Apres La Guerre

by waterlilylf

Post War Fic, mostly Duo POV set seven years after the end of the War and absolutely oozing angst and sap and humour and confusiona and Duo-suffering...it's also a long 1x2 get-together fic. Finished, finally.

21. Past Imperfect

Disclaimer: They're not mine and writing this is purely my idea of fun.

Note: I think a few people may have been waiting for this chapter! Just so you know, it's very long, very sad, and was a absolute killer to write. I do promise things are going to get better eventually…

Thanks, as always, to everyone who's been reviewing. I read back over the story to date last week, and for the first time I understand just how angst-ridden it really is…when I'm writing, I just tend to concentrate on the current chapter, and of course I know what happens in the end so I have that to look forward to…(grins)

Oh, before I forget, I may get the next chapter posted tomorrow, but if I don't - Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone!

Past Imperfect:

Of course, there was no way in hell that I could have let myself sleep that night. Not with all those nasty voices in my head, clamouring for attention, lying in ambush for the first time I let my guard down.

My nightmares tend to be on the noisy side, and I didn't want Heero listening to that.

At half five, I got bored with trying to lie quietly in the narrow bed and wandered downstairs, wondering when exactly I'd become such a wuss that I couldn't handle a couple of sleepless nights. I'd done way more than that during the war, but of course then I'd been psyched up on pure adrenalin, and on the weird chemical cocktails that G. had given me.

Heero only had herbal tea and some weird organic chocolates in his kitchen. Not so much as a can of soda to provide a caffeine fix.

I curled up in one of his big armchairs, played the space invaders game on my cellphone for a bit, then sent off a few texts. Buying time, while I considered options, idly scrolling down contacts to find the number Zechs had given me.

Fichtner. Theo Fichtner.

I really didn't want to call him, but it was either that or wandering the streets trying to find a drug dealer.

Feeling like the lead character in a second-rate spy movie, I dialled his number.

'This is Duo. The Commander gave me this number to call.'

Less than ten seconds in total. Untraceable.

He called back pretty much straightaway; one of those guttural accents, German, probably or South African. The careful, considered speech of someone speaking in a foreign language. Anyway, he noted of my little shopping list with all the emotion of a head waiter taking an order, agreed to send it to the Sanque Embassy, and informed me that he did indeed have contacts on L4 who would be eminently suitable for the little job I wanted done. That actually reminded me of something I kept forgetting to ask Heero.

Fuck. Wufei would kill me when he found out what I was up to.

Don't think about that now.

That brought me up to six o'clock, and it was probably safe to let myself dose for a while. It usually takes me a couple of hours to fall into a sleep that's deep enough for me to dream, and hopefully by then Heero would be moving about and I'd wake up. Best laid plans and all that jazz. It was after eleven when I stirred, and only because I heard Honey barking outside. Heero was sitting across the room from me, glaring at the bulky sheaf of papers in his lap.

'Duo, You're not sleeping properly, are you?'

'I've just been asleep, in case you haven't noticed.' I nodded at his paperwork, wanting to head off any awkward questions at the pass, not wanting to think that he'd been sitting there, watching me sleep. 'What's all that stuff?'

'It's for you, actually. The Courthouse just sent it over.'

'The questionnaire thingy? When do I have to do that? Shit, I don't have to do in front of you, do I?'

'It has to be completed in front of a member of the Italian bar who can testify you answered all the questions yourself. I can either take you in to my office or else get someone to come out here, if you'd prefer.'

Oh. I wasn't overly keen on spilling my life history to a total stranger. Heero, at least, pretty much knew it all already; hell, he could probably answer most of the questions himself if need be.

It started off easily enough.

Basic stuff; name, age, vital stats, medical history, education, current job; a whole catalogue of questions about background and early years and family history, and any inherited ailments or diseases.

Lots of blanks left there, obviously.

Then we got to the really fun part.

'Are you currently attending any form of counselling or therapy?'

'Yes.' No need to tell him that I'd stormed out of my last session and had ignored the calls I'd had from my therapist since then.

'For how long?'

'Nearly six years.'

'Are you currently taking prescribed medication?'

'Yes.' It's quite a long list when I total it all up. 'I also take cod liver oil capsules. Does that count?'

'Have you ever suffered from depression?'

'Yes.'

'Have you ever been in a psychiatric facility?'

'Yes'

'Did you enter voluntarily?' Ouch again. I'd have lockjaw the way this was going.

'Yes.' Only because Quatre had persuaded me. I didn't bother elaborating on the whys and wherefores; not like he didn't know it all.

'Do you have a history of substance abuse?'

'Is it bloody likely? After all the chemical shit G gave me when I was training?'

'I take it that's a no.'

'Correct.' Well, correct for the present. Might not be quite so accurate once Theo Fichtner sourced my little stash of pep pills.

'Do you have a history of alcohol abuse?'

'No.'

We glared at each other, Heero daring me to elaborate. Yes, he'd thought I drank too much when we were together, and yes, there were a few dark times afterwards when I probably did, but that didn't make me an alcoholic.

'Are you currently in a relationship?'

'Yes.' Huh. Bastard didn't so much as twitch an eyelid. Well, he'd obviously drawn his own conclusions from whatever Trowa had told him.

'You will be asked to expand on that, given that the nature of the relationship is ... somewhat unorthodox.'

'What? You mean there's going to be a problem because I'm gay? I thought there were laws against that sort of discrimination.'

'Duo. You know perfectly well what I mean.'

'Actually, I have not got one freaking clue what you're on about. Next question.'

'Have you ever been sexually promiscuous?'

Ouch. Jaw clenched so hard it actually hurt.

'Yes.' That had been ... an especially dark period for me, one I really did not want to expand on, particularly not to Heero.

'Have you ever had thoughts of suicide?'

'Yes.' And he was responsible for most of them. No, that's not entirely true. Or fair. I was pretty screwed up anyway.

'Have you ever acted on those thoughts?'

'No.'

'Duo. They will know about - that night. The incident with the Leo.'

'Yeah? So what?' I snapped, irrationally angry that he'd dare to use my term for what had happened.

The bastard just looked at me, and I could practically hear the question hovering on his tongue, the question he'd never actually asked me straight out; whether or not I'd really planned to kill myself that night.

'I just wanted to get away,' I said quietly. OK, maybe, at some deep level, I hadn't been caring overmuch about whether I lived or died, but I'd seen him kissing Relena and I'd just wanted to run. 'Look, can we finish this later?'

I did not want to think about that night. Christmas 196. I - had devoted quite a lot of time and energy, over the past six years, trying to forget what had happened on that particular night.

The weeks directly after Libra had been something of a blur of peace talks and treaties and pardons. At some point, the Powers that Be had decided that we were valiant freedom fighters, rather than dangerous rebels and were accordingly to be treated as celebrities. Having spent the last year on the run and hiding our identities, it was just plain weird that our names and pictures were everywhere.

Heero and I ended up staying in the palace in Sanque during part of the peace talks. We weren't directly involved, just wheeled out now and then for photo shoots with assorted dignitaries, and for the first few days we hardly left our suite. And, yes, I do know how that sounds, but honestly, we were too exhausted at first to do anything but sleep; we just climbed into this huge bed which actually had some sort of tapestries hanging around it, pulled them closed and collapsed.

I suppose the biggest irony was that Heero and I hadn't really fought with each other during the War. Oh, we'd argued all the time, about anything and everything, but never a major fight. Never a quarrel we hadn't patched up pretty much straightaway; neither of us ever quite daring to say it aloud, but both all too conscious of the fact that the next mission, for either of us, could be the last, particularly as Heero seemed determined to turn self-destruction into an art form.

Got to love irony, right? We had our first proper row when all the rest of the freaking universe was wallowing in this lovely peace that we'd helped to create, and couldn't even bring ourselves to believe in.

'You did what?' We were standing in our fancy bedroom and I was ready to brain him with one of the heavier ornaments. Maybe the big silver candlestick on the bedside table, which looked like it would leave a good-sized dent in his stupid head.

'Duo, I'm sorry. Truly. But...Relena was so upset, she was crying, Duo.'

Sure, she was. Probably spent an hour beforehand chopping onions in the kitchen, if her royalness could actually lower herself to enter a room where manual labour was carried out.

Shit, this was all my fault, letting Heero go off for an early morning horse ride with Relena, and Une tagging along to act as bodyguard or chaperone or what-have-you. My suggestion that maybe I could go along too hadn't gone down too well, with Relena informing me haughtily that none of the horses in the royal stable was suitable for a beginner.

Do I even need to say that Relena didn't like me very much in those days? Oh, she was civil enough, especially in front of Heero, but every time she looked down her aristocratic little nose at me, I was all too conscious that I'd grown up on the streets, that I hadn't always had the best habits of personal hygiene, and that I'd done things to survive that would have made a sheltered young lady swoon.

'And it didn't occur to you that you should maybe have discussed this with me first?'

'Duo, please, I am sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. And I heard you talking to that girl, Hilde, about going to L2 with her. You always used to talk about going back to space and I thought that maybe you still wanted it but you didn't know how to tell me, and it would be easier if I had some plans of my own, so you wouldn't feel …obligated to stay with me.'

'No! What you heard, you idiot, was her, saying all this. I guess you sloped off before you heard me tell her it sounded like a really cool idea, but - but, Heero - I had other plans. Plans that involved you, to be exact. Shit, I can't believe you'd think I'd do that to you.'

'I just thought that - maybe it was what you wanted, to go home to L2, but you didn't want to hurt me..'

'L2 isn't my home, Heero. I hate that place! Home is here, with you, wherever you are.' I was wavering somewhere between being seriously pissed that he'd actually believed I' d do that to him, and sheer amazement that he felt so insecure about me. Heeero Yuy, insecure about something. It wasn't all that easy to stay angry with him, if I thought about that. I - was the one who lost everyone I let myself care about. Always. I moved slowly into his arms, feeling them close just a bit hesitantly around me. 'Don't tell me you signed a contract already...Please.'

No freaking chance of that. Between them, Relena and Une would probably have opened his veins if they'd needed ink for his signature. They'd both been on at him to join some bloody organisation called the Preventers for weeks And even if he hadn't signed, he'd consider his word to be binding.

'Only for twelve months. But I can talk to them, I'll say I've changed my mind.'

'Heero, do you really want to do this? For you? Not just 'cause Relena batted her eyelashes at you and squeezed out a few tears, or that bitch Une pulled a guilt trip on you about how much they needed you to save the universe again?'

'I don't know what I want, Duo. Not really. This all seems - unreal, sometimes.'

'Like a giant practical joke?' He nodded. 'Yeah, me too. I keep expecting Treize to burst in here, yelling 'fooled you, suckers! Now I'm taking over.''

'Something like that.' He looked at me through his bangs, almost shyly. 'Duo, I think I need to do this, that if I can help to maintain this peace, it will atone for some of the things I've done. Does that make sense?'

'Oh, love.' I pulled him against me, one hand slipping under his shirt, stroking his back, feeling the ridged scars. 'You have nothing to atone for. Nothing. You saved the Earth, remember? Millions of people are alive because of you; you don't have to do anything else to prove yourself.'

'I - I don't know, Duo. I think I need something, some focus, even for the next few months. Wufei's already joined; would you consider it? We might be able to work together.'

'No! I - don't want to go back to all that. No more killing. I want to be something more than that. More than just someone who destroys things because I'm ordered to.'

'But the Preventers have been founded to guard the peace, to stop any future conflicts.'

'I sort of guessed that from the name, 'Ro. Otherwise, they'd be, like, the Starters or something. And yeah, I know they have all these ideals and shit, but what'll they do if there is another rebellion? Starting handing out copies of 'Peace for Dummies'?'

'What do you want to do then?'

'I haven't a clue, 'Ro. Seriously. I've never really thought much about the future, you know? Just took things one day at a time. The only thing I do know is this is real, what we have, and I want to be with you. So if you really want to do this Preventer thing, go for it. But…can you - just talk to me in future, OK, before you make any major decisions?'

'I will. Duo, I told them I couldn't start straightaway, not for a few weeks. That there were some things I had to do first. Some places I want to go..'

'You've been hacking into my laptop again, haven't you? Looking at all my fantasy destinations?' That was something I'd only started doing in the last couple of weeks, when it was just starting to dawn on me that this whole peace thing might actually be real, that we might get our own lives, get to see the Earth without having to destroy it.

'Mmmm. Sri Lanka looks nice. Or Zanzibar...'

'You look nice too', I purred, stepping away from him to look at him properly. I'd never realised riding clothes could be so damn hot. Long, polished leather boots, tight breeches that clung to his thighs and cupped his ass, crisp linen shirt that was just begging to be ripped off. 'Am I on your list of things you want to do? Hmmm? Your mission for now, Agent Yuy, is to make Duo Maxwell scream…'

Of course, the trip hadn't happened. No one's fault, really, that Relena had started to receive death threats and that the only person she trusted with her personal safety was her darling Heero.

It wasn't actually been that big a deal, at the start, that we were separated. We were used to it, after all; used to never spending more than a couple of days together, and

Heero would have a fairly generous holiday allowance.

It was going to be OK. I'd rented a house on the lakeshore, an easy enough drive to Preventers' HQ for occasions when he was based in the office; it was pretty run down but I figured we could fix it up, choose furniture and do all the decorating together...Yeah, I had all these stupid, sappy dreams of the two of us curled up in front of the open fire or taking long, moonlit walks by the lake.

It was never really like that, though. Heero travelled so much with his job that a lot of the time I ended up flying out to meet him, wherever he was, or we'd meet halfway. We'd check into a hotel, and never leave our room.

I got a job. Well, actually, I got a progression of jobs, none of which lasted more than a few days before I got bored with the nine-to-five routine, or someone started to make loaded comments, usually some combination of 'Gundam', 'scum' and 'Fucking'. Or else my boss or one of my colleagues would draw all the wrong conclusions from long hair, slender build and L2 accent.

Money wasn't a problem, anyway; we'd all been issued with decent service pensions, and for the last months of the War, OZ had been contributing, on a frequent if involuntary basis, to the Duo Maxwell Benevolent Fund, which was spread out in bank accounts all over the world.

Eventually, I started doing some freelance work for a local security firm and that was

working out well. My boss didn't ask too many awkward questions about background or qualifications, and I could pretty much choose my own hours and do a lot of stuff from home.

I'd thought it was bad enough Heero being with Relena 24/7 but, after the first few months, when things started to stabilise a little bit, and she felt more secure, he started taking other missions. They were generally classified as top secret so I never knew where he was, or precisely when he'd be back. It was like we were fighting the War all over again, only worse because then we'd been soldiers fighting together for a shared goal. I wasn't involved in what he was doing, he couldn't talk about it, and that pretty much excluded me from a major part of his life.

I hadn't known where he was when Quatre tried to kill himself that first Spring after the War ended. I spent the whole shuttle flight to L2 on the line to Preventers HQ, yelling at Une's secretary that I needed to contact Heero now and I didn't give a fuck about screwing up some stupid mission.

He turned up over a week later. Trowa was in with Quat's doctors; Wufei had finally agreed to go for a couple of hours' sleep, and I was sitting just outside Quat's door. At first, I thought I'd fallen asleep and he was a dream.

'Duo. I just found out what happened four days ago. By then, they said he was out of danger.'

'Yeah. It was touch and go at first. We thought we were going to lose him.'

'Duo, I would have come sooner if I could…' He was looking at me - oddly. I wasn't jumping into his arms; I didn't even look particularly pleased to see him. Well, screw him. He hadn't been there when I'd needed him and I'd managed perfectly alright.

'What if it had been me, Heero? Would your damned mission be more important than that?'

'Duo, nothing in the world is more important to me than you. You know that.'

'Sure. Straight down in your list after Relena Peacecraft, saving the world, Preventers, some stupid mission or other…'

'It wasn't a 'stupid mission', Duo. We were trying to entrap an arms dealer on L3; he was actually commissioning mobile suits.'

'And there was no one else in the whole world who could have done that?'

'Actually, no.' He snapped at me. 'I'd done all the preliminary negotiations; if I'd pulled out, they would have known something was wrong and it would have taken months for someone else to get into that position and in the meantime, hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people could have been killed. Do you think Quatre would have wanted that?'

'Well, maybe if he lives, you can ask him.'

That got a reaction. The blood drained from his face scarily fast, and he actually had to reach one hand to the wall and steady himself.

'He's alright. He's stable,' I said quickly. 'We can go and see him if you want. He's out cold, though. They have him on all kinds of sedatives.'

Heero picked up Quatre's medical chart from the back of his door and scanned it quickly. 'I don't know why - I assumed he'd OD'd.'

'Nope. He just used whatever was handy.'

The chart stated that Quatre had slit his wrists, but it wasn't true. 'Slitting' implied a precise, deliberate cut, a neat incision that could be neatly sewn together.

He'd used a shard of glass from a window he'd broken. He hadn't slit his wrists so much as gouged chunks of flesh from his lower arm. It hadn't just been suicide; he'd tried to mutilate himself.

'Why did he do it?'

'His stupid family. Ever since he got to L4, he's been bombarded with them telling him everything they hate about him; he's gay, he's probably going to turn out to be some sort of child molester, he abandoned their whole pacifist shit, he was responsible for their father's death…that's the stuff they actually him to his face, by the way; fuck knows what they were thinking about him.'

'I thought he could control it.'

'Yeah, well, he can sometimes. I think it's harder to shield from people he knows well, and you know he always picks up on really strong emotions? They don't know if the nerves in his wrists will recover, if he'll ever be able to play his violin again.' That was nearly one of the hardest things, to imagine Quat without his music, to think he might never be able to do duets with Tro again. 'Trowa found him, Heero.' I whispered, remembering how Trowa had been those first few days. 'He - he could really have used some support, you know? Considering you're supposed to be his friend.'

'Oh, Duo. I'm sorry, love. Truly. I'm here now. It'll be alright.'

'Screw you, Heero!' I think I was surprised by the venom in my voice as much as he was. 'You can't just waltz in when it's all over and expect me to collapse in your arms. Trowa and 'Fei and I have been through hell this past week, and do you know what? We survived. Without you. So I don't need you turning up and playing the hero when you're only going to be gone in the next couple of days anyway...because there's a crisis somewhere and you're the only person in the entire universe who can handle it, right?'

'No.'

'What? You've resigned?'

'I've told Une I can't do any more deep cover missions. I can't. I - oh fuck, Duo, I'm sorry. Can I just - hold you? Please?'

I'm not sure which of us moved first; just that we were both clinging to each other and that I had no intention of letting him go anytime in the next century or so.

'Oh, Duo, love. I never meant anything like this to happen, I swear. I didn't know what to do. But by the time I finally heard about Quatre, it sounded like he was out of danger and I - thought I could complete the mission. I made the wrong choice, didn't I?'

'I can't tell you that, Heero. Maybe you were right. Quat probably would have wanted you to stay. I just - I really needed you to be here, OK?' I didn't even want to admit to myself how much that had scared me; the sheer magnitude of my need for Heero. I'd never dared to let myself need anyone so much in my whole life. 'I don't suppose you'd consider taking up a nice, safe job like accountancy or something?'

'I can't quite see myself as an accountant. I did think of studying law?'

'Seriously? Can you? I mean, don't you need to have some sort of formal education?'

'I'll have to do intelligence tests and an interview and complete some assignments, but I could start next year. You wouldn't mind me being a full time student?'

'I think it's really cool! My hot boyfriend, who also happens to be a hot shot lawyer.'

Yeah, it seemed cool at the time. Heero was taken off the active list; for some reason, I'd assumed he'd end up being assigned to HQ as an analyst or instructor or something, but instead he was back on Relena's security detail. And spending most of his time off studying for entrance exams, or completing papers. Not as cool as all that. It didn't help that Relena was also planning to take some courses in international legal studies or some such, so the two of them had cosy little study parties together.

I was never quite sure why I'd agreed to join Preventers, except that Heero thought it would be a good idea and he'd suggested it when we were in bed together and I was in no particular state to deny him anything he wanted. I was never quite sure why he wanted me to join either, except he thought I needed some sort of discipline in my life.

I'd actually been happy. As happy as I could be with him gone most of the time. I quite liked my job, which basically involved some patrols around fancy neighbourhoods at night, a bit of hacking, a bit of surveillance work. Most of the other staff had backgrounds they didn't want to discuss either, and sometimes after a shift, we'd go to a bar, and play pool or watch whatever game was on cable.

The house opposite mine was occupied by four guys who were officially attending technical college, but in reality spent most of their time working on a collection of beat up old cars in their driveway, and were always ready to have a beer or two, or let me sprawl under one of the cars and tinker with it for hours on end.

I also had a house and, OK, I did know it wasn't exactly perfect. The heating system worked only intermittently, and the roof leaked if there was even the hint of a cloud in the sky. I'd asked the landlord to come round once and that had been enough; he was a big, greasy letch who'd intimated he'd be more than happy to forfeit monthly rent payments in favour of more personal services.

After that, I'd patched up stuff as best I could. I kept buckets upstairs to catch the worst of the drips, and I quite liked the sound of raindrops falling, like sleeping beside a waterfall. The living room had an open fire so I more or less lived there; I'd wanted Heero and I to go out and buy our first bed together, like a couple in some corny TV commercial, but he never had time, so I'd pulled my mattress downstairs and stacked all my books around it. At night I could draw the curtains and pretend I was living in a little cave, with only the firelight for company, and a couple of candles to read by. It was the first place I'd ever thought of as my own, apart from Deathscythe.

Heero disapproved of all this. I was spending too much time hanging around seedy bars with people who had questionable pasts. I was drinking too much. I was daring to make friends with people who had possible grudges against former Gundam Pilots, and were quite likely plotting some sort of elaborate vengeance. It didn't help much when I pointed out that for one thing, I was quite capable of taking care of myself, and for another, if the college guys wanted revenge they were going about it in a pretty weird way, inviting me out for pizza or to the bowling alley.

So pretty much the only problem with how I was living was that Heero hated it; I hadn't realised quite how much until he was assigned to Preventers' HQ for a three week course in some new operational procedures, that of course he couldn't tell me anything about. We'd never spent that long together in one stretch. Yeah, we'd had the first few weeks after the War ended, but we were all still shell-shocked at that point, and we'd both been recovering from injuries and strain and sheer exhaustion.

It was going to be so great, living together. Of course, he'd be gone all day but we'd have evenings together and maybe we could even go away for a weekend and forget about the rest of the world for a few days. We were going to be a normal couple who woke up in bed together and kissed before going to work in the mornings, and ate dinner every night and talked about our day before locking up and going to bed. Together.

Sure. In my stupid dreams. We shared a house for three weeks and it nearly destroyed us.

We had a screaming match the very first night.

Correction, I was doing the screaming; Heero was presenting the reasoned, logical defence of his actions. I'd assumed he'd be home by six at the latest, so I'd ordered dinner from a great little seafood place nearby, to be delivered for eight o' clock - giving him plenty of time for him to shower and change - and lit a fire and put candles on the table. I'd even gone out and bought flowers for the first time in my life.

Um, in case you're wondering, Quat had given me a few tips on the whole 'romantic atmosphere' thing.

He didn't come home until after nine. His cellphone was turned off; the Preventers receptionist informed me it was against their policy to divulge the whereabouts of any of their personnel. By then, the flowers, food, candles and soppy Cds were in the thrash and I was trying to decide whether I should be worried in case something had happened to him, or just furious that he'd apparently had a better offer for the evening.

When he wandered in the door, quite obviously unhurt and unperturbed, fury had no problem winning out.

'What time do you think this is to be coming home? Where the fuck have you been? I've been going frantic wondering if something happened to you.'

The bastard actually looked at his watch. 'Duo, what's wrong? It's only just past nine o'clock, and you knew exactly where I was. One of our exercises went on for longer than I'd expected and then there was paperwork to complete.'

'And it didn't occur to you to call me? That I might be worried? That I had dinner ready and I've been sitting here waiting for you and you didn't even have the courtesy to ring and say you'd be late?'

'Duo, you should have told me you'd made plans. I can hardly be expected to read your mind. I didn't even know if you were going to be working tonight or out with all those new friends of yours.'

'It was supposed to be a surprise!' I yelled at him. ' It was supposed to be our first night together in this house and I wanted it to be special and now you've ruined it all.'

'Duo.. I'm tired, I've had a very long day, I'm going up to take a shower and when I come back maybe you'll be prepared to talk to me rationally.'

'Whatever. Try not to drown in there.'

He wasn't gone long enough to shower, but stalked back downstairs wearing just a towel around his waist; even in my very state of extreme pissed-offness, it was impossible not to drool just a little bit, and make a mental note that I'd have to start leaving out just the little hand towels, or maybe just a face flannel, instead of the bigger bath sheets, which covered up way too much.

'Your bathroom is filthy, Duo. Have you ever cleaned out that shower since you moved in here? It's probably a health hazard.'

'You clean it, then! I'm not your frigging slave, in case you missed that memo. There's cleaning stuff under the sink.'

Off he stamped back upstairs and, yes, the rear view was - very pleasant, prompting all sort of ridiculous fantasies involving him wearing only rubber gloves and wielding a feather duster. Not that I actually possessed any of those items, but I can dream right? I was starting to think that fantasy Heero was actually a lot nicer than the real version, when he appeared back downstairs, fully dressed.

'Duo, do I even want to know to know why you have a rocket launcher in your bathtub?'

'Um, 'cause it wouldn't fit in the shower?'

''Duo! You have weapons stashed all over the house; when are you going to realise you're not still fighting a war?'

Oh, right, that was rich, coming from him. Mr. Perfect bloody paranoid Soldier, who wouldn't even let me order pizza without first running background checks on the restaurant staff.

'Maybe I'd find it easier to remember if I ever knew where my boyfriend was. Maybe I should just call Relena the next time and ask her?'

'Duo - I am not having this conversation now. I'm going out for an hour.'

Of course, I called Quatre for reassurance, like always and, just like always, he delivered.

'Duo, he loves you, you know that.'

'Sure. But I wonder sometimes if he actually likes me anymore. Everything I do now just seems to irritate him; my job, the guys I hang out with. He practically called my house a tip before he stormed out.'

Quatre started to laugh. 'Duo, your house is falling down. The last time we stayed there, you tried to fix the plumbing and flooded the whole lower floor so we had to sleep in the attic. And you had all those grenades in your bread bin!'

'For your information, they're not there any more. I have a loaf of that fancy Italian bread that Heero likes.' I couldn't help laughing too; that was the wonderful thing about Quatre; he seemed to like me the way I was, while Heero seemed to want me to become someone different. 'The explosives have moved into one of my cooking pots...oh, God, no wonder Heero thinks I'm a waste of space.'

'I'm sure he'll be doesn't think that,' he said soothingly. 'And don't worry too much about it; it's just a little fight. I'm sure he'll back soon. And Duo, maybe you should, you know, try talking to him. It'll work out; you know you two are just made for each other.'

'Yeah.' I muttered. 'Maybe as a punishment. Quat, I'd better go. There's a car outside; it's probably him.'

He was juggling a giant-sized pizza, brown paper bags from the Chinese take-away, two giant sodas and a tub of ice-cream and they all went flying when I hurled myself across the room into his arms.

'Oh, Duo. I'm sorry I spoilt your evening. I hadn't realised you'd gone to so much trouble.'

''S'alright,' I muttered, just a bit shakily.

'What happened, Duo?'

'I think we've just had our first ever domestic fight,' Standing there with him holding me, with my head against his shoulder and his hand stroking my back, it seemed something we might actually be able to laugh about. 'Happens to all newlyweds, according to Quatre.'

'We're newlyweds, are we?' He queried, smiling slightly, lifting my left hand and kissing the finger where the ring would be.

'You know what I mean.'

'Mmm,' It was hard for him to speak by then, because he'd taken my finger into his mouth and was swirling his tongue around it.

'He also said there's this great thing called make-up sex,' I murmured. 'If you're interested?'

It had been Quatre's idea for me to surprise Heero at work. We'd had a long talk the night of the Big Row, and sorted out a few ground rules; nothing too heavy, just that we would make sure to know each other's schedules, and call if anything changed, and that we would make time to be with each other. That was the most important thing for me, really; of course, I hadn't taken into account that Heero would end up volunteering to be a team leader, as well as actually doing some instruction, so by the time he came home most nights, he was too tired to do much except look over his course notes and then stumble into bed.

So Quat suggested I take the initiative some day when I knew Heero would be in his office; bring in a picnic and some massage oils, and just see what developed. It was apparently something Trowa did to him now and then, when he felt Quat needed a break.

It was - one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time.

The look on Heero's face when he walked through his door would have had me in hysterics if I hadn't been trying to look seductive. I hadn't quite felt comfortable enough to get totally naked, but I had my hair loose, and I was wearing only my tightest, lowest-slung jeans, with the zipper mostly open, and sprawling in the swivel chair behind Heero's desk.

'Duo! What the hell are you doing here?' OK, that wasn't quite the reaction I'd been hoping for. 'How did you get in to my office? Security never called to say you were here, and they don't even have the codes for opening my door!'

'Security utterly sucks in this building,' I peered up at him through my lashes, trying to look all flirty and naughty. 'And if you don't want me getting into your office, you'll have to stop leaving your laptop where I can hack into it.'

'So you stole information from my computer, breached the Preventers' security system, broke into my office, you're probably carrying some sort of illegal weapons on top of everything else…'

'Oh, come on, Heero. Relax, will you?' I twirled a lock of hair around one finger, and squirmed a little in his chair, letting my pants ride just that little bit lower. 'What, you think I've got a stick of dynamite or something in my jeans? Maybe you should come over here and search me?'

'Duo! For fuck's sake, you idiot! Have you any idea how much trouble you'll be in if you're caught? You've committed about a dozen federal offences that I can think of offhand; God, you could get life in maximum security! I can't believe even you'd even think of doing something so irresponsible…'

'Stop it!' I was scrambling out of his chair, grabbing my shirt. I'd thought at first that he was - I don't know - putting on this outraged, tough-guy act before he bent me over his desk for a little - 'discipline' or something. 'It's not that big of a deal, alright? I just thought it would be fun to actually spend some time together, and I wanted to surprise you. That's all. You obviously don't want me here and I bloody well don't want to stay here and get another lecture.'

'Oh, that's typical; just run away like you always do.' Oh, boy, now he was getting seriously pissed with me. He actually moved in front of me, blocking the door, with one hand raised. Probably not the brightest idea; I'm not sure if he was just trying to stop me, or hit me, or what.

'Try it, Yuy, and I'll fucking take you apart.'

'Duo…I wasn't going to hit you. I swear. I wouldn't do that. I'd never hurt you.'

'All you freaking do these days is hurt me, Heero,' I muttered. 'Nothing I do is ever good enough any more, is it? I try to do something special and romantic and all I get is abuse from you for how many freaking laws I've broken.

'Oh, Duo.' He sat down on the edge of his desk, running one hand through his hair. 'It was a sweet idea, truly; but you could get into so much trouble for this. We both could. You don't even have security clearance to be in the building, you baka.'

'Next, you'll be telling me I've violated some Preventer regulation by falling in love with you.'

'Never that. Although I believe you were in breach of Clause 15, Subsection D, of the Preventers's Code of Conduct first thing this morning, for attempting to seduce an agent of the organisation for your own personal gain…'

'You weren't complaining at the time. And I only wanted you to bring me breakfast in bed…is that so awful?'

'Your goal was innocent, perhaps.' He reached out and this time I let him take my hand, draw me into an embrace. 'The means you employed were … definitely suspect. Even an agent who has been trained in intensive resistance techniques was unable to withstand temptation.'

'You were resisting me pretty well a minute ago,' I muttered.

'Well, you did have the element of surprise on your side,' he countered smoothly, then unleashed a string of Japanese obscenities as his 'phone rang.

'This is Agent Yuy. Yes, Commander. Of course. Five minutes.'

'Duo, I'm sorry.'

'It's OK. I guess.' I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 'Duty calls, right? I'll see you this evening?'

'I won't be late. Promise. Maybe you could surprise me…on the couch?'

I didn't know Sally all that well, and it was a bit of a surprise when she called a week or so later. For me, it was always sort of hard to picture her and Wufei together. Granted, I didn't know him all that well back then, but they seemed a rather unlikely couple, apart from the fact that I'd always thought he was gay; well, I'd seen him giving Heero some pretty intense looks when he thought no one was looking.

Anyway, she wanted to talk about Wufei's upcoming birthday, and the surprise party she was planning to throw for him. To be honest, I couldn't imagine less likely to be enthralled by something like that than Chang Wufei, except maybe Heero, but she was his girlfriend and presumably knew him better than I did.

'Thanks, Duo. So I'll see you tonight, then. And not a word to 'Fei when you see him, OK?'

'Uh, Sally, what's happening tonight?' Maybe Heero'd asked them to come out with us on some double date or something. Well, I suppose stranger things may have happened in the history of the universe. Possibly.

'The Preventers' party! You haven't forgotten about it, have you? It's about time they did some sort of social function that included partners; I still haven't met any of Wufei's colleagues except Heero. I was on the 'phone to Heero after lunch, you know, and he said how much he was looking forward to it.'

'Oh, that party. Yeah, you know, I should probably be getting ready now. See you there, OK?'

Well. didn't that just say it all?

Heero was going off to some party and he hadn't bothered to tell me about it. I couldn't work out whether didn't want me to meet his co-workers because he was ashamed of me, or he didn't want me there because he was interested in someone else.

Getting ready to leave didn't actually take all that long. Old habits tend to die hard, and I still kept a backpack in the back of my closet, ready for a quick getaway if necessary; all I really needed to add was a couple of books, a bottle of whiskey and my IPod. My 'phone could stay there; I didn't want Heero ringing me with some excuse about having to attend a meeting or whatever. If he even bothered to do that; hell, he'd probably been swanning off with his new friends for months to mini golf tournaments or whatever off-duty Preventers did for kicks.

I just loaded up my car and drove. Hit the highway and headed north, up into the mountains. Another of those things I'd thought about doing some day with Heero; camping out in the woods and hiking, toasting marshmallows over a campfire and maybe seeing some wild animals. It wasn't quite so much fun by myself. It took a couple of days before I realised I was being stupid, that he had no right to chase me out of my own home, to live in leaky tent in the middle of a forest.

Driving home was miserable. My car broke down a couple of times, and I was covered in engine oil by the time I eventually coaxed it into my driveway.

I dragged my bags inside, and dumped them on the kitchen table, resolutely telling myself it was just as well he'd left. We'd only end up having another of those pointless arguments, and at some point we'd have sex, and then it would start all over again. He plainly didn't want me in his life. Period. I was eating peanut butter from a jar when he walked in the door.

'Heero!'

'I thought you'd left. All your stuff was gone…'

'No! I was staying at Wufei's; it just didn't seem right to stay here without you, but I was coming over every couple of hours, just in case….Oh, Duo, I've been going frantic worrying about you…I didn't know what had happened to you, what I'd done……What happened, love?'

'You - you went to a party and you never even told me about it.' OK, maybe it sounded a bit lame, and certainly Heero goggled at me. 'The Preventer thing - on Thursday - the one you told Sally Po you were going to? The one you didn't want to invite me to?'

'What? No, Duo, I wasn't going to go; I thought we could have an evening together, just the two of us. Sally kept asking me about it, so I just told her I was going to stop her nagging.'

'Oh.' God, now I felt seriously stupid. The award for total over-reaction to goes to…Duo Maxwell, baka extraordinaire.

'I can't believe you'd think I'd do something like that to you,' He came over and hugged me. Of course, I hadn't thought. Not for one second. Just did the whole jumping-to-conclusions thing, before running off. 'I never bothered telling you about it, because I didn't think you'd want to spend an evening with a bunch of strangers, and I thought we could maybe go out, just the two of us.'

I mumbled something, no idea what, and then realised that I was probably somewhat less than lemony fresh after three days in the wilderness, and tried to push him away.

'Let me go and take a shower, OK? I must stink to high heaven.'

'Engine oil and peanut butter and juniper berry shampoo,' he murmured, nuzzling my neck. 'Essence of Duo. Irresistible.'

'Heero! Stop it!' He let me go at once, and gave me this little kicked kitten look.

I swallowed. 'Just - let me go and get cleaned up, please?' I have this - thing - about cleanliness. Goes back to living in the Maxwell church and having other kids laugh at me.

'If you'll let me come and scrub your back. And any other parts of you that need some attention.'

'What's gone wrong with us, 'Ro?' It was dawn the next morning, and I wasn't sure that I wanted an answer, wasn't sure that he was even awake. We hadn't slept very much. Once I'd said it, I knew I wanted him to ignore the question, or else pretend everything was fine, that all couples had rows, it was normal and that somehow we always managed to paper over the crack, even if lately the cracks were getting wider and the papers more thinly stretched.

'I don't know, my love.' He said it on a deep sigh, settling me in his arms so we could see each other. ' I love you, I love you more than life but….'

'Say it. Whatever it is. Do you want to leave me?'

'NO. Never that. I swear to you, Duo. I can't imagine life without you. It's just that - Duo, what did you think our lives would be like, after the war?'

'I thought we'd be together.' Yeah, maybe that made me stupid, but it was all I'd wanted. Just to be with him, and at some point we'd figure out jobs and houses and all that.

'Oh, my love. My Duo. I do want that too.'

'But you want other stuff, too? Not just me.'

Deep sigh. 'Duo, I don't know. I want to do something good with my life. Something to balance out all the deaths. Not just during the War, but before…'

Oh. That. The part of his life he almost never talked about.

'When you say stuff like that, you make me feel so selfish, did you know that?'

'Oh, Duo. I don't mean to make you feel bad.' He sighed again, and then I was abruptly flipped over on to my side, so I was spooned against him, the way we settled when we had to talk about something difficult. 'Maybe we could just - talk about this? Try to work things out?'

'You first,' I said quickly, and of course I wanted him to say stuff about the pressures of his job, and studying, and how hard it was to be away from me so much.

'Do you actually want me to be honest with you? Can we agree that whatever we say is just for here, between the two of us, and that you won't get mad?'

'Um, I guess. I'll try anyway.'

'Quatre.'

'What the fuck are you talking about? Quatre's never done anything to you!'

'Oh, Duo. You don't know what it's like for me, do you? It sometimes feels like there are three of us in this relationship; that you've got me for sex and Quatre for everything else. That he's the one you confide in, not me.'

'He's my best friend. You know that! Of course I'm going to tell him stuff.'

'I know. I appreciate how very close you two are. But I'm your boyfriend, Duo; not Quatre. And maybe there are some things you should be sharing with me, not him. Every time we have a problem, do you know it's Quatre you go to? You try to pretend that everything is fine, or that it'll be solved if we have sex, but you never talk to me.'

'You've never here.'

'Maybe I would be, more often, if you were honest with me. Oh, Duo, I know you don't lie, everyone knows that, but I never know what you're not telling me. I worry so much about you, do you know that? This house is deserves to be condemned, the company you work for has a bad reputation, half of your colleagues have been in prison, I never know what you're up to when I'm not here, except that you have a house full of illegal weapons and - I worry about you, love. All the time.'

'I don't mean to exclude you. I'm just scared. Scared you'll leave me, that you won't want to stay if you know how screwed up I am. God, Heero, you're the best thing in my life. Sometimes, it's like you're the only good thing. And I - I can't believe I'll get to keep you, that something isn't going to go wrong. I thought you'd die during the War, so many times, and now, I just think that I don't deserve you, that I'm going to drive you away because I'm not good enough and because I don't know how to keep you with me.'

Fuck. That was - more than I'd planned to say. More than I'd ever admitted even to myself, really.

'Oh, my love. My Duo. Don't you have any idea that that's how I feel about you? I can't imagine why you're even with me, when you could have anyone you wanted.'

'Yeah, right.' I snorted at that, and he gave me one of those sad little smiles and brushed his lips across my hand.

'Yeah, right, Duo Maxwell, because you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and sometimes it breaks my heart that you can't believe how amazing you are.'

So, I joined Preventers, because he wanted me to. He thought it would help, give me some sort of direction.

How do you say 'unmitigated fucking disaster'?

I think Heero had actually pulled in some favours to get me a job, because they didn't seem any keener to have me there than I was. I didn't even make it through my first day.

He was really pissed off, actually taking the unprecedented step of flying home early, from some conference Relena had been attending in Japan, especially to yell at me.

Lucky me.

'I can't believe how irresponsible you were! You could have killed someone, '

'Heero, relax, will you? You're only in the door and you're lecturing me. It's not that bad…'

'Not. That. Bad.' He rapped out each word as if it were a personal enemy, as if he couldn't quite believe what he was saying. 'Duo. It was your first day. In the Intelligence Department. You were only there for a few hours. And you closed down the entire Preventer network. Do you have any idea what sort of consequences there could have been?'

'Well, I assume if there were some big crisis brewing, they would have been too busy dealing with it to waste time hassling the new guy. Or am I expecting too much, that they might actually be professional? Look, Heero, they started it, OK? Not me. I was just acting on information received…'

'On a patently false piece of information,' Heero jumped in glaring, and I gave him my best innocent look.

'I didn't know that for sure, 'Ro. OK, it might have been a false alarm, or even some juvenile prank, but I didn't know that, now did I? Someone sends me an email, purportedly from a splinter terrorist group, threatening Commander Une's life and claiming Preventer Agents were involved; you tell me, what should I have done?'

Heero shot me one of those homicidal glares. Of course, he knew perfectly well what I'd done and why, that I'd only really agreed to joining the sodding Preventers under duress

'You didn't have to close down the entire security system! You didn't have to disable the Preventer computer network! You really didn't have to barricade yourself in Commander Une's office and lock her in her own closet…'

'That was for her own protection,' I said glibly. Damn, but I'd quite enjoyed that part of it. 'I thought it best if she were out of sight from possible snipers.'

'Damnit, Duo. You could have killed someone! Or you could have been hurt. Did you ever think of that before you decided to take on the entire Preventers force single-handed?'

'C'mon, 'Ro, get real. You can't have it both ways. Either you're worried about Shinigami losing it on your poor itty bitty agents, or you're worried about them hurting me..' I snorted at that. 'As if.'

That all happened in September.

By November, things were - pretty damn bad. I'd spent a few days on L4 with Quatre and Trowa; Heero had been supposed to join us but something came up. As per usual. I'd tried to act normal around the guys, like it was no big deal, and they went along with it until the day I was leaving, when Quatre cornered me, wanting to know exactly what was going on.

'It's just not working. I love him, I swear I still love him, but he drives me insane. All he does nowadays is criticise me; nothing I do is ever fucking good enough.'

'Do you want to leave him?'

'No! I don't think so… I just want it to be the way it was. Fuck, Quat, half the time I was happier during the War than I am now.'

'You don't mean that, Duo.'

'I don't know what I mean anymore. I - shit, Quat, I have no idea how he even feels about me anymore. We don't talk, we have sex, we fight if we do try talking, then we have sex again just because it's the one thing we can still do together that actually is still the same.'

'What are you going to do?'

'Go home. I'm starting a new job on Monday; something Heero got for me. Someone he knows who runs an IT company. He's supposed to be staying with me for the weekend, if nothing more important comes up for him, the way it usually does.'

'Oh, Duo.' He stood up and hugged me, the way Heero used to. 'Maybe you two just need to - see less of each other for a while?'

'Maybe. Trouble is, the only way we could see less of each other is if we both became invisible.' I let him go. 'Q, what do you…feel from me? About him?'

It was the first time I'd ever asked out straight.

'Hurt. Confusion. That you still love him.' He gave me a sad little smile. 'The same things I picked up from Heero the last time I saw him, actually. Whatever happens, you know you're welcome here, for as long as you want.'

'Oh, that'll please your sisters, won't it? Not enough for you have to install one ex-Gundam Pilot in the family home…'

'Don't be silly, Duo. You know you're closer to me than anyone of them. Just - take care, alright? And try talking to Heero about how you feel.'

I went home. To my cold, leaky house and my new job. Which didn't work out. Spent most of the week thinking about Heero and me. It was Quat's fault; he'd actually come out and said the unthinkable. About me leaving. Leaving Heero. Something that would have been a ludicrous, laughable concept once, but now…. Neither of us was happy. We seemed to have lost the knack of how to make each other happy.

I later found out he'd taken an earlier shuttle and, finding the house empty, had set out to look for me. But at the time, he came out of nowhere and, of course, turned up at the worst possible moment. I only saw him for a second before he turned on his heel and marched out of the bar; just time enough to see his eyes. And yes, I probably should have gone straight after him. Instead, I finished my game of pool, losing spectacularly of course. I could have driven home, since I'd only had one beer, but I chose to walk instead, giving myself time to think.

He was sitting on my front step. I thought I'd developed a certain - immunity - to his glares since we'd been together. Apparently not, or else he'd been saving the really killer ones for a special occasion. Like finding me in a bar with some guy very, very close to me…

'You had a perfect stranger draped all over you!'

'Mickey's not a stranger; I work with him. And he wasn't 'draped', as you put it; maybe he was standing a bit close but that was 'cause he was showing me a better angle to hold my pool cue. And, not that it's any of your business, but he's straight. And married. And has three kids.'

'That guy works at Norton's?' OK, I could kind of understand where the incredulity was coming from here; Mickey's the size of a barn door, with hair as long as mine and a beard down to his waist. Not the sort of guy you could really see squeezed into a suit and tapping away at a keyboard.

Oops. Hadn't really wanted to get straight into all that.

'Nope. I quit Norton's on Wednesday. Mickey came over to help me with the roof and he offered me a job with his construction firm.'

There. Said it. Now wait for the explosion.

'Three days? You stayed three days? Because you were bored, I suppose?'

'Whatever. Look, if you're remotely interested in my side of the story, I got sick and tired of your buddy leering at my ass all day, and then he tried to get touchy-feely the last morning so I quit. Is that enough information for you? And, why don't you explain to me, Heero, how it's acceptable for you to go to all these fancy functions with Relena, and not for me to go to a bar for one drink with a colleague?'

'What I do with Relena is part of my job. And I do not let her hang all over me the way you appear to.'

'Yeah, guys flirt with me. So what? And sometimes maybe they want more, but that doesn't mean I let them. Don't you trust me, Heero; is that what this is all about? I belong to you, 'Ro. I love you. But that doesn't mean you own me, that I can't have other friends.'

'Duo, of course I trust you.' He ran a hand through dishevelled hair. 'It's just - I don't know if I can trust anyone else.'

'What? You don't think I'm capable of saying no? Of being faithful to you?' Oh, dear God. 'You think I'm from L2 so I'll let anyone screw me, is that it? But it's OK for you to be off with Relena Peacecraft doing who-knows-what?'

'It's a job, Duo. Nothing else. Just another undercover mission. We've gone through this so many times. It's easier for me to protect Relena if I'm with her constantly, if I pretend to be her boyfriend, rather than just an other bodyguard in a uniform.'

'And what if someone twigs to the fact that you don't even sleep together? Exactly how far do you have to carry this boyfriend role-playing? Will you have to share her bed; get under her covers for real? Would you go that far to protect her?'

'Of course I wouldn't! Relena knows I'm with you. And she doesn't like me like you think; she regards me as a brother, nothing else.'

'Yeah, there's a word for that kind of brotherly love and it's illegal in most societies.'

'Relena is my employer, Duo, and a friend. You are my lover, my boyfriend, my partner. Why can't you believe me?'

Meeting his eyes then was a mistake. It always - did something to me inside, when he let his guard down like that, and I knew I was the only person who got to see him like that. Uncertain. Vulnerable. Letting himself need something from another person.

Things progressed - pretty much the way you might expect after that. Not the best idea. We were both too tense, too overwrought for it to be a success. Making love with Heero had always been phenomenal, but it had always been tied up with trust and intimacy and affection. Later, lying in his arms, I 'd given up even the pretence that I wasn't crying.

'You hurt me, Heero, you know that.'

'Duo! Why didn't you say? I would have stopped.'

'No, not like that. All those things you said. When did you stop trusting me, 'Ro?'

'When did you stop trusting me? You're obsessed with Relena, Duo. Just because she has - some sort of silly crush on me doesn't mean I'm going to reciprocate. I'm gay. I'm your partner. I'm in love with you. I have never once given you any reason to doubt any of that.'

'I know,' I mumbled. What was the point in saying how I felt, really? That she was a princess and pure and in love with him, and I was just this piece of L2 street scum and it was my biggest fear in the universe that one day he was going to recognise that, and realise he should be with her, not with me. 'I' m sorry. I'm just - being insecure, that's all. I'll try harder, I swear.'

'Oh, Duo. This shouldn't be about you having to try. I just want you to believe in me. That's all.'

'I - I don't think I can do this any more. Any of it.' I had no idea how to say any of the things I was feeling. That I loved him far more than my life, and that scared me so much because there was no way it was going to last. That it would almost be easier if I could just end it now.

He left that afternoon. Irony of ironies; we actually got on better that morning than we had in months. We walked down to the shore and sat on a boulder and talked. Agreed that maybe we both just needed a little space to ourselves; maybe to try reconnecting as friends and rediscover all those things we'd once loved about each other.

So that was the state of affairs coming up the very first Remembrance Day. December 25th, 196.

I hadn't seen Heero for nearly a month, but we spoke on the 'phone fairly regularly. He'd been accepted to a few fast-track legal programmes but hadn't made up his mind yet which to choose. I had packed up the few things I wanted to keep and taken the first shuttle to L4. Leaving my house had been an oddly painless experience, and that somehow made me feel even worse. It was the first home Heero and I had shared together; there were some good memories there, but I just couldn't wait to get away.

Now, a charitable person might assume that Relena had assigned me a place setting, at the Remembrance Day Banquet, beside a distant cousin of hers out of pure kindness. Sure. A person possessed of a somewhat more cynical disposition might take the opposing view; that Prince Luis of Spain was handsome and sophisticated and newly single, and might well distract my attention from Heero, thereby leaving the field clear for a certain princess to make her move.

And yes, the prince was suave and charming and very nicely put together and yes, I did put myself out there just the tiniest bit whenever Heero - seated at Relena's side, quite naturally - happened to glance over at us, and made sure it looked like we were having a fabulous time. If Heero hadn't swept Relena off to dance the moment the orchestra got started, I probably would never have agreed to accompany the prince outside to the terrace to 'enjoy the moonlight'. If he hadn't reeked of cigar smoke, and been so absolutely, smugly sure of his own irresistible attractions, I might have let him kiss me.

Instead, he was walking just a little bit oddly when he went back inside. God, Relena would probably have me arrested for assaulting a member of the royal family.

'Status, 02?' Heero, naturally, materialising in full protective mode; he had to have seen what was happening, but he'd let me handle it and that meant something.

'Situation contained, 01. Shouldn't you be inside? Doing your Preventer thing? The L2 ambassador looks like he might start filching the silverware if there isn't someone keeping a close eye on him.'

'I've resigned. Effective as of this evening.'

'Bet Une loved that, huh?'

'She was - not impressed. She tried to offer me all sorts of incentives to stay. Even on a part-time basis, if I wanted to study.'

'Wow. So - what did you say?'

'That I had something more important to do with my life.' He bent to tongue gently across my open mouth. 'Dance with me, love? Please.'

'You're such a sap, sometimes.'

He knew how to waltz, of course, and I just let him steer me gently around the terrace, not paying too much attention to where my feet were going, once his arms were around me.

'Better learn to deal with it.' Another kiss, much deeper; his mouth settling on mine like it belonged there and his tongue coaxing my lips to part. 'I love you,' he said resolutely. 'With all my heart and soul and everything there is of me. I do love you,' He said it into my mouth, this time, letting me absorb the words with his breath, sending them flying straight to my soul.

'Please, Duo. Come back to me. We can fix this.'

'Convince me.'

'I have a suite, with the biggest bed you ever saw, and a hot tub. And some of those Sanque chocolates you like so much. And champagne. Will that do for now?'

'To start. How about…you and me sharing the tub, and you feeding me chocolate and giving me champagne-flavoured kisses?'

'That - could be arranged.'

We both jumped at the first firework; at the explosion of acid green rockets across the night sky.

'God, I hate those things. Remind me of the war.'

'Me too,' he slid both arms around my waist, and pulled me closer; this time he stroked my tongue with his own, teased it alive and smiled against my lips when I moaned breathlessly, sagging against him.

'I love you, too. You know that.'

If he'd wanted, I would have let me take me there and then, if the nightmare hadn't begun, and the next burst of noise and colour hadn't been real explosives.

We later found out they were L3 separatists, somehow connected with the Barton Foundation. It was a suicide mission to kill Relena, but anyone else who got in the way would be a happy bonus.

The whole engagement took less than twenty minutes, apparently, but time tends to do weird things when you're in battle. Heero was armed of course, and I took a gun from a Sanque palace guard who'd died in that first explosion. He was first into the main hall, in a staccato burst of gunfire and flame; I was right behind, providing cover.

The ballroom was - pretty much in the state you'd expect from a fancy, high-class party that had been crashed by armed terrorists. Heero dived straight off to the right, to back up Quatre, who was lying under a table with a blaster rifle, blazing away at the terrorists who were still streaming in through the main doors.

Une and Wufei and a bunch of Preventer agents were clustered around the table where Relena had been sitting, trying to protect her. No easy thing, as the bloody brainless bimbo was actually trying to get up on the table, shrieking something about 'non-violent solutions.' Not very charitable of me, but I couldn't help thinking it would serve Her Royal Cluelessness damn well right if someone did manage to take a shot at her; might teach her something about the real world inhabited by those of us who weren't fairy tale princesses.

Une and co were concentrating on the frontal attackers ; I don't think anyone had even had time to consider just how vulnerable Relena was behind them.

'Get the fuck down, Relena!' I yelled at her, and I swear she flinched more at the curse than at the bullets that were flying past her. Then she started to scream in earnest; I'd seen the sniper out of the corner of my eye, taking aim from the window embrasure behind her and he fell half on top of her, drenching her with blood. I'd obviously hit a major blood vessel.

The whole time-speeding-up-and-slowing-down thing happened then. I ended up in the hallway, with me and Tro on either side of the grand staircase, world narrowed to aim and fire and reload until there were only bodies on the steps.

'Nice shooting, Mr. Barton.'

'Likewise, Mr. Maxwell.'

Dear God, but in some screwed-up, crazy way, I'd missed this part of it. Not just the sheer rush of adrenalin, but the comradeship, the trust given and received to someone you would trust with your life.

'Where's Quatre?'

'In the ballroom, last I saw, mowing down bogies with the biggest gun I ever saw. Heero's with him.'

'You two OK?'

'Yep.'

'About bloody time.' He reached over and gave me of those complicated handshakes that I can never quite get the hang of. 'Maybe you should go find him?'

Inside the ballroom, things had calmed down slightly. The Palace guards were there in force; they wore the most stupid uniforms you could imagine, probably designed by Relena, but they knew their job. Well, let's face it, if you go to work every day in a rose pink tunic and flared sleeves and some sort of plumes in your helmet, you probably have to work pretty hard to get any respect.

It wasn't too hard to find Heero; not even too surprising that he was holding Relena. What I hadn't expected was to find him kissing her.

And it was all suddenly clear. No way was she going to put her life and career on hold to spend years hanging around a university waiting for him to graduate. I was. It hadn't even taken much to win me back. A dance on the moonlit terrace, a couple of kisses, three words and he'd pretty much guaranteed himself an easy, obliging fuck for whenever he wanted, while he waited for his pure princess to make up her mind.

I'm so freaking stupid. I'd believed him. Believed every freaking word.

The Leo just happened to be there, parked on the front lawn, unguarded; I 'd seen it earlier, of course and thought it was a crazy thing to have at an anniversary of peace, but Quat said it was there as some sort of symbolism. That people could see a Mobile Suit and even touch it and that would some demystify them as weapons of destruction. No, it made no sense to me either but hey, it was probably Relena's idea.

It was a fast escape route. That was the main thing. Quat had told me they'd removed all the weapons; hadn't thought it necessary to mention they'd also done something to disable most of the controls and by the time I realised that, it was too late. That first surge of power, that irresistibly reminded me of 'Scythe, and then we were airborne and then I realised it wasn't responding to the controls, that we'd lost power and there was no way I was going to be able to avoid a crash landing….