After Tim left, I had to start getting ready for medical school. Days spent crying in bed were no longer an option. Yet, there wasn't a minute of the day that Callie wasn't on my mind. I longed to see her again, to know definitively that she was happy and healthy. There were days when I was so desperate to have some sort of contact, however minimal, I drove to the hospital just to see her car parked where it always was. There were a few instances when I had an email written to April, the head medical scribe at Seattle Grace, to see who had taken my place. I never sent these emails. It was just too painful. I hated the thought of someone replacing me, even if it was just as her scribe. I missed her, every day, I missed her. But by the time my first day of medical school had rolled around, I was used to going about my day with the constant ache in the center of my chest.

Since my birthday, I had seen Leah a handful of times. I kept her at an arm's length, knowing she had much stronger feelings for me than I had, or would ever have, with her. Leah cherished the time I spent with her, while I more or less was looking to fill a void that Callie had left within me. When we slept together, it was always after we had been drinking. It was enjoyable enough, but we weren't physically in sync like Callie and I had been. I missed the way Callie seemed to know my body and what I wanted better than even I did. Despite all of this, Leah was good in the truest sense of the word. She was kind, funny and treated me like I was the greatest person on the face of the earth. Her presence in my left also kept Teddy off my back. She stopped worrying about me so much, which was half the battle at this point. Knowing that someone else was worried about me constantly was almost more tiresome than the ache I felt in Callie's absence. It made me feel like I should be trying harder to get over Callie, to forget what we had. The thought of forgetting Callie, or becoming apathetic of her in any way, was as heart wrenching as losing her. Putting Calliope Torres out ofmy mind was not something I was ready to do.

"Welcome to your first day of medical school. This year, we had over 4,000 applicants to the University of Washington Medical School and accepted a mere 300 of you. There are 170 first year medical students in this year's class. This first week of school will include orientation of the facilities and lectures regarding you expected duties and coursework. You will be assigned a physician mentor tomorrow based on your interests, which you should write down on the sheet of paper in front of you. You will start your course work next week. Your first semester classes will include Histology, Anatomy and Biochemistry. You will have Histology and Biochemistry every morning, while Anatomy will occur every afternoon, lecture Monday Wednesday Friday, Labs on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Students typically spend 4-5 hours after class studying. The vast majority of exams will occur on Fridays. Are there any questions? We will obviously go into greater detail as this week goes on, but I wanted to give you a brief summary of what to expect" The medical school dean stated. Teddy was sitting to my left, Leah to my right, in a large auditorium in the medical school. Surrounding me were my fellow medical school classmates, nearly all of whom were vigorously writing down every word our dean said. I, on the other hand, made a mental note of our schedule and tuned out the rest.

"Aren't you going to write down any of your interests?" Teddy whispered to me, pointing to the piece of paper in front of me.

"What interests? Like hobbies?" I asked.

"No, dumbass, your specific interests in medicine. For example, I am writing down cardiology and surgery. Leah is probably writing down psychiatry or family medicine. Just write something down before you get stuck with a geriatric doctor or something" She said, turning her paper in.

This seemed like too big of a deal to be deciding now. I had obviously thought about what kind of doctor I wanted to be...but to choose something now and be stuck with the same mentor for four years? It seemed like quite the commitment. Before I could ever think about writing anything, Teddy had stolen my paper and written 'surgery, pediatrics, women's health' and passed the paper to the front of the room.

"WHAT THE HELL!" I whispered coarsely in her ear.

"Everyone had passed their papers up 5 minutes ago while you were daydreaming. You like surgery, you are really good with kids despite your apathy towards them and you like vagina. It seemed like those three interests would get you a decent mentor" She said, patting me on the back as everyone began to exit the room. Apparently, we had been dismissed for lunch.

"If I get stuck with a weirdo gynecologist, I am going to the dean and telling him that you sabotaged my mentor choices" I said.

"Right, like the dean of medicine is going to care that you didn't get the mentor of your choice. Good luck with that" Teddy said.

xxxxxxxxxx

The following day, I found out my mentor for the next four years was none other than Dr. Addison Montgomery. Despite the fact that she was Callie's friend, I was excited to be matched with her. Dr. Montgomery was not only a world renowned OBGYN, she was one of the only maternal-fetal surgeons in the Pacific Northwest. It turns out Teddy knew a thing or two about my interests.

"I can't believe you matched with THE Dr. Montgomery. Just from scribing, I heard she is incredible, an obstetrics legend even" Leah said, putting her hand on my knee. Leah had asked if she could come over after our first day of real classes. She was apparently 'confused' by the material we went over today, though everything we covered was pretty much undergraduate biology 101. Her ability to find any excuse possible to spend time with me was cute, though somewhat unsettling. I felt like I made no efforts with her and yet there she was, looking at me like I had descended from the heavens.

"Yeah, I feel pretty lucky. I've met her before. She seems like a cool person. Which doctor did you match with?"

"Eh, you wouldn't know him. He's a family medicine doctor at the clinic down the street from the hospital" Leah said.

"Oh" I said, not knowing what else to say. Family medicine, or primary care in general, was not something that had ever interested me. The rush of acute care and surgery was what got me up in the morning, especially when those mornings began at 3:30AM. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

"He is a good doctor from what I have heard" Leah said, pausing briefly, "After scribing for a surgeon for a year, I have come to realize that the OR isn't for me. I see myself as a clinician" Leah said.

"Well, the OR isn't for everyone I guess. We need primary care doctors too" I said as cheerfully as possible. She nodded, biting her lip.

"Is Teddy here?" She asked, clearly nervous.

"No...why?"

"I just thought we could talk...about us" She said softly.

I felt my gaze drop, avoiding her eye contact. I was not ready for his, at all. What Leah and I had was super casual, even fun at times. I enjoyed being around her. But to date her, make her my girlfriend? No, definitely not now, maybe not ever. It was hard to think about anyone that seriously anymore...not after Callie.

"Look, Leah...you're great. But..." I started to say, but she put her hand up, cutting me off.

"Stop right there. I am not asking you to make any commitments to me. I am well aware that you aren't ready for that. But I just wanted to let you know, again, that I really do like you. And when you're ready, if you are ever ready, I will be here. I just want you to know where I stand before we get completely consumed in medical school" She said with a small smile. I took her hand in mine; it was clammy with nervousness. It made me feel bad, guilty almost, how nervous I made her. All the while, I sat here, hardly phased by anything she said.

"You're great, Leah. In fact, you are great for me. I just need more time. I wish I was ready to be with you, or anyone for that matter, but I just...I can't. Not now" I said. She nodded, only slightly disappointed.

"I better get going. I will see you tomorrow" She said, kissing my cheek. I watched her leave and locked the door behind her. Whenever Leah left, I felt like I could palpate the disappointment lingering in the air. Despite what she said about her willingness to wait for me until I was "ready", I knew she would grow tired of the waiting game soon enough. She was a young, good looking medical student. She shouldn't have to wait around for some loser hung up on her former boss. Nor did I want her to, I wasn't ready to progress to the point where anyone could become a part of me like Callie did.

Calliope. It had been almost ten weeks since I had seen her. These ten weeks had passed more slowly than any others in my life, especially those first three she was gone. I felt like my life had been in a stand still then. At least now I had school to take my mind off her once in a while. Yet everything continues to remind me of her. Today at lunch, the special at the medical school cafe was orange chicken. I couldn't help but think back to those first weeks of working with Callie, when I was just getting to know her. She hated Asian food. She thought it all tasted the same. I missed those simple moments when everything I learned about her was fascinating.

I wished I felt that way about Leah. I wished I wanted to know everything about her. I wished I wanted to spend my time getting to know her. Life would be so much easier if I felt towards her the way I feel about Callie.

I laid down in bed, exhausted by my first day of classes and the general craziness of my relationship, or lack thereof, situation. Nighttime was the time I allowed myself to think about Callie, I was alone. Sure going about my daily life was getting easier. I was now able to compartmentatlize my feelings of loss over Callie. But at night, I allowed myself to indulge in how much I missed her, how deeply I longed for her. I let it consume me completely. In a way, it felt good to succumb to thoughts of Callie. It reminded me of how incredible life, and loss, could be.

Tonight, I let my mind wander back to the second to last time we made love. We were in an on-call room in between afternoon surgeries and only had 20 minutes before we had to scrub in and prep for a hip reduction and fixation. I stripped her of her scrubs faster than she could get the door closed, surely flashing a surgical tech or two that were walking by. She tossed me onto the bed; she was so strong from years of ortho surgeries that she could barely lift a finger and I would be halfway across the room. I pulled her down on top of me, slipping out of my scrubs. For a moment, we just laid there, naked, on top of one another. Both of us breathless, holding one another. She rolled off of me onto the other side of the very small bed. I thought we might just lie there, spooning. I would have been happy with that and I had the feeling she would have been too. The way she held me closely, it was possessive, like she would have done anything to keep me there with her. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry I was so utterly happy. I had the most beautiful, talented woman in the universe holding me in her arms. The rest of it, her marriage, the infancy of my medical career, was secondary to the intensity of the love between us. Just as I was about to turn around and tell her the great joy she brought to my life and how deeply in love with her I would forever be, she reached her hand down between my legs and entered two fingers into me. I gasped, grinding my ass into her crotch, making her moan in pleasure. The rest is a blur, hands were everywhere and I was in sensory overload. I remember cumming shortly after we had started. Neither of us ever lasted long, we were far too in sync with one another's desires. When I turned to look at her after, I remember her giving me the biggest, glowing smile. Her hair was wild, her eye make up was smudged. But she was just so incredibly beautiful; it took my breath away. Every time.

And here come the tears, the sobs, the uncontrollable chest heaves that always come with the recollection of these memories. That look she had on her face, lying in bed with me after smutty on call sex. I can't get it out of my head. How did we go from that to this so quickly? In those moments together, we had everything.

I feel myself crumple into a ball underneath my comforter and wonder if this will ever get easier. If there will ever be a day that goes by in the rest of my life that I am not wearing for Calliope Torres.