A self-insert Gendo crackfic

or

An Ohio Fanboy in Commander Ikari's Body

or

I'm bored, let's do something stupid

So, um, apparently there are people who like this. Or something.

"Commander, what's wrong?"

Shaking my head quickly and blinking rapidly - a phenomenon that Adam Savage coined 'reset face' - I turn to Fuyutsuki. "Uweh?"

"You just suddenly stopped moving and had a blank look on your face," my trusted advisor(?) explained to me.

"Huh. Must've derped somethin' fierce, I guess, since I have no damn clue what I'm doing."

While the old man's expression says "dude what the fuck is wrong with you," his words thankfully are more patient and less confrontational. "The Third Angel is closing in on Tokyo-3, and Katsuragi is en route with your son so that he can pilot EVA-01."

My memory suitably jogged, I resume walking, and clap Fuyutsuki on the back. "If the paramilitary thing doesn't work out, you should get a job doing voiceovers for anime or tokusatsu shows, or something. Your recaps are a lifesaver."

Huh. I must've derped again, because last thing I remember I was chatting with Fuyutsuki, and now I'm on an observation platform overlooking the EVA-01 hangar.

"Fuyutsuki, I need your advice on something."

"Yes?"

"When I reveal my presence and re-introduce myself to Shinji... can we play the Imperial March? Or would it be more appropriate, given that we're not the bad guys anymore, to instead use the opening score from the 1978 live-action Superman movie?"

Fuyutsuki just sits there and looks at me like I'm a damn idiot. It's probably not wrong of him to think of me that way. If people think I'm an idiot, they'll underestimate me. ... on the other hand, if people think I'm an idiot, then that kind of hurts my feelings.

Around that time, Shinji comes into the room, led by Misato and Ritsuko. He sees EVA-01, and kinda freaks a little. The speakers come on, so that I can hear what they're saying.

"Is this why my father brought me here? To pilot this thing?"

Damn, looks like I don't get to have cool theme music after all.

Using a small cargo elevator, I de-elevate to his level so that I can answer him properly. "Yes. Yes I did."

He looks at me, somewhat grief-stricken. "Why?!"

Hrm... that's a good question. I mean, I know why Gendo did it, but -no, wait, actually, I never did quite figure out why Shinji was kept out of the loop until this point.

"Uhhhh, hrm... I dunno. After a mysterious string of accidents some time ago, I suffered traumatic brain injury, and my personality and memories from before that point are kinda fucked because of that."

I pause for a moment, allowing Shinji to take that in. "So I can't really be sure. Although my trusted advisor -" I turn slightly, and dramatically point at Fuyutsuki "- tells me that I used to be a major-league asshole, so it's probably related to that."

Shinji's left eye twitches at the absurdity and frankness of what has just transpired.

"If it helps," I say, "these days I don't really feel like being an asshole. Unfortunately, because of the brain damage I kinda forgot you existed up until, uh, around the time I sent you that letter. Otherwise I would have sent for you earlier."

"Aaaaand why didn't you tell me that you wanted me to pilot a giant deathbot?"

Though he still appears upset, I confess I'm glad that he appears to be rolling with the punches.

"Because if I had told you upfront why you needed to be here, you would've dismissed me as having seen too much Ultraman." I pause, briefly. "Incidentally, I have not been watching Ultraman." I pause again. "Because I'm too busy watching Kamen Rider."

Wait. If I am a fanfic character, then does this mean that whenever my brain goes blank like that, it meant something happened "offscreen"? ... Damn, this is troubling. That means that all the weird crap I think about is going to be on the internet, but the times that I don't do anything notable are going to be gaps in my memory. ... and more importantly, I'm not going to have much more information than the reader does. GOD DAMMIT AUTHOR-SELF.

Shinji reacts as one might have expected he would, becoming upset again.

Before he can speak again, I lay out all my cards - except Rei - on the table. "Shinji. At this point, we don't know anything about each other. And if you're okay with it, I wouldn't mind trying to have some kind of manly father-son relationship...thing... going on. But we don't have time for that right now. For words, or for feelings. Right now, we only have time for action. So I must ask that you act, and I pray that this is the very last time that I'm going to have to be an asshole to you, or anyone else."

I step forward, put a hand on Shinji's shoulder, and take of my glasses to look him straight in the eye. "If you don't get in the EVA and fight, everybody dies. You, me, Misato, Ritsuko, every man, woman, and child in this city, and even the entire world, is going to die. That's what happens if you don't fight. If you fight and lose? Everybody still dies, all the more tragically for having had a hope at getting through this intact. BUT!"

I shake him, snapping Shinji out of his horrified stupor. "If you fight, and win? That's our one chance. You get to survive another day, appreciate another beautiful sunset, spend another afternoon chasing girls, whatever. Because you won. And it's not just you: Misato, Ritsuko, my trusted advisor, the blue-haired girl in intensive care, they all get another day to laugh, and smile, and cry, and be alive. Because you won. But only if you win!"

Stepping back, I put my glasses back on, before pointing dramatically at him. "So what will it be, Shinji? Even if you run, the dilemma won't end or go away! Are you going to let that monster jumpstart Armageddon and doom everyone around you to a horrible death?!"

Silence reigns in the hangar, as if nobody can believe I just said what I did.

I take advantage of that, and finish my spiel more quietly, to put more emphasis on it. "... or do you want another day of being surrounded by life, by people smiling and laughing?"

Once more, there is silence. I can barely even manage to breathe, myself. I... I'm scared, I realize. I'd like to think I'm familiar with the lead character of the Evangelion anime, but I don't know the first damn thing about the kid standing right here in front of me. I don't know what he's going to do.

I... I might die, I realize. If he doesn't fight, or if he fights and loses, then I'm as good as dead. Rei will probably get deployed in either EVA-01 or EVA-00, and in her condition she probably wouldn't make it. Then we'd have to self-destruct the base to keep the Angel away from Lilith, and then I'm dead. I... I won't get another day of people talking and laughing about stupid stuff anymore, just like I said. And then, I realize, neither will anyone else.

I... I'm crying now.

Is Shinji going to pilot? Damned if I know. He's got every right to refuse. After all, he pretty much hates Gendo, and the ultimate reason he consented to pilot in the original was because he couldn't bear to send Rei to her death. But I haven't played that card. I really don't want to do it. But I don't want to die. And I don't want anyone else to die either.

Please, kid. Save us.

Shinji's hand clenches into a fist, and he looks away from me. "... I'll do it. I'll pilot the Evangelion."

"...Thank you. You are, truly, our final hope."

Shinji frowns for a moment, before the side of his mouth quirks upward a little. "I don't really think I could say no, when you put it like that..."

The ultimate battle of good and evil is here, and round zero is about to begin.

Reviews, please?