A/N: Warning: slight spoilers for Reservoir Dogs within. That movie came out over twenty years ago, so I figure it's safe, but it's polite to warn. Also, "West" is West Yellowstone. I've never heard it called "West Yellowstone" (it's always just been West) and the writing felt weird and stilted when I tried to work that into the narrative.

Chapter Two: Total Eclipse of the Heart

The gigantic evergreen tree is illuminated by the fireplace.

It is across the room from the hearth, but the fire burns eerily bright here and so the ornaments sparkle. The cupcakes have been made, frosted and covered in sugary glitter by Ty Lee, and now Azula is going through her one-hundred-twenty-one work e-mails as some low-budget Christmas special plays on the television.

Ilah sits near Katara, who is beside Zuko. There's Mai and Ozai across the room from them, his arm around her shoulders, which Ty Lee would think couldn't end well, but they've successfully not acknowledged each other. The rest of the family is elsewhere, and Bunny is asleep.

"It's fair trade cowboy coffee," says Ilah to Katara, and Katara cannot tell if she is mocking her or not. These people do seem to have a thing for shirking political correctness in favor of being rich jerks. "Well, cowboy coffee just refers to how it's made but ‒"

"There are grounds in my mouth!" Ty Lee screams, rubbing her hand on her tongue and shoving her mug onto the table. She has flawless timing.

Azula smirks. "It's cowboy coffee, sweetheart. Did you ever have any?"

"I didn't start drinking coffee until like… a few years ago!" Ty Lee protests with tears in her eyes.

"Why do we have no phone service here?" Azula demands as she futilely attempts to make a call to her idiot secretary.

"Because we're in the mountains in the middle of nowhere, love," Ilah says. Azula keeps her mouth shut for the sake of her inheritance alone. "Ty Lee, do you want hot chocolate instead? Zuko, go get her some nice hot chocolate from the kitchens."

"Thank you," Ty Lee croaks, managing to bat her eyelashes.

Zuko begrudgingly stands up and leaves the room, obeying for the sake of his inheritance alone. Katara gazes after him forlornly; she does not want to be left alone with these psychos but she has no choice.

"Azula used to never put her coffee down," Mai remarks, the memory striking her. "She just kept filling that cup over and over again. Oh, remember when she was addicted to Monster and threw a huge fit at Disneyworld?"

"I do remember that!" Ty Lee exclaims, laughing. "It's so sad because she started drinking them cuz we made her stop drinking coffee. I missed you guys."

Ty Lee sighs wistfully and sinks into the sofa, snuggling up against her still aggravated fiancée. She remembers the smell of this wood, remembers the summers of excitement, the autumn nights she, Azula and Mai snuck out of the school grounds, the winter vacations to Disneyworld or Hawaii and springtime in the Rockies.

"Yeah. It was…" Mai says, but she trails off. She didn't think Ty Lee would, after she ran away from her mess in LA and went to New York to go to an elite ballet school. Then again, she didn't think she would ever be on this sofa with her best friend's dad's arm around her shoulders.

"So, how old were you when you had Bunny?" Ozai asks, not caring how tactless it seems. He will ask about this child before his daughter gets the wild idea to adopt her.

"I was nineteen. She's six," Ty Lee says reflexively, still trying to get the taste and texture of coffee grounds out of her mouth.

"Who's her father?" Ozai asks and Ty Lee suddenly looks uncomfortable. And she never does. She is a shameless, optimistic social butterfly who never looks like that.

"Just this guy," Ty Lee says and Ozai cocks an eyebrow at her. "He wasn't so great. I ran into Azula right before the total breaking point. She gave me a job she made up because I wouldn't accept her help and we started dating and it was good."

Azula cannot believe her father thinks that is at all appropriate. Ty Lee's boyfriend was horrible. He got arrested for stealing money for drugs from a gym two months ago, but he should've been arrested earlier. Ty Lee had a level of troubling escaping him that is only matched by gulags. If it weren't for the fact that Azula has the power to call a few tattooed guys with baseball bats and knives to pay him a visit…

That didn't happen, though. Of course. Azula certainly would not do that, even to the most deserving. Hem-hem. She just hopes Ty Lee doesn't find out… about that thing that certainly didn't happen.

"The fireplace is too far away from me," Mai complains, but she does not budge. "I'm cold and it's gross in here and this room smells like pine air freshener."

"And the only thing you like is complaining," Katara chimes in.

Before another word can be said, Zuko returns sans hot chocolate.

"It's time for dinner," he says, as if he is announcing an execution.

This meal's outlook is bleak.

.

Ty Lee has had dramatic family dinners before. She grew up in a house full of girls and all of them were as emotional as she was. Those past dramatic family dinners are partially why she rarely came home during her school breaks; she wanted to be with Azula and Mai instead. However, this dinner with Azula and Mai seems much more foreboding than their teenage ones.

She sits down and tries to eat her food while listening to discussion of their family business. God is it boring, but Azula is doing great and Ty Lee thinks they might win the grand prize this Christmas. She is totally the most competent CEO ever in the history of forever.

"I'm tired of discussing work. Let's discuss your personal lives," Azulon declares regally and Ty Lee suddenly realizes that he is aware that they are all after the inheritance. And he wants to play with that fact like a cat toying with a flightless bird. "You have such interesting romantic partners. One child brought his daughter's high school best friend, one brought the woman who cheated on his brother with him, one brought an airhead beauty queen and the other brought a dirty hippie."

"Well…" begins Azula before quickly regretting it. She should have kept her mouth shut.

"So, Zuko, are you two at all serious? You seem much more interested in her than last year's model. Is there a word for your exotic tastes? Some sort of fever? Eskimo Fever?" Azulon sips his wine and awaits his answer.

Even Azula, who has quite sadistic tastes, wants to hide under the table. Her grandfather has been able to say whatever he pleases for the entirety of his life, thanks to Sozin Shinohai. And he is from a different time, but that might be a little… unnerving.

"No, grandfather," Zuko attempts as Katara gazes intently at her dinner knife. "That's not a term. And I dated Mai. And Ty Lee. And…"

Zuko grimaces. Those are not the wisest words he has ever uttered.

"Well, your father has some strange interest in that girl. I mean, I understand that cute little gold-digger Azula is with ‒ at least there's a word for lesbians and cheaters like Iroh ‒ but while she is beautiful, I think you'd be better off buying diamond necklaces than a waste of college tuition."

Azula thinks she might have just been complimented? She is fairly confused right now.

Mai jumps in without even squirming for a second. "He said he was always into those goth girls from movies. And liked the suicide girl type thing." Pause. "I've never actually been one of those. I think I have to clarify that."

"What is a suicide girl?" Azulon asks, leaning forward.

"It's a pornography thing. They're unruly looking women with tattoos who have naked pictures taken of them. Not unlike your granddaughter. Remember when she was in Maxim, everyone?"

Now that is a high quality awkward family silence.

"I had tried to forget," Azulon says coldly.

"He paid your college tuition? What's your degree even in?" asks Katara and Azulon is quite attentive. He has to admit that his offspring's absurd love lives are amusing, and making them uncomfortable as they vie for prime spots in his will is the best part of every single occasion.

"Werewolf hunting," Mai replies assertively.

"Mai," Ozai growls, but Azulon laughs.

"Ugh, fine. Criminal Justice and Corrections," she admits.

Ty Lee giggles and asks, "You… studied to be a cop? Weren't your parents…?"

"Criminals. Yes. That was kind of the point. I wanted to work for the FBI, of all things. But now I just lie by the pool and watch Quantico instead, which I prefer, honestly," Mai explains and Azula has never felt this level of envy. This is an all consumptive enviousness that makes her vision red.

How on Earth is that emotionless girl so good at charming grandfather?

This is going to be a long week.

It is a grey morning in the mountains and Bunny is eating a cupcake for breakfast. They have been blissfully uninterrupted, until Iroh materializes with the intent of feeding his materialism.

"Hi, Iroh!" Bunny says and Azula rolls her eyes.

"How would you like to come last minute shopping?" Iroh offers and Azula knows that her mom put him up to this; there's no way he would ask a girl who set him on fire once to go shopping with him.

And so Azula politely declines by making a bullshit excuse. "I'm very engaged in whether or not these… girl people will find their… rainbow stones."

"Rainbow crystals," Bunny corrects brightly.

"Right. That's what I said," Azula says, gazing up at her uncle with an amused smirk.

"You don't want to come last minute shopping?" Iroh asks again and Azula returns her gaze to the pointless anime show. Maybe not so pointless; she used to watch it when she was younger. "It will be very fun."

Azula looks up at him. She cannot believe that he thinks she will take him up on his offer.

But then Bunny says, "I wanna go shopping," with a look in her eyes she certainly got from her mother.

Azula swallows and rolls her eyes. She cannot believe this. "I will go last minute shopping with you, Uncle. But only because Bunny wants to and I refuse allow you to corrupt her."

Iroh beams and Azula seethes. She is certain that he has some dark ulterior motive, because that is the only reason why he would want to go on this shopping trip with her. He must be aware that they are the two most likely to win grandfather's favor this Christmas, just like she is.

When Azula finishes grooming herself and forcing Bunny to put on her winter clothes, she sees that it is not just her intolerable uncle who is forcing her on this trip. Ty Lee, Mai, father, mother. Not Zuko and Katara, which she would be grateful if it weren't for the fact that they now get extra time with Azulon and Ilah.

"You can't expect me to do this with all of them," Azula breathes, her eyes wide.

"Azula, it'll be so fun!" Ty Lee shouts up the stairs.

"Yeah, Azula, it'll be so fun," Mai repeats. She realizes how much she missed the miserable, bleak days of her high school existence. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

Azula should get an award for not murdering them all on the spot.

.

"So, where exactly are we going?" Azula demands from her uncomfortable spot, squished in the back of an SUV that ought to belong to a drug dealer and not a portly old man with bowl sized teacups. She can only smell fake cotton candy from Bunny's build-a-bear and she wishes she had taken off her jacket before getting in here.

"We're going to West," Iroh explains, seeing as the nearest shopping mall is two hours away.

He gets to drive. It makes Azula uneasy. She likes to have control. No, she needs to have control, and, instead, she's stuck like a little kid amongst her horrible family.

"There's huckleberry ice cream there!" Ty Lee declares and Bunny smiles too. It's very adorable. "Bunny, I mean. I'm talking to my daughter," she weakly attempts to cover.

"And Uncle will, of course, get into lengthy discussions about philosophy and tea parties with every single shop owner or waiter or anyone else he has known for the two thousand years he's been alive and too friendly."

"There is no such thing as too friendly. And I know these people. There is something magical about going somewhere where everyone knows your name and wants to strike up conversation."

"Ugh." Azula slumps in her seat. She hates to admit she does like West, but she doesn't like half of the people escorting her there.

Ty Lee holds her hand, like that will make it feel better.

Hand-holding does not help when Mai tells the story of the polygraph Azula cheated. Mother and Uncle pretend to be so amused by her using a fake name and answering even the prep questions in blatant lies without getting caught, which sickens her to the core.

It isn't as if they were around to hear about it at the time.

.

Azula splits up from her uncle the minute she gets out of the car. And after Ty Lee catches her when her legs wobble wildly. The entire small town of shops and tourist traps outside of Yellowstone National Park is knee deep in snow and reflects the bleak nature of an off-season tourism mecca.

Iroh and Ursa go directly towards the bookstore, which Azula believes is the best bookstore in the universe, but she thinks Ty Lee would prefer clothes. And Mai would probably prefer knives, so she and father join them.

The store smells like leather and sharp perfume, and looks like a set from a western film was turned into a high end boutique. Bunny grabs Ty Lee and drags her to the hats within two seconds of being inside, going right past the toys to the accessories, as usual.

Azula follows Mai to the hunting side of the shop and looks at the extremely boring knives. Mostly so no one will ask her any questions about how good they look or not. Mai doesn't ever ask questions, because she does not care.

Father strikes up conversation as Azula examines the weird, squishy foreign objects used for fishing.

"Are you thinking about marrying her?" Ozai asks and Azula looks up at him with her best 'Are you crazy?' expression. He sees right through it. "Are you already married to her?"

She sees no point in the charade. He'll know eventually. "We're engaged."

"I don't see a ring." He presumed that girl would ask for several. Not the… mood ring she has been wearing for the past two days.

"I didn't want to… shock anyone," Azula admits, shrugging and placing the pink rubber worm back into its display case.

"It isn't as if they've never met her."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Azula hisses and he laughs. "Everyone who meets her likes her, but she isn't the kind of girl I think anyone wants me to spend my life with."

Ozai looks up at the very sexy girl and her cute daughter. "So that will be my grandchild eventually?"

"Yes. Don't criticize me."

"I'm not planning on it." He turns to the little girl trying on multiple cowgirl hats and offers, "How would you like some cash to buy things of your own?"

Bunny looks at the twenty in his hand and replies, "I only take Benjis."

Turning from the case and cashier, "Can we keep her?" Mai requests loudly as Ty Lee clamps her hand over her own mouth in terror. Mai looks down at Bunny and holds up her purse. "I'll give you two of those if you let me record you saying that."

Bunny nods furiously. Ty Lee slinks away as Mai pulls out her phone.

.

Same store. Almost an hour longer. Azula's feet hurt. This is possibly more exerting than a hike through the park would be.

"So, for Christmas, do you want a cowboy hat," Azula begins, holding up one of the hide hats, and then she holds up a second, "or two cowboy hats?" Pause. "They don't really have many options here."

"None. They look bad on my hair," Ty Lee says as she looks around the shop. It looks pretty grim in winter. "Ooo, those moccasins are cute, though… Remember when we used to buy those every summer because they were appropriate for our school uniform, and we looked so awesome?"

Azula shrugs. "I liked the hair ribbons better. That was a trend worth starting."

"Bunny can get little cowgirl boots, aww." Ty Lee holds the little pink ones up.

Cocking an eyebrow, Azula remarks, "I believe she is more interested in the knives."

"Mai!" Ty Lee screeches as she spins around. "Mai, do not buy my daughter that knife!"

"It's child sized. And I already did. I'm going to teach her how to use it safely tonight." Mai hands the bag to Bunny before anyone can stop her.

"The plastic ninja swords." Azula gasps and Ty Lee has never seen Azula look like that before. It's a Christmas miracle to see her so excited. "Do you remember when my grandfather bought the three of us plastic ninja swords?"

"We were entertained for a whole summer," Ty Lee recalls fondly. "You can buy kids all the expensive toys in the world, but they'll never have as much fun as they do with dollar store fake weapons."

"I think my grandfather might still have them in the house. We still have my Barbies from when I was a little girl," Azula says, picking at her lower lip in thought.

"We should look for them tomorrow," Ty Lee says and Azula nods.

It should be interesting, to say the least.

.

"Huckleberry ice cream is gross," Bunny declares immediately after Ty Lee forces the spoon into her mouth. She spits it out right onto the laminated diner-style table.

"You didn't even taste that," Ty Lee snaps and Bunny glares at her.

"Vanilla only," Bunny demands, crossing her arms.

Ty Lee looks up and catches the middle of Mai and Azula's debate over hazy high school memories.

"… You never raced cars. Because you are boring," Mai says through her milkshake straw. Yes, she does miss the miserable, bleak days of her high school existence. "My high school summers might as well have been Death Proof." Pause. "I wish they were. My life would be so much better if it were a Tarantino movie."

"You're basically a real life Mia Wallace! If only you dressed better and wore better make-up," Ty Lee says warmly. She genuinely thinks it's a compliment, which is kind of endearing.

"I am a real life Mia Wallace," Mai insists, glancing over her shoulder at the non-kiddie table. They look like they are having a horrible time with each other, which is decent consolation.

"Then who am I?" Azula demands bitterly.

"Did you think you were Mia Wallace?" Ty Lee whispers, a devastated expression crossing her face. "I am so sorry." Then she grins. "You're the Bride from Kill Bill, stupid."

"Beatrix Kiddo," Azula corrects and Ty Lee rolls her eyes. "I would've also accepted O-Ren Ishii."

"That would be so racist if I said that," Ty Lee whispers and Mai comes very close to laughing. "Isn't your family actually in the Yakuza or something?"

"Probably." Azula shrugs. "There really aren't any syndicates in Montana, however, so I imagine it would have to be in my grandfather's Wall Street days."

Changing the subject, "Okay, who's Ty Lee?" Mai asks, leaning forward. She kind of enjoys this.

"Obviously Alabama from True Romance. That doesn't even require any thought," Azula says and Ty Lee glares into her milkshake.

Of course she's the upbeat hooker and they get to be Uma Thurman. It really does feel like her childhood summers with them. Except freezing cold and with a toddler rubbing ice cream on her cashmere sweater.

"I hate that you're right," Ty Lee mutters. "At least she's pretty."

"Who're your other family members?" Mai asks, now truly thinking about this. "I'd say your father is Bill from Kill Bill."

"No, if you're Mia Wallace, he's Marsellus Wallace," Azula protests.

"Fine, whatever, but Bunny is Bill's kid whatsername. The little assassin baby."

"Yay!" Bunny declares, pulling her sticky hand away from her mom's sweater for the first time this afternoon. "I wanna be an assassin when I grow up!"

Some cowboys turn their heads to stare.

Ty Lee declares, "No, you're named after the lady they call Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction."

"Wait, what?" Mai asks. She squints. "I repeat: when you name a child, you name them for their whole life, Ty Lee. Also, she's kind of Azula's kid at this point too."

"Ugh," Ty Lee grumbles. "Your grandfather feels more like Bill to me. I can see him running a team of assassins," she and Azula shrugs.

"Fair enough." She pokes at her root beer float.

Mai announces, after brief but in depth contemplation, "Your grandmother is O-Ren Ishii, okay? She works better as her than you."

Azula offers a nod of respect. "I will accept that. She has a sword collection."

Mai then rubs her temples. "Your uncle is way harder."

"I'm torn between the sword-making guy in Kill Bill or Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction," is Ty Lee's hopeful addition to the conversation that has sped away from her like those racing cars Mai was bickering about.

"Hattori Hanzo and Jules," Azula corrects smugly and Ty Lee rolls her eyes. They are beginning to hurt from doing that so often. "Get the names right. I'm going with Hattori Hanzo because his nonsensical proverbs are more nonsensical. Also, he makes swords."

"Hattori Hanzo or Iroh?" Ty Lee asks.

"Both," Azula replies with a smirk.

"Aaand Zuko?" Ty Lee asks after her last bite of ice cream.

Azula scoffs. "Clearly Tim Roth in anything. I'd go with Reservoir Dogs because of course he'd be a cop. And get shot. Both of those."

"I agree," Mai says, nodding once. "Now, your mother."

And Azula replies instantaneously, "Hitler from Inglorious Basterds."

.

They flee West with a snow storm chasing them down the rocky highway. It has already descended upon the grim midafternoon, the snow falling from an angry sky, threatening to lock the dysfunctional family within an evergreen scented house. They have dwindling firewood and not nearly enough shovels for what Ty Lee is seeing.

Needless to say, blizzards are not pleasant here, and this one is bad. Ty Lee thinks this could be the subject of a very low-budget disaster movie. She sits in front of the fireplace with her palms as close to the flames as she can get them.

"This could not have come at a worse time," Azula says as she approaches from behind. She wraps the fur blanket she is wearing like a supervillain cape more tightly around herself. "We're going to be trapped here for days. In here. With my family."

"We were already on vacation here in the middle of nowhere," Ty Lee remarks and Azula wishes she could be that naïve.

"We will want to escape. And bad weather makes people do bad things. You must know that," Azula says under her breath and Ty Lee smiles at her.

"Fun bad things?" Ty Lee bats her eyelashes. Azula is not swayed in the slightest.

"Do you define murdering my entire family as fun."

Ty Lee smiles wider and shakes her head. She kisses Azula on the lips and leans towards her. Their hearts leap and a warmth flushes through their cold bodies…

Until, "Momma, I'm sick!" and the sound of vomiting.

Ty Lee recoils and turns to see what awaits her.

.

After dealing with a feverish child and a challenging fiancée, Ty Lee rummages through the guest wing linen closet. While she does not find the answer to why she has chosen to marry into a family of lunatics or any decent cold medicine for Bunny, she finds an old record player. Which is twice as good as those things.

It is buried beneath mounds of unused fur blankets and stained towels. She has been freezing thanks to the blizzard that is still raging outside, and so she decided to make Azula's bed warmer. Ty Lee rises and runs down the hall, her heart pounding with excitement.

"Do you have records?" Ty Lee shouts as she throws the fur blankets at her fiancée and dashes back to the hallway to get the wooden box.

Azula is still in shock about the fur blanket assault when she sees why Ty Lee was asking her about that. "Probably in my closet," Azula suggests.

Ty Lee grins. She cannot believe Azula is being a good sport about something for once. And so, she eagerly makes the bed while Azula climbs atop blue boxes of childhood knick-knacks and grabs an entire shelf of old records. She has Eurythmics, The Police and the Culture Club on top, too much David Bowie, and then ceaseless ones from the 1960's.

"Take your pick." Azula tosses them onto the bed. They bounce twice before Ty Lee snatches them up.

"You're even being not-super-selfish tonight," Ty Lee says, smiling as she thumbs through the decaying cardboard. "This was your secret favorite song."

Azula blanches.

"No. That's ridiculous. That's my brother's record," she hastily insists.

Ty Lee laughs. "Should I call him over here to verify that?"

"He'd just lie anyway. You can trust me." Azula gives Ty Lee her cutest expression to no avail.

"Didn't you pass a polygraph once after telling them your name was Susan and just saying 'yes' to every single question, no matter how wild it was?"

"No, that's ridiculous. Polygraphs are completely foolproof. My real name is Susan and I absolutely deliberately lied to all of those questions. If you hooked me up to one, I would absolutely not tell you that – stop putting that on there – I will pour this on the electrical outlet!"

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Everybody loves this song." Ty Lee is still grinning wickedly as she first turns it on and hears an uncomfortable squealing. She quickly changes the speed. "I always said it should be our song."

"That's ridiculous. This is horrible and the lyrics are stupid." She listens to a few seconds before the panic grips her. Ty Lee is giving her a very scary look. No, no, no why does she have that hairbrush? "You can't hear tears. How ridiculous is this, right?"

"Every now and then I fall apart –"

"And you can't sing! At all." Azula is flustered. Ty Lee cannot believe her luck.

"Once upon a time there was light in my life –"

"Stop. Ugh." Azula lies down, defeated. Worst. Day. Ever.

"There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the –"

The door opens. Mai does not even have the decency to knock. "It's Azula's favorite song," she says, her voice muffled slightly by the toothbrush in her mouth. "Azula, why aren't you singing?"

Ty Lee drowns Azula's answer out with, "Every now and then I fall –"

"Shush," Mai orders and Ty Lee closes her mouth. "I remember when you left her for Zuko." Mai adjusts the toothbrush in her mouth. God, it tastes bad, but this is too good to miss. "She just would lie in her room playing this song over and over and over again. It was really sad."

Ty Lee reaches to stop the record but changes her mind. Her cheeks are tinted pink and the corners her lips tilted downwards.

Azula sighs, because she wishes Mai would not have mentioned that. And so she does what must be done and offers, "We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight…" She doesn't have to finish, because she is being hugged by a woman in her mid-twenties who smells like cotton candy and sings into a hairbrush.

"That was the most romantic thing I've ever seen," Mai says, grabbing Azula's water and swishing it around in her mouth before spitting back into the cup.

"What are you doing?" interrupts Bunny from the hallway.

"Have fun, you crazy kids." Mai leaves as quickly as she came.

Ty Lee goes to take care of her sick little baby while the song fades out and the record slowly freezes.

.

Azula is attempting to sleep. There is no work to micromanage from her phone and even the weather channel is broken. She has never been so bored.

"I might have changed my mind about sleeping with you here," Ty Lee says as she finally gets Bunny to sleep and herself undressed and redressed. She slips into bed beside Azula. "Thank you for singing two lines of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' for me."

"I wanted to spite Mai. It had nothing to do with you," Azula says, sighing and sitting down.

"You're so cute when you're lying, Susan." Ty Lee kisses her neck.