Rule #187: "I shall play you the song of my people" is not an appropriate saying to initiate pranking/trolling sprees.

(Okay, I'm scared now. O.o)

(Bumblebee felt the need to call a game night, claiming those who wanted to participate would join in the 'try not to laugh challenge'.)

(Naturally, I had to get in on this.)

(When it came to be Sideswipe's turn, he got that look in his optics that would eventually spell unimaginable mayhem on base.)

(He got up in my face and grinned. "Oh, you're trying to be emotionless? I shall play you the song of my people.")

(Sideswipe proceeded to blare the Count Censored over the comlinks to me, Bumblebee, his brother, and Prowl, though the poor tactician wasn't even participating.)

(And it worked in his favor. The others and I cracked up and Prowl glitched, and that made us laugh even harder.)

(Several hours later, I was on my way to my quarters for a good recharge when Sunstreaker decided to follow me the rest of the way there.)

(How very stalker-ish of him.)

(Ten minutes later, he opened a comlink with me.)

("Oh, you're trying to recharge after a long, grueling day at work? I shall play you the song of my people.")

(The sound of a Corvette's engine revving and the horn honking startled me enough to fall off my berth.)

("Sunstreaker...! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to rip your engine out through your ass!")

(That was the second time Sunstreaker pushed me to the point of homicidal rage.)

(And those feminine shrieks of his woke everyone on Diego Garcia.)

(There were a few Decepticons in the area apparently trying to sneak onto the base in stealth mode when it happened.)

("You're trying to infiltrate an enemy base? I shall play you the song of my people.")

(I set off a barrage of plasma charges and liquid nitrogen.)

(Optimus was stunned to find four dead Decepticons and Sunstreaker frozen in a block of ice in the Autobot hangar that morning.)

("What happened in here?")

("Oh, hey, when did that happen?")

("Metal Frost, are you responsible for this?")

("I dunno. Sunstreaker was being an idiot and these guys were trying to break in here like ninjas and a lion jumped out and shot them in the back. Or at least that's what Swoop said.")

(And of course, the Dinobot had no idea what I was talking about.)

(Optimus just shook his helm and sighed.)

Rule #188: Just because Ratchet can get away with something, doesn't mean you can, too.

(For real.)

(Even though he's not a Prime, he can really put one in his place.)

(Ratchet is seriously the only subordinate that can threaten Optimus and be taken seriously because everyone knows the Hatchet lives up to his promises.)

(He ain't exactly a good role model.)

(For example:)

("When I get my hands on you, I'm going to reformat you into a toaster!")

(Bumblebee hid in Ironhide's quarters for a week, refusing to come out all because he was framed for a prank.)

(Another fine example is his excessive usage of harsh language in English and Cybertronian...)

(... And inhumane forms of torture like the Wiggles, Sesame Street, Boobah, Teletubbies, and Barney...)

(... And his tendency to throw and/or whack someone upside the helm with a wrench.)

(Sideswipe thought it'd be funny to give Ratchet a taste of his own medicine and throw a wrench at the short tempered CMO.)

(Ratchet just barely missed getting pegged in the nose plates with a wrench from his collection... and returned fire by throwing surgical saws and even bigger wrenches at Sideswipe.)

(A couple days ago, Ratchet got into a heated argument with Ironhide about the usage of certain tools in medicine being used as instruments of utter mayhem in battle.)

(Ironhide, stuck in his trigger happy ways, made the comment that if the situation called for it I could use a superheated charge to incinerate the battle field to give others a chance to retreat.)

("Ironhide, if Metal Frost were to do that, there would be a great possibility that mechs on our side would get caught in the crossfire. It would be more harmful than helpful.")

("That's why I said if the situation called for it, Doc. I ain't sayin' you're an idiot or anythin', but ain't you considered how many of us died in wars where we could'a used Frosty's powers to our advantage?")

(*growls* "I'm surrounded by idiots!")

("Feel the cold winds of despair!" *troll face*)

(I had picked that moment to walk in, catching mainly Ratchet's declaration of idiocy. "Hey!" D:)

("Not you. You're my favorite.")

("Yeah, you're a real gem, yourself.")

(But did you hear that, guys? I'm his favorite.)

(And it's terrifying because he's the one that gives me my mental health exams and psych evals.)

(Sideswipe apparently decided he'd had enough of Ratchet using him to perfect his wrench throwing skills.)

(So, what did the Terror Twin decide to do? He threw a wrench at Ratchet.)

(Why he thought that was a smart idea, I'll never know, but Ratchet was definitely pissed.)

(To show his disapproval, Ratchet chased Sideswipe all over the base with a buzz saw, threatening to dismember him and sell his parts on eBay.)

Rule #189: Screwdriver throwing is forbidden.

(Believe it or not, they cause more damage than the wrenches do.)

(Thrown at the right spot on an Autobot's armor, it can inflict some serious pain.)

(Sunny figured that out when she got into an argument with Ironhide.)

(I don't know what he said, but it set Sunny off so she grabbed the first thing she could reach and chucked it at him.)

(The screwdriver she threw managed to finagle its way into sensitive wiring near Ironhide's protoform.)

(It's pretty needless to say Ironhide painfully hobbled his way to Ratchet to get it removed.)

(Ratchet was pissed and surprised to see it even got in Ironhide's armor to begin with.)

(A few days later, Sunny passed on her newfound screwdriver throwing tendency to other soldiers.)

(The look on Galloway's face when I tried to peg him with one will never cease to amuse me. :})

Rule #190: Sabotaging an Autobot's vocal processors to where it changes accents and pitches without their knowledge is not funny.

(I know what you're thinking.)

(Impossible, you say? Not for me.)

(It's almost impossible.)

(I had to do this. Ratchet was being an asshole and being a little too rough with his patients lately.)

(As a way to get back at him, I sedated his ass and set to work.)

(The next day, Ratchet was none the wiser about the change until he started talking.)

(I think that was the most surprised I've seen Optimus get. Seriously, his optics got real large.)

(Ironhide, Whirlwind, Jazz, and both sets of the twins laughed hard enough to temporarily offline.)

(Never once did Ratchet notice he sounded like a chipmunk after inhaling a canister of helium.)

(Ratchet only found out after Prowl informed him of the oddity that was currently Ratchet's voice and had First Aid take him to fix his vocal processors.)

(And of course, Ratchet figured it was me and I got a few days in the brig for it.)

(The Terror Twins couldn't let it stop there and began following my example and did it to themselves and several others because they thought it would be hysterical.)

(And it was. Just listening to that grating baritone Sideswipe changed his voice to owns me.)

(To me, he sounds like the Cookie Monster and that brought about more maniacal giggling from me.)

("Cookies!")

Rule #191: Dennis the Box Man is banned.

(So you know, this is what happens on a slow day at Diego Garcia.)

(Let me take a moment to explain how Dennis came to be.)

(Minecraft got banned, so a couple soldiers thought it'd be funny to flex their (not so) artistic muscles and draw a bunch of random anime expressions on the different sides of the box.)

(They named him Dennis.)

(Before long, more soldiers, including me, started following their example and created our own versions of Dennis.)

(By the end of the week, every box we could get our hands on had faces on them, a few having been reserved for making a very clunky looking robot costume with Dennis being the head.)

(A couple days later, people started leaving the Dennis clones all over the base with captions such as:)

("Dennis is watching you.")

("You can't escape the minions of Dennis. We're everywhere.")

("Obey the Almighty Boxiness!")

(And escape we could not. Those boxes were everywhere.)

(They found their way into the Med Bay, other Autobots' offices and quarters, the rec room, the bathrooms, the outer perimeter of the base, in the humans' barracks, the mess hall, in the rafters in the Autobot hangar, you name it.)

(There was literally nowhere that was Dennis-free.)

(The Autobots were starting to seriously question our mentality when we started calling the guy in the robot costume Dennisimus Prime.)

(Doing a mad sprint by Prowl's office made him freeze up and his helm to start smoking.)

(That's a first for him, methinks. I thought he would glitch.)

(Optimus wasn't pleased to find Prowl frozen in his seat an hour later.)

(Once Prowl was in the Med Bay, Optimus ordered Ironhide and several others to round up all the Dennis Minions and destroy them.)

(Ratchet tried to corner me because of Dennisimus Prime, though I had absolutely nothing to do with his creation.)

(But you see, yet again, in the outbreak of irrationality on base, he thought of me first.)

(And once again, I'm both flattered and offended.)

Rule #192: Electric cart racing is prohibited.

(I don't care what anyone says, I have nothing to do with it!)

(I think Prowl now has a permanent twitch in his left optic.)

(For the record, it was all Sam's idea.)

(He stole them from the local Walmart and brought them back to base, calling for a race.)

(When the race actually started, I laughed hard enough that I had to leave for a while to catch my breath.)

(Prowl eventually walked in on it while Leo and Sam were racing and glitched.)

(When he came to, he made Sam return the stolen carts.)

(Much to everyone's disappointment.)