A/N: Anyone who has ever worked in an office knows this is a part of it. Besides, I like working with all these guys in a group setting.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my brain and even that has 'Property of ShinRa' stamped on it. Kinda hurts. No wonder I get migraines.

Vincent glared at the Turk rookies and veterans as they made their way into the conference room. The table had been removed and several rows of standard issue ShinRa ass killing chairs had been constructed. Tseng smirked at the gunman and made his way to the front of the room where Vincent was standing.

"I do not understand why I must be the one to do this training," Vincent hissed. "I believe in the manner that you wish for it to be delivered, Reno would be better suited."

"True, but that would be far too much fun for him," Tseng replied, inspecting his fingernails. "Besides, I believe that you will have better luck at captivating the audience. And not just the females, either. I believe Wei has a sort of school boy crush on you, Valentine."

Vincent, if it was possible, turned a bit paler. "Pity for him Katrina can kick his ass," he growled. "No matter. Let's get this farce over with."

Tseng smirked again. "Attention please," he said, his voice the cool, commanding tone that without fail obtained for him the attention he desired. "As you know, since Meteor fall, the W.R.O. has been the semi-dominant government of our society and as such have imposed certain...requirements of ShinRa. One such requirement is this mandatory training. Welcome to Sexual Harassment."

A collective group groan went up from all the Turks. "C'mon, Bossman," Reno said. "We all sexually harass everyone else. It's expected, it's wanted, it's part of the Turks! Without sexual harassment, we wouldn't be the lethal perverts we all are."

Tseng continued smirking. "True that may be, Reno, we must still conduct this training to appease the W.R.O.," he replied. "However, though the topic must be sexual harassment, Tuesti never provided us any literature to teach from, telling us to compile our own data. So, we have. Valentine has gotten together a rather impressive presentation on the subject. Vincent, if you would."

Vincent glared at his superior. "If I hadn't been sleeping in a coffin for 30 years, I'd be your boss," he snarled.

Tseng sat down next to Elena and unbuttoned his suit jacket. "Yes, well you did and you're not, so there you have it," he answered. "Proceed."

Vincent narrowed his crimson eyes at Tseng, but proceeded nonetheless. "Welcome to Proper Sexual Harassment Techniques 101," he said, his low voice gruffer than usual. "Please follow along with the presentation on the projection screen as I cover the following seven techniques. Please hold your questions and comments, lewd or otherwise, until the end of the presentation."

Technique One: The Ass Grab

We will begin with the Sexual Harassment Technique, the Ass Grab. Proper execution of this technique requires both attention to detail and location.

First, select which cheek to grab. Notice that this is the Ass Grab, not the Crack Assault...that comes later in the training. So, either the left or right, depending on your location to the victim. Place your hand against the cheek and grasp your fingers together as if feeling a melon for firmness at the market. If the victim jumps slightly or produces a cry of surprise, the technique was done properly.

Technique Two: The Reach Across

This technique can be very easily orchestrated in a conference room setting.

The victim can be on either side of you. Simply find an object that you "need" and reach across the chest of the victim to obtain said item. While reaching, be sure that the portion of your arm from forearm to elbow comes in contact with the fullest part of the victim's chest, causing enough friction to illicit a response (ie, cry of surprise or the hardening of the nippular region).

Either of those responses displays proper execution of technique.

Different Variation with Male Victim:

Again, conference setting, without the table. Easier with a partner when the victim is seated between the two of you. Have your partner maintain an item that you "need". Reach across lap of victim to obtain said item, making sure the portion of your arm from the forearm to the elbow comes in contact with the apex between his thighs. A tenting of the pants or sharp intake of breath proves proper execution of technique.

Technique Three: "I'm Sorry...Was that YOUR Leg?"

The trick to this technique is the sell. You MUST make the victim believe that you seriously thought their leg was yours. Again, perfect situation is in a conference room setting. Making sure that your leg is uncomfortably close to the victim, reach under the table to give your leg a rub. This should be done no less than two but no more than four times before contact is made with the victim to establish that you are having issues with an itch. Once prepped, reach under the table and rub the leg of the victim. If preparation was done properly, the victim will simply give a weak smile and slide a bit farther away.

IMPORTANT: You must sell this move. If you do not do the proper amount of rubbing of your own leg, the victim will know this is harassment. If you sell that you have an itch and the close proximity of the conference setting confused you, along with your now semi-numb limb, this technique WILL WORK. Do not falter in your story. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Technique Four: The Shirt Brush

Again, sell, sell, sell. You must visualize the lint, fuzz, fluff, or food on the shirt of the victim before moving in for removal. This is especially effective after lunch or a break when food has been consumed.

With a movement not too slow nor too fast, gently reach up and brush away the "particle" from the victim's chest, focusing on the fullest part. Smile genuinely as if you saved the victim from servere embarassment from returning to work with "smuck" on their clothing. Again, a weak smile will indicate proper execution.

For Male Victims:

WARNING: Must be seated for this technique on a male victim. Simply reach down below the belt (in the general vicinity of the male's genitilia) and flick at the "particle" first and then brush gently as it refuses to budge. Male victims tend to enjoy this technique and will either illicit a knowing grin or an invitation for drinks after work from the victim.

Technique Five: The Crack Assault

This technique is fairly easy to maneuver in a crowded elevator.

First, when desired floor has been reached, place a hand to the victim's lower back, maintaining contact so you "don't get separated". Slowly and unnoticably, move your hand downward until your middle finger is resting comfortably in the grove between the victim's cheeks.

This technique is easily forgiven and can be blamed on the crowded elevator.

Technique Six: The Bump

Relatively easy to execute. Victim is walking towards you down the hall. Distract yourself with looking at papers and vere into them at the last minute, clutching frantically as you try not to get the papers you are holding out of order. While grasping at the papers, you grasp at the victim (female, chest; male, bulge) until desired contact is made.

Brushed aside as dedication to your work and an accident.

Technique Seven: Cleavage to the Visage (aka, Boobs in the Face)

Desk with computer ONLY! This will not work unless computer problems are occuring. (Contact IT department on how to insure computer problems will occur.)

Remain standing while the victim sits at his/her desk. Lean in close and over so that breasts are in direct contact with the victim's face, while pointing at the computer screen, maneuvering mouse, etc. Must have basic computer knowledge for this technique to work. If technique is done properly, knowing grin and/or invitation for drinks after work will be issued.

Just remember, conviction in your voice means acceptance in their minds.

Vincent brushed his hair out of his face. "This concludes the mandatory Sexual Harassment training as stipulated by the W.R.O. Immediate implementation of these techniques are required and anyone seen not performing them accurately will receive first a verbal warning. Second offense will be a written reprimand. Third offense will be a hard spanking conducted by either myself or Tseng. Fourth offense will be a harsh fucking. If you have any questions, please direct them to Tseng. Good afternoon." With that, Vincent packed up his presentation and quickly exited the conference room, grabbing Katrina's hand as he left and dragging her with him.

Tseng suddenly found himself bombarded with questions pertaining to the lesson by his entire staff, less two, of very horny Turks.

Damn manditory training.

A/N: (evil grin) I so do love Sexual Harassment. Review please!