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"Scully?" Mulder had been looking for his partner for almost three hours when he went to pick up the kids from school and discovered that she already had. It took him another hour to find her at a playground they frequented. Scully was pushing both of the kids on the swings in the cold when he walked up to her.
"Mulder! Push me!" Megan instantly demanded once she realized he was there.
"Can you guys give us some alone time?" Scully asked the kids. It took some convincing, but eventually Megan and Zach ran off to play on the playset while Mulder and Scully sat down on a nearby bench. She didn't look at him.
"H-how?" was all Mulder could get out when he actually thought about the fact that Scully was pregnant.
"I don't know. And I don't really want to know."
"But what if there's something abnormal about it?"
"I had a sonogram at my doctor's appointment yesterday. Everything so far is perfectly fine."
"That's not what I'm talking about."
"Well I don't care what you're talking about. As far as I'm concerned, I have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me right now and it's a miracle and it's yours."
Mulder rubbed his hands over his face, wondering if there was anything he could say to make her understand that he was thrilled and scared shitless at the same time. How could this happen? The Consortium was gone, was it the Smoking Man? Why would he restore Scully's fertility at the same time an opportunity arose to restart his project, a project he had told Mulder more than once he wanted him to be a part of? Was it to distract them? Was it to get him out of the picture? Why not just shut down the X-Files if he wanted Mulder out of his hair?
Mulder's eye was caught momentarily by a dark-haired woman pushing a stroller down the sidewalk. She had on dark sunglasses, but he could have sworn she was looking at him and winking.
Jen.
The wish. The fourth wish that shouldn't have come true. It had led to a miracle.
"Mulder!" Scully yelled and snapped in his face. He didn't care if she had been trying to say something. A wave of happiness washed over him.
"Scully…"
"Mulder, I just want to know what is going through your mind. I know it's not planned. But given the circumstances… I mean, I know that I—"
"Scully…"
"—have wanted this for so long and there's no way—"
"Scully," Mulder finally started to shake himself out of shock and took her hands in his. He looked into her eyes for the first time since their fight and what he found there absolutely devastated him. She was so sad. She was so sad when she had been given a miracle. She didn't need to be sad because of him.
Stroking the back of her hand with his thumbs, Mulder lost all words. How could he apologize to her? How could he show her that this was where he wanted his life—their lives—to go?
Mulder had the nagging feeling that he would have to give some things up. Not just for this new baby, but for Megan and Zach as well. And he knew what it would have to be.
"Scully… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he leaned in and kissed her stony face. "I'm so happy. You're right. This is a miracle. And I don't care what it is I have to do, you and Zach and Megan and this baby are my world and—"
"Stop," she interrupted him. Scully's characteristically skeptic nature showed plainly on her face, and Mulder felt like shit knowing that he had made her feel that he didn't want what she had been dreaming and yearning for. "Mulder, don't lie to me. If you can't commit to a family, then don't pretend like you want this. There are things that neither of us are going to be able to do anymore, Mulder, because of our family. I don't think you've really thought about that."
"I'm ready, Scully."
"No you're not. Because you want to put your life at risk and go to Oregon with Alex Krycek."
He did want to go. He did want to give his life's work meaning, and he felt a strong force pulling him toward the state. But he could see the conflict in Scully's eyes and he could hear Megan and Zach laughing in the background and what if he didn't come back? He'd miss this every day. He'd miss seeing his children grow and develop and change and he'd miss his baby being born and he'd leave Scully with so much to take care of on her own, more than anybody should have to deal with by themselves. It was what he would miss. And what he wouldn't be able to do. That was what changed his mind.
"I can't go," he told her quietly.
"I don't want you to just say that because it's what I want to hear. I don't want you to hate me."
"I could never hate you. Especially not when… you're right."
"I'm sorry Mulder. When Zach and Megan came into our lives, I don't think I realized what it meant for both of us. And now with the baby, I just don't want you to hate us because things are never going to go back to normal," she was fighting so hard not to cry. It was killing Mulder to see the turmoil she was going through. He pulled her close and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I'm not going, Scully. You're right. And I was right. There has to be an end. This is the end. This is what changes everything. This is how we know it's time to move on."
"How can you just decide that? It has been your life."
"You are my life. The four of you."
Scully was having a hard time believing that this wasn't too good to be true. There had to be a catch.
"It's going to be hard," she sniffled.
"Yes it will," Mulder stroked her hair. "But our kids need us both to be safe."
"Yeah they do."
"And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad. I know I need some work, but—"
"Mulder, I didn't mean what I said earlier. I don't think you're a horrible dad."
"I just… I know how I grew up. I never want a kid to feel like I did."
"Our kids won't."
Mulder breathed a deep sigh and kissed Scully on the forehead.
"You were always my biggest champion. You're too good for me."
"You just don't see yourself the way I do."
They were playing with each others' fingers when they heard two pairs of little sneakers running toward them at full speed.
"Whoa!" Scully exclaimed, catching Megan in her arms. She could see Mulder wince, already concerned that the kids would be too rough with her while she was pregnant, though he was completely overreacting. Megan giggled and rolled her head back. Looking at Scully upside-down, though, she noticed the drying tear tracks streaking her face.
"Are you crying Dana?" she suddenly got worried and sat up in her lap.
"No," Scully was a horrible liar, though, and rubbed at her eyes.
"What's the matter?" Megan asked, putting her hands on Scully's cheeks and wiping away the residual wetness.
"Nothing's the matter."
"Then why were you crying?"
"Meggie—"
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," Megan started singing with a look of pure desperation on her face. It was the exact same song Scully sang to the kids whenever they were upset. They must have heard it at least fifty times each. The knowledge that she was terrified of Scully being upset concerned the adults, but they had to keep it together for her sake.
"You make me happy when skies are gray," Scully joined in, cradling the little girl close and rocking her almost imperceptibly, becoming increasingly terrified at the prospect of bringing a baby into a family that already had two struggling children.