AN: Hey, hey, look at me, updating in less than a few months. Boom! On another note, I got a few reviews that accused me of not really knowing what it's like to lose a leg and I'd like to address them quickly...No, I have no idea what it's really like to lose a limb, just like most people on this site, I'm guessing. If that's offensive to anyone, I apologize, but it's the best I got. Anyway, here's the next chapter, I feel like I might finally be getting back into the groove of the story, so hopefully updates will pick up. Thank you again for all your support and reviews, they make writing so much more fun. Have an excellent day!
Something stirred me from a fitful slumber. Blurrily blinking my eyes open, I strained my ears to pick out the sound that woke me. I could hear the soft ticking from the clock on my wall, the dripping from the faucet that wasn't properly turned off, and the rustle of the blanket as I shifted to my back. But, other than those innocuous and common sounds, only silence met my questioning ears. Then it dawned on me- silence. Another quick glance at the clock confirmed what I my inner voices were whispering. Callie should be singing in the shower right now. Since the first day that Callie arrived, at the same time of every day there had been a classic rock song coming through the wall in a sultry and alluring voice. But, on that morning...silence.
Propping myself on my elbows, I wondered if she had over slept or perhaps was not in the mood to sing since our fight last night. A slithering thought hissed from the darkest part of my brain, a part I intended to ignore. The hissing taunted that no singing meant that she wasn't there, that she meant her words last night- Fine. I'm gone. I had assumed she meant gone for a walk, gone for the evening, possibly gone for the night, but certainly not gone for good.
Immediately banishing the last thought from my conscious and back to it's dark corner, I hoisted myself out of bed and stretched my sore limbs. I hadn't slept very well, nightmares of plane crashes, being stranded alone in the woods, and endlessly chasing a brunette, but never getting close enough to figure out why I was chasing her plagued any attempt at rest. My head throbbed and my body felt inexplicably old, but I pushed myself to shower and get dressed.
Feeling a bit better, I hopped out of my room and instantly noticed that lack of tasty smells. That let me know that Callie was either still asleep or not in the apartment. Callie never skipped breakfast. I couldn't help grumbling as I yanked a bowl from the cabinet and a box of corn flakes. I hated corn flakes. Corn Flakes was the only cereal Callie allowed in the house because she knows I hate them, so she figured that if that was my only option of cereal I'd be more inclined to let her make breakfast. It worked. I chewed the bland cereal purposefully slow, marking time in hopes that Callie roused herself. It was too soon to face her, especially if I went into her room without being invited.
Fine. I'm gone.
The words resonated through my mind, drowning out the crunching of my unappetizing breakfast. Acknowledging that my hunger no longer existed, I pushed the half full bowl away and sipped my coffee. I stared down the door to what had once been my guest bedroom, but had recently earned the title of Callie's Room. When that happened, I wasn't sure, but it had definitely happened.
After sitting silently nursing my coffee for several minutes, I finally decided to go check on her. It might be a terrible idea, but I needed to take some sort of action to alleviate the persistent and obnoxious nagging of my conscience. I had to, at least, find out if Callie was even there. I hopped gradually over to the door and hesitated. She was going to be furious if I was intruding when she didn't want to see me. Despite this thought, I raised my hand to the door and gave three soft knocks, "Callie?" I waited a few moments with no response, before delivering three sharper raps against the wood, "Callie, are you awake?" Again, no sounds of movement or Callie's voice came from within. Trying once more, and once more receiving no answer, I took a deep breath and twisted the door knob.
"Callie?" Nothing. The room was dark and void of human presence. Letting the door swing all the way open with a soft thud, I scanned the deserted room. Something felt wrong. She wasn't just not there, she was...gone. I yanked open the small closet in the room and found it empty. The dresser, the same. The bathroom held no personal belongings, just the towels that were there when she moved in. At some point, while I slept, Callie had come in and cleaned her stuff out. She left.
Fine. I'm gone.
I had no idea what to do with the sudden sinking and empty feeling taking over my chest. I didn't honestly believe that she'd leave. I sunk down on her bed, the guest bed, and stared at the wall. I think about a half hour passed before I moved again. I reminded myself that since the moment that nurse walked into my home, I wanted her out. So, I should have been very pleased with the turn of events. Strangely, 'pleased' didn't seem to be on the list of things I was feeling.
Having no other choice, I left the room and closed the door. Callie just up and left without a goodbye. Well, technically, she kissed me, I told her to leave, she said she was going to leave, and then she up and left. I suppose I should have seen it coming. She kissed me. She kissed me in a way that I had never been kissed before. I felt things that I had only ever read about or seen on TV. She kissed me and I pushed her away. Banished her. Completely rejected her. I didn't know if I wanted to reject her...I knew I wasn't ready for it. Somehow I also knew I wanted to do it again. Maybe. Actually, the only thing I knew was that I was a total mess.
Two hours later as I sat on the couch watching the blank screen of my television, the doorbell rang. Moving surprisingly fast, I went to the door and yanked it open, an apology already on my lips. But, the intended recipient of that apology was not standing on the other side.
"Hi, Arizona Robbins?" The smallish, but friendly looking woman asked when I opened the door.
"Um, yes. And, you are?" I inquired warily.
"I'm Heather Brooks, I'm your new in-home aide." She made a move to come inside, but I tightened my stance and blocked her entrance. At my quizzical glare, she added, "Weren't you told I was coming?"
Flexing my jaw, I shook my head, "No, I was not. I, um, I already have an aide."
Heather nodded and smiled, "Yes, Callie Torres. However, Callie called me this morning and said that something came up unexpectedly and she will no longer be able to offer her services here. She wanted me to take over in her wake. She also apologizes for her sudden leave." The young woman grinned expectantly.
"I bet she does." I mumbled as I reluctantly allowed her to enter. Watching as she glanced around the apartment, I asked glumly, "Are you moving in, too?"
Heather scoffed lightly, "Uh, no, I'm not. We're all not quite as pushy as Callie. Although, I can't deny that woman gets results. Also, according to what she told me and your file she passed on, you don't require that intensive of a program. Basically, I'll come by every day and help with any chores or errands you need, and do physical therapy." She must have noticed the confused look on my face, because she added, "Does that work for you?"
I shook my head slightly, "Um, yeah, that sounds good. I just figured that's how it was done, since she was living here..."
Heather shrugged, "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure why she was still living here. I mean, she often moves in with her clients at first, but she usually moves out when they get more mobile and independent. Although, she usually doesn't personally request a replacement, either. You must be special."
"What do you mean?" I asked carefully.
"I just meant, that her and I have been friends for a while, we respect each other, but she's never personally called me and asked to take over a case for her. Usually, it's the company that reassigns aides. She must have a personal investment in your care. Plus, how long she stayed here must mean she liked you."
I studied her closely for a moment, trying to determine if she knew exactly what she was talking about. After I judged her naive and hopeful expression as ignorance toward what really happened between Callie and I, I cleared my throat, "Well, I can't say one way or the other, but thanks for coming." I noticed that she was practically dissecting me with her eyes. "What?"
Heather grinned, "Nothing, really...Callie mentioned that you were a little...difficult. And, I just don't see it. I think we're going to be just fine."
For the first time, I let a small smile show, "Yeah, well, like you said, she's pushy."
She laughed, "Got it. So, do you have anything specific on the agenda for today?"
Thinking for a moment, and still trying to catch up with the sudden adjustment, I shook my head, "Um, no, not really."
"Ok, then. It is my understanding that you got your new prothesis yesterday. We can start with that." Heather said casually.
"Start with that?" I questioned quietly. I was having trouble swallowing everything.
"Yeah, we'll do some exercises specifically designed for adjusting to a prosthetic, and then I'll help you try standing on it some more. Ok?" She explained it all as if it was no big deal as she slid her jacket off her petite shoulders.
"Um, yeah, ok. Let me just go change."
"Sure, take your time." She chirped happily.
Shutting my bedroom door behind me, I sighed and leaned against the cool wood. My life had completely changed again.
Fine. I'm gone.
I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop hearing her last words to me. Slipping some work out cloths on, I replayed our last moments together. She kissed me. Just that thought alone felt so foreign and unfathomable. I could recall the exact sensation of her lips pressed to mine, but could not grasp the words, the reality of the experience. Callie and I had certainly gotten closer, but I don't know that I ever actually thought about kissing her. I appreciated how attractive she was, but it didn't go beyond that. Or so I thought. Right before I pushed her away, the kiss had seemed...right. Like it was the next logical step in some journey. However, right after that it had felt suffocating and terrifying.
I realized that I was dressed, but had just been sitting on my bed. Heather was waiting. So, I headed out to start work with my new nurse. Heather grinned when I emerged from my bedroom, "Alright, let's get to it."
It shocked me, really. How not difficult it was with Heather. I mean, I had a minor panic attack when she made me stand on the leg, but it wasn't like the first time. Maybe I was numb from all the changes and the emotional roller coaster that was the previous few days. Maybe Callie's presence heightened my reactions to everything. Heather and I didn't fight, didn't bicker over every little thing, she didn't make my blood boil, she didn't talk to me with intense interest, didn't ask about my personal life, didn't want to know everything about me, didn't want to spend extra time with me, didn't make me laugh so hard my sides hurt, didn't make me want to try new things, she just...didn't.
I stood on my leg that day. For five seconds, I supported my weight on my fake leg. It hurt, and it scared the hell out of me, but I did it. What really surprised me was that it seemed like, all at once, the fight had drained out of me. Fear and frustration still haunted me, but it was as if part of me numbed and just gave up, letting the rest of me move on. This new emotional state didn't seem like the relief of acceptance of my situation, but more like detached disinterest in my situation. No hope or celebration came from the victory, but something akin to the feeling evoked by a nod of recognition from a passing stranger. I vaguely registered the congratulations coming from Heather, as her pride and excitement meant very little to me. When she left, I slumped down on the couch again. The time came to admit a mildly painful, complicated, scary,and almost thrilling secret. A secret I had kept from even myself until that moment.
I missed Callie. Like, I really missed her.
AN: Slower chapter, but how'd it sit with ya?