Disclaimer

I don't own Gundam Wing (although they are rapidly taking over MY life) and Snowdragonct owns 'Witness Protection' and…..

Heero: That's such a lame disclaimer. It would never hold up in court.

Me: Come on! Some massive Japanese corporation isn't going to bother suing me...it's not like I have any money….Sheesh! You're unbearable since I made you a lawyer in this story.

Heero: Well, if they do take legal any action I'll be happy to represent you.

Me: Oh! Thanks, Heero.

Heero: For my usual fee, naturally.

Me: Hey! Do you want to take Duo out for dinner or not?

Heero: I'd be very happy to represent you for free.

Me: OK then. As I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, 'Witness Protection' and 'Wedding Planner' are the intellectual property of Snowdragonct (hereinafter referred to as 'Snow') and are mentioned with her express, written permission. Happy now?

Heero: H'n.

Note

: OK, this is NOT exactly a new chapter of ALG. The other day, I was thinking about the Heero/Duo/Trowa Triangle of lurve, and somehow I came up with this little bit of utter silliness. I sent it to Snowdragonct and a couple of other people, who said it was funny, so I thought I might as well post it for a laugh.

grins I'm turning into such a review junkie, I'd post my shopping list at this stage if I thought someone would review it!

Hugs and giant white-chocolate-and-macadamia-nut cookies to Snow, who not only tolerated but encouraged this silliness, let me play with her stories and contributed lots of hilarious dialogue. I know I'm posting this as part of ALG but she deserves equal credit.

Thanks also to K.S. and Robin, for being guinea pigs….

Warnings:

Where do I start? Extreme silliness. Mention of 1x2, 3x4, 1x2x5, 2+3 etc etc etc… Definite hint as to my favourite pairing -ahem- well, I think I pretty much let the cat out of the bag in the last chapter anyway! Only makes sense if you've read ALG and the 'Rainy Day' stories, as well as Snow's stories 'Witness Protection' and 'Wedding Planner'. It possibly won't even make sense then.

Anyway, this is the sort of stuff that goes on in my head...Be afraid. evil laugh..

The following conversation has no bearing whatsoever on the actual story.

Interlude of Extreme Silliness:

Scene: Me sitting at desk and daydreaming. Vaguely thinking about the work I should be doing...

Enter Heero and Trowa, both armed to the teeth and looking pretty menacing...

Heero: So, Lily. When exactly are you going to tell Trowa that Duo belongs to me?

Duo (going all dewy eyed and speaking to himself): Wow! Heero must still be in love with me...

Me: Well, you know, I want to keep the element of suspense for a bit longer, just to keep the readers' interest up.

Heero: I don't care about your stupid storyline! I want Duo back...

Trowa: FYI, Yuy, Duo's with me right now!

Heero: No way! He was mine first!

Trowa: Well, maybe you should've looked after him better...He's mine now. You're supposed to be the lawyer...you should know that possession is nine tenths of the law!

Heero: I wouldn't be too sure of myself if I were you! I happen to know that in Chapter 25 you get...

Trowa: What? Get what? Laid? Killed? Eaten by lions?

Me: Shut up, Heero. None of you are supposed to know what's going to happen..

Wufei: That's not fair! Total injustice! The deal is that none of us know what's going on...

Me: I didn't tell him! He must have cracked my password and hacked into the file.

Heero: Well, your passwords are too obvious! You always use the names of the cats..

Trowa(diving on to keyboard and typing frantically): Let's see. Jamber? Shamin?

Samira? Damn, what's the new kitten called? It's something really stupid!

Me: It's not stupid! It's the name of a Norse God. It's really cool.

Heero: That won't do you any good, Barton. I've been checking her favourite stories and she prefers 1x2 endings!

Trowa: But I want to be with Duo! Quatre's too emotional and sensitive!

Heero: Duo's sensitive too! In places you'll never know about..

Trowa: I wouldn't be so sure about that! I'm sick of always having to be with Quat.

Duo's much more low maintenance and his hair's incredible..

Heero: Don't you dare talk about his hair! I'd kill you if you ever touched it...

Trowa: Believe me, Yuy. You don't even want to know what I've done to his hair!

Heero: I'm going to kill you! Why don't you just go back to that little blonde weasel? This is all his fault anyway! What the hell is his problem?

Wufei: Oh, stop fighting the pair of you! In her other story, a threesome worked out pretty well for the two of us and Duo..

Zechs: That I'd really like to see!

Heero: No way am I sharing Duo! He's mine.

Trowa(checking out Heero): Hmm. That could be interesting, actually.

Duo: Oy! How many times do I have to say I'm not into threesomes!

Wufei(sounding hurt): That's not what you said last night. Or this morning. Or during the tea break.

Duo(blushing): Oh. Um. Sorry, 'Fei. It's just weird saying it in front of Trowa.

Heero: Hold on! What tea break? This morning?

Wufei: Sorry, Heero, but you were late getting back from that meeting with Une. And it's not like I don't know what you two get up to when I'm working late..

Trowa: Can we deal with one story at a time? And in ALG, Duo is with me right now!

Heero: Oh yeah? Well, you're stuck off at the circus right now and I get to take Duo out to a really romantic restaurant in the next episode...

Duo: Oh! Wow, I wonder I'm going to wear?

Heero: Duh! The velvet shirt I picked out for you. Maybe with those really tight leather pants you used to have? And I'm going to tell you that I ...

Trowa(looking up from computer, having cracked the code for upcoming chapters): Hah! You think so, do you? You might want to but ...!

Me(nervously): Look, why don't we all just take some time out here?

Heero(loosening gun in holster): WHAT? You promised me that I'd get to tell Duo how I feel about him! You've kept us apart for years just for your stupid plot.

Trowa: Why don't you just tell him the truth? That I get Duo and he goes back to his pathetic, lonely life? I mean, the only person he gets to hang out with is Lucca and that's only because he pays his salary.

Quatre(sobbing): Do you really not want to be with me any more, Tro?

Trowa(very uncomfortably): Oh, kitten. I do! It's just - you're kind of evil at the moment.

Quatre(still sobbing): It's not my fault! I hate it! She's making me do things just for her dumb story..

Me: You agreed to it. You said you wanted to do something different!

Quatre(sobbing even harder): I didn't think everyone was going to hate me! The reviewers all think I've sold my soul to the devil. Or that I've got a brain tumour. Or should be on medication.

Me; There was one suggestion that you're setting all this up as an elaborate way to get Heero and Duo back together…

Quate(mildly hysterical by now): I wouldn't need an elaborate plan for that! You could just lock the two of them in a room for ten minutes!

Duo: Works for me!

Trowa:Lily, it's all your fault...And now you've made Quat cry!

Heero: And it's her fault that Duo and I split up. SHE's the one we should kill..

Me: No! I'm sure we can come to an understanding here! Please...

Quatre: I hate this story. I quit!

Me: We had a deal, Winner. Remember? You signed a contract!

Quatre: You never said that everyone would hate me! I want to be sweet and innocent again! I'm moving to 'Witness Protection'.

Me: Huh! You won't like it there as much as you think you will. I mean, you're a lawyer! That's as bad as being evil. And Snow's already killed off Zechs. and Rashid. And .. and... and destroyed a lovely Persian rug.

Quatre: I don't care. I'm a GOOD lawyer! And I want to see Trowa in his stage costume. I saw the artwork and he looks really hot!

Trowa: Oh, baby! Let's go. I'll give you a private performance.

Quatre(blushing): I'd love that! Hey, Duo, we're going to live in Snow's story. Are you coming?

Duo: I'm not sure, Quat. I'm kind of looking forward to having dinner with Heero and getting to wear my new clothes. And it's not like I'm having the best time in 'Witness Protection. I mean, my boyfriend got shot, Treize wants to kill me, Heero's being really mean to me...

Quatre: But deep down he's attracted to you. I can sense it.. And you know Snow only ever writes happy 1x2 endings.

Duo: That's true. Snow, what do you think I should do?

Snow: Well, I know Heero's still being an ass, Duo, but Quatre could be right about his unrelenting attraction to you. At some point, you might even get to start flirting with him...unrelentingly.

Duo: Excellent!

Wufei: No, it's not--it's offensive and scandalous--and I'm a stinking prude! I'm staying in ALG where I get lots of Zechs.

Duo: You mean "sex."

Wufei: That's what I said...Zechs.

Zechs: At least I didn't get snuffed before the first chapter in ALG--or at all! I know where I'm staying!

Duo: I have it from a reliable source that in WP you and I got to screw like bunnies prior to your untimely demise.

Wufei: Keep flirting with my ALG boyfriend and I'll dice you with my katana! It's--unjust!

Duo: Chill, Justice boy. Hm, I don't think you've said that yet--in either story. Hey, gals, get busy! 'Fei needs his "tag line."

Snow: Right--and in WP you're running and hiding, and pretty much lying your ass off half the time.

Zechs: So much for YOUR "tag line."

Me: So, Duo, maybe if you're not having fun in 'Witness', you'll consider coming back to ALG...

Duo: Oh, like I'm ever talking to you again! I've just looked over your new chapter and it sucks! When are you going to give me a frigging break?

Me: Duo, we talked about your motivation for this chapter! You've been estranged from Heero for five years, you can't just fall into his arms...

Duo: Watch me!

Me: But - you're a very complex, complicated character and you're still dealing with a lot of issues.

Duo: Screw that! HELLO! Have you SEEN Heero lately? In what universe am I not going to jump on him??

Me: He...He...He never visited when you were in a coma!

Duo: Who cares? I wouldn't have known anyway. I'm sticking with Snow. I like her way better than you! She let me get married. Twice in one story! With wild flowers and everything! I still have that silk ribbon….(sighs happily) It was so romantic!...What have you ever given me?

Me: Um, a cool car and a few flashbacks?

Duo: That doesn't cut it. I hear a rumour that she's going to give me a hot tub scene with Quatre AND Trowa.

Me: I thought you weren't into threesomes.

Duo(blushing): Um, well...

Me: Oh, Heero's going to love that, isn't he? Or I could tell him that you DID sleep with Zechs in ALG. He still half believes you did anyway.

Quatre:It's not fair. Why does Duo get everything? Now, he gets to sleep with Zechs as well??

Me: What, do you want to sleep with Zechs now too?

Zechs: Oh, yeah! Everyone wants a piece of me! (smirks)

Wufei: Over my dead body.

Zechs: Even I'm not into that.

Duo: Hey, this was my conversation.

Me: Zechs, you want to stay with me, right? You like ALG?

Zechs: That depends. Am I in the next chapter?

Me: Um, not in person. But you get to talk to Duo on the 'phone.

Zechs: That's not good enough! I like it when you describe my hair (swishes hair)

Me: Well...you could be on the vid screeen. Will that do?

Wufei(indistinctly): He's busy right now. Come back in a while.

Duo: I'm off to 'Witness'! So, Snow, about that hot tub scene? Are we, like, all naked and stuff?

Snow(dreamily): Yes!

Heero: You wanna quit daydreaming about my Duo? I haven't said "omae o korosu" yet in WP or ALG--but don't push me!

Snow: I'm the author. I can't very well write about you guys if I don't daydream about you. (smiles fondly) ALL of you. (eyes Heero)

Duo: Hey, hey there! Back the trolley! No daydreaming about my Heero. And STOP looking at him like that!

Snow: But I have to describe him for the story...those chiseled abs and those muscular shoulders...intense blue eyes and messy hair...

Duo: Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

Wufei: And me!

Zechs: And me!

Heero: Omae o korosu ALL FOUR OF YOU! (pouts adorably) And my hair is NOT messy.

Duo: I like it messy. (sidling closer) Want me to help you mess it up? We could go off somewhere together…..I think Snow just switched on the hot tub….and y'know it's probably big enough for the six of us…..

Ahem. Normal chapters of ALG will be resumed as soon as I get them all out of the hot tub