"Zach, Megan, we have something to tell you," her own words of a few days prior echoed in her mind. Scully had let Mulder do all the explaining—it was something he felt he had to do. So she had sat uncomfortably on her own couch that morning and waited for the tears to come. By the end of the conversation, Megan was crying frantically in Mulder's arms while Zach sat back much like he had when he saw the bike the night before. Withdrawn, subdued, and most importantly, not displaying any emotions.
Now, three days later, the day of the funeral, things had not changed. The four had been haunting the apartment, living in their own worlds, not saying much to each other. Scully doubted that Zach had uttered a full sentence since they told him his mother had died. And he'd shed even less tears than that.
"Dana, can I wear this?" Megan walked over from Scully's vanity with a tube of red lipstick in her hands.
"Maybe when you're a little older," Scully was mostly concentrating on getting her black pantyhose on without putting a run in them. Before the service started at noon, Mulder had taken Zach to his apartment to get ready while Megan stayed with Scully. They figured it would be more special if they had some alone time with each of them. Plus Mulder needed to stop by his place to get more clothes.
"Are you going to wear it?"
"No, it's not really appropriate for today."
"What's going to happen today?" Megan had laid herself on the opposite end of the bed, facing Scully, putting her hands underneath her chin. She looked sad, if a little scared.
"Well, remember when we talked to you and Zach about your mom?"
Megan nodded, though she didn't make eye contact.
"Today we're going to have a nice ceremony for her so you and your brother can properly say 'I love you' before she goes to Heaven." It physically left a bad taste in Scully's mouth to say those words. In addition to everything else she was feeling, she knew, she knew, that Stacie wasn't going to Heaven. But she couldn't tell her daughter that.
"Is she going to be there?" Megan asked, almost hopefully.
"No, baby. Remember, she died?"
"Does that mean I don't have a mommy no more?"
Scully mirrored Megan's position on the bed and took her hands in her own.
"Your mommy will always be your mommy. Nothing is ever going to change that."
"But who is going to take care of me if she's gone? Do me and Zach have to live on our own?"
Scully tried to keep from laughing, knowing that the girl was completely serious about her fears.
"You and Zach will always have a place to stay here with Mulder and me."
At hearing that news, Megan looked absolutely delighted and threw her arms around Scully's neck.
"I love you Dana," she said sincerely. Scully's heart warmed to hear that. As much as she had done for Megan and Zach over the past week, she felt they had done even more for her without knowing it. She hadn't wanted to consciously affirm it, but with Megan's trusting embrace, Scully finally reconciled that the two were filling the hole that learning she was barren had put in her. They were all healing.
XXX
Not many people had showed up to celebrate the life of Stacie Harris. Which was why it didn't take long for the cemetery to empty after they had put her casket in the ground. At the end of it all, Scully, Mulder, the children, and Maggie were the only ones left. Megan had fallen asleep and was being carried by Mulder, while Scully had her hands on Zach's shoulders. Nobody had thought that a phone call from a scared little boy one week ago would end up like this. Maggie kissed her daughter on the cheek.
"Do you want me to stay with you guys tonight?" she asked, brushing a few strands of hair behind her ear.
"I think Mulder and I can take care of them, thanks Mom."
"Well if you need anything, just call," Maggie kissed her again. Then, she stepped over to Mulder and kissed him as well before leaving.
"Did you want to say anything to her before we go?" Scully whispered in Zach's ear. He just shook his head and turned so that his face was buried under her arm.
"Say 'I love you' to Mommy, Meggie," Mulder encouraged the sleeping girl as he bent down to pick up a flower to throw in the grave. She slumbered on, blissfully unaware.
"Do you want anything special to eat, Zach?" Scully asked as all four of them turned to go. "We could even go out for some ice cream if you want."
"I don't want any ice cream. I just want to go back to your house," Zach murmured as Mulder took his hand. Scully took the other one.
So that is exactly what they did.
XXX
"She's out like a light," Mulder explained after they got home and he had put Megan to bed. Zach and Scully were in the living room trying to put together a puzzle because that was the only thing that Zach seemed to want to do. Mulder, however, didn't seem to think that was adequate.
"I'm really in the mood for some movie theater popcorn right now. What do you say, Zach? Do you want to go see a movie?"
Zach shook his head.
"Ride bikes?"
Another no.
"Maybe we could go to the toy store and see if there's anything there you would like…"
"I know you're just being nice to me because my mom died."
The eight-year-old's words stopped both Mulder and Scully's hearts. How could he think that? Were they doing something wrong? Were they showing too much attention to Megan?
"Zach, that's not true," Mulder almost stuttered.
"It is true," he asserted.
"What makes you say that honey?" Scully asked, wondering if she could get him to open up a little more to them.
"You hardly know me. You can't like me."
"Of course we can."
"No you can't. My mom didn't even like me," he admitted heartbreakingly.
So that was the root of the problem, both agents thought to themselves. Mulder, a trained psychologist, was actually pleased that this had come out. It meant that Zach wanted to talk.
"Zach, why do you think your mom didn't like you?" Mulder gently prodded, hoping with all his heart the little boy was ready.
"I mean, she liked me, but not all the time. After we moved away from our old house, she used to hug me and play with me, and she used to sing Megan songs and tuck us into bed like you do. And when I came home from school with a good grade, she would hang it on the refrigerator and we always had food, but… then I couldn't do good on my spelling tests last year. And I couldn't read as fast as the other kids could."
Scully and Mulder already knew where this story was going. It was Child Abuse 101. Zach was getting ready to blame himself for his mother's addiction to heroin.
"And then our bad mom came back. And she didn't like us anymore," Zach dropped his head in defeat.
"Zachary," it was the first time Mulder had used the child's full name since he rescued him, "come here kiddo."
It took some convincing, but Zach allowed Mulder to put his arms around him to be held. At the moment, each adult was showing more emotion than the child, but what was important is that he had opened up about his life in a way he had previously been trying to avoid. They were miles away from the little boy they had known just that morning.
"Now, I'm going to tell you something, and I don't want you ever to forget it. Okay?" Mulder asked the boy, who reluctantly nodded.
"What happened with your mom was not your fault. Never for a minute was it your fault. Your mom was a good person, Zach, but she made bad choices. She made bad choices even before you were born. Nothing you or Megan did made your mom make those choices, though. Your mom tried to make good decisions for you guys, but sometimes when people have done bad things in the past, it means they have to work twice as hard as you or I ever do to make good decisions. And your mom found that it was too hard and she started doing bad things again. But none of that, not even a teeny little bit of it, was your fault."
Finally, and only Scully was in a position to see in his face that it was coming, Zach began to cry. Just like when they had arrived at his mom's apartment a week ago and he realized he was not the sole protector of Megan anymore, a load had been lifted from his shoulders. He had truly believed that the reason his mom did drugs and drank and abandoned them was because he had trouble in school, or because his sister sometimes wet the bed. And it was just a relief that he had faith in and trusted Mulder when he told the eight-year-old that those things weren't his fault, and they were never his fault. It was the truth.
"Wh-what's gonna happen to me and Megan?" the kid struggled to ask through his tears after a few moments of crying as hard as he could.
"Don't you worry about that. I'm working with the people that found your mom to be able to keep you and Meg. Nobody is going to take you from me. You're safe," Mulder informed him. It was hard to hear Mulder make those promises to Zach, especially when Scully knew things weren't that simple, but she wanted so badly for it to be true that she didn't say anything. Besides, Mulder had been in contact with the woman from Social Services, and even she had said that it would be best for the children to remain with Mulder, provided he could pass a home check and make some lifestyle changes that would show the courts he would be a fit parent to two young kids. Neither of them knew what changes she had meant, but they were both certain that Mulder would jump through any hoop they needed him to jump through to make sure he kept Zach and Megan.
All of the revelations Zach had made that day were emotionally as well as physically draining. Paired with the stress of the funeral, and once he had cried all of the tears he could, the little boy's eyes were drooping and his head was hitting Mulder's shoulder.
"Do you want to take a nap bud?" Mulder asked in a soothing voice. Zach nodded emphatically, rubbing his eye.
"My head hurts Mulder," he whined as Mulder carried him to the spare bedroom.
"Shhh, close your eyes. Everything is going to be alright…"
A few minutes later, Mulder emerged Zach-less, expecting to lay down on the couch and catch a few Zs himself.
Instead, he found Scully sitting with her head in her hands on the couch, and the reason he was worried wasn't because that was exactly where he had planned to rest his head to forget about the morning.
"Hey," he scooted up to her gently. Mulder hadn't had a lot of practice with a crying Scully. Of course he'd seen her cry before, and he'd even acted as a pillar of strength for her in some instances. But he'd only seen Scully so defeated a few times in their partnership, and they all had to do with personal loss. He had no idea she would react to Zach's story like that.
Scully continued to sob, and after a moment of watching motionless, Mulder slid his arm around her shoulders and turned her into him. Then, he leaned back on the couch and brought her with, making sure that both of his arms were wrapped around her tightly. Putting his chin on top of her head and cupping the side of it with his right hand put him in exactly the position he wanted—the position he knew she needed. Thankfully for Mulder, the loss (was it a loss for him as well?) of their opportunity to have children had prepared him for that moment, so he treated her just like he had treated her then.
And he waited, trying desperately to keep his own tears at bay.
"Those poor babies," she hiccuped when she felt she could speak.
"They're with us now," Mulder tried to comfort her. He moved her so that their foreheads were touching and if she let him, he could kiss the tears from her cheeks.
"No matter how much we love them, Mulder, no matter how much we try to erase what happened to them, we can't take back what she did."
"No. No we can't," he conceded, " but they are so young and so strong… and the important thing is that we got them out when we did. They're going to be okay."
Scully was full of surprises that day, because as soon as he uttered those words from his lips, Scully had planted hers over them. It took Mulder so off guard that he succumbed to it.
Not that he wouldn't have if it were the most apparently oncoming thing in the world.
Desperately, Scully nipped at her partner's lips, not having to work very hard to get her tongue inside his mouth. And just like that night several weeks ago, he was powerless. She had straddled his lap and was putting all of her effort into kissing him and exploring his torso through his dress shirt, all while tears were streaming down her face.
"Are we going to be okay?" she pulled back briefly to ask, both of them panting heavily.
"Scully," he regretted trying to stop her, but he wasn't about to ruin the best thing in his life by once again making a dick-driven mistake, "I don't think this is a good idea."
"Mulder, I needed you when my world was falling apart. After…" she couldn't bring herself to say the words. "And now, I need you again."
It was all she offered before she resumed her assault on his lips. And frankly, it was all he needed at that moment.
Several sloppy kisses and after bumping into a few things (who knew Scully had so much furniture?) later, they made their way to her bedroom. Mulder focused on getting off his clothes while Scully locked the door. That, at least, made her happy. That she needed to lock the door.
Within minutes, they had crossed a line that they'd never been able come back from: mutual nakedness.
"I don't want to do this if you think it's going to be a mistake," Mulder struggled to get out as she was dipping her tongue in his bellybutton.
"It's a little late, Mulder."
"I just… we're upset."
"And we're trying to deal with it. Are you saying you don't want this?" She was challenging him. Scully knew exactly what she was doing.
"God no. I want this, Scully, but not if you don't. I can't do this again."
Scully made a pained face that let him know that was the last thing she wanted to talk about.
"Mulder, don't be stupid. I'm right here, same as you, and I'm ready."
In a frenzy of kisses and scratches and tongues and moans and muffled screams and thrusts and hands and feet and discarded blankets… they realized that they were making a mistake. It had been plainly sitting there, watching them. And then it was over, and Scully was laying on top of his naked chest, trying to catch her breath. Despite the heavy gasping, both agents heard rustling from the other room, the room the children were sleeping in. The pitter patter of little feet and a young girl's voice crying out for Scully told them Megan was awake. Scully practically leapt off the bed and scrambled to put her clothes on. They were still warm from each other when she harshly told him to get up. That was when Mulder's heart sank. Because he knew. And he had known all along.
Things got more confusing when he went to kiss her and she let him.
"They can't know," Scully told him as she ran over to the mirror of the vanity, running her fingers through her hair to straighten it. Before he could answer, she rushed out to be a mom.
XXX
"And you know what happened after that?" Scully asked Megan and Zach later, after dinner and baths and healing time.
"What?" Megan was totally engrossed in the story. She had never heard anybody tell Cinderella like Scully was telling it. Zach was trying not to be impressed by the girly fairytale, but he secretly loved the way Scully was telling the story as well.
"The shoe fit," she said with enthusiasm. Even after what happened earlier in the day, Mulder, who was standing in the doorway, grinned at her performance.
"Did she kiss the prince?" Megan bounced up and down.
"You bet she did, right on the lips. And they lived happily ever after."
"In a castle?"
"The biggest castle you ever saw."
"But what happened to the mean old stepsisters?" Megan wanted to know.
"They got eaten by sharks," Zach said just to be mean.
"Really? Cool!" Megan celebrated, which got everybody laughing. With encouragement, though, both children crawled under the covers and snuggled in tightly with their pillows. They looked like such little angels. It was hard to imagine that they were just starting their lives over.
"Goodnight, kiddos," Scully kissed Zach, then Megan, "I love you very very much, and I will see you in the morning."
"Goodnight Dana," each of them said.
"Say goodnight to Mulder," at least she was acknowledging his presence again. Mulder chastised himself for being so mean. He mostly blamed himself for not stopping when he knew things were going in a bad direction.
"Goodnight Mulder."
"Goodnight my princess," he leaned in to kiss Megan on the cheek, "and goodnight my prince," he kissed Zach in the same motion. "Sleep tight."
Once the nightlight was on and the big light was off, both adults walked softly out of the room, big smiles still on their faces. Then they got into the hallway and it was a different story.
"It's been a long day, Mulder," Scully yawned and stretched without looking him in the eye. Or so he felt, he wasn't looking at her either. "I think I'm going to turn in early."
"Alright."
"Let me know if you need anything."
He needed so many things from her at that moment, but he only nodded inaudibly.
"Goodnight Scully," he finally managed to choke out as she made her way to her bedroom. Eye contact included.
"Goodnight Mulder. Sleep tight," she also looked at him regretfully as she stepped through her bedroom door and then shut it behind her.
He scoffed. There was absolutely no way he was getting any sleep tonight. With that thought, Mulder made his way over to the couch to get settled in, which, if he could recall correctly, was what he was trying to do before he lost all semblance of what was appropriate and what was not.
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