A self-insert Gendo crackfic
or
An Ohio Fanboy in Commander Ikari's Body
or
I'm bored, let's do something stupid
So, somebody reviewed this fic and reminded me it was a thing. Figured I'd see if it was still worth a cheap laugh for anyone out there.
It has been... um... I dunno how long, actually, but probably less than a week. The days have always kinda blurred together, in my mind.
I've had some time to ruminate on my predicament, and have come to the following conclusion.
I remember being a fanfic writer. And I remember toying with an idea to the general effect of a humor/parody type of fic, where I'd self-insert into Evangelion. But instead of inserting into Shinji's body/role, which is a really bad cliché, I thought I'd instead assume the form and role of Gendo.
If my suspicions are indeed correct, then my author-self has indeed written such a story, and I am the lead character. As far as I am aware, I retain the better part of my pop culture knowledge, and I can recall the general events from the Evangelion series, which gives me some foreknowledge right up until I invalidate it... but of my own personal history, I cannot remember much in the way of specifics. I know that I am American, male, and a college student.
But I cannot recall any information about my own history beyond that. Strangely, I also observe that I don't particularly seem to give a damn, either. Chalk that one up to my author-self removing my care for such things.
A few days ago, Akagi conducted the EVA-00 experiment with Rei. It went... about as expected.
Flashback
Okay, maybe some random factor of my being here will cause things to go differen- AW SHIT GIANT ROBOT FIST COMIN' AT ME SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT oh good the wall stopped it OH SHIT ITS COMIN' BACK oh thank god it stopped again OH SHIT NOT AGAIN oh, hey, this wall is holding up fairly well, I'm surprised it hasn't caved in ye- AW CRAP NOW THE ROBOT IS HEADBANGING AGAINST THE WALL IT WANTS TO EAT ME OH FUUUUU- wait, now I remember, Rei 1 was killed by Ritsuko's mom and so is probably shooting for revenge by proxy.
And then the immediate aftermath of the experiment was... also about as expected.
Flashback
Hey, how did I get down to the entry plug so fast? No matter, gotta see if Rei's all right, I'm going to be kicking myself in the nads for weeks if I got a kid killed because I could've aborted the test and didn't do anyth-
OH FUCK WHY AM I GRABBING THIS WITH MY BARE HANDS WHY DID I TAKE MY GLOVES OFF IF I KNEW THIS WAS COMING? ! ? ! ? ! ? !
- ...I force the pain down by trying to think about Gundam.
So if Allenby and Rain both genuinely love Domon, and he genuinely loves both of them, and unlike in most love triangles Rain and Allenby don't have any animosity towards each other, but are willing to let the other one have Domon if it'll make him happy... then why the HELL didn't G Gundam end with them all getting together in a threesome relationship?! I mean, come on Sunrise, that should've been a no-brainer!
Around that time, I managed to get the entry plug open.
"Rei? Rei! Answer me, Rei! REEEEIIIII!"
"... I am right here, Commander Ikari. You do not need to shout."
... well, damn. She looks like a total mess, but she still is trying to put on a brave face for me.
No. No, she isn't, I suddenly remind myself. She's trying to stay brave for Gendo Ikari. Not me.
"... when people are very concerned about each other in a crisis situation, they sometimes find it appropriate to yell out their name. Occasionally in an over-dramatic fashion."
The heat blisters are mostly gone, but my palms are still very tender. Even just holding a pen jurts like a bitch. ... hrm, I wonder. Am I masochist enough to pick up a controller in this condition? Am I man enough - or stupid enough - to subject myself to constant agonizing pain just for the sake of playing a mere game? ... Yes, I probably am.
Before I can ruminate further on whether Persona 3 or Metal Gear Solid 2 catch my interest more at the moment, an alarm sounds.
Hrm... Rei is still laid up in the infirmary, and I sent out a postcard somewhat explaining the situation to Shinji a few days ago, so it seems like a fair guess that Sachiel is approaching Tokyo-3.
It's time I gather my, in theory, most trustworthy companions.
"So, then. Me, you guys, the rest of NERV, and my son... holy shit I never thought I'd hear myself say those last two words in particular... are going to try and save the world from a bunch of old guys. A bunch of old guys who want to play God, have a plan to make it happen, and are really good at making plans in case something goes wrong."
Having explained to them previously that our goal is now to save the world instead of f*ck it over even harder, Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki are not as surprised as they might be otherwise. Fuyutsuki actually appeared relieved at thee change of plan, while Ritsuko didn't really seem to give a damn.
"I, on the other hand, couldn't plan my way out of a paper bag. I can't read people worth a damn, and I can't predict their actions, and this breeds in me a powerful hesitation to forming plans, and thinking about the future in general."
Having learned that I have an extreme habit of speaking to myself, neither of them deigns to comment. "SEELE expects that their greatest concern, beyond the Angels, is Commander Gendo Ikari. They think theye know what to expect from me. They think I am a known quantity. However, they don't yet appear to be informed of the brain damage that has affected my memories and personality."
Getting up and looking out of my huge-ass windows at the magnificent Geofront view below, I conclude, "I have two options. I can try to out-scheme them, and I know I'm screwed if I try that. Or, I can open up the Leeroy Jenkins Big Book Of Tactics and just do whatever we can, whenever we can, to wonk up SEELE's plans so hard that it'll be a thousand years before they can ever un-wonk-"
My phone rings. I answer. Operations Director Misato Katsuragi has returned. Apparently with Shinji in tow.
Gendo Ikari is a known quantity.
I am not Gendo Ikari.
SEELE doesn't know the first damn thing about me.
"All right people, let's make this showy."