By the time we reached the hospital cafeteria, the place was packed with Seattle Grace staff. Against all odds, the Seattle Grace cafeteria had been turned into an elegant space. There were lights hanging from the ceilings, delicious food and drinks laid out where crappy coffee and sandwiches usually were. There was even a moderate sized dance floor with a DJ playing halfway decent music. Subconsciously, I quickly scanned the room for Callie. She wasn't in sight, at least not yet. I took Leah's hand and turned to her.
"Let's get champagne" I said, pulling her to the makeshift bar area. She followed my lead and grabbed two glasses of champagne, seemingly one for each of us. I grabbed two more; I was going to need a buzz to get through this night.
After downing my first two glasses, we mingled with the other scribes and a few other residents we had gotten to know during our time at Seattle Grace. Despite my initial reluctance about going to this party, I was actually having a good time. Even more than that, it was nice having Leah by my side, being on half of a couple. It almost felt like we were actresses at times; I put my hand on hers at just the right times in our conversations with others. She whispered in my ear flirtatiously whenever someone was watching us interact. We fit the roles we had created so well that no one would have suspected we were anything but madly in love. Yet every moment I wasn't consumed in conversation with my fellow coworkers, Leah by my side, I caught myself scanning the room for the one person I didn't want to see. I stopped myself every time I realized what I was doing and forced myself to instead look at Leah, put my hand on her thigh or kiss her cheek. But in those moments when my mind began to wander, it was always in search of Callie.
"Let's dance" Leah said, standing up during the middle of one of those moments when I was looking over my shoulder, my eyes glazed over with a slightly lost look on my face. She extended her hand, prompting me out of my chair. I smiled, taking her hand and following her to the dance floor. I rested my arms on her shoulders and she put her hands on my waist, pulling me in close for the slow song playing overhead. Our faces felt awkwardly close, causing us both to laugh uncomfortably and take as step back. I lowered my eyes, trying to find a rhythm with her. Our relationship felt like that sometimes, both of us trying to figure out the right rhythm between us. With every step we took, the rhythm improved, yet I never felt exactly in sync with her.
"You're thinking about something, Arizona. What is it?" Leah asked.
"Am not" I said.
"Yes, you are. You get this slightly pinched look on your face whenever you concentrate. You have it now. So what is it?" Leah asked.
"I am thinking about you" I said. It was true, I thought, partially anyway. She shook her head, laughing to herself.
"What?!" I asked. She smiled at me, squeezing my hips lightly as we continued to sway back and forth.
"I am going to say something. And you are just going to listen, okay? No interrupting" She said. I nodded, tracing the back of her neck with my thumb.
"When I was 16, my dad died in a car accident"
"Oh my god, that's terrible. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Hey, I said no interrupting. But for the record, you have never asked about my parents. Not once" I broke eye contact with her, silently shaming myself for my ever frequent lack of interest in Leah's life prior to me.
"My dad died, so young. My mom...she didn't cope well. She spent the next year in bed and the years following at the bar down the street. Anyway, I don't see her much anymore unless I am bailing her out of jail for her umpteenth DWI" She trailed off for a moment, looking at the floor briefly. How had I been so blind to this underlying pain?
"The day my dad died felt like the day my life stopped for a long time. I have spent the last seven years of my life just getting through each day. I didn't think about the future because these individual days were too much to bear. But in the last six months, all these amazing things have happened. I got a job at Seattle Grace. I was accepted into medical school. And the best of all, I met you" She said, a smile forming on her face when she uttered 'you'.
"And now, I feel like I have a future again. I think about us, Arizona, you and I, and what we could be, and suddenly I see a future. Do you know how good that feels? To be able to think beyond the next few hours and see more than a life without the people you love the most in your life?" Leah said, becoming emotional. I pulled her closer as tears began to form in her eyes.
"I love you, Arizona. I just wish you would let me"
I felt the breath leave my body, a chill run up my spine. 'I love you'? Now? Guilt overwhelmed me. I couldn't find or form words.
"Don't freak out. I know you aren't there yet" Leah said, trying to lock eyes with me.
"I just need time. I could say I love you now, but it wouldn't be fair to me or you..." I whispered quietly to her "I just need some time to mean it"
She gave me a small smile and I pulled her into me, our heads side by side. I closed my eyes, just momentarily, allowing myself to take this moment in. I had such great love for Leah. I knew how good she was for me, how much we made sense together. Letting go of Callie would take time, but I would get there. I could get there. I just needed to keep trying.
When I opened my eyes, Leah still swaying in my arms, I saw her. Callie. She too was swaying in the arms of her lover. She too was wrapped up in another person. Yet when our eyes met, everyone else, everything else, fell away. Time slowed, stopping almost completely, our surroundings blurring as our eyes were so intensely locked on one another. Electricity, it ran through us, between us. It was just Callie and I in this big room, or maybe even in this world. Just like it always was since the day we met, crossing paths in that hospital hallway.
In that moment, when time crawled and the space around us collapsed, I realized that I never had a choice. Falling in love with Callie was never, ever a choice, but rather a force that had overcome me. This force had taken me, changed me, enlightened me and eradicated every belief I ever had about love and happiness. As much as I tried to fight this force between Calliope and I, it was unrelenting, it never slowed, never changed. And it would never, ever stop.
No, I never had a choice. It was always Calliope. It was always going to be Calliope.
This realization flooded over me. I felt myself flushing, sweating, starting to hyperventilate.
"I need some air" I said to Leah, pulling away from her. She looked at me, puzzled.
"Okay, let's go to the..."
"I will just be a minute. I need...a minute. I'll be back. Ok?" I said. Before she could let her permissive words slip her lips, I was gone, half running towards the exit and down the stairs. My legs were carrying me to the location, our location, before I even knew where I was going.
Callie and I's bungalow was just as we had left it; the bed unmade, books scattered on the floor, coffee cups in the garbage. It almost overwhelmed me more to be there, yet where else would I go? This place, much like Calliope, felt inevitable to me.
Just as I had begun to gather myself, splashing cold water on my face, I heard the door open. I knew it was her before she even stepped a foot into the door. I always knew it was her, I had a sixth sense for her. I recognized the way she turned the door handle, the rate at which she opened the door. I knew her so well. I could feel her in a room without seeing her.
"Arizona? Are you okay?" Callie stepped out from behind the shelves of medical supplies. My god, she was so beautiful. Her cheeks were lightly flushed, probably from chasing me down the stairs. Her short hair had just begun to grow out, soft curls hung just past her shoulders. And who could ignore her blossoming baby bump that somehow made her more desirable than ever.
"No. I'm not okay. Are you happy now? I am not okay! Because you are married. You have a husband. And you're pregnant! With his baby! Then you called me a whore. And now you are looking at me. Stop looking at me!" I said.
"I was not looking at you" Callie said defensively.
"You were looking at me! And you pull me in with your big brown eyes and I have no choice. Leah has plans! I like Leah. She is perfect for me! And I am really trying to be happy with her. But when you're looking at me...I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I can't see anyone else but you! I feel like there is no one else but you! So please, stop looking at me like that" I stopped myself, breathless. Callie looked at me, her eyes stern, on the verge of full on rage.
"Do you think I want to be looking at you? That I wouldn't rather be searching the room for my husband? I am married! I am pregnant! I have responsibilities not only to my husband but our unborn child. Owen doesn't drive me crazy! Owen doesn't distract me with a single look from across the operating room. Owen doesn't set my body on fire with a single touch. And the thought of him touching another woman does not make me sick to my stomach. Arizona, I would give anything not to be looking at you" She yelled, tears welling in her eyes.
"You don't understand. You own me!" I exclaimed. Callie shook her head.
"No, Arizona. You own ME. Every feeling I have is controlled by the look on your face. I breathe for you. I exist, for you" She whispered, tears running down her face.
I sighed, my eyes pleading with her for an answer. She turned to the wall adjacent to the bed, resting a single hand against the wall. I knew I should leave, turn around and run out and forget this ever happened. Falling in love with Calliope may not have been a choice, but leaving before I destroyed all the progress I had made in the last few months was.
TBC :)