"Are you ready for our first day of anatomy lab?!" Teddy asked as we walked into the basement of the medical school where the anatomy lab was held. She was practically bouncing off the walls. Like me, Teddy shared my passion for surgery, for cutting someone open in an effort to heal. She has been talking about anatomy, particularly anatomy lab, for the last month.
"Can't wait" I said, sipping my coffee.
"Oh! Leah is sitting at the front table. Let's grab the seats next to her" She said gleefully. I followed her to the table mindlessly. I wanted to tell her that in the long term, sitting next to Leah would cause problems for me down the road, but I kept my mouth shut.
"Hey guys!" Leah said as we sat down next to her.
"Hey Leah! Do you know who our professor is for this lab?" Teddy asked.
"No, but I heard it was a last minute switch, someone new" She said, opening her iPad. I heard the door open in the back of the room. My heart instantly dropped. Without even looking, I knew who our professor was, who made the "last minute switch for someone new". I felt her, as she breezed past me to the lecture podium. I heard Teddy gasp when she realized who our professor would be for the semester. I kept my eyes down, in complete and utter disbelief. I couldn't look up; I couldn't confirm what I already knew to be true.
"Hey, isn't that your old boss?" Leah whispered to me. I couldn't answer. I felt faint, still unwilling to look up and see her standing there. I gripped my chair, praying I wouldn't fall out of my seat.
"Good morning and welcome to anatomy lab. My name is Dr. Torres. I am a orthopedic surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. I will be your anatomy lab professor for the semester" She stopped abruptly; I felt her eyes on me. I imagined her standing there, gawking at me, unwilling to believe that it was I sitting there. She cleared her throat and continued on.
"Today, we are going to go over the basics. The rules of the lab, the tools and a few different cuts that will allow you to best utilize your cadavers. Alright, one person from each table head to the back room and get your cadaver. They are on carts, so just wheel them over and your table mates can help you transfer them onto the table correctly"
"Leah, go" Teddy hissed. She then elbowed me.
"Arizona, don't lose your shit, but you need to look up. Right now" I took a deep breath and slowly lifted my eyes. There she was, my Callie, standing less than thirty feet from me. She had cut her hair, short, similar to mine. How predictable, that both of us responded the same after the end of our relationship. But what I didn't notice until that moment, when I stopped looking at her shorter hair and her eyes cast downwards, was that Callie, the woman I loved, was pregnant.
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The rest of class, I just sat there, staring at her. I didn't take notes, I didn't look at her elegantly put together power point slides or even listen to what she was saying. She didn't make eye contact with me, not once. But I couldn't look away. How could she be pregnant? Only ten weeks had gone by since I had seen her...yet she was visibly pregnant, maybe five months along? My mind spun; how had this happened? How had I just realized this?
"Arizona, she dismissed us, it's time to go" Leah said, nudging me out of my trance.
"Right, sorry" I said.
"Are you okay? You didn't take any notes the entire class..." Leah said quietly as we gathered our things.
"Yeah. Yeah I am fine" I said.
"You can borrow my notebook later, if you need it" She said. I offered her a small smile and looked around. Our classmates were shuffling out of the doors.
"Arizona Robbins, may I speak to you in my office?" Callie announced, gesturing to the small office towards the back of the lab.
I stared at her, while everyone else was staring at me, probably wondering what I could have possibly done to earn a one on one meeting with our anatomy lab professor on the first day of class. I felt Leah take my hand and give it a small squeeze.
"I will see you later" Leah said, walking out of class with Teddy. Teddy stuck her tongue out at Callie behind her back as she walked out the door. I couldn't help but laugh. This was all so ridiculous. Callie wasn't supposed to be here. I figured I would run into her sometime in the hospital during my 3rd or 4th year clerkships, but now? And she was pregnant? How had this happened? Sure, I had maybe noticed a couple extra pounds on her towards the end...but pregnant? No, no way did she ever look pregnant. But I also had assumed she wasn't sleeping with men. Maybe I had been ignoring what was right in front of me.
When everyone had left the room, Callie waved me back to her office. I followed in step behind her. I still couldn't believe this was happening. After all this time, all I wanted was to see her again, to know she was okay. And now that it was right in front of me, I wanted nothing more than to run far away from her, from this situation.
"Arizona, what are you doing here?" She said hurriedly, sitting down behind her desk.
"What am I doing here? What are you doing here! I told you I had been accepted to this medical school"
"Yes, but I told you to go to Hopkins... your parents wanted you to go to Hopkins..."
"I had accepted my spot here weeks before you told me to go to Hopkins. Did you really think I was going to fly to Hopkins just because you told me to? You are unbelievable..."I yelled angrily.
"I'm sorry okay? I just thought if I had ended whatever was between us, you would have no other reason to stay here. I thought you would go there and be successful and amazing and perfect...and find a way to be happy" She lowered her eyes and rubbed her temples. She always did this when she was upset or thinking about something that bothered her.
"You thought I was just going to fly away and be happy? Just like that? Are you kidding me? I was miserable, for weeks. I am still miserable because of how things ended between us. But I was moving on. I was starting to figure things out and here you are! Not only that, you're pregnant?! Calliope, what the hell happened? How did this happen?" I said hysterically.
"I never meant for this to happen. Owen and I slept together, once, since I had met you...It was after you had left me in your office that day you saw us kiss. I was lonely and desperate and upset and needed something, any connection to someone other than you" Callie said, trailing off.
"Arizona, I can't believe you are here. I thought you were gone. I really did. I thought you were on the other side of the country. I certainly never expected to be your teacher. None of this was easy for me either..." Callie said desperately. I just shook my head, feeling the tears welling in my eyes.
"I found out I was pregnant the day of that baby shower I dragged you to. I had missed my period for a couple months...but I had been under a lot of pressure, working a lot, and didn't think anything of it. When I found out, I panicked and did what I thought made sense. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, Arizona." She started choking up and took a moment to compose herself.
"I took this job because I wanted to cut back on surgery and teach. I needed a change. I was sick of going into surgery and not having you by my side. And I figured it would be good to rest before the baby came. I have always wanted to teach, I had told you I was offered a job here..."
"Yeah, you mentioned it like, twice, I thought it was just...something you had wanted to try in the future, not a job you were going to take within months!" I said.
"I'm sorry..." She said softly.
"And why didn't you tell me about the baby! Did you think I was just going to up and leave because of that?"
"I didn't know, Arizona. Owen was so excited when I told him...I was writing up divorce papers before I found out..."
"Fuck Owen. I am so sick of you thinking about no one but yourself and Owen. What about me? One day, you find out you're pregnant and the next you leave me in the dust? Even worse, you assumed I would just be fine and fly across the country to the next best thing just because you said so? After everything that had happened between us? Is that all you think you were to me?" She shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes.
"How far along are you?" I mumbled.
"22 weeks, today" She whispered.
I believed her, she looked like a first time mother at 22 weeks. Showing just enough to know she was pregnant but not hugely so. It had been 22 weeks since Teddy's birthday, if I was doing my math right. Callie must have sensed that I was doing the mental math.
"I wouldn't like to you about this Arizona" She said. I nodded, believing her. I looked, meeting her gaze. She was as beautiful as I had ever seen her, her skin glowing with those pregnancy hormones everyone always talked bout.
"Are you happy?" I asked, my voice cracking. Tears ran down my cheeks.
"Yes" She whispered. Good, I thought, that is all I needed to know. I stood up from my chair and unlocked the door.
"I'll see you next class" I said.
"Arizona, wait" She said, coming up behind me. I felt her belly graze my back. She took step back, but rested her hand on my hand that was on the door knob. The chemistry between us was tangible; it has been so long since I had felt her touch.
"I missed you, so much" She whispered into my ear. I almost let go. I almost let myself fall back into her. Until reality slapped me in the face again, the cruelty of losing her, the reminder of the pain I felt when I lost her.
"Please...don't. Please leave me alone. This hurts too much. I can't go through this again" I pleaded with her. With that, I opened the door and ran out of the building.