How To Live With Giant Robots: A Dummy's Guide To Life On Diego Garcia

by JB Tarrant

Exactly what the title implies: a how-to guide for newbies on Diego Garcia including the do's and don'ts of the base. Prowl's going around and compiling rules to try and keep the base from getting burned to the ground... barely. His job is not as easy as it sounds when he's surrounded by humans and fellow Autobots continuing to push the envelope and get more and more things banned.

9. Rules 49-54

Author's Note: I didn't get any suggestions from the last chapter, so I'm filling in the gaps with my own stuff.

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Rule #49: You are not to introduce Wheeljack to anything that will give him bad ideas.

(Sunny started it with Phineas and Ferb.)

(Perry is BADASS! Badass, I tell you!)

(She mentioned it'd be cool to have a flying car of tomorrow today.)

(Wheeljack happened to be watching the show with her and disappeared.)

(I also noticed my truck was gone, too. Pretty sure I know what happened after a particularly loud explosion rocked Diego Garcia.)

(An hour later, everybody was hearing screams originating from around the Med Bay.)

(I arrived on the scene first to find a one armed Wheeljack clinging to the entryway screaming, "NOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! I WANNA LIVE! I WANNA LIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEE!")

(Ratchet was beyond frustrated by this point and sedated Jackie and dragged him into the Med Bay.)

(I chose that moment to scream, "OH, MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!")

(One week later, Wheeljack still doesn't have his arm reattached and I was put in the brig for covering Prowl helm to stabilizing servo in whipped cream.)

(Don't ask where I got enough to do it.)

(Jackie was my hero and sprang me out of the brig after somehow escaping Ratchet's clutches to come get me.)

(Prowl caught me and demanded to know how I got out of the brig in the first place.)

("It wasn't me, officer! It was the one armed mech!")

(Wheeljack chose that moment to run past, cackling like a madman, waving his disembodied arm in the air with Ratchet hot on his heels, swearing loudly as he tried to subdue the excitable mech.)

(At least I know Prowl has a sense of humor when he cracked a smile before taking me back to the brig.)

(There were more experiments done during the time Wheeljack was still at large running wildly around the island, and getting even more cartoons and TV shows banned.)

(I've also noticed the TV in the rec room now has a Wheeljack block on it to keep him away from those channels now.)

(Fortunately I'm responsible enough to know the code so Jackie and I can sit around in the middle of the night watching shows he shouldn't be and getting even more ideas.)

(A week later, the Autobots went public and the very first thing Wheeljack said to the world was: "French fired puhtaytuhrs.")

(That was his answer for the reason he protects the human race!)

(On live TV!)

(Like a boss! Like a Primus fragging boss!)

(Oh, God, Wheeljack, I love you so much right now! XD)

(Optimus turned on me, probably thinking I set Jack up to say that.)

(I wasn't. That was of Wheeljack's own accord. Of course with influence from Family Guy.)

(One month later brought Simmons, Galloway, and all those pompous people I dislike.)

(The moment they stepped in the building, I screamed, "The government is here! Run, E.T., run!" When I got to the E.T. part, I pointed randomly in some direction and Wheeljack, Jazz, and Bumblebee just so happened to be standing there.)

(Playing along, they ran off down the hallway collectively screaming, "E.T. PHONE HOME! E.T. PHONE HOME!")

("But... warrior blood marches through my veins like GIANT RADIOACTIVE RUBBER PANTS! The pants command me! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!"— Wheeljack, after his arm fell off and trying to get out of the Med Bay again. It didn't work.)

Rule #50: LOLcats are banned for all eternity.

(That's all thanks to me, Isaiah, Sunny Brooke, Annabelle, and anybody else we could coax into wearing kitty ears and run around the base like that for two weeks.)

("Sarcastic Sunny is sarcastic."— Sunny Brooke after dealing with Skids for an hour and walking off.)

("Basement cat will eat your soul!"— Isaiah, after getting into an argument with Grimlock, one of the newest members of the team to arrive on Earth.)

("Praise Jesus! It's CATURDAY! SQUEEEEEE!"— me, upon waking up and finding it's the weekend.)

("Deductive Prowl has run out of deduction."— Leo, upon walking in to find Prowl staring intensely at a datapad.)

("OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"— Annabelle, being a cutie eating a moon pie on Ironhide's shoulder.)

("I are ninja! Invisible Riley!"— me, after getting the drop on Simmons, glomping him, and running away cackling like a madwoman.)

("LOL! Hai, guyz!"— me, greeting Optimus and his Sparkmate, Elita, as Ratchet and the other medics on standby dragged me and the others into the Med Bay for mental examinations.)

("I iz ded."— Isaiah, after five hours of being examined.)

(I do believe Annabelle is the only one to escape being examined since she's a toddler and hasn't learned to use the English language the same way as her older counterparts.)

(... Plus she's downright adorable wearing those sparkly pink kitty ears! X3)

Rule #51: Angry Birds is banned.

(Oh, my God, Wheeljack! Really?)

(It started that morning and we woke up to see soldiers sailing through the air, shortly followed by Wheelie and Brains.)

(Apparently, Wheeljack set up a giant slingshot and structures made out of foam blocks.)

(The poor 'birds' had to be sent to Ratchet for injuries.)

Rule #52: The following video games are banned:

Sonic Riders

(Prowl glitched when he saw talking animals.)

(Plus it gave Wheeljack ideas.)

(One month later, he showed up with replicas of the Extreme Gear and courses from the game.)

(I thought it was badass, but Prime shut it down real quick since he didn't want anybody getting hurt, keeping in mind the Angry Birds and Temple Run incidents.)

(I still kept my Extreme Gear, though.)

Halo

(Ironhide was enjoying this one a little too much and actually shot the screen.)

Legend of Zelda

(Where to begin with this one...)

Kingdom Hearts

(People living without hearts, other dimensions, kids with big ass keys, and floating castles.)

(Any questions?)

Rule #53: Don't ask Ironhide if he has male PMS.

(He will attack you.)

(Sunny Brooke!)

(This girl will do anything to get under your skin or, in Ironhide's case, armor.)

(She did just that.)

(After running around the base to avoid getting hit by a rabid pickup truck, Sunny took refuge under the Transformer sized couch in the rec room.)

Rule #54: Don't compare Blurr to Sonic the Hedgehog. It only results in damaged pride and bruised egos.

(Sunny Brooke.)

(This happens to be something me and Isaiah are fond of as well.)

(When Blurr overheard a conversation about Sonic, he went berserk.)

(I caught him trying to leave the base and asked where he was going.)

(Apparently he was going to try and locate Sonic and challenge him to see who's faster.)

(I didn't have the heart to tell him Sonic isn't real.)