How To Live With Giant Robots: A Dummy's Guide To Life On Diego Garcia

by JB Tarrant

Exactly what the title implies: a how-to guide for newbies on Diego Garcia including the do's and don'ts of the base. Prowl's going around and compiling rules to try and keep the base from getting burned to the ground... barely. His job is not as easy as it sounds when he's surrounded by humans and fellow Autobots continuing to push the envelope and get more and more things banned.

3. Rules 13-18

Author's Note: Okay, I've been getting pretty good feedback for this and I've been given suggestions so here they are:

2211Nighthawk: Water and electricity do not mix.

TheGhost129: Breakfast food weaponry, FanFiction and Yaoi. This person also asked whether I've heard or know what it is and believe me, I do. And I'm against it.

midnightfurylonewolf: Feathers. Is there nothing you can't do with them? I originally had an idea for this but it's like a sign I should write it in when I get a suggestion about it, so, check it out.

I can't take writing in third person anymore, so now I'm swapping to first person. For your information, I'll be writing this from Riley's POV. Enjoy! :D

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Rule #13: Even if it's a very effective tool for torturing people, be it people being punished in the brig or captured Decepticons, don't use it as an excuse to bring Barney the Dinosaur back into the base.

(Backwoods, Skids, Mudflap. Exhibit A, B, C.)

(Annabelle was thrilled.)

(Barricade, Kick Back, Breakdown, and Mixmaster weren't.)

(In fact, it confused them when the Backwoods told them their punishment would be watching a program on TV.)

(While the Decepticons were screaming in agony and begging the show to be stopped, Annabelle was sitting on the floor singing along to the songs and giggling at the purple dinosaur.)

(As a prank tool, Skids made a robot and put it in a Barney costume.)

(Optimus went berserk.)

(Melted slag in the middle of the rec room floor.)

(Mudflap messed with his holoform from being a human to Barney and went for a drive.)

(... Not before he hacked the P.A. system and played the Barney theme song on a loop that was somehow heavily encrypted enough even Blaster couldn't break the code to shut it off.)

(Ironhide wound up shooting the system. Which, in everyone's opinion, was more toned down than what Optimus would have done if he handled it.)

(Mudflap led the entire police department in Tranquility on a wild goose chase and shut down a good portion of the highway and interstate.)

(Barney the Dinosaur's entire upper half was hanging out the window the entire time)

(Screaming, "You ain't taking me alive, coppers!" no less.)

(What's worse, two of those cops were Prowl and Barricade.)

(They eventually caught him and detained him after the police dispatch incorporated the help of two more police departments in the two cities nearby. Every cop all three cities could spare was in the chase.)

(Nearly two months later, Mudflap is still in the brig.)

(The media still isn't done talking about Barney the Dinosaur driving a smart car and taking three different police departments on a wild goose chase down the highway.)

Rule #14: Waffles are to be eaten, not used as weapons.

(Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and me.)

(If you're hungry, eat.)

(It's that simple.)

(But, no, I wanted something more epic than plain frozen waffles.)

(So Sideswipe suggested I carve them into shuriken.)

(And I did.)

(I thought it was hilarious when I got the drop on Galloway and nailed him in the back of the head and ran away.)

(I even hit Ratchet in the face with one, too!)

(Now the twins are helping me carve my new weapons and hone my ninja star throwing skills.)

Rule #15: Do not tar and feather your teammates.

(Twins. Both sets of them.)

(They joined forces and set up an elaborate prank to pull on Prowl.)

(Too bad they didn't know he fell into a recharge standing up in his office, leaving it for someone else.)

(I happened to be the one to get pranked.)

(Hot tar and feathers rained down on my head the moment I opened the door.)

(Ratchet was called and rushed me to the Med Bay for treatment from burns my human form got from the hot tar and get the feathers removed from my Cybertronian body normally hidden in a human shell.)

(It was hot enough to melt the skin to show my protoform hidden beneath it.)

(Optimus and Prowl were not happy. Neither was I and Ratchet for that matter.)

(Ironhide, being the overprotective gun wielding creature he is, wanted to use them for target practice. I wanted to join him, but I was stranded in the Med Bay covered in bandages to help heal my third degree burns.)

(Two months brig time for both sets of twins after they were made to apologize to me.)

(I politely told them to take Ironhide's cannons, shove them up their afts, and pull the trigger.)

Rule #16: Fanfiction and Yaoi is banned. Forever.

(Bumblebee was bored and found the site.)

(Bad move on his part.)

(After a while of looking around he found a pairing between two of his superiors.)

(Suspicious, he went to investigate. And was met with utter embarrassment and angry swears when he showed them what he was reading.)

(When Bumblebee forwarded it to his superiors' superiors... mass mayhem.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Ironhide, Ratchet, and I was lusting for blood.)

(The pervy Chevy twins cackled like madmen at their comrades' embarrassment until they found out they were a couple in one of those fanfics and got themselves separate rooms away from each other.)

(Poor Optimus seemed to be a popular target along with Ironhide, Ratchet, Prowl, Jazz, and well, everybody.)

(No one can look at each other in the eyes anymore and makes for exceedingly awkward meetings.)

Rule #17: Boys, if you want to compliment a woman, just do it up front.

(Skids tried to chat up me once and told me he'd like to know the girl beneath all the surface arrogance.)

(For serious, I need to be given credit since I managed to sound calm when I asked what he believed was under my so-called "surface arrogance".)

("Girl, what I'm getting from you is surface arrogance, more arrogance, a few delicious layers of flaky disdain, all wrapped around a sweet, creamy center of homicidal rage.")

("Homicidal rage? You want homicidal rage? I'll show you homicidal rage! C'mere!")

(Skids was landed in the Med Bay and I got brig time for endangering the life of a comrade even though the warriors and weapon loving mechs were impressed with my fighting technique.)

Rule #18: Water is not to be mixed with electricity. Under any circumstances.

(Whoever made it necessary to put this on the list is an idiot.)

(Sideswipe.)

(The recipe for disaster: Jolt + livewire + wet floor = massive power surge which when you round it up = a blackout experienced all over the base and blown transformers everywhere.)

(But in hindsight, now everyone knows why Sideswipe was dragging a fire hose and a livewire around with him.)

(Poor Jolt.)

(But he did pop right back up after a while in the Med Bay, though.)

(Not before he shocked the scrap out of Ratchet though.)