Chapter 9 - Those 3 Little Words
"Please say something Alle," John Cena finally spoke, shattering the silence that had formed around them in the empty locker room.
John raised his eyes as he spoke and sure enough, Alle was still seating in the small position. Leaning back into the couch she was sitting on, legs pressed against each other, hands on her knees and her eyes focused on the same spot of carpet in front of her. She looked almost like she was in a trance. Completely consumed by her thoughts that she was pretty much in her own world. Even John's words didn't break her from it.
"What else is there to say John," Alle suddenly spoke so softly she might as well have been whispering, "I'm pregnant. I'm going to have your baby."
John simply nodded as he continued to look at the young woman before her. Her eyes still focused on that same spot as she answered him.
"So you're having the baby then?" John spoke again, trying to get something out of her.
An emotion. More words. More answers.
"Of course I'm having the baby," Alle replied softly again "You want me to give it up don't you?"
"God I hate it when you do that Al," John sighed as he raised his voice without even meaning to.
The words tumbled straight from his heart and out of his mouth before he could even think about it. Alle's eyes shot up immediately and they locked with Cena's.
"Do what?" Alle genuinely asked as she held Cena's gaze. Her bright hazel eyes staring at him. "You don't want this baby do you?"
"That!" John spoke again, his voice slightly raised again as this time he explained "I hate it when you assume all the wrong things about you. You always assume the worst of me Al. I don't know why you do but and I hate it."
John paused for a moment and ran his fingers through his short brown hair as his eyes closed for a moment. She wanted to continue what he wanted to say. Finally get it off his chest but he wanted to take a moment to think about his words so they came out exactly the way he wanted them too. He wanted to hurt Alle by saying the wrong thing or by saying something completely insensitive about her or their baby. He wanted to say all the right words, in exactly the right order. Opening his eyes he sought out Alle's.
"I'm not a bad guy no matter what notion in your head is trying to make me out to be," John started, his voice returning to his normal volume "Sure I may not be the world's best boyfriend but I'm sure not the world's biggest jackass. After everything we've been through I thought that you of all people would know that Al."
"I do," Alle nodded, her eyes falling.
"Sure I didn't plan on having kids right now but I wouldn't ever even think about making you give up our baby if you didn't want to," John continued.
"Our baby?" Alle suddenly spoke, seeking out Cena's eyes once more.
"Yeah," John replied, a small smile working its way across his lips "Our baby."
"I'm sorry," Alle suddenly blurted out before silence had a chance to settle in the room.
"It's OK," John replied with a nod.
"I don't think you're the world's biggest jackass I really don't," Alle continued as she drew her hands closer to her body and entwined them together "It's just that I thought that any other guy in this situation wouldn't…."
"But I'm not any other guy Al," John interrupted her assuringly as he instinctively tried to get closer to his ex-girlfriend.
The Dr Of Thugonomics dropping to his knees on the floor as he scooted over to a place infront of Alle Dumas. His hands reaching up to entwine with hers.
"I am not any other guy Al," John continued as he stroked the back of her hand with his thumb "If you want his baby then I'm going to support you and we're going to get through this together."
"I think I'm scared," Alle suddenly blurted out as her response.
"What do you mean?" John asked curiously as he looked intently at her face though her eyes had diverted from his to her lap "What do you mean you think you're scared sweetheart?"
"I just think," Alle started to explain herself "There's so many things running through my mind, so many emotions I'm trying to deal with right now that it's so hard to figure out how I feel. I mean how I really feel about this."
"Let me help you then," John suggested with a smile as Alle's eyes rose to look into his.
"How?" Alle asked, a confused expression settling on her face.
"Did it ever cross your mind to not have the baby?" John asked.
"Never," Alle said straight away and strongly as she furiously shook her head from side to side.
"Then you're obviously not that scared about it Al," John Cena replied with a smile "You can't be that scared of being a mom and having this baby if it never even crossed your mind to not have it right?"
Alle thought over his words before she nodded slightly.
"Do you want to keep the baby when you have it?" John questioned again.
"I want to but I don't know if I can," Alle replied straight away.
"What do you mean?" John asked, not quite sure what the brunette meant.
"I mean what if I can't give this baby the beautiful life that I want to give him or her," Alle started to explain, her body language finally relaxing as she held Cena's hands in hers and spoke from her heart "I don't want to keep this baby if I can give him or her absolutely everything I have and everything this world has to offer."
"I know what you mean," John replied with a small nod.
"I think if anything that's what I'm scared of," Alle continued "Bringing a gift as precious as a child into this world and then not being able to give that child the world and so much more."
Cena immediately noticed the single tear from Alle Dumas' eye as soon as it started to fall. The Dr Of Thugonomics detached one of his hands from hers and reached up to her face to brush away that tear as well as the second tear that followed it. He brushed her soft skin with the pad of his right thumb before hooking his finger underneath her chin and making her look into his eyes as he spoke.
"You are going to be a great mother Alle," John spoke as he locked his gaze with Alle's "I know that you are going to love this child with everything you have and I know that you are going to be able to give them absolutely everything. I know it Alle."
"You think so?" Alle asked, her voice as vulnerable as ever as she questioned Cena.
"I know that you are an amazing woman and you're going to be an even more amazing mother to this child," John replied with a smile.
Alle couldn't stop the tears from suddenly all free falling at the same time as she finally broke down. John Cena lifted himself up on his knees and engulfed the small brunette in his arms. She held him close as he wrapped one arm around her waist and the other around her neck, his hand gently stroking her long brown hair at the back of her head. He closed his eyes as he savoured the moment. She fitted so perfectly in his embrace. So much more perfectly than any other woman he had ever been with. She was perfect. She was perfect for him in every single way and it killed him every time he lost her due to one of their stupid fights. It killed him and he didn't want to lose her ever again, especially now that she was pregnant with his baby.
"Alle," John finally spoke as he loosened the embrace and distanced himself from her so he could speak to her as he looked into her eyes.
He took his hands and fitted them perfectly around her face as he drew her close to him again.
"I want to be here for you Al," John continued as he looked into Alle's eyes "I want to be here for you and our baby every step of the way. I don't want to miss out of a single moment of it. Any of it and I'm through, I'm done missing you because we're not together."
"I've missed you so much John," Alle said as she smiled at him.
"I've missed you baby," John replied, clearing his throat as he continued with what he wanted to say "I want to be with you forever and I want you to know that."
"I do," Alle replied.
"Please don't leave me again," John suddenly spoke, clearing his throat again to try and control his emotions and the tears that were welling behind his eyes "Please don't leave again Alle. Not now with the baby. Not anymore."
"I don't want to leave you," Alle quickly blurted out, leaning forwards suddenly and capturing Cena's lips with her own as she kissed him.
John kissed her back straight away as he drew her face nearer to his, using his hands that were still cupping her cheeks. In turn Alle's hands moved to his face and cupped his cheeks before she suddenly pushed against his chest for a little distance and a little air.
Alle's smile had disappeared when John had opened his eyes. She looked sad again and he knew, after all these years, that something else was playing on her mind. He remained silent, a part of him knowing that she had something to say to him. Another part of him knew that he wasn't going to like what it was either.
"Every time I left you John I never wanted to," Alle started, her voice shaky and unsure as she forced the words from her mouth "Every time I left I didn't want to just like I don't want to leave you now. I don't want to leave you ever John. You know I don't right?"
John immediately nodded slightly as he paid complete attention. Alle's eyes suddenly starting to wander the room again as she continued speaking.
"I want this baby and you know that too John," Alle continued "I want this baby and I want you. I want us to be a family."
"I want that too Al," John quickly interjected, assuming where her words were going "I want all that. I want us to be a family. I want to be with you and this baby. I want this baby to have family. I want that too Alle, please don't think I don't."
"I know you do John," Alle replied as she let out a sigh "But then we come back to the reason that we keep fighting and that we keep breaking up."
John sighed as he realised the point in this conversation that they had reached. Alle's hands slowly dropped to her sides as did his.
"I don't believe in marriage Alle," John sighed as he closed his eyes "I don't and you know that."
"I know," Alle almost whispered "I don't think I'll ever understand why but I know you don't."
"There's nothing to understand," John replied, almost coldly "I just don't believe in it."
This time Alle sighed.
"I know you don't believe in marriage John," Alle repeated "I know I've said that I believe it in, but I don't believe in going through life believing in something that's made me lose the only man I've ever loved."
John's eyes suddenly shot up in disbelief as he listened to the words he was hearing from her lips. In all the millions and millions of conversations about marriage and all the hundreds and hundreds of fights about it, never once had Alle Dumas uttered the statement she had just delivered. Marriage was always something she would push whenever their relationship was moving from fun to serious. Marriage was always something she had believed in so strongly yet she had never been able to give an explanation as to why. She believed in it but she could never say why. John was sure that she didn't even know why she believed in marriage yet it was something she would continuously push. John was confused as to why she had changed her tune completely.
"I love you more than anything in this world John," Alle continued as John's hands soon entwined with hers again "I love you more than anything. I want to be with you more than anything and if that means that I can't get married like I always wanted to then I'm willing to let it go. I don't want to get married if I can't get married to you. I don't want to get married to anyone or be with anyone but you John."
"I don't want to be with anyone but you either baby," John blurted out as he reached a hand up to touch the side of Alle's face.
"I want this baby to have a family and I've realised that that doesn't mean that we have to get married," Alle continued "We don't have to get married to be a couple and we don't have to get married to give this baby a family. Getting married is not going to make us a better family and neither is it going to make me love you anyone than I do. I don't think it's even possible."
John leaned forward and placed a kiss on Alle's cheek followed by one on her lips.
"I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy," John blurted out as he reached forward and ran his fingers through Alle's loose brown hair "I want to spend the rest of my life with you and our baby. We're going to a family and we're going to be so happy together. I promise you Alle."
And with that Alle leaned forward and planted a sweet, soft kiss on John's lips. John reciprocated with a kiss of his own before the two found themselves lost in eachother's lips. John's hands continued to entwine through her hair as he pulled her as close to him as he possible could. He'd missed her kiss. Her soft lips. The smell of her hair. Even the littlest things like the softness of her touch on his chest sent shivers down his spine even through his T-shirt right now in this moment. She absolutely had a way with him that no other woman had. Whether she was just looking into his eyes or whether her lips were on that spot on the side of his neck that drove him absolutely wild, she completely captivated him. She took his breath away and she had from the very first moment he'd met her.
When they'd first met he refused to believe that a woman could make him feel the way that she made him feel that first night. Effortlessly beautiful in just jeans and a T-shirt, just that first smile she'd given him from across the room as she made her way over to him had sparked something inside him already. The conversation flowed from the very first word, she'd genuinely laughed at every one of his horrendous jokes and she'd refused to let him inside when he dropped her back at her apartment. There weren't many girls that refused WWE Superstar John Cena entry and potential wrestling of another kind after a first date, but Alle had. All he got that night was a goodnight kiss on the cheek, nothing more but just enough to make him know that he had to have her. Just enough to make him know that he would definitely be calling her the next day. That he would definitely be craving to see her again as soon as he possibly could. John Cena didn't fall all over girls like that, especially girls he'd only just met and that had refused him sex. Usually he would have moved on, found someone else, found someone different, but that's what had drawn him to Alle. She was different. She was different to all the others. She was different to all the girls in his past. She was the different he was looking for and he hadn't even known it. She was the one and he knew it from the very first moment he met her.
Alle soon broke John out of his thoughts as she slowed down the intense make-out session into a few short kisses before she completely distanced herself from Cena. A beautiful smile crossed her flawless complexion as she ran a hand down John's cheek. He smiled back at her as one of his hands came to rest at the base of her neck to pull her closer. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead as his other hand came to rest on the small of her back.
"Tell me you love me," Alle suddenly blurted out softly, shattering the silence.
And just like that things went from being perfect to being shattered into something so completely wrong.
The silence in the room enveloped them again and John Cena just sat there without saying a word. He knew it was his turn to say something in this conversation but he didn't know what to say. He knew she was waiting for an answer but he didn't know what to say. He knew it was simple and he knew it was supposed to be easy but he didn't know what to say.
"Just say it John and I'm yours," Alle said, a single tear rolling down her cheek "Tell me you love me and I'm all yours. Forever."
John remained silent in his spot as his hand at the base of her neck fell to join the other at her back. He couldn't even look into her eyes. He knew she was crying. He knew she had tears in her eyes and he didn't want to see it. He couldn't say it.
"Those three little words," Alle said, almost trying to coax the phrase out of him as she reached out a hand and cupped his cheek.
"If they're so little," John said softly as his eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of her hand on his cheek "Why do you need to hear them?"
"Because I need to know," Alle said honestly, sighing.
"You already do," John replied as his eyes opened and one of his hands came up to hold hers that was cupping cheek "You know I do Alle."
John then made the mistake of looking up and meeting her eyes. He was right. Tears were welling in those beautiful hazel eyes of hers and it broke his heart to see it. Every time they fought he'd have to leave as soon as he saw the tears welling or he'd purposely make her angry just to get her to stop crying. He could handle her yelling and screaming at him and throwing him out. He could deal with her being angry with him. He could deal with that, but he couldn't deal with her crying. It broke his heart in two at the sight of one tear falling from her eyes. It absolutely broke him to see her hurting. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to make her cry. It was the last thing on his mind and yet it always seemed to be the same story recently.
"Please Alle," John spoke again, his voice softer than before "You know I do more than anything."
"Then why can't you say it?" Alle said, the tears starting to roll down her cheeks "Why can't you tell me you love me?"
"Please Alle, don't," Josh said closing his eyes as he took a deep breath in, his hand cupping Alle's face loosened slightly.
"Why can't you tell me you love me John?" Alle repeated her question as the tears continued to roll down her cheeks "If you love me why can't you say it?"
"I just can't," John replied honestly as he opened his eyes and stared into her sad hazel eyes "You know I can't Al, I just. I just can't."
Alle took a moment to look at the man before her before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in and then removed her hand from his cheek to furiously rub at the tears in her eyes and her tear stained cheeks. She looked at him again sitting before her looking at her with those blue eyes. She wanted more than anything to just forget it and just surrender herself into his arms. Feel those strong arms around her and his soft lips on her forehead. Things would be perfect. Would be, but she couldn't forget it. She couldn't drop it. She needed to hear he loved her. She needed to hear those 3 words. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was pointless and why bother, but she needed it.
Alle took a deep breath and cleared her throat.
"I'm having an ultrasound next week," she stately flatly, trying not to show any emotion in her voice at all as she spoke to him "I'll give you a call and let you know when so you can be there if you can make it."
"Alle please don't walk away from me again," John blurted out as soon as the last word had left her lips "Please talk to me."
Alle closed her eyes, refusing to cry again, and simply shook her head.
"I'll talk to you later John," Alle quickly spoke before turning heel and heading straight for the door.
The brunette was on the other side of the door before she knew it, but she didn't stop behind the closed door. She kept walking and knew she couldn't stop until she reached her car in the back parking lot. She didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want to talk to anyone and she didn't want John Cena chasing after her. She couldn't deal with anymore of it tonight especially when she knew she was going to be crying herself to sleep tonight because she wouldn't be able to get him off her mind. John Cena. Stupid John Cena.
It had been 17 years since she had let him into her mind and 17 years since she had let him into her heart and into her life. 17 years. 17 years he had consumed her thoughts. 17 years he had consumed her life. 3 failed marriages later and a million and half break-ups between them and she and John Cena were still not on the same page. Each and every failed marriage ended with him and her finding their way back to each other and then the start of each and every failed marriage had been a result of them breaking up again. It had taken its toll on her and she hadn't even realized it and yet here she was still in love with him. Still in love with him as much as she was when he first told her she was the one 16 years old. Still in love with him as much as she was when he chased after her in the pouring rain that night 12 years old after they'd had the biggest fight of their lives. Still in love with him as much as she was when he told her moments earlier that he wanted to be with her forever. That he wanted to be a family, and yet he couldn't just say that he loved her. He could tell her he wanted to be with her forever but he couldn't tell her he loved her. She had dealt with it for 17 years but she couldn't deal with it anymore. She couldn't settle for it anymore especially now she was carrying his child. This baby changed everything and she needed to hear it now.
Somewhere in her heart she knew John loved her, but somewhere in the back of her mind every day she wondered if he really did.
A/N: OMG! It's been like 5 ½ million years since I updated this story and I AM RIDICULOUSLY SORRY READERS! I love this story and so many times I have wanted to update but haven't had the time and then forgotten all about it when I have had the time! It's now summer break from college – WOOOOO – and I am planning on kick starting back into this story! I hope all my loyal readers are still here, I know it's been awhile but I am ready to get back on the 'One Secret' train and get this story really underway. This was one of the connecting chapters in the story so I know not a lot happened but we haven't really had much of the Alle/John love story so I thought I'd get it better established and especially with the baby on the way. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! Look out for the next chapter which will hopefully hopefully be up soon Chapter 10 – Boys Should Think With Their Brains. Love you all, God Bless, Until Next Time, Mrs Bridget Orton xoxo