I play with my Eren and Levi nendoroid far too much.
Might be one or two more chapters left for this fic. This took a while to write cuz I honestly had five different endings for this fic and I had to pick one.
Warnings: My grammar and shit.
The noises were growing louder and louder. The moans, groans and pain filled noises were drilling into his skull, he couldn't take it anymore. He tried covering his ears but it did nothing, next he tried humming with his hands over his head, the muffling making his humming echo against his brain but the noises, they could still pierce through that. It was almost impossible for him to numb his senses, he was too alert. The garden he lived in wasn't like this, he could hear the birds, animals in the distance and the never ending relaxing sound of the stream not too far from his home. It was a quiet place and it was lonely but being alone was never as painful as it was right now. It was draining him, mentally and physically, he couldn't do this anymore. He truly couldn't.
Eren felt his body twitching, it had become involuntary, he couldn't control it, but as he sat here on the broken throne he made, all he had for company were the souls around him. How long had he been here, by himself? He truly didn't know, it felt like it had been forever. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Levi, even less heard his voice. He left, he left him all alone. He should had been good, he should had obeyed. But in reality Eren still couldn't bring himself to regret his decision, he tried to run away but it was an honest action. He wanted to leave, this was just another cage, another place for him to be miserable. He couldn't find peace, he couldn't even think without the noises interrupting his thoughts. It was almost like if the underworld was punishing him itself for defying its master.
The brunette knew something though, he knew something for sure. He was all alone, all alone again. He had so much time for thinking that he didn't realize when he stopped or came to conclusions. Everything was a blur, and every soul that would catch his eye, he would send to where it belonged. This is what Levi had wanted from him, right? Because now that the death god wasn't around, Eren was at least realizing that the gloomy god wasn't that bad, that he wasn't was terrible as Eren kept thinking, or maybe it was his own delusion trying to tell him that he should accept where he was right now, just like he did in his little cottage, just like he did in his old, sad, little life.
Nothing had changed, he hadn't changed. He was still the same, and it was infuriating, why hadn't he changed? He wasn't home anymore, he wasn't in that sad lonely place, he was free from it and even if he was stuck in hell, it was something different. It was something new that he had never experienced before, it was frightening, it was scary, but this is what he had wanted, something new, something different. Anything to get away from his old home, but now that he was here. Everything was the same, all of it. He was still feeling the same pain in his chest, and even as he made a new garden, it could only bring him a small amount of happiness. Even if he left this place and went back to his cottage, would things really change? No, they wouldn't have.
Eren was the problem, Eren was the issue and when he realized this he cried. He hugged his legs and buried his face against his knees. He curled up in the throne of thorns and cried, he cried for so long the noises around him became numb. It had always been him, no matter where he went, no matter how much he tried to run away, the same feeling was going to be inside of him. Even if he was on the surface again, even if he was on an island filled with beautiful water around him, it would be the same. All of it. Because the pain in Eren's chest wasn't because of where he was, it came from deeper than that. He was alone.
Eren was lonely.
The pain in his chest that brought tears to his eyes and made it hard to breathe was not going to be fixed just because he had a new home. It only distracted him, it only made things slightly better but as soon as the feeling started to sink in, it was too late. Because it had never left, it was buried inside of him, feeding and consuming everything that was Eren, his happiness, his courage, curiosity, love, and devotion. It was eating him alive from the inside out and he couldn't do anything to stop it, or well, he didn't know what he could do to stop it.
It made sense now, why he was always so tired, why he woke up without knowing he went to sleep. Why he couldn't remember things that should matter, why he kept telling himself that everything was going to be fine, that tomorrow was a new day. Why he kept trying to run away instead of facing what was in front of him. He could have faced Levi, he could have told him how he felt about how what he was doing was hurting him, how he hated him for it, but he remained silent because when you can't bring yourself to care about you, then who else is going to? No one, because Eren was alone, and the only one that was going to be there for him was no one else but himself, and that reality made him cry harder. He was the only support he had, he was the only person he had. It was just him, just him alone and he couldn't bring himself to have any strength. Everything was too draining, everything was too exhausting.
But here he was, sitting in front of the river of souls, judging soul by soul. Why was he doing it? Why was he doing this when he knew that there was no point, that it wasn't going to fix how he felt, that he wasn't going grow because of it. Oh, that's right, he was doing it because he was lonely.
Levi, he missed him. Even if he scared him, even if he wasn't the nice first friend he thought he would have, even less a lover. He was still there, he was by his side and hadn't left him ever since he got here and now that he was gone, now that he hadn't seen him in so long, he was starting to realize how much the others presence had filled some of the void in his chest. Yeah, he missed Levi, he missed him, and he was torturing himself even further for thinking, for thinking that someone brutal, cruel and obsessive could be missed. The idea itself was driving him mad and made him laugh, how more pathetic could he be? How could he be so pathetic that he would miss his captor, the person that abused him and kept him locked up?
It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all. He didn't deserve this and if he did what had he done? thinking about that made his chest hurt, because deep inside he honestly felt like he deserved this. All of this. He deserved it, he deserved to be alone, to be abused, to be pushed and pulled. It was what he deserved. Why was he punishing himself, he wasn't sure. He couldn't think of a reason, but the simple fact that he hated who he was. Who he was wasn't making him happy, who he was was the issue and who he could be was the only way out.
But he couldn't bring himself to think about anything. How could he change who he was if just sitting here on this throne was so tiring, how could he think about a future if just the act of thinking was draining him.
He knew what he wanted now though, wasn't that enough? Wasn't that the first step? He wanted Levi to come back, he did. Deep inside he wanted the death god back, he wanted him because he needed him, maybe as much as Levi needed him. The whole idea was frustrating, possibly even disturbing but this is what Eren wanted. This was his choice, and that alone gave him the determination he needed, that he was searching for.
He judged soul after soul, good or evil. He judged those who would steal and those who would rape. He judged the souls that were kind, and selfless and he also judged the souls of the people that were too neutral. Over and over he watched their lives and he could feel what they had felt, the selfishness, the sadness and happiness, all of these feelings he wanted to experience himself. The world out there, the world he belonged to and he was part of, that adored his beautiful flowers and collected them. They loved Eren and for once he could hear them praying, even if it was for something silly, and even if it was just for something as small as a kid praying for her flowers. He could hear them, they cherished him and adored him because of the beauty he brought to their world. What he created was given as a representation of love, happiness, or forgiveness.
He watched as a man gave his girlfriend a bouquet of flowers when proposing to her. He watched as another man used flowers with an apologetic smile to ask for forgiveness. He watched a kid give his mother flowers just to show how much he loved her. He was a symbol of so many things, and the prettier his garden was, the more people wanted it.
All of this was possible because of him, he helped people show their feelings and his creations were a beautiful gift. Eren, was this. He who couldn't stop crying, who couldn't stop being sad and lonely, was doing all of this without him knowing. He had never known how he was needed, or how he could be of any good and now that he could see it, now that he was living it and seeing it through the eyes of the people that lived this happiness, he couldn't bring himself to do anything but break down again.
He watched as a woman dressed in white walked down an island, with pretty white flowers in her hands. The whole church was decorated with different flowers, from white to blue. She was smiling and the flowing white dress was dragging behind her. The man she was looking at had a white flower on his suit, and he smiled back at her before taking her hand.
Eren was a witness of all of this, all of this love, devotion and happiness, yet he couldn't relate to it. He wasn't happy, he couldn't feel any of this and the feeling of dread that soon followed made him want to stop. But he couldn't, he had to keep going, this is what it was about right? Levi wanted him to see this, he wanted him to see it through this, was this what he had planned all along? He wasn't sure, maybe he was over thinking everything, his head was hurting and his throat was sore from crying.
Little by little, he could see the world outside through his own eyes, after seeing how he was everywhere, after realizing how he could be everywhere. It was easier than ever to see the outside world. He didn't have to judge souls anymore, all he had to do was open his eyes, truly open his eyes. He stopped thinking about the walls around him, about where he was and instead he thought about where he could be and all his eyes did was search and search, look for that one god that belonged to where he was.
He saw it then. He watched as the nymph and Levi spoke to each other, he listened to everything and he watched as Levi turned to look directly to him, and he watched the small smirk on his lips.
Eren forgot, he completely forgot that maybe he was replaceable. That maybe he wasn't as important as he thought he was. The idea made his body feel empty, like a shell he couldn't control anymore, it was cold and he couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. Levi had another option, he always had. He wasn't special, he couldn't make a family, he couldn't even feel happiness for himself. It was all too clear how easy it could have been to forget him. What had he done at all? Cry and be frustrated, be lonely and sad. This was his life, this was who he was, this was all that represented him. It was what he had become and he started to hate himself for it.
The noises in his head grew louder and louder and he screamed. It wasn't the noises from the underworld anymore, it was voices of people he didn't even know, screams and laughs. And a song, a song he heard a long time ago, a song that Levi sang himself when he was looking for him. All of it was related, all of it was a game. He was a game, and the frustration made him dig his nails against his head, to pull on his hair and fall on the floor screaming. He screamed and cried, angry tears running down his eyes while loud screams tore his throat. He was tired, so tired but he couldn't bring himself to just sleep this time. He couldn't bring himself to close his eyes. He watched the whole thing and the longer the conversation went, the quicker his mind started to snap.
He was tired of being played with. He was tired of being the one little thing that people keep at home, that they hardly visited and they hardly cared for. He wasn't a caged animal, and if he was he was tired of it. He was sick of it. He had done all of this for him, for him to come back and Levi had been doing this? Behind his back, without him knowing. The whole idea made his stomach twist.
Because if he was going to be pain, then he was going to make the people that make him suffer, suffer with him.
Rage, that's what he could feel. He was angry, upset and over all tired. The little bit of sanity that he had been clinging to was snapping, and he couldn't help himself but laugh, laugh as tears covered his cheeks. He couldn't stop laughing, from pain and anger. This is who he was, all of these disgusting emotions that were masked by his own sadness and sorrow. He was anger, he was suffering and weakness. But he was also strong, he was strong enough to push forward, to try to keep going every day, he was very strong.
Eren wanted this, this was what he wanted right now and maybe it was the right choice, or maybe it was the wrong one. But right now all that he could think of, was how much joy he was going to gain from tearing up the little nymph.
It made him laugh with sadistic glee.
Carla stared down at the cup of tea in front of her, the cafe she was in wasn't very busy. The indie music playing in the background was low enough to be relaxing and not interrupt conversations. The big cafe had tables and couches all over with a long bar with wooden stoles that were full. The baristas were quickly making drinks and delivering them to their clients, not wasting any time as the lunch rush arrived quickly. The goddess wore a plain pencil skirt and a blouse with long sleeves, jewelry like always decorated her ears, neck and fingers. She was quietly drinking her tea and looking at her watch, waiting, and waiting.
"Humans have come a long way, huh?"
The soft voice made her look up and smile. Armin was sitting across from her, his hands holding a newspaper that he was reading quietly. He hadn't been there before, if anything he suddenly appeared and no human seemed to notice this.
"Yes, they have. Even knowing that we are here to help them, they keep progressing. I guess that's why they are so marvelous."
Armin smiled at the woman in front of him, he was wearing a simple black suit with a blue dress shirt. The bright blue eyes looked as crystal clear as the cleanest ocean in the world.
"You have been looking for me." The blond said as he waved at one of the waitress to pick up his order.
"I have, actually for quite a while now. I know you don't really have the time or are very curious about the human world, but it would be nice if you could answer our calls once in a while." Carla chuckled quietly, taking another quiet sip from her cup.
"Sorry, I don't carry a cellphone like you guys do now days." Armin smiled and then turned his attention to the waitress that came over. She smiled at him and the blond ordered a simple cup of coffee.
"I want to know where my son is Armin." The goddess put her cup down at looked straight at the man in front of him, the sunny blond was still smiling, resting his chin on top of his hands.
"Eren huh? I haven't seen him in so long. I stopped watching over him a long time ago Carla, what makes you think I know where he is?" He raised a brow, tilting his head.
"You see everything Armin, even if you don't want to, you see it. It is part of who you are, don't lie to me like many gods have now. Where is my son?" She hissed quietly, the hold on the handle of her cups tightening to the point that he cup cracked.
"Many gods have lied to you... That's unusual. But I am not lying Carla..." The sunny blond gave another small smile and raised his hands defensively as if to wave off any worry she might have. "I never said I don't know where he is, I just said I haven't paid much attention to him lately. But don't you find it weird, that all of these gods are afraid to tell you? Why would they deny something to you, when you're the one that provides for most humans. It doesn't make sense does it...unless whoever took Eren might have more power over humans than you do." Armin smiled again, his calculating eyes staring at Carla, how fun.
The goddess frowned, her brows furrowing as she stared down at the table and the cup in front of her. She was thinking and going through the different gods she had spoken to, all of them avoiding the subject or most of them didn't even know about Eren. All of them were hiding something and all of them were pretending that whatever happened wasn't important enough to risk themselves.
"Can't figure it out?" Armin's childish yet cynical smile only grew a little bigger. "I'll give you a hint, he's in a place that I can no longer see him in."
Carla's eyes widened at that and she was about to say something when music interrupted her. It was a cellphone. The goddess quickly reached in her purse and pulled out a smartphone, without hesitation answering it with a small smile on her face.
"Hey honey...no, no, I have a minute. Really? That's great...Oh no sweetheart, I won't be home yet...yes, maybe tomorrow...it's day time where I am...oh really? That's great...no, don't worry, have a good night." The phone call was brief and she quickly put the phone away, glaring at Armin that was still smiling at her in the same way, even more so after she had finished her call.
"You look...content." The sunny blond said, chuckling.
Carla only glared at him and then stood up, she knew where her son was now and the mere idea was making her blood boil in anger. How dare he, how dare HE.
"Mhm, going already? You know, all the doors for that place have been sealed."
The waitress came by then, putting down Armin's cup of coffee in front of him. She smiled and said a small good bye before leaving the two alone, the silence was thick and Armin took a sip of his coffee his eyes closing as he did so.
"Then I'll make my own."
Armin smiled against his cup, things like these were what kept earth still amusing.
Levi tilted his head back against the headboard behind him, his hand was gently stroking dark locks that felt like silk in between his fingers. Eren was sleeping on the bed next to him, the death god was sitting down his head tilted back. He kept staring at the dark ceiling and the chandelier that was hanging with candles that were lit up. The fingers never stopped stroking the hair and little by little he felt his eyes closing until a hand slapped his own away.
Levi turned his head to stare down at the boy that was now awake and looking up at him with a small glare, golden eyes shining with anger. The hand that had smacked his own away was still near his own and it didn't look like he regretted what he had done.
"Don't touch me, I hate it when you do it." Eren moved from his spot on the bed and sat on the soft mattress instead. He was a good couple of feet away from Levi now and he was avoiding looking at him.
"You hate it?" Levi asked quietly, and moved near the other again, closing up the distance as Eren leaned back away from him.
"I do, I hate most of the things you do. I hate how you are always so forceful, how you act like you own me, how you trap me here and you don't let me go. I hate all of this, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of you, I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of feeling alone and I'm sick of being left alone. Why did you take me?!" Eren was half screaming now, his angry golden eyes staring directly at the dark blue eyes in front of him. "Why did you take me from there when you were going to leave me, when you are not going to be any better. Why, when you just lie and torture me, why? What was the point!"
Eren didn't even give Levi a chance to respond, no, he was narrowing his eyes, leaning in to face the other, to face his fears and his anger. He was tired, he was exhausted, but only sleeping and turning away was not going to fix anything, it hadn't work for as long as Eren was alive. Now that he could feel, now that he was not numb, now that he somewhat knew the monster he was, what he had done and what he had been forced to do, it was driving him insane, he could actually feel the little bit of sanity he had vanishing and leaving him. He had killed so many people, he had killed himself so many times. He had impaled himself with roots, he had drowned himself, set himself on fire, hung himself and even stabbed himself over and over with his own hands. He had done all of this to end it all, to find an end to his life, to everything he felt and he couldn't control, to the sadness and loneliness. And when he couldn't find an end to it, when he woke up and everything was the same, then he was nothing. He was nothing. He had become nothing. The pain was so numbing, the suffering was too much that he had caused other people that same grief. How many people did he kill? How many people did he eat and chase? It had all been him, all of this was him. He wasn't who he thought he was, and as he stared down at his hands he could see the blood of so many people and the many corpses his pretty garden had. The garden in his cottage was a graveyard and the only cause had been him. Just him.
"Why did you do all of this? Because of all the sins I have committed? Because of what I did to all of those people?" The god heard himself chuckle bitterly. "Was that it? A punishment that you had to deliver yourself? Were you tired of seeing this in the souls you judged, is that why you torment me? Is that why you sing that sickening song. I understand, I'm that monster that lived in the forest, I'm the monster that kids are afraid of, that they sing about and make a game out of! Is this all that you wanted me to know! I know it now, so why am I still here? Why, when I went back home did you drag me back here?!" He was screaming now, his hands holding tightly onto Levi's black robes, he was only inches from his face, screaming with angry tears in his eyes but he refused to let them fall.
"It isn't fair..." The death god whispered quietly, not flinching or moving even though the other was yelling right in front of his face.
Eren frowned at what Levi said and he frowned even more when the death god simply smiled faintly at him. One of his hands reached over to gently touch Eren's cheek, even though he was told not to touch him he was still doing it. The cold fingers were gently stroking the soft skin.
"Why do you always remember all of this, but not me?" Levis smile became softer, not caring about how Eren had been yelling at him, how he was holding violently on his clothes or how he had said all of those things. He simply held onto his face, his head tilting slightly to the side. "And each time, you are as beautiful as ever, who you are, no matter which one it is. No matter who you choose to be, in what time or era. In whatever place, you are always so bright."
The death god closed his eyes and leaned in, resting his forehead against Eren's. The skin was cold against the soft skin but Eren didn't pull away or flinch, he only stared at Levi, not knowing what to say. Who he was now, who he had always been, it had never mattered. It had never mattered how pathetic he was or how sad and lonely he had felt, how he had been just over the edge or across it. The whole time someone had been there with him, but again he had been the issue, the only issue all along. The problem above all of them, because even if Levi wasn't human and didn't act like one, he had done what he thought was what he needed. And Eren could see it now. This whole time he had one person near him, but his own sadness clouded everything, his own feelings and pain made him ignore and forget everything, his guilt, his conscious, his madness. All of these made him forget, made him restart. Because he had been too much of a coward to face what he had done, he choose to run away, it had been his choice and Levi was the one that decided to put a stop to it.
He wasn't brought here to be tortured, to suffer or to be in pain, he was brought here because this is what Eren needed. The method had been questionable and what Levi had done was wrong, it was still wrong in his head, because he didn't have to force himself in him, yet, he couldn't hate him as much anymore. He couldn't be as angry anymore, because this fucked up god was all he had. The world was a sad place, and he was living proof of it, but if you expect everything to be perfect then you are never going to find anything good in it. Levi set a plan in motion and hadn't been wrong so far, because he was the only one that truly knew him, the one that knew his anger, his pain and his sadness, the one that watched him destroy himself little by little. The one that knew he was sickeningly jealous and selfish. He had known all along that Eren was going to be watching. The talk he had with the nymph, it had all been a set up for him, for Eren. Not a trick, but a way to push him over the edge.
"Sacrifices have to be made." That's what Levi had said. He was a cunning god, a selfish one at most, just like him and Eren wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh.
It had been him all along, how long had Levi been there? Eren heard himself questioning as he stared at the closed lids in front of him. Levi had been the one to bring him food, the one that took care of him when he couldn't keep himself in control anymore, the one that walked with him when he didn't know where he was going. The lonely god that was as alone as he was, and would take care of him. The shadow that never left him and the eyes that were always watching. The stare that sent shivers down his spine because it was a reminder, a reminder of everything that Eren wanted to forget. He was a coward, he was nothing but a fool. Someone that kept running away when things became too much, he was frustrating to no end, yet...Levi never left, he stayed by his side, holding his hand as the days went by. Since the day he met him, since the day he first saw him in the middle of his garden, he had never left. And he could remember, he could remember the death god in the middle of the sea of flowers, looking at him, and Eren had been the curious one, he had been the one to approach him.
He met Levi so long ago, and he could remember smiling at him. The death god, looking as gloomy as ever, as big as ever had stood there in the middle of his garden. He never approached him, in fact he looked almost shy to do it. He simply stared at him, not knowing what to do. Eren had never met someone else besides his mother and as his wide curious eyes stared at the man in black, he felt himself smiling and little by little he approached the god. He could remember shaking, he had been so nervous so scared. But he gathered all the courage he could to meet him, to say hi. The one in the past had been so brave, but now he was nothing more than a shadow of his former self, yet he was happy. He was happy that he knew this, that he could grow from this, that he wasn't as bad as he was yesterday.
Eren felt the pain in his chest growing again, but this time it was different, it was relief. The tears that were rolling down his eyes were not painful and he even felt himself smiling just a bit. He was trembling and his lips were rubbing together but he understood now. Everything was becoming clear, if only had had been smarter or only if he hadn't been trying to hide all of this time, then things would had been so much better.
"I'm sorry."
The death god whispered to him, and Eren felt himself smiling again, he was crying and smiling and it felt so good, so different. The relief washing over his body was good. Because he was imperfect, he was screwed up and he wasn't a good little boy like he thought he had been, he wasn't his mom's boy anymore. Who he thought he was was gone, and who he was now, how he wasn't running, how he was understanding and finding out the truth was someone he was proud to be. He liked being Eren now, he liked being the cruel monster that kids sing stories about, he liked being selfish, but determined, he liked being sad but happy. The Eren now, was someone that Eren could live with.
"I-I'm sorry..." Eren's voice was breaking as he said these words and he watched as the death god opened his eyes and stared at him in surprise. He watched as those eyes slowly shifted into understanding, and Eren smiled in return. He stopped holding onto Levi's clothes and slipped his hands behind Levi's back, his arms went around the god's torso and his face ended up buried against his neck. "I'm sorry Levi, I'm sorry I forgot because I was afraid."
And the cold hand was back, stroking his hair and pulling him closer. Levi only hugged him closer and a kiss was placed on top of his head. The death god felt so warm now, even if Eren's body was shivering, he felt warm, and that warmth only seem to be spreading through his whole body.
In the end he was going to be okay, even if he didn't know everything and was still a little sad mess. Everything was going to be fine, because he wasn't running away anymore and facing what was in front of him with the only person that had mattered all this time, and was the only thing he needed.
Reviews amuse me.
Dunno,maybe Levi is not as good as he seems.