Many hours later, before I was even fully awake, I knew Tim had died. His death lingered all around me like a thick fog of tobacco smoke that I couldn't help but take in. I laid there for minutes, hours, unwilling to open my eyes and face a world without Tim. He was filled with too much goodness, too much joy. How could the world keep spinning without its greatest light? How could time continue to tick away when it felt like everything should stop and mourn the loss of my beloved brother?
When I finally did open my eyes, my parents were there. My father, typically stoic and poised, was crumpled in a chair in the corner of my room. His sea blue eyes had drifted away, the light in his eyes had vanished. My mother was clutching the coffee beside him, tears rolling down her cheeks as steady as a gentle rain. When they realized their only remaining child was finally conscious, they hardly batted an eye. Rather, they avoided my gaze, unwilling to speak the unspeakable.
"Your boss, Dr. Torres...she fought like hell to keep you sedated after you passed out in the elevator" My mother nervously chatted, "The other doctors wanted to wake you so they could assess your injuries. But she refused. She said you would be...hysterical. She knew you were okay, she said. The other doctors made her do a full body CT scan anyway, but the only thing they found was your elbow. It was shattered pretty badly they said. That Dr. Torres, she made sure you were asleep for the whole thing. She took you to the operating room right after...She fixed your elbow. It took a few plates and a dozen screws, but she put you back together. She has been walking past your room every few hours it seems, making sure you are okay. She's a damn good doctor..." My mother choked on a sob as she spoke that last sentence. My father put his hand on her knee as she crumpled into his chest. I looked at my arm; it was suspended in the air on a few pulleys, yet my fingers were still swollen, purple sausages.
"Arizona, we need to make...arrangements" My father said. "It has been two days since...your mother and I have decided to have the funeral here in Seattle, tomorrow."
I closed my eyes, letting a wave of sorrow within me crest and wash through me. I bit my lip and nodded, trying to hold the sobs at bay.
"Technically, you are free to leave the hospital whenever you are ready. Dr. Torres said she would have one of her residents fit you for a cast when you are feeling up for it. They let you stay and sleep a few nights due to the...circumstances..." He muttered. I nodded again in response.
"I just want to go home" I whispered.
"Why don't you stay the night with us, honey? We have..things...to discuss" My mother said.
"Like what? Casket sizes and flower colors? Who gets his guitar and who gets his military uniform? You make the decisions, for all of it, I don't care" I said sharply. My mother looked away, pain embedded in every line on her face. On any other day, in any other circumstance, my father would have given me a firm scolding for being so crass, especially to my mother. But now, he looked too defeated to do any sort of scolding.
"I'll go get the nurse, for the cast" He said, leaving the room. My mother looked to me, tears welling in her eyes. I believe we had a mutual acknowledgment in that moment that Tim deserved to be lying in this bed, while I deserved to be lying in the morgue, cold and alone. She too left the room. I realized then that my mother and father no longer saw me as their daughter, but as the person who had taken their son from them.
As soon as I had my cast on, I left the hospital and started running. I declined a ride from my parents back to my apartment, and Teddy's offer to pick me up from the hospital. Instead, I ran. My arm throbbed beside me, but I kept running anyway, letting the pavement pound beneath my feet. I didn't let anything enter my mind, not Tim, not Callie, nothing. I just ran, hard, letting the ground beneath me take the beatings of my steps.
Eventually, hours later, I had to stop. My feet were blistered and my arm was pulsating with searing pain. My head spun with dehydration and exhaustion. I imagined Tim beside me, laughing his ass off at the shape I was in. "Come on, ya wuss, one more mile" He would say, poking me in the ribs. And with his prodding, I probably would go one more mile, because he made me stronger, better.
But Tim was gone, gone. I would never have the gusto in me to go that extra mile because I didn't have Tim's zest, his vivacity, with me. For the rest of my life, I would be without the enthusiasm for life that so many mornings, got me out of bed. Tim was such a light in my life; how was I ever going to navigate without him?
I opened the door to my apartment and saw Teddy sitting there, nervously waiting for me. Teddy, the only anchor I had left in my life. I went straight to my room and collapsed in bed. Too tired to cry, I laid there feeling anesthetized. I felt Teddy hovering in the doorway, then crawl in bed beside me.
"I don't know what to say..." Teddy said. For better or worse, Teddy always had something to say, always. Yet here we were, both speechless when there should have been so much to say.
"I called the medical school dean, he said you can have this week off" Teddy said. I didn't respond. The last thing I cared about right now was school.
"So many people have stopped by, Arizona. Half our medical school class, a bunch of Seattle Grace docs and nurses who worked on you and Tim after the accident, even Leah. She dropped some flowers off a couple hours ago. I'm pretty sure I saw her wandering around the ICU before you woke up. At first, no one knew why you were still unconscious. Everyone was, is, so worried about you" Tim, my last memory of him, gasping for air, blood pouring out of his mouth, ran through my mind. I shook, trying to erase the memory, all of it.
"Please don't say his name" I said quietly. Teddy was silent behind me momentarily.
"Has Callie...been here?" I asked.
"No. No she hasn't." Teddy said. "I was with her...after...she wasn't okay either, Arizona. After...she came to your room. You were still unconscious after falling in the hallway. Dr. Bailey was trying to wake you up, but Callie got really upset and demanded to take you to the OR right then and there. She said she wouldn't let you wake up without your brother and your arm broken..." Teddy paused for a moment, her voice catching on a sob.
"So she did the surgery, then and there. It was 1:00AM at that point but she made it happen. She didn't sleep that night. I know because I didn't sleep either. We both sat there, by your side, the entire night. And in the morning, when your parents finally got there, Callie walked by your room every half hour, at least she did until I had to go to class..."
"All night, huh? She was there?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, she really was" She said. I felt anger within me seize my chest, acid running up my throat.
"So where is she NOW? Huh? Here, now, she isn't here!" I yelled, sitting up in bed.
"Arizona...I know I have been less than fond of her in the past...but she loves you. She really, really loves you. The look in her eye after she lost Tim...I have never seen her so low. Dr. Torres is always on her A game, no matter what. Everyone says so. But when she lost Tim, and found out you had fainted, she lost it. Dr. Torres bends for no one, she is fierce and strong and unstoppable. But when it comes to you, she folds, she stops. And she made half the hospital stop with her for your surgery " Teddy paused briefly, "If she isn't here now, it's because she is trying to protect you."
"Protect me from what? AND I said STOP saying his name!" I screamed at Teddy.
"I am so so sorry. What happened to Tim, all of it, it wasn't your fault." Teddy said gently, putting her hand on mine. I pulled it away immediately. I didn't deserve to be consoled. i deserved to feel bad, to let this pain eat me alive. had I not been so fucking consumed in my own emotions for Callie, I would have never been driving in the first place. Instead of spending my last day with my brother, I was going to see Callie. Now, I was not only without my brother, but Callie wasn't here either.
"Please, just get out" I said to Teddy. Like everyone else today, she left without another word.