Visitations
Chapter 13
What Do You Really Want?
Kate smiled as she watched Castle in full man-child mode playing with his new 3-D printer. His fascination upon seeing one in their last case has been so complete that he happily paid all the up charges to receive his own immediately.
"He really is joyful," Johanna commented, as she popped in to stand behind Kate.
"Yeah," Kate agreed. "I'm kind of jealous. Gadgets, games, things, they don't do that for me."
"They used to," Johanna pondered. "You used to have the biggest smile when you skated or when you got that motorcycle. Even just watching those silly reruns on TV. What happened Kate?"
"Your murder happened," Kate replied. "It consumed me. Even now, when Bracken is finally behind bars, I'm not like I was. I feel like there's something I should be doing, some difference I should be making. It's hard for me to just play the way Castle does and I have a hard time figuring out what I really want to do."
"We should look at some of that," Johanna suggested.
The suite at the Fairwick Hotel was beautiful and the man in it handsome.
"It's gonna be fine," Earlier Kate reassured her charge.
"I know it is." Eric Vaughn stated with perfect confidence. "I've worked with the best and you'd run circles around any of them before your first cup of coffee. I feel completely safe in your care."
"After knowing me for just two days?" Earlier Kate asked skeptically.
"No," Eric corrected, "after knowing you for two minutes."
Earlier Kate strode away from the flood of flattery. "So you think you've got me figured out, huh?"
"Except for one thing," Eric added. "Are you and Castle …?"
Earlier Kate turned back to face him. "Yes."
"Is it serious?" Eric asked.
Earlier Kate took a beat before answering. "Yes. Yeah, you could say it's serious."
"But the truth is you don't really know," Eric intimated as he walked closer to her. "Otherwise you wouldn't have hesitated."
"No," Earlier Kate objected, "it's just – we've never really talked about it, that's all."
"Why not?" Eric prodded.
Earlier Kate shook her head. "We just haven't."
"Then he's a fool!" Eric declared.
"No," Earlier Kate protested, looking at her feet, "it's - it's just - it's complicated.
"Kate," Eric responded, "there's nothing complicated about meeting a woman like you and knowing what to do."
When Earlier Kate didn't respond, Eric moved in for a kiss. She stood her ground, but as his lips touched hers, she finally pushed him away. "No."
A split second later a bullet pierced the window, as Earlier Kate pulled Eric to the floor shouting, "Get down!" Two more shots shattered the window but Earlier Kate kept Eric unscathed.
"What the hell was that!" Johanna exclaimed. "I see two champagne glasses. Were you actually drinking with a man you were supposed to be protecting? Then you let him get close enough to kiss you? Leaving out for a minute that he's a total jerk for even trying when you told him you were with another man, it was very unprofessional behavior on your part. What were you thinking?"
Kate was taken aback by her mother's reaction. "I - I don't know. I was upset with Castle."
"Why? Johanna asked.
"I was trying to seduce him and he wanted to finish a video game he was playing. It took him a couple of minutes to pay attention to me and I thought he was taking me for granted."
Johanna snorted. "So you let your brains get fried by a Welsh accent? Kate, what was really going on?"
"I didn't know where things were going with Castle and I felt - I wanted to feel better about myself. I guess I was using Eric Vaughn to bolster my confidence in my own attractiveness, my own competence."
"Okay," Johanna concluded, "now we're getting somewhere." How about this?"
They materialized at the 12th Precinct as Agent Jared Stack was in conversation with Earlier Kate and Earlier Castle.
"Detective Beckett and Mr. Castle," Stack announced, "both the President and the Attorney General have asked me to convey their thanks for your work on this case."
"I don't suppose the President's appreciation could come in the form of a blurb for my book?' Earlier Castle asked hopefully.
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Stack declared. "But Detective Beckett, could I have a word?"
"Yeah," Earlier Kate agreed curiously., leading him to an empty observation room.
"Let me ask you something," Stack began. "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"
"I haven't really given it that much thought," Earlier Kate told him, shrugging.
"As Lieutenant? Captain? At 1 Police Plaza, climbing the ladder?" Stack questioned.
"That's not really where my heart is," Earlier Kate confessed.
"Where is your heart? In that room? You want to be in that room five years from now busting some killer's balls?" Jared prodded.
Earlier Kate bristled. "I don't know you. Certainly not well enough to have this conversation," she told him, turning to leave.
"I used to work homicide, too," Stack informed her.
Surprised, Earlier Kate turned back. "Really?"
"Yeah," Stack affirmed. "Chicago. 'til some guy tapped me on the shoulder. Today I'm that guy. What I'm saying is this. I think you're exceptional. You're smart. You're strong. You're an asymmetrical thinker. I see bigger things for you."
"Who says I want bigger things?" Earlier Kate asked defensively.
Stack laughed."Practically everything about you screams it. There's a job opening in DC."
"What job?" Earlier Kate asked cautiously.
"With the Attorney General. We report directly to him, we work with total autonomy on the biggest, most challenging cases. Cases like this. Where the stakes are high and the outcome can affect history. Not everybody has what it takes for the job. I think you do," Stack told her, handing her a card. "Call that number to schedule an interview. Think about it."
"I will," Earlier Kate replied thoughtfully.
"I'll be talking to you, Detective Beckett," Stack maintained.
Earlier Kate silently watched him leave.
"So again, you have some guy telling you how wonderful you are so you decide to walk away from a man who literally walked through fire for you, to chase some job in D.C.," Johanna asserted. "What did you need that you weren't getting Kate? What did you really want?"
Tears began to flow down Kate's face. "I wanted to feel like I have a right to be here!" she blurted out. "When you died, I don't know, I thought, maybe I should have too. And then when I was shot - shot in the heart - I couldn't figure out why I could survive when you couldn't. I didn't know why I was here. I had solving your murder, but I didn't have anything else. Even that, or getting justice for other people, it didn't change anything. The dead were still dead. Nothing I did could ever bring you or any of them back. I want to know that I matter."
"I know the feeling," Johanna empathized. "I wanted to feel that way too. That's why I fought so hard for justice for my clients. I wanted this world to be better when I left it than when I arrived."
"You did it mom," Kate reassured her mother, "you were just taken away before you could finish."
"Maybe I'm finishing now, Kate," Johanna told her, "at least for you. You have so much to give. Think about how you really want to use those gifts. If you're happier with yourself, you'll be happier with Castle.