He didn't win...
"He's still broken, you know that you ruined him, and he's just been put back together like a little porcelain doll. All he needs is something to drop him again. He just needs to fall one more time."
"I want you to help me, but I don't know how. I want you to hold me. I want to hold you. I want to cry, but I don't think I can. I can't touch you, I'll destroy you too. I just want you to still love me."
There was a soft, almost inaudible click as the door fell shut behind Harley. The house was unnaturally dark, darker than it had ever been. Harley couldn't bring herself to look up. Wally and Clark ran towards Dick, yipping happily and leaping up at his hands hanging limply at his sides. He didn't pet them. He wouldn't kneel for them. Harley looked away from his figure, bathed in shadow, and wiped her eyes. More tears fell in their place. Dick stared at the floor as she moved to hang her coat up.
The little house was suffocating, closing in in the dark and the silence and despair. He couldn't breathe. He didn't want to. Harley slipped her hand in his, and he still didn't move.
"Dick…" she whispered, but her voice cracked. He looked at her. She stared back, touched his cheek gently; Dick looked away. He couldn't face her. His chest still hurt. The tears wouldn't come, dammed up in his throat, making it throb with the unsung sorrow. His hand was limp, surrendered loosely in hers at his side. "I'm going to fix something to eat," she choked, not even trying to hide her crying. Dick watched her step into the kitchen and lean against the counter, her hands and shoulders shaking as she cried harder. Dick wanted to comfort her, wanted more than anything to make the hurt go away, just a little bit, but he didn't know how. He didn't even know where to begin.
Harley shuddered and let out a sob, dropping a pot into the sink and turning on the tap to fill it. She hugged herself around the waist and immediately burst into tears, feeling the emptiness in her stomach and in her heart. He'd done it. He'd finally done it. The Joker had finally hurt her so completely that she felt like she'd never recover.
Harley turned the water off as a tremendous crash sounded somewhere in the house. She cried out, fearing the worst; that the Joker had come back to finish the job like he'd promised. Harley raced up the stairs with her hand on her belly out of habit.
Dick screamed angrily again, throwing the crib across the room. Harley froze in the doorway, stunned at the chaos before her. She flinched at another loud crash.
He swept the baby books off of the bookshelf in a fury, toppling it on the floor, knocking over the rocking chair. The pink baby blanket that Harley had knitted fell with it, and he caught it in his hand, crying out in rage as he raised his arm to throw it down, but stopped. He stared at it for a moment before bursting into violent sobs, holding the soft blanket to his face as he dropped to his knees in the center of the ruined nursery. He felt Harley's hand on his hair. She didn't say anything, she just knelt beside him, crying too. She rested her head on his shoulder, her forehead touching his neck as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.
"Don't touch me," he said through his tears, but he sounded more terrified than angry. Don't let me go. Don't ever leave me… He didn't move away from her, just stared at the blanket in his hands, his body racked with sobs. Harley sniffled, holding tighter to him.
"Please don't push me away," she asked quietly. She squeezed her eyes shut, still trembling slightly.
"I don't want to hurt you," he breathed, leaning his head against hers as he gasped for breath, fighting his grief for a moment before bursting into tears again. "Please, please don't hate me. I couldn't go on living if you hated me," Dick gasped, bawling like a child, so hard that he could scarcely breathe. "I- just was- too late- It's all my fault- and now she's- your baby, she's-" he coughed, pinching his eyes closed. His fists clenched around the soft pink baby blanket, bunching it up in his hands. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry- I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I'm sorry for Barbara, and I'm sorry that I said those- horrible things-" he choked out, still sobbing as he gained momentum, babbling on as he cried. "I said such terrible things, and I'm sorry that I said we were a mistake- I made mistakes last night, but you aren't one of them- And I left. God I left you here alone when I knew that it was stupid and rash and I should stay. I should've stayed. And I didn't save you, and I hurt you so much, and I was too late, and I killed your daughter." Dick finally stopped to take a deep breath, the last words he said sinking in. He looked down at the baby blanket. "I killed your daughter," he breathed, closing his eyes.
"Hey." Harley grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. "You did save me." She wiped one of his tears away with her thumb. "Thank you. He was… If you hadn't shown up, I wouldn't be sitting here, talking to you. You did save me. I-" she sniffed, blinking her eyes, "I thought he was going to kill me. I thought the last thing I was going to say to you were all of those terrible things. I thought," she looked down, "you weren't going to come find me because you hated me, and I thought I was never going to see Haly." She looked back up at him, tears streaming down her face. "And I know she's- that… But you did try, Dick. You tried to save her. Losing our daughter isn't your fault. I love you, and I don't blame you for anything."
"Trying doesn't matter if I always fail," he shouted, bursting into sobs again and burying his face in the blanket.
"You didn't fail," Harley whispered. "I'm still here."
"I'm sorry," he gasped, his throat burning with the effort of holding back his tears. He swallowed hard, wiping his eyes. "I didn't mean to…" Dick choked, staring at the wall as he tried to get ahold of himself. She doesn't want to have to cater to you. She lost her daughter. She doesn't want to have to pull you together, too. Pick up the pieces yourself. He took a shaky breath, looking down at his hands, tears welling in his eyes again against his will.
"Dick," Harley said sharply; she took a deep breath. "He was going to kill me and take our baby. The Joker was going to…" She closed her eyes, trying to hold in the tears as her throat constricted. Don't tell him why. He'll think it's his fault. "If he'd… Even if she's- she's… it's better than…" Harley cleared her throat, unable to talk.
"I should have killed the son of a bitch," Dick closed his eyes tight. "And I don't care if I would have 'lost myself' or regretted it later- I should have."
Harley shook her head. "All that time I spent with him, I should have known better than to let him live. Instead of those months planning against him, I should have just-" She looked down. "It's because I left him Haly's gone. Its all my fault."
"Don't say that," Dick said, a hurt, almost dangerous edge to his voice.
"It is," she insisted. "If I hadn't turned myself in to Arkham when he thought he'd killed me, or if we'd kept our relationship a secret, or if I hadn't stopped him at the Hall of Justice, or told him I didn't love him-"
"-everything you just said happened for a reason. You told me! Everything we did, we had to do. What happened tonight, maybe…" he looked down. He was silent for a time, before he finally sighed again. "You should- we should eat something," he said quietly, getting unsteadily to his feet. He helped her up. Harley looked down at his hands helping her.
"I wish it was me instead of her," she admitted.
Dick felt his blood run cold, and his hand tightened around hers. Haly… Don't you ever say that again. His jaw was tight, his eyes lightless as he turned away from her towards the door. "I'll make us some food." This discussion is over. "I think there are cans of soup in the cabinet…" Don't you ever… He could scarcely breathe. What would he have done? If she was gone, and Haly was here? He was almost… glad that he didn't have to think about it. Glad that he didn't have to make that decision. The guilt burned in his cheeks, and he started down the stairs, terrified that she'd see. Harley glanced around the destroyed nursery once he was gone.
She didn't even get a chance. Harley closed her eyes. She couldn't even picture what her baby looked like; she'd never seen her. She had her whole life ahead, and I've already ruined mine. She crossed her arms over her chest as she numbly walked from the room. She froze outside the master bedroom door, her breath catching in her throat.
With a trembling hand, she pushed the door open. She immediately closed her eyes and turned away. Turned away from the blood, and the darkness, and the familiarity. Harley shuffled toward the stairs. Clark and Wally were slinking up, their tails between their legs. Harley squatted in front of them.
"Hey guys," she breathed. She stroked their heads as they nuzzled her arms and knees, whimpering. She held them tight, sobbing. She hiccuped her tears to a stop, and let them go; Wally licked her face. She could hear Dick in the kitchen and hesitantly went down the stairs. He moved around the kitchen quietly, going through the movements. He dropped the pot of soup on the stove and it sizzled as he leaned against the counter and stared out the window.
"I don't even know what to do," he whispered.
"About what?" Harley asked, crossing her arms as she stayed in the doorway.
"Can we just… is it even possible to just… I don't know what to do. Just go to bed? I mean…" he looked at his watch and rubbed his eyes. He hadn't realized that it was already getting so late in the day. "What do we do?"
"I don't know," Harley rubbed her thumb along her arm, "I guess, yeah."
"I guess," he repeated, crossing his arms and staring at the wall. He had to admit, some sleep would feel good. He spooned some soup into two bowls, handing one to Harley. Before she carried it to the table he caught her with a hand on her cheek. He looked at her lovingly for a minute, still pained, but for a brief moment there was emotion in his eyes. Dick sighed a little and walked to the table.
"Are you ever going to be able to look at me again?" Harley asked, staring at the soup in her hands. "It's like you can't even stand the sight of me."
"Harley, don't…" Dick put his elbows on the table and covered his face, sighing in exasperation.
"Don't what?" She put her bowl on the table. "It's like you're repulsed by the sight of me. I had to beg you to even look at me," she reminded him. She pulled some of her hair over her shoulder, playing with the end of it.
"I'm not… That's not…" He ran his hands through his hair. Harley stared at him for a moment.
"Okay." She sunk down into a chair, staring at her soup again. "Okay." Her hands hung at her sides, and she didn't even try to pick up her spoon.
Dick was quiet for a while, before he looked at her. "I love you. I can't look at you… I can't…" he looked down in frustration. "Martinez. The only nurse that… that took pity on me. No one would even talk to me. The nurse…" he trailed off again. "She looked like you." Harley froze. "I didn't see her, but she… she told me that she looked like you. Black hair, blue eyes. But she looked like you." Dick looked down. "I'm sorry, Harley. I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to think… to not blame myself. I'm trying to keep myself together because you…" I can't imagine what you're going through. She was a part of you. "I love you." Dick stood and walked around the table, wrapping his arms around her. She felt the weight of his head resting on hers. He sniffed a bit, tears welling in his eyes. "Come on."
He quietly pulled her chair out, neither of them felt like eating anyway, and he picked her up. His throat choked up at how much lighter she was. He held her like a child, her legs tucked around his waist. One arm wrapped around her back and the other held her up, her thin arms around his neck as she buried her face in his shoulder. He carried her quietly upstairs to the guest bedroom; theirs still had blood on the floors, and he was too exhausted to clean it up, and he wasn't about to have her- or him- have a panic attack. Ivy had taken everything of hers the night before, telling them she was planning on leaving again as soon as the wedding was over. She was probably still with Jason now, but the room still smelled faintly of trees. Dick helped her gently under the blankets and tucked himself beside her, pulling her close to him and holding her tight. He didn't want to let her go. He just wanted to forget about everything for a few hours, maybe more; he wanted to fade into the darkness of sleep and pray for no more nightmares, waking or unconscious.
But of course, Dick knew they'd come. The curtains were drawn shut against the cloudy day outside. He lay quietly in the dark. The house was silent. Every creak from the wind outside sounded like a footstep; every car hissing by on the snow covered road sounded like a door opening. The Joker was still out there. Dick wanted to sleep, his eyelids drooping heavily, and he knew that Harley would only get more upset if he didn't. How could he, though?
Dick breathed slowly in the dark, his chest rising and falling at the same steady pace. Harley was pressed as close to him as she could get, his arm wrapped protectively around her; he felt wary. Guarding. Not against her, against the outside world. He was no longer quick to love, quick to trust. She could tell he was still holding back, still terrified to death but hiding his emotions well. He didn't say a word, didn't move; just stared vacantly at the ceiling.
He didn't win…