Visitations

Chapter 2

Feet of Clay

The enticing aroma of Marinara sauce still hung in the air as the Castle clan sat down to dinner. "Kate," Martha inquired, "have you got a new case?"

Castle gloried in the soft gleams of light reflected from Kate's hair as she shook her head. "No, just paperwork."

"That explains why Richard wasn't with you," Martha commented.

"Mother," Castle protested, "I was writing. Now that I'm putting out both a Derrick Storm and a Nikki Heat every year, I really have to make up for lost time."

Kate reached out to take Castle's hand as the pall associated with his disappearance fell over the room. "Anyone for dessert?" Alexis asked, desperately attempting to lighten the mood. "It's chocolate."

"You go ahead," Castle instructed getting up from the table, "I just thought of an ending for my chapter."

"Stupid!" Martha berated herself, after he left.

"Martha," Kate soothed, "the last thing Castle wants is for everyone to walk on eggshells around him. He wants to get back to normal and teasing him about hating paperwork is normal. He'll be all right. I'll go check on him."

"I'll clean up," Alexis added helpfully.

Kate wrapped her arms around Castle's neck as he typed on his laptop. "You okay?" she asked.

Castle reached up to cover her hands with his. "I'm fine, but I really do want to finish this. Can we talk later?"

"Sure," Kate agreed reluctantly.

Searching the bedroom for her tablet, Kate was startled to hear her mother's voice behind her. "Problem?" Johanna asked.

"No – yes – I don't know," Kate answered. "Most of the time Castle and I try to act as if his disappearance never happened, but some little thing like a comment from Martha brings it back and he draws into himself. I'm not sure what's going on in his head."

"Not the first time you've been unsure about that, is it?" Johanna probed.

"No," Kate admitted.

"Let's go back to the first time," Johanna suggested.

Kate saw her younger self sitting opposite a scruffy but devastatingly handsome Castle, in the box. Her hair was short and she wore practically no makeup. She wasn't dressed to attract male attention but she certainly had his, as he offered to let her spank him for past criminal offenses.

"What do you think was going on here?" Johanna asked.

"Castle was being an immature self-centered jerk," Kate answered.

"You were angry." Johanna stated.

"I was furious," Kate agreed.

"Why?" Johanna asked. "Certainly you had to put up with much worse things in interrogations than someone acting like a jackass. Why did it bother you so much?"

"Because I thought he – and he wasn't and I..." Kate stammered.

"Because the Castle in your head, the writer you had a crush on, was deep and insightful and the Castle you thought you saw in front of you didn't match the heroic image you'd created," Johanna stated matter-of-factually.

"Yes," Kate grudgingly agreed.

"But despite that, you wanted to jump his bones and hated yourself for it," Johanna continued.

Kate nodded.

"Do you think Castle really is an immature self-centered jerk?" Johanna asked.

Kate smiled. "Well he certainly can be a big kid. Sometimes that's annoying but it's also part of his charm. I wish I had his sense of wonder. Self centered? He's put everything, including his life, on the line for me and for Alexis. He's been there for Martha even when it's completely cramped his style, our style now. He's probably the most generous man I know."

"So what was really going on here?" Johanna asked.

"I'm not sure," Kate answered. "He'd just been through his second divorce. His mother had moved in and he was having a lot of trouble writing. I didn't know any of that at the time. Joking around, being the class clown, is his coping mechanism. I guess that's what he was doing. He did it so well I couldn't see through the mask. I should have. I should have been a better detective than that."

"Let's look at something else that happened on that case," Johanna proposed.

Younger Kate and Castle sat opposite each other at a table, but this time in the conference room, surrounded by piles of his fan mail. Castle had wormed his way into consulting on the case and younger Kate's annoyance was obvious. She asked Castle what he was doing there. He told her he was there for the story, but then turned the tables. He had deduced, from, as far as younger Kate could tell practically no information, that she had become a cop because of the unsolved death of a loved one."

"How did you feel when he told you that?" Johanna asked.

"Disturbed," Kate answered. "I didn't like being that transparent, especially not to him."

"Why?" Johanna asked.

"Because I was so attracted to him and I didn't want him to know it," Kate admitted.

"Why?" Johanna asked again.

Kate shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Because I still thought he was a jerk and was thoroughly ashamed of myself for still wanting him."

"I think there was another reason," Johanna offered. "Let's look at one more thing."

They were in the public library. Castle had put one over on younger Kate. He pilfered her crime scene photos to continue to investigate a case she was sure she had closed. She was beyond angry. She arrested him and had unformed police cuff him for transport back to the precinct. Rather than being upset, Castle smiled and referred to the cuffs as bondage. He even told her his safe word: "apples." He also told her that she'd collared the wrong guy for the murders.

"Why were you so angry at him there?" Johanna asked.

"He interfered with my investigation," Kate replied too quickly.

"Really?" Johanna asked skeptically. "Was that all?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Kate proposed, beginning to get more than a little peeved at the wraith.

"Kate," Johanna said gently, "You knew you had met someone as smart as you were, who you couldn't control. That drew you to him even more, but it scared you to death."

"Where did you get that?" Kate asked.

Johanna laughed. "That's the way it was with your father, at least in a way. We were very different people. He's serious and settled. He can watch a game in which nothing can happen for innings, likes class action cases, and drinks his coffee black. I was the one who wanted to go skating, do my law up close and personal, and drink vanilla lattes. But his insight, the way he understands people, the way he understands you, is a mystery to me. Sometimes it really annoyed me that he didn't want to tackle the world in the same way that I did, but I knew I couldn't change him and I really didn't want to. Whatever failings he has, they are part of the person he is, and I loved the whole package. We were two halves of a whole. Our minds melded, like yours and Castle's. But I still got the maddest at him when he was right, because it scared me to see how diminished I would have been without him. Do you have to understand every thought in Castle's head to love him?"

"Of course not!" Kate retorted.

"How about to trust him?" Johanna continued despite Kate's fiery response.

This time Kate's answer came more slowly. "I shouldn't have to." Johanna looked at her expectantly. The flash of anger fading, Kate slowly nodded her understanding."I think I'm ready to go back now."

"I think you are too." Johanna agreed.

Closing his laptop at the completion of a chapter, Castle wandered into the bedroom to find Kate lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Are you okay?" Castle asked.

"Yeah," Kate responded, "my mother was here again. We went back to the first case you and I did together, when I kept trying to get rid of you."

"I remember," Castle told her, lightly caressing her cheek. "I had to use both the mayor and Captain Montgomery to keep you from doing it. So what are you thinking about now?"

Kate reached up, cupping the back of his head to bring his lips to hers. "That no matter what's happened, I always have been and I always will be, better with you than without you."

Castle pulled her into his arms, feeling the reassurance of her body against his. "And I've never needed anyone more."