The next few days were the best I had had in four weeks. Tim pried me out of bed every morning at promptly 9:00AM. He made breakfast, then dragged me with him on his morning runs. Being in the military for so long, he was used to starting his days with ten mile runs, but he cut me some slack, allowing me to run the first six with him, then I would typically walk the final four while he ran ahead. The exercise cleared my head more than I could have anticipated. There were moments, typically towards the end of my run, where everything fell away, even Callie. I cherished these moments, however brief, because they were truly the only times of my day when I was without pain. Nothing could take Callie's absence away, except infinitesimally small moments when my legs were striking the pavement so hard, I couldn't see, hear or think about anything else.
After these runs, Tim and I would take some time to shower and get ready for our day. He tried to keep me occupied with 'touristy' thinks he wanted to see and do. I knew he had no interest in the space needle or whale watching, but he wanted to keep me busy. I appreciated that, knowing any second I wasn't busy doing something was another second I would spend crying over Callie. I wasn't ready to move on, not yet, not even close. But I knew there would be a time when I would have to.
"Happy fucking birthday! Get your ass up!" I heard Tim yell as I felt a liquid spraying all over me. I licked my lips; champagne, of course. My clock read 9:00AM.
"Are you kidding me?" I said, throwing a pillow at him.
"Sorry, Zona, I thought it would be a cool b-day wake up!" He said, sipping on the little champagne that wasn't sprayed across my room.
"My land lord will love it" I said, eyeing the champagne on the walls.
"Get up! I made breakfast. Then, run time" He said with a smile.
"And after that? I am sure you have a tourist activity that you are just dying to do" I said sarcastically.
"Not today, Zona. Today, we are laying low in preparation for your epic party tonight"
"No no no. No party. I don't want a party" I said. Teddy ran into my room after she had heard me say 'party'.
"Come on, Zona! Just a small thing at Joe's...I already have the back room booked for us" Teddy said.
"Joe's? You really think I want to go to Joe's of all places?" I yelled. Her face fell.
"I didn't really think about it...shit..." Teddy said. "I could cancel..."
"No, no. I'm sorry. It will be fine. I'm sure she won't...No. It's going to be great. Thank you, Teddy." I said, a smile reappearing on her face.
"Good! Because I have already invited like 50 people" She said. I looked to Tim, he shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't even have 50 friends!"
"Well, everyone from my birthday will be there. Plus, a few others in invited from our medical school class" She said, clearly excited about the prospect of meeting new friends. I sighed.
"You invited our future friends? Now that is just creepy, Teds" I said.
"I agree with you, Zona, however, there is going to be a special lady there who has been asking all about you"
Teddy and Tim looked at each other with stupid grins on their faces. Clearly, they had been scheming.
"I don't want anything to do with a 'special lady', you guys. Seriously" I said.
"Oh relax, it's just Leah Murphy. You met her at my birthday party, remember? She has been asking me about you nonstop since that night. I think she thinks you're cute. AND she is going to be in our med school class at UW" Teddy said, smiling at me.
"Since when is Leah gay?" I asked. I swear I remember her dancing with guys at the bar on Teddy's birthday, though it was a fuzzy night. Wait, Leah bought me a drink that night. Crap, I thought she was just being nice.
"Eh, I think she swings both ways" Teddy said.
"Nice, I have a shot! It's on, Zona!" Tim said. Teddy rolled her eyes, exiting the bedroom.
"You can have her" I said to Tim.
"Oh, I will. Even if you were interested, she would choose me anyway" I too rolled my eyes at him.
"Go away" I said.
"Fine. But we are running in 15 minutes. You better be ready!" He said, shutting my door.
I laid back down, letting my warm bed surround me. Tim had awoken me from the best dream I had had in weeks. Lately, my dreams have been variable versions of Callie's last words to me, or Callie getting shot by Mr. Warren before I am able to reach her. Each dream is somehow worse than the previous. However last night, we had been together in our basement bungalow with the candles lit. We were laying under just a sheet, laughing and eating pizza in bed. Laying here in reality, I wish I could remember more. I craved Callie's laugh, her breasts against my back with her arms wrapped around me. The way her eyelashes tickled my chin when she kissed my neck. All of it, every piece of her, I missed. But more than anything, I just wanted to know that she will still out there. I wanted to know if she was happy, if she was okay. Despite everything, the heartbreak she had left me with, I hope she was better off than I had been the last few weeks.
"Zona! You have two minutes! Get your shoes on!" I closed my eyes, allowing for just one more moment for thoughts of Callie, knowing it would never, ever be enough.
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"Damn sis, you look good!" Tim said as I came out of my room in a brand new dress. It was a short, light blue summer dress that fit me well, accentuating my waistline and lifting my small breasts just enough to make them look perky. I looked a little too fancy for Joe's, but whatever, it's my birthday.
"Thanks, Tim" I said softly.
"You do look awesome, Arizona" Teddy said. She nudged Henry, who was standing right next to her.
"Um...nice dress" Henry said. Teddy rolled her eyes. It was both pathetic and cute that Henry found himself unable to compliment anyone but Teddy.
"Lets get the shots rolling, eh?" Tim said, starting to pour four tequila shots.
"Might as well..." I said, throwing one back, letting the tequila burn the back of my throat.
"Henry, join me for a cigar?" Tim asked Henry.
"Sure!" He said. Teddy scowled.
"You two better not smell like smoke the rest of the night" Teddy said, but the guys had already walked out onto the porch. Teddy sighed and took her shot.
"I really am proud of you, Arizona. You look a thousand times better today than you have in the last number of weeks. I was really, really worried about you..." Teddy said.
"Well, it was all thanks to you and Tim. I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you. I just...I couldn't function. I still don't know how to function without her..." I threw back another shot in attempt to stop the tears that have come at will over the past weeks.
"Hey, you will be okay. It will take time, but with school starting in two weeks, you will be so busy. We will fall in a routine and soon, you will have some sense of normalcy again. I promise" She said, rubbing my back. I wish I could express to her how little I wanted my life to return to normal; a life before Callie. But, I let it go. This night was as much about Tim and Teddy as it was about me. They needed to know that I was going to be okay so they could stop worrying about me.
"We should get going. Henry! Tim! Let's go!" Teddy yelled. Tim and Henry reappeared from he porch, clearly buzzed from their cigar.
"Let's go have some fun!"
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Per usual, Joe's was packed with people the entire night. Teddy and Tim had set up an area for everyone they invited towards the back of the bar. There was food and beer galore. Most of our friends came a little after nine and stayed until bar close. I chatted with everyone, thanked them for coming, accepted drinks when they were offered. I tried to stay as bubbly and birthday-girl-positive as I could have, for Teddy and Tim. But what I really felt like doing was sitting at the front of the bar, alone. I wanted to sit and get drunk and not have to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pretend like I was the drunk, happy birthday girl. Because in my heart of hearts, I wasn't.
By 1:00AM, people were starting to clear out. I had danced with Tim long enough for him to find a cute blonde woman to take home. He looked happy as a clam as he walked out of the bar with her, giving me the thumbs up, our signal that we were really scoring tonight. Teddy was passed out in Henry's lap by 12:30. Shortly after that, he took her home and I made my way to the front of the bar and ordered myself a martini.
In my half drunk state, I prayed Callie would show up. I wished she would show up and tell me that she had made a big mistake, that letting me go was the worst idea she had ever had. Then we could go to her fancy ass hotel suite and make love and talk and figure this all out. I wanted that more than anything. But every time I looked to the door, or looked around the bar searching for her big brown eyes, Callie was not there. So I kept drinking my martini, letting the alcohol consume me.
"Is this seat taken?"
For a moment, I let myself pretend it was Callie. But I knew, even after a month without her, that it was not her voice, not her touch that grazed my shoulder. I turned to see that it was in fact, Leah Murphy.
"No, it's all yours" I said, really not wanting to make small talk. I turned away from her, finishing my martini and waving down the bartender for another.
"So, this is how you end your birthday? Sitting alone at the bar, drinking martini after martini?" She asked. I wished then that I wasn't intoxicated so I could come up with a clever line back to her. But I really had nothing. So I just nodded. She laughed and ordered herself a beer.
"Why do I get the feeling you would rather be sitting next to a boulder right now than talking to me?" She asked. I shrugged. I didn't want to lie to her; I would rather be sitting next to a large rock right now. Anything, really, that didn't question my motives and drinking habits.
"I just...don't have much to say I guess" I said.
"Oh, I think you have plenty to say. You just have to find the right person to say it to" She said, resting her hand on my knee.
"Are you flirting with me?" I asked bluntly. I left her hand on my knee.
"Forgive my drunken boldness, but yes, I am" She said. I gave her a small smile, taking another large sip of my drink.
"For the record." She said, "I would flirt with you soberly, too"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I definitely would" She said.
Feeling her inching closer to me, my body tensed, rejecting the abrupt moves she was putting on me. She laughed softly, noticing my discomfort.
"Look, I am not trying to creep you out or make you uncomfortable. From what I have heard, you have been going through something lately. I don't know what or who hurt you, but I want you to know that I think you're beautiful"
I felt myself flush.
"And if you're interested in spending your birthday night with someone other than your brother and his booty call, finish your drink and meet me outside in three minutes" Leah said, leaving enough cash for both of our drinks.
I sighed, my head now swimming with two dry martinis, as well as the numerous other drinks from the night. The thought of going home with someone other than Callie made me physically sick. But what the hell, a nice, pretty girl was hitting on me. Why couldn't I be happy about that? Why couldn't I just go home with her? Callie was not coming and she was never coming. Why would she? I was nothing to her. I felt the anger rising up my throat. I hated Callie. I hated that she had turned me into this person who moped around all of the time. I hated that I had become a shell of the person I once was. I hated that I couldn't even enjoy my own fucking birthday party because I missed her so much. I hated that despite everything she put me through, I still wanted her so desperately I felt like I couldn't breathe. Most of all, I hated that I could never hate her. I hated that I would always love her. She would always have a hold on me.
So, I grabbed my coat, walked out of the door and grabbed Leah's hand.
"Let's get out of here."