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A few nights later Jess called, asking if Rory wanted to go out. It was Saturday and Rory had planned an evening with the TV.

"Where?" she asked and he said,

"There's a new bar near my place. Or, I've just found it, so it's not that new. It could be fun, what do you think?"

"Okay," Rory agreed, after pausing. "I'll meet you at your place."

She showered, debated her clothes and settled on a new T-shirt and jeans, brushing her hair and leaving it loose. It was still damp as she called to let him know she was there, and he looked almost nervous as he grinned at her and led the way.

They found the bar, away from the main roads, and ordered their drinks. Jess got whiskey and Rory chose the same, which amused him.

"Sure?" he asked and Rory shrugged.

"Why not?"

They took their drinks to a table in the corner and Jess lifted his glass.

"To tonight."

Rory sipped her whiskey and coughed, making Jess laugh.

"Little strong?"

"It's fine."

She drank some more and noticed Jess was looking at her over the rim of his glass.

"What?"

"I'm curious about something."

"Shoot," Rory said and Jess hesitated before asking,

"What happened? When you dropped out of Yale, what was going on?"

Rory stared at her drink, suddenly unwilling to look at Jess. She swirled the liquid and said,

"It was a lot of stuff."

"Is it okay, that I asked? I know you didn't want to tell me before," Jess said and Rory nodded.

"I messed up," she said eventually. "I screwed up so bad."

She looked up and Jess nodded, waiting, before she went on,

"Logan's dad told me I couldn't be a journalist. I did an internship at his office and he said I didn't have what it takes."

"You're serious?" Jess asked incredulously and Rory grimaced, drinking more of the whiskey.

"I believed him. I shouldn't have - I know that - but he was so respected, and I don't know, Jess, I'd had the worst year and it was too much. I was so stupid."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory took a breath.

"I stole a yacht."

"What?" Jess asked, putting his glass down, and Rory laughed, shaking her head.

"I left the office and I was supposed to go this party at the harbour, for Logan's sister, and I went, and I couldn't stand it. I had to do something, I had go somewhere and I couldn't go home and I...do you remember, at the start of Moby Dick, where they talk about knocking people's hats off?"

"And taking to sea," Jess said, finishing the quote, and Rory nodded. "So you took a boat?"

"With Logan. It was awful, I know. I just thought he did stuff like that all the time, and I needed to do something like that too, something dumb and adventuruous and stupid. We got arrested."

Jess was silent and Rory asked,

"Do you think I'm a jerk?"

"Rory, you know I don't."

"It was so stupid."

"Yeah, it was, but you're not a jerk. You just screwed up."

"I dropped out after that," Rory went on, looking away again. "I needed some time away. It just felt like - I don't know, it just felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care anymore, about finishing Yale and becoming a journalist, if I even could, and I knew I couldn't go back next year. I told Mom and she wouldn't accept it. She wouldn't let me move home so I moved in with Grandma and Grandpa. It was only in the poolhouse, and then it was only my room, and it became six months and then you showed up."

"Why your room?"

"Huh?"

"Why'd you move out of the poolhouse?"

"Oh, they found out I was having sex."

Jess grinned, his cough badly disguing a chuckle and Rory laughed, surprised at herself. It had never seemed funny before but now she kept catching Jess's eye and giggling.

"They walk in on you or something?"

"They got a minister to talk me out of it but he was a little late."

Jess laughed again and Rory did too, unable to stop. It suddenly sounded so ludicrous and her shoulders shook with laughter until Jess asked,

"That guy you were with...how'd you meet him? Was it your grandparents?"

"No, but they knew him. He went to Yale with me. I met him in my sophomore year."

Rory took another drink of whiskey and added,

"It wasn't what I thought it would be."

"Yale?"

"Yeah. I imagined it being so great. I always wanted to go to college. I know it was Harvard, but Yale looked pretty good too."

"It wasn't."

"I was lonely," Rory admitted, gripping her glass. "And I didn't expect it, I guess. I mean, I didn't have many friends at Chilton but it was okay. I had Mom and Lane. They visited a lot, and Lane lived with me for a little while, but they had to go and I was on my own. I didn't know anyone there and the work was too much and I had to drop a class. It felt like the worst thing in the world. I felt like a such a failure."

Rory drank the rest of the whiskey. She had never said so much about it before and Jess said gently,

"Nothing wrong with being lonely, or not handling it. Doesn't make you a failure."

"It felt like it. I don't know, I'd never had to drop anything at Chilton. I always managed it."

"Yeah, but that was high school. I hear they bring it up a notch at college."

"It was like everyone could do it but me." Rory stared at the table and then shook her head. "It sounds stupid."

"It doesn't."

"Yes it does. Mom was so mad at me. She said I could figure out a new path, but I had to stay in school. She was so disappointed in me."

There was a napkin on the table and Rory picked it up, starting to shred it as she added,

"I never wanted to disappoint her. I didn't want to fight with her, but I was so mixed up and she wanted me to go back so badly I couldn't talk to her. We didn't talk for six months."

"That had to suck," Jess said and Rory laughed, letting the pieces drop.

"Just a little."

"I guess she wasn't crazy about you being in the DAR either."

"She wasn't exactly thrilled."

Jess smiled but he looked serious as Rory sighed.

"We had a fight before and that was awful. I thought we'd never fight that long again."

"What happened?"

Rory felt her cheeks blush. She hadn't intended on telling Jess the story behind that and he asked,

"What is it?"

"It's not good," Rory said quietly. "You know how you came to see me at Yale, when - you asked me to go away with you."

Jess gave a slight nod and Rory went on,

"Well, Dean was there. You remember. And I didn't plan it, but he showed up at my house, when Mom was doing a test run for the inn and we - I slept with him."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory bit her lip.

"Mom came back and she was so mad. She said all this stuff, which was true, but I didn't want to hear it, and I went to Europe with Grandma and we didn't make up for weeks."

"Did you stay with him? Dean?"

"For a couple of months," Rory said, staring at the table again. "I know it was wrong. I guess I thought - I don't know. I didn't think I'd appreciated him, when he was with me. He wanted to be with me again. I used to feel safe with him."

"Why'd it end?" Jess asked, after a pause, and Rory said,

"He dumped me at a party. Logan and his friends saw all of it."

"Jerk," Jess said quietly and Rory shook her head.

"I was a jerk. He was married and I slept with him. He told me it was over but it wasn't. I shouldn't have done it."

"Rory."

"I messed up. I messed up so bad."

"Dean's a jerk," Jess said, leaning to catch her eye. "He told you it was over."

"But it wasn't. He was still with her and it ended because of what we did. He told me that."

"It was him too," Jess said angrily. "Dean always acted like he was some kind of boy scount and he was total jerk."

"So was I. I screwed up."

"Everyone messes up, Rory. It's who we are."

"I didn't mean to drop out," Rory said, her voice low. "It just happened. And I know it sounds so weak and stupid, but it did, Jess. One minute I was handling all my classes and then my boyfriend's father was telling me I'd make a good assistant and I couldn't go back."

"And you stole a boat," Jess said, but his voice was gentle. "Everyone fails, Rory."

"I didn't want to."

"But you did. You went back."

"Only because you said all that stuff. Jess, I don't know if - if you hadn't said it, sometimes I think I wouldn't have."

"I knew you could do it," Jess said, looking in her eyes. "I knew you could go back. And you did."

"All I can think of is how I screwed up."

"You went back," Jess said again. "That's what you should remember."

Rory smiled, looking back into his eyes and Jess smiled too, sounding a little shy as he said,

"Do you want another drink?"

"No," Rory said, sitting back. "I feel like walking. I don't want to go home yet but maybe we could walk a little?"

"And go where?" Jess asked, amused and Rory grinned.

"I don't know, Jess. Find a park, stare at our shoes. How does that sound?"

"Perfect."

The night was warm but not stifling and Rory breathed in the damp air. It refreshed her after the closeness of the bar and she smiled at Jess, stepping closer to him.

"It's not as hot tonight."

"Less humid," Jess agreed. "It's nice."

They walked in silence, broken by occasional small-talk. Rory looked over at Jess beside her, hands in his pockets and an almost-smile on his lips.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"What was your first time like?" Rory asked and Jess laughed.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Well, I told you about mine," Rory said boldly. "I'm curious."

"Oh, man."

Jess shook his head, chuckling, and Rory added,

"Or you can tell me to quit being so personal."

"I don't mind. God, I haven't talked about that in years. It was with a waitress."

"A waitress?"

"Yeah," Jess said, sounding sheepish. "Her name was Maggie. She said she was nineteen and she worked near my apartment."

"Was it romantic?"

"I wouldn't call it that."

"What would you call it?"

"Short-lived," Jess said. "In every sense."

Rory laughed out loud and Jess said,

"That answer your question?"

"Very much," Rory said, putting a hand over her mouth to stop giggling. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They started walking again and Rory asked,

"So did you see her for long?"

"Nope. I think we found a new place week later. That was one move I didn't mind."

"How old were you?"

"Sixteen."

Rory nodded and they reached the main streets, turning back for Jess's apartment. They were walking silently again and Rory jumped when Jess said,

"It wasn't long after that when I met you."

"No," Rory said, looking up. She smiled and Jess went on,

"I was a mess back then."

"Jess..."

"We both know it, Rory. I didn't know what I was doing, I couldn't graduate high school and I couldn't take you to your prom."

"It was just a dance," Rory said, stopping. "It doesn't matter."

"It did matter," Jess insisted. "It does matter. I'm sorry, Rory."

"It's okay," Rory said. "Jess, it was years ago. We were kids."

"And I messed up," Jess said. "I messed a lot up, that year."

"You were eighteen," Rory said, stepping closer to him. "It was so long ago. Jess, you're so smart - you wrote a book. You sat down and wrote a book."

"I remembered what you said."

"What?"

"In the car - the night we crashed. You said I could do more. I had to work through a lot of crap, but I remembered that, Rory, when I was trying. I couldn't have done it without you."

Rory smiled. She wanted to say something wonderful, tell him what it meant, but as she thought of how to thank him Jess said,

"And you messed up, and it was a long time ago. I don't think it's bad, Rory. I'm proud of you."

Rory opened and closed her mouth. Jess smiled at her, his hair curling in the condensation.

"You're proud of me?" she finally asked and Jess nodded.

"You went back."

Rory returned his smile but couldn't speak. Her skin was hot, shot through, and Jess reached out to brush her hand.

"Want to go to my place?"

He was looking at her in a way that made her feel almost naked. Rory smiled, shook her head and looked away.

"It's getting late. I should head back. Thanks, though."

"Okay," Jess said simply. "Want me to walk you to the subway?"

"No, it's only the next street, right?"

He nodded and Rory smiled.

"I'll let you know when I'm home. Thanks for tonight. I had fun."

"Me too," Jess said quietly. "It was."

They nodded at each other and Rory made her way home, so light in her step she felt she could float.