone was to touch the notebook or its pages, and that simply would not be happening anytime soon.

I reached NPA headquarters eventually, immediately going up the elevator to reach the level of my workplace. I walked into the large room that was our headquarters to find Matsuda holding miscellaneous items as he headed my way – out of NPA headquarters.

"Where are you off to?" I asked him, and he looked at me.

"Oh, hi, Natsumi! Uh, I gotta go out for a case."

"Really?" I asked. "Which case? Do we have a lead on Mello?"

"No; no…. It's a new case I'm on," he told me, shifting on his feet in a way that told me he was a bit uncomfortable talking about it. "It's confidential, so I can't say what it's about; sorry, Natsumi…."

"No, it's fine," I responded. "It's good that you're doing your job."

"Y…yeah. See you later, Natsumi!" I nodded to him as he walked out of the room. I turned to watch him go, but then just walked to where I needed to be. It was time to work.

"I think I'm finally done," said Matt, stepping away from the car they'd hijacked last Saturday.

"Really?" Sierra asked brightly, sitting on the edge of the concrete. The car sat just below the concrete in a sort of low parking space.

"Well, not entirely. I'll eventually have to do a test run…." He sighed as he pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. "…Just not now," he finished as he flicked the lighter on and lit the cigarette.

Sierra frowned slightly, but said nothing, bringing her knees to her chest.

"This baby's gonna be damn epic when we use it, though," Matt told her matter-of-factly, nodding to himself. He paused. "At least, I'll enjoy it."

"What'd you do to it?"

"You'll see once we get to using it, alright, Sierra?"

"Meh!" she frowned.

Matt chuckled, then eyed her as he exhaled a stream of smoke. Something seemed off, despite her usual cheerful and indignant responses. "Is something the matter?" he asked in an off tone. Hesitant; unsure if he was hearing it or not.

Sierra seemed to shift. "I'm fine," she told him.

"Are you sure? You know you can talk, right?"

She didn't say anything. Then, "I hate August."

Matt blinked, dumbfounded. "…Why do you hate August?"

"August ninth was my mom's birthday," she said flatly. "I hate it."

"…Is that why you're upset?" Matt inquired, walking over to her to sit down beside her.

Sierra shifted again. "It's not just that, I guess. Just… what do you consider a home?"

Matt looked at her for a second through those orange-tinted goggles. "Home?" he repeated, then looked up to the ceiling of concrete. "Well… it's a place where you feel comfortable and safe and loved, I think. I kinda don't know what my home is…." He frowned contemplatively. "Every home I might have had is kinda gone. I mean, I guess I consider Wammy's a home… but… I dunno. I think my place is with you and Mello. Why?"

She stared at the ground. "I get what it feels like to have a home ripped away. But… the way you describe 'home'… I guess where I used to be wasn't so much a home…. Except for when I was with my dad and my sister…. I think…that was my home…. But I can't be there anymore since I was taken to this world…." She curled a little tighter. "Yet I want to stay here…. And I can't tell anymore…."

Matt thought about this for a minute before he spoke again. "Well, are you comfortable here?" he asked her.

She looked at him. "Yeah, I guess…. I think of you like an older brother, and I'm synced with Mello, so…."

"Do you feel safe here?"

She furrowed her brow. "I know you or Mello would make sure I was okay if something happened."

"Do you feel loved?"

Sierra paused. In all honesty, she still sometimes felt that worthlessness she would feel every so often. Sometimes more often. It was harder to feel now that she was at the final stage with Mello, but it would come up sometimes. It was happening less so, so much less, but she would still feel it sometimes, and in those times she didn't know if she was loved or not. The Bond seemed to not help it. It was like a disruption in the flow of their interconnected consciousnesses. This feeling would overtake Mello's own thoughts of her with worth, something to be saved and cherished. Something he actually cared about. I mean, the feeling would eventually fall through and Mello's opposing feelings would flood the void the lack of this particular feeling would create when it disappeared.

She thought of Matt. Sierra really did see him like an older brother… and he was the one that stopped her from letting go of that railing…. He did listen to her, and he actually understood some of the things she went through. So yes, she could believe that he loved her as if she were a sister. She believed him. Sierra thought of the night she'd given Mello her deepest secret; how he told her that he loved her even though he didn't want to admit it. And she didn't want to believe it at first… but he convinced her. He loved her too, and yes, she believed him. At this point, she kinda had to, what with the mind synchronization they had.

She was loved. Even going backwards to being with Anna, and me, and even Sam…. We cared about her too. Even though now even we had been taken away from her because of this whole Kira business….

"Yeah," she answered Matt softly.

"So, maybe your home is with us, huh?" he asked brightly.

"Maybe…." She paused again. "Hey, Matt?" she asked him.

"Yeah, Sierra?"

"You know how I have a mask… right?" Her voice was quiet; much quieter than it usually was.

Matt blinked. "You mean with the fake emotions and most everything being an act? That mask?"

"Yeah…."

"Yeah, I kinda got that…. Why?"

"I want to lose my mask, Matt…. I want to let it fade. I want to be me."

He looked at her for a moment, then smiled. "You know, Sierra," he said, bringing his arm around her shoulders, "I think that's a great idea. I can't wait to see you."

Sierra smiled slightly in return. "Yeah…."

B subconsciously traced his finger along his not-quite-healed laceration on his arm from when he'd shoved his arm through the mirror. How many wounds had he gotten since after Sophia died, now? Ten marks on his chest from his own hands. A stab wound from Annalisa. And now this. He'd rarely gotten hurt at all before her death….

He shifted slightly in his chair, almost thoughtful. He supposed it was a good thing that he knew how to take care of himself when it came to these things, otherwise he'd be caught with infection and blood loss galore, not to mention the two worst wounds likely wouldn't have healed properly. And that would prove problematic in the things he had to achieve.

Beyond sat in utter silence, and he listened to it in all calmness. Silence. It was one of his closest friends, along with darkness. He remembered thinking that the silence had betrayed him after Sophia had been killed, but really it was just that one of its constant whispers had left. ('It's not you, it's me.' Hahaha.) It had seemed foreign to him. Now he could thrive in silence once again and listen to the secrets it disclosed to only a select few.

He inhaled deeply, listening to the way the air shifted, then exhaled slowly and silently. He listened to the silence. His soft breathing. His heartbeat.

(I am alive.)

"What is the true meaning of the word?" he breathed. "What is being?"

It was breathing in and out. It was having a heartbeat. It was having lifeblood flowing through your veins; pumped through your arteries. It was thinking and feeling.

What if you can't feel?

B gazed intently at the wall, leaning back comfortably in his chair. The tips of his fingers still brushed at the red, sore line on his arm; skin pulled together like a piece of paper cut in half and glued crudely back together. He heard dry, mirthless chuckling and figured he was hearing himself.

The question was silly. He'd already established that he was something above a human. Something more. Born with these eyes; born seeing the numbers…. And the nothing he'd felt since he was young. It was different than normal human beings; it was as simple as that. He could take lives; that alone raises anyone above humankind. Sometimes it places someone below. Although, he felt that who he was now was above the person he was before Sophia was killed. Before he met her, even.

One could say he was less than a person, being cut in half. But it was wrong. He was only half a being, maybe, but he'd gone over an edge that he hadn't even quite approached before. It opened doors in his mind that he had never opened, or opened doors that he had before closed. The more doors he opened, he conjectured, the higher above humanity he would be. The more he knew, the more he'd endured, the more he'd grasped… then the greater he would truly be.

It is said that ignorance is bliss. Some say that it is better to know nothing than know it all. Ignorance is bliss, yes, and this knowledge was a burden. Most humans could not take such experience. Most of them withdraw, become depressive, and try to close as many doors in their head as they can because they don't want any more; or grow bitter and cold, placing their pain on others for no real reason; or dull their minds with alcohol to try and deny it; or even simply become so overwhelmed with it all that they go so far as to kill themselves.

But Beyond liked it. He did not enjoy it, but he liked it. And he did not usually like things. He remembered being little and not wanting any more of it. He remembered it; he did. He could admit that. He knew and grasped Death; he'd watched people die at a young age. Innocence died. A door was opened.

But then his mind responded with numbness, and the feeling went away. He'd endured, and he'd reached the next level. No feeling. No pain. Another door had been opened.

Then he had killed a man. The next door had been opened. It is one thing to live among your fellow man (even if he himself wasn't quite human), but to kill another man and feel no different afterwards…. That took something else. People who didn't get it said it was inhuman. And it was. It was completely and utterly not-human.

But he'd closed the door in his mind to his memories, and he did so love to act. He'd once so enjoyed making himself look insane, look like a monster, look so wrong to any normal human. He wore his mask and forgot who he once was, transforming himself into his new persona, Beyond Birthday.

But now; now he remembered his past and accepted it. He knew who he was in the past, and who he was in the present. Not only that, but he knew how to take off his mask now.

He'd died and lived again; he'd known connection and trust and had lost both; he'd been ripped in half; he'd known what it felt like to let himself care. He had achieved his highest point. Here, he knew true Nothingness. The Full Moon and the Fog were simply the fragments of him that could not take this. Perhaps they were the pieces of him that were closer to humanity.

Here, though, in the Nothingness, he was the least human being on earth. It was not the numb nothing he'd once had; this was a Nothing that had such cold clarity; a sharpness that allowed him to truly open his eyes and mind. It was almost like living in a pitch darkness that could drown you, but seeing everything as if was fully lit.

As Beyond continued to look at the wall, he wondered vaguely if there was a different sort of place above humanity; a place of blinding light.

Oh well. He supposed he belonged in the shadows anyway.

Ironic, really, when I've only just escaped L's shadow.

And he chuckled his low, satisfied henh, henh, henh just as his special little clock struck three. It was about time to leave for the café.

Here's a note: please don't follow B's philosophy. I don't want anyone killing anyone or anything.

Fun Fact: Although the four main characters have essentially kept the same character design (they're described at the beginning of every new story), the real-life versions of them have changed quite a bit. I won't list changes here or anything, but gosh, things have changed a little, hehe...

Review? For philosophy, I guess?