Hi readers! Thanks again for your comments. I do want to address a few of the negative comments, specifically the ones that said something along the lines of Tim died to create "drama".
I am not writing a soap opera here; I am simply telling a story. Of course, I want it to be exciting, engaging and fun to read, but I do not kill characters off lightheartedly in an attempt to make my story dramatic. Unfortunately, Tim's death is part of this story. It was not a means to an end (i.e., a way to bring Callie and Arizona back together), it just, is. It has been a part of my story since its conception because Tim's death largely defines who Arizona is on the show and I wanted to stay true to that in this story.
Anyway, let's get back to the story, shall we? :)
xxxxxx
I slept over thirteen hours that night, only waking an hour before the funeral service. I had been dreading falling asleep, I thought I would see Tim's last moments of life on repeat in my head. Thankfully, I dreamt of nothing but darkness.
The funeral was mind numbing. I stood behind my parents as we proceeded behind Tim's casket into the church service. So many people were there, even though the funeral was held in Seattle. Childhood friends, third cousins, Tim's friends from boot camp. Then of course there was Teddy and Henry. Even Leah and Dr. Hunt had come, each of them sitting alone near the back. Though I didn't lay eyes on every person in the room, I knew Callie wasn't there. She was always the first person I saw, the first person I felt, when I walked into a room. And when I walked into the church that day, I felt nothing but the emptiness I was already consumed by.
The service was nice I am sure. I didn't really listen. I was entirely focused on vacating my mind of everything so I didn't start shaking again. Ever since the accident, my nerves had continued to rattle inside me like a wild bird in a cage. It must be hereditary; I felt my father's hand trembling against the pew the entire service.
After the funeral, the pallbearers carried Tim away. My parents and I walked in step behind them out of the church. Watching them throw my brother into the hearse and shut the door behind him made me physically ill. Again, Tim's bloody face flashed through my mind and I felt myself begin to lose consciousness. Just as my vision began closing in on itself, I felt a familiar hand take me to the nearest bench to sit down.
"Now would be exactly the wrong time to pass out" Leah said as she sat down next to me. "Here, drink some water" I took the water bottle from her hands, taking three large gulps of it.
"Have you eaten today? Or the last few days?" She asked. I answered honestly.
"I don't know"
We sat there for a few moments while I finished off the water bottle. I watched my parents mingle with close relatives and Tim's friends. My mother was rambling through her grief, talking about anything superficial enough to not cause an emotional response. It seemed to make her feel better, I hope it truly did, or at least distracted her enough to think it was making her feel better. My father was sullen at her side, his thoughts clearly elsewhere. I wonder if he was trying to shut down his mind as desperately as I had been.
"You don't have to do this, you know" I said, handing Leah back her water bottle.
"Arizona, you lost your brother, your best friend. I may hate you, but I am not heartless. I'm here for you, whatever you need. You get a free pass for a while" She said. Lost your brother, your best friend. Those words stirred inside me as we watched the hearse drive away. I couldn't do this. Not yet. He was too young. Was this my fault? How could I forgive myself? Tim as so good, so much better than I could ever be. I stole that from him. This was too much.
"Running shorts, a t-shirt and shoes" I sputtered. Leah looked to me confused.
"I need to go for a run. Now. Do you have any of those things in your car?" I asked frantically.
"Everyone is about to go to the burial site...Don't you think you should wait until after..."
"Just go get the clothes and shoes. Okay? Please?" I begged. Reluctantly, she began to walk towards her car.
"Dad, I am leaving" I said, interrupting my parents's phony conversations with my great uncle. They looked at me appalled. Fuck them. Fuck all of this. This is not what I needed right now.
"Arizona, we are going to the burial site, you can't leave now" My mother said to me. My father didn't even look my direction. He was somewhere else, his thoughts completely elsewhere. Had he even heard me?
"I can't watch them bury my brother into the dirt. I just...can't. I will find you later" I said, departing before my mother could protest. I walked towards Leah, grabbed the clothing out of her hands. After changing hastily in the bathroom, I took off, out the back door of the church. Away from the loss in my father's eyes, away from the trembling in my mother's voice and away from the fear and sorrow I felt in this new chapter of my life, a life without my brother.
xxxxx
I ran all the way home. The church was nearly ten miles from my apartment; it took me an hour and a half. I ran fast and hard and was dripping sweat by the time I reached my apartment door. Although my legs felt like they were going to crumple into pieces beneath me, all I wanted to do was keep going. In exhaustion, I found peace. When my feet stopped moving, my thoughts came to life again. I wasn't ready to face this yet, not any of it.
The funeral was likely still going on, or at least the lunch after was. I prayed I had the apartment to myself. All I wanted to do was take a few sleeping pills and fall into the deep slumber I had been in last night, where my thoughts were scarce and the pain and loss were minimal.
But when I put on hand on my apartment door, I found it to be unlocked, not a good sign.
"Teddy? Are you here?" I yelled as I walked into my apartment. No response. A good sign, I thought, until I heard my bedroom door creak open. Of course she was here, I thought, the one time I didn't want her, need her, to be.
"Calliope?" I whispered as she emerged slowly from my bedroom. Unlike me, who was dressed in full workout gear, Callie was dressed for a funeral. Long black dress, black shoes, deep red lipstick. More than that, she looked distraught, like she had been crying for days. Her eyes were sunken in yet swollen. I, on the other hand, looked less like the grieving sister and more...vacant. The emptiness inside me was written all over my face.
"Arizona...I..." She shook her head, unable to speak more. In normal circumstances, seeing Callie like this would have broken my own heart. I would have gone to her, held her, brought her to bed and laid next to her until the tears stopped coming. But staring at her, I felt nothing.
"I need to go to bed. Please, leave. Leave me alone" I said, walking past her into my bedroom.
"Isn't the funeral still going on?" Callie asked quietly.
"I left hours ago. I have no idea. Obviously you wouldn't know either, as you weren't there" I said, turning my lights off. She grimaced, clearing hitting a nerve with her.
"Arizona, you should go back. I will bring you. We can go together, or not..."
"No. I am perfectly fine here. You go though. Attempt to clear your conscience" I said nastily, crawling into bed, turning my back to her.
"This is not about my conscience. This is about Tim, and you. I want to be here for you... I don't want you to regret anything..." She pleaded, putting her hand on my shoulder as she sat down beside me. I shrugged her off immediately, sitting up abruptly.
"Here for me? You're kidding right?" The anger, it clenched my stomach again, the burning sensation rising in my throat. Callie just stared at me, holding her ground. I wasn't being fair. We both knew that. But she was prepared to take a beating anyway.
"Who did I see when I woke up from my sleep coma yesterday? Or when I got home from the hospital? Or the funeral today? Definitely not, you, not even a fucking phone call. Your HUSBAND was at the funeral. Leah, you remember, the girl who would actually tell me that she loved me, the one who I cheated on, with you? Yep, despite me royally fucking her over, she was there" She kept her eyes on me. Grief was written all over her face. She was struggling too. This was affecting more than just me, yet I didn't care. I was too hurt, too lost in a mess of my own guilt and sadness to pull myself out enough to realize that Callie wasn't okay either.
"I'm sorry, Arizona. I couldn't...you were so upset. I didn't want to make things worse" She whispered.
"So you sedated me? While my brother..." I felt a sob move up my throat. I choked it back and laid down again, wanting nothing but to close my eyes and sleep.
"Tim was gone before he even got to the hospital. We tried everything, but his pelvis, his ribs, even his sternum, were crushed. There was so much bleeding" She said...letting her voice fade out as she recalled the events of that day.
"I did everything I could" She whispered, tears running down her cheeks.
"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I knew how hurt he was? I was there! I saw him choking on his own blood. I saw the intensity of the pain in his eyes. Don't you think I know that if you couldn't save him, no one could?!" I screamed at her. She looked up at me, mild relief and confusion written on her face. I hastily pulled her into me, forcing her lips on mine. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to escape this guilt. I wanted her to stop looking at me and seeing Tim cut wide open in her OR.
"Arizona, stop. This isn't the right time" Callie said gently as I sucked on her neck, trying to coerce her out of her dress. I ignored her, ripping my own clothes off, ravenously trying to get her to kiss me back.
"Yes. Please" I pleaded, already snaking my hand up her dress.
"Don't do this, not now" Callie said more sternly than before.
"Why? Don't you want me any more?" I taunted her. She relented slightly, allowing me to snake my hand under her dress. Before I could reach her panties, she stopped me, abruptly and forcefully pushing me down onto the bed.
"Stop!" She yelled in my face. Unable to move, she hovered above me, a stern look on her face. I had pushed her too far, she was on the verge of snapping and we both knew it. I couldn't do this to her, blaming her, snapping at her, then manipulating her into sleeping with me. She was strong, but she would break, too, eventually. I closed my eyes, backing down. She ran her hand through her hair and sighed, rolling off me so we were both laying on our backs, looking at the ceiling and wondering what we had done to one another.
"I needed you" I whispered. "I needed you here." She nodded beside me, silent for a moment.
"I always knew what to do before you. I always knew what my next move was" Callie said in disbelief, looking over at me, "And now, I never know what to do anymore. I feel like even when I want to, I just can't get it right. You have brought complexity and this...this chaos to my life. Nothing is simple anymore. You have changed everything. Everything. But I can't go back. I don't want to go back" She said, taking my hand in hers. I didn't pull away, allowing myself this small comfort in one another, for now.
"I am here for you, now." She whispered in my ear, sending chill down my spine. So much had happened in this last week. I felt overloaded, my mind had decided to stop working altogether. I couldn't process this yet. Not now. I needed time. I needed to sort this out without her. I wasn't ready to be the person I wanted to be with her. I would hurt her, or she would hurt me, irreparably. We wouldn't survive, there would be too much damage.
"I need time, Calliope" I said, almost inaudibly. Whether she heard me or not, she kissed the base of my neck and held me close for a minute before letting go.
"I love you" She whispered. I nodded, and she walked out the door without another word.