A/N This one is set right after episode 8.08 Hunteri Heroici. Enjoy! Or maybe 'enjoy' isn't quite the right word...

"Cas are you sure you're okay?" Dean asked, watching his friend carefully. They had only just returned to the bunker from Oklahoma City and Cas was already preparing to leave.

"Yes, I'm fine," he said, but his deep frown said otherwise. Dean glanced over his shoulder at Sam who was sitting at his desk in the cavernous study, and stepped closer to Cas to avoid being overheard.

"Yesterday you told me you were worried you might kill yourself. I mean, I know you're not human, but you can't be okay."

"Dean, really, I'm fine," he insisted, this time sounding almost convincing. "I will only be gone for a few days."

"I really wish you'd let me come with you."

"I think I need a little time to myself," Cas said. "I have a lot to think about."

"Okay," Dean said reluctantly. "But you call me if you need anything."

"Of course," Cas said.

"C'mere," said Dean, grabbing Cas and pulling him in to a tight hug. "Cut yourself some slack okay?"

Cas didn't reply, he just flashed Dean a halfhearted smile, called his farewell to Sam and left the bunker, leaving Dean with a frown on his forehead and a knot in his stomach. Once he was out of sight, Dean walked slowly over to his brother and sat beside him, his eyes still on the door.

"Is he okay?" Sam asked.

"I don't know, man," Dean said. "I really don't know."

Dean was woken suddenly by the shrill sound of his cell phone. It took him a second to get his bearings, turning over to face his bedside table where the clock read 3:47am. He fumbled around for the source of the noise, grabbing his phone and answering it, his eyes too bleary and the screen too bright to see who it was.

"Hello?" he croaked.

"Dean."

"Cas?" Dean sat up abruptly. There was a long silence and Dean held his breath. At last Cas spoke again but his voice was barely more than a whisper.

"I'm not okay."

"I'm coming to get you." Dean said, standing up, flicking on the light and looking around for his boots. "Where are you?" There was another pause.

"Bolivia."

"Bolivia? What are you doing there?"

"I thought I wanted some time alone but… it just made everything worse. I was right before, Dean. I don't deserve to live when I've killed so many angels."

"Don't talk like that, Cas. Whatever you've done, whatever mistakes you've made, you're a good man." Dean found himself pacing the floor, cold panic rushing through him in waves.

"They were my brothers and sisters, Dean. They have been by my side for millennia and I just… destroyed them. How can I forgive myself for that?"

"It'll get better, Cas. I promise," Dean said, but the words sounded feeble against the anguish in Cas's usually level voice. "Don't do anything stupid."

"How would you feel if you completely lost control and when you finally resurfaced you realised you had killed Sam? Just walked up to him and snapped his neck like your entire life together meant nothing."

Dean's hands were trembling as he held the phone to his ear. "You're right, Cas," he said. "I can't imagine it. But I do know what it's like to hate myself for the mistakes I've made, to wish that I didn't have to keep carrying on, but it gets better Cas, you'll wake up one morning and realise that you can survive."

"I'm scared, Dean. I don't know what else to do." Cas's voice cracked as he spoke and Dean felt a lump rise in his throat, painful and sharp, and hot tears filled his eyes.

"Look, just come home. We can talk about all of this and you'll feel better. Come on."

"I can't. I'm so sorry Dean, I shouldn't have called… Goodbye."

"No, no, no, Cas don't you dare hang up. I don't care how you think you're feeling right now, you deserve to live. You matter. And I don't want to live in a world without you in it." Cas didn't reply, but Dean could still hear his unsteady breathing, so he kept talking, terrified that if he stopped, Cas would be gone.

"You have saved my life more times than I can count, Cas. I owe everything to you." Dean could feel his heart slamming against his chest as he continued desperately. "When you've been away for a few weeks and you walk back through the door it's like someone has lifted a weight off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. Everything is just better with you around, working a case, watching a movie… everything." Now that he had started, all the things he never thought he would say aloud were pouring out.

"You won't know this, but your eyes do this thing where they change colour with the sky. When it's the sun's out and the sky's clear your eyes are this… incredible bright blue, but at night it's like I can see the stars in there, they're dark and endless and it just… it takes my breath away sometimes." Cas still didn't speak but Dean thought his breathing wasn't so ragged anymore. "It sounds stupid," Dean said, shaking his head and sitting down on the edge of his bed.

"I don't think I can do this…" Cas said.

"If you can't hold on for yourself, please just hold on for me," Dean said, tears running down his cheeks. "I can't keep going without you. I know I pretend like I'm bulletproof but I can only act like that because I've got you. I couldn't face half the things that life throws at me if you weren't beside me. I would just fall to pieces because you are the glue and tape that's holding all the broken bits of me together… I…" but he trailed off, realisation stopping him in his tracks. "Oh God," he breathed, holding on to the back of his desk chair. "Cas, I'm in love with you."

"Dean…"

"Cas, I love you," he said again. "I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. And I know this isn't the time or the place, but please, come home to me. I can't lose you. Please Cas."

And then there was silence.

"Cas?" Dean said. "Cas? Cas!" Dean's door flew open and Sam ran in, his eyes wide.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"It's Cas," Dean said, choking back the tears. "I think he's gone and done something stupid. He said he couldn't forgive himself and I tried to talk him down but now he's gone and I don't know what's happened." Dean called Cas back but the line was dead.

"He wants to kill himself?" Sam asked incredulously, but before Dean could reply, Sam looked over Dean's shoulder, his expression switching from concern to surprise. Dean whipped around, and there was Cas standing by his bed, looking worse than Dean had ever seen him, but very much alive.

"Damn it, Cas, you scared the crap out of me," Dean said, letting out a long, shaking breath. Cas said nothing, he just stood motionless, his eyes on the floor. "What do you need me to do?" Dean asked.

Cas shook his head. "Nothing." Dean heard the door close softly behind him as Sam left them alone. Dean pulled Cas by the hand to sit down on the bed, half convinced he was going to blink and the angel would be gone again.

"Please talk to me Cas. Let me help."

"I can't," he said. "Not tonight." Cas looked utterly defeated, his eyes empty and sad. Dean didn't know what else to do, so he pulled Cas into a tight embrace, and he felt Cas's hands cling tightly to his shirt.

"We'll get through this," Dean said. "I promise." Seconds passed and Cas didn't let go, but Dean held on gladly, his heart still hammering and his blood still cold with fear.

"Did you mean it?" Cas asked, his voice muffled by Dean's shoulder.

"Mean what?" Dean asked, finally breaking the embrace to look at Cas.

"When you said you were in love with me."

"Look, that was terrible timing, you don't even have to think about that right now. Just forget I said it."

"Dean, did you mean it?" he repeated, meeting Dean's eyes for the first time, and watching him closely.

"Of course I did, Cas!" Dean exclaimed. "C'mon, I've loved you for years." Cas's expression softened, and Dean saw a little flicker of light return to his eyes. "I'm just sorry I almost had to lose you before I realised." Cas opened his mouth to speak, but then fell in to silence again as though the dark memories that were hounding him were threatening to swallow him up once more.

"Hey," Dean said, nudging Cas gently with his shoulder. "Are you going to be okay?" Cas looked up and met Dean's eyes and after a moment he seemed to become calm. He reached out and put his hand on Dean's.

"Yes. I think so," he said, a small smile reaching his lips at last. "After all, you've just given me a hell of a reason to live."