How To Live With Giant Robots: A Dummy's Guide To Life On Diego Garcia

by JB Tarrant

Exactly what the title implies: a how-to guide for newbies on Diego Garcia including the do's and don'ts of the base. Prowl's going around and compiling rules to try and keep the base from getting burned to the ground... barely. His job is not as easy as it sounds when he's surrounded by humans and fellow Autobots continuing to push the envelope and get more and more things banned.

6. Rules 31-36

Rule #31: Books are not weapons. They are strictly for reading and nothing more.

(Isaiah was getting pretty irritated when Galloway decided to crack down on me the first time we met.)

("Yo! Who do you think you are?!")

("Director Galloway, liaison to the President of the United States.")

("You better back off from her, pal. That's my sister you're yelling at.")

("And if I don't? You're just a child, why don't you run along back to school.")

("And if I don't?")

(That got a haughty laugh and a retort of, "You can say anything you like and it's not going to make a difference to what I do.")

(Isaiah threw a dictionary at him and one of the corners of the book nailed Galloway in the eye.)

(Crimson Flame and Ratchet was impressed with Isaiah's accuracy.)

(Optimus wasn't amused when he had to deal with a blubbering Galloway ranting about Isaiah hitting him with a book.)

(Sunny did something similar, but she hit Simmons in the crotch instead.)

(The high pitched scream could be heard all over the base.)

(Jazz and Ironhide is never going to let the man live it down.)

Rule #32: Sesame Street is banned.

(Since Barney was banned, Sarah brought in Sesame Street DVDs as a replacement.)

(The 'Bots were fine with it until Elmo made an appearance.)

(The talking in third person, high pitched voice, and unblinking eyes were unnerving, though.)

(Annabelle freaked.)

(It didn't help that Sideswipe found a YouTube video about one of the characters, the Count.)

(The video was called "The Count Censored".)

(It will make your eyes melt and brain explode.)

(Sideswipe offlined, he was laughing so hard.)

(When he came back online, he emailed the video to EVERYBODY. Including the entirety of the Decepticon Army and the President of the United States of America.)

(Prowl glitched.)

(Optimus was mortified.)

(Skids and Mudflap, being the perverts they are, got a kick out of it.)

(Annabelle didn't get a lick of it. Thank God.)

Rule #33: Don't get into rubber chicken fights in front of Ratchet.

(Me, Isaiah, Sam, Leo, Mikaela.)

(Ratchet had a Spark attack.)

(It's funny how human teenagers' sources of amusement involve bodily harm.)

(Astoundingly, nobody was put in the brig, instead getting a three hour lecture about how irresponsible it was.)

(Not fun. At all.)

Rule #34: If you want to get in Sunstreaker's good graces, offer to do stuff for him.

(Buying new paint to fix scratches, and giving him a wash and a wax once a week works exceedingly well.)

(But when you're rewarded with excessive moaning, static, and the revving of a high performance engine...)

(Drop the sponge and walk away. Don't look back, just keep walking.)

(No matter how much he begs you to come back.)

(I was scarred for life when I found out why Sunstreaker wanted me to keep washing him.)

(I can't even look at Sunstreaker without blushing anymore.)

Rule #35: Riley is not allowed to have access to fireworks.

(Fourth of July weekend was supposed to be quiet.)

(Letting a known pyromaniac around explosives will guarantee a very loud and rather insane night of being used for target practice with Roman candles and putting out fires started by fireworks.)

(I stirred up trouble by getting my hands on a bag full of fireworks and lit Roman candles and launched them at people.)

(One of them hit Mudflap in the face and left a scorch mark on his armor.)

(Soon enough both sets of twins were after me, launching mortars at my head.)

(Topspin came in to my rescue and opened fire with a plasma rifle.)

(The aftermath of the incident looked more like a battlefield after Decepticons retreated.)

(Brig time for all who participated and trips were made to see Ratchet for injuries.)

Rule #36: If you want to mess with Ironhide, be sure to have Riley and/or Annabelle present.

(Never underestimate the power of a cute toddler or the fury of a teenager with PMS that has access to heavy artillery and controls the power of the Allspark.)

(Turns out, Ironhide tolerates you if you begin messing with him if I'm there to call him off.)

(And Annabelle can get him to do anything she wants 'cause Ironhide's attached to her.)

(I think it's totally cute and I let him know every time I see them together.)

(Leo, on the other hand, just loves teasing him about it.)

(He made fun of Ironhide when he walked in and overheard something that involved Ironhide and being roped into playing tea party with Anna.)

(Ironhide was out for blood and nearly turned Leo into road kill.)

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For those of you that are curious, this is the link for the Sesame Street rule:

www. Youtube watch ? v= B- Wd- Q3F8KM

And for those of you that have never seen Dumb Ways To Die, here's the link for the video:

www. youtube watch ? v= IJNR2EpS0jw