Rachel's arms and hands were sore and tired but she couldn't seem to stop herself. She was so frustrated and it just felt good to have an outlet. She had never felt this way before in her life and it was beginning to scare her. Everything was falling apart and all she could do to try and hold it together was punch this stupid bag.
She was just so angry. She didn't even know why, just everything and nothing, all the things that had happened and all the things they still had to do, everyone she knew and everyone she didn't, she just wanted to scream and kick and punch.
This wasn't who she was. When had she become this person? How could she get back to the person she was before? Was that even possible? Was being this new person the only way she would be able to survive this world they now found themselves in, a world where a person could attempt to murder a woman and steal her child to make someone do what they wanted?
The thought of Quinn made her blood boil and she began throwing more violent and erratic punches, every impact sending a jolt of pain up her arms and giving her something else to focus on than how blind they had all been. How could Santana not have known what was going on? Why hadn't Quinn confided in her? How had it all gotten so out of control?
Of course, deep down she knew why. Quinn was so proud and so sure, she would never have been able to admit that she was being controlled. And she would never, ever have risked Beth's life. If she had confided in Santana she would have gone after Sue like a shot, and the only likely outcome of that scenario would have been Santana, Quinn and most likely Beth being killed.
Santana. Rachel's punches began to slow at the thought of her. She wondered if she knew yet. When Shelby had told her last night she had left the room immediately with the intention to find Santana and tell her what had happened. She knew it would most likely break her but she needed to know, Rachel had just hoped that she would be able to help her through. But then she had walked into that mess in the dining hall and Jesse had launched into his pig headed, outdated character assassination, and the rage she had been struggling to contain just came pouring out. After she had got Santana into bed she had sat there all night just thinking about everything and her anger had steadily grown, every drunken snore from her passed out girlfriend adding fuel to her fire, and she couldn't stop it. She knew how much Santana was hurting, she understood her need to drown her sorrows, but she was hurting too and she needed her to be there, to be present in their relationship. She needed them to be equals and to help each other through, yet Santana was acting like she was the only one that had suffered and that she had to remain stoic and strong and protect her little girlfriend from all the evil of the world.
Rachel slammed her fist into the bag with a roar and then turned away, sweat dripping down her face. She stood with her hands on her hips and fought to get her breathing under control. She was lost. She knew she was. She needed to find her way back to herself again, and her way back to Santana, before it was too late. She just didn't know how.
She took a step towards the door and started in surprise when she noticed Santana sitting against the wall, her arms hugging her knees into her chest.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, her tone harsher than she had intended.
"I came to find you." Her girlfriend answered in a small voice. "I didn't want to interrupt so I thought I would wait for you to finish."
Rachel took a breath and started towards her. Her eyes were red, her face blotchy and she looked smaller than Rachel had ever seen her. Her heart clenched uncomfortably and she just wanted to grab her, hold her tight and tell her everything would be okay, but something in her just wouldn't let go.
"How long have you been here?"
"A while." She shrugged. "I was going to come over but...well, I was kind of worried you might…"
Rachel looked down at her, eyebrow arched in question.
"Well, hit me." Santana muttered, sounding slightly embarrassed.
Rachel felt something shift in her at the words. It was like something was starting to thaw out, her emotions melting down through her brain and she felt a laugh rise up in her chest, forcing it's way up her throat and out of her mouth. She heard it echo about the room as if it were coming from someone else and she felt just as startled as Santana looked as their eyes met. Her laughter increased at that, bordering on hysteria, and the force of it caused her whole body to shake. She dropped down to her knees in front of her stricken girlfriend and grabbed her hands, pulling her into a hug and holding on for dear life as she struggled to regain control of herself.
"I could never hit you, Santana," She said, kissing her gently as her laughter finally subsided. "Not if my life depended on it."
"Well, God knows I deserve it today." She replied softly, tears running down her face. "I'm so sorry, Rachel. I love you so much and I've been so… I just got so…"
"Ssh," Rachel kissed her again. "It's okay. We'll be okay."
Santana nodded and pulled her in, kissing her deeply, her hands buried in her hair. She felt the anger start to finally release it's grip on her and she sank into the kiss, wanting the world just to disappear and let them have this moment.
"I have been so selfish, Rach, I'm so sorry." Santana whispered, resting her forehead against hers. "I should have talked to you about everything, like you asked, long before now, before I let it get so far out of control. I...I need to tell you what happened to me. All of it."
Rachel lay in the dark, her arms wrapped around a soundly sleeping Santana. Her mind was reeling with the tale she had told, everything that had happened to her since the Cheerios had taken over Lima. She honestly didn't know how she had managed to come through it all intact, with her sense of self still so strong. The things she had been through…
The worst part of it was that Rachel could tell she was reliving every decision she had made with the fresh knowledge that her best friend was being controlled and she hadn't known. From the timeline they had been given, it seemed that Quinn had attempted to get out at the same time Santana had started to feel things were spiralling out of control, yet both of them were playing their roles so well that neither of them realised the other was feeling the same way. It was heartbreaking to hear the blame she was placing on herself, and to know there was absolutely nothing Rachel could say would assuage that guilt.
Rachel hugged her tightly and kissed her head. Sue Sylvester would pay for this. She would make her pay. If it was the last thing she did she would make her pay.
Santana shifted in her arms and opened her eyes.
"Hey." She smiled sadly and leaned up for a kiss. "How long was I out?"
"Not long." Rachel smiled back. "Go back to sleep."
"I can't." Santana yawned, stretching as she sat up. "We need to go and see Shelby. We don't have much time left."
"We have enough time, baby." Rachel pulled her back down and into a kiss. "Just stay here for a while longer."
Santana sighed and snuggled back into Rachel's body. "I just need to be prepared. My head hasn't been in the game like it should have been. I've let you all down and I…"
"Santana," Rachel silenced her by placing her finger on her lips. "Please stop. Yes, you have made some mistakes, we all have. But we are in this together, all of us. And we have all been so lost these past few months that we have let each other down and nearly driven ourselves apart. So, we are going to take some time and regroup, the two of us first, give Puck and Cara the chance to do the same. We need to work together, the four of us, and come up with a plan that we agree on. Then we can go to Shelby, and Jesse, and all the rest of them, and tell them how they can help us. Okay?"
Santana looked up at her with wide eyes and then broke into a smile. "God, you're hot when you're bossy."
"Only when I'm bossy?" She frowned down at her.
"Especially when you're bossy." Santana whispered, pushing her legs in between Rachel's and sliding her hand up her stomach as she kissed her. Rachel ran her hands through her hair and sighed contentedly. "And when you're beating the shit out of a punchbag."
"Even though you thought I was picturing your face?" Rachel smirked.
"Hmm," She rested her head on her shoulder. "That was less sexy. But I wish I could remember you punching Jesse out."
Rachel groaned and covered her eyes. "God, don't remind me. How am I going to fix that?"
"Well," Santana drawled, kissing along her jaw, sliding her hand under Rachel's top and circling her nipple gently. "Maybe you shouldn't."
Rachel drew in a sharp breath, fire pooling in her stomach. "Baby…"
"Hmm?" She murmured against her throat, her thigh flexing.
Rachel sighed again and slid her thumb along her girlfriend's cheekbone, pulling her face up towards her own. She let the fire burn through her, all thoughts of Jesse forgotten.
When Rachel woke up she was alone in the bed. She rubbed her eyes and climbed out, reaching blindly for her discarded clothes on the floor. Slowly she made her way out into the corridor and on towards the dining hall. The chatter died away as she entered, the various people seated there turning to look at her with expressions ranging from curious to downright hostile. She spotted Jesse in the centre of the room, his eyes heavily bruised and a large white plaster over his nose. She nodded at him gently, grateful when he nodded back, and continued through the room to the corridor that held Shelby's office.
She knocked and waited for a response before entering. Shelby was alone in the room, sitting behind her desk and rubbing some sort of lotion into her mangled arm.
"Rachel. Hi." She smiled easily and motioned to a chair. "How are you?"
Rachel nodded and sat down. "I was actually looking for Santana. Has she been in?"
"Not since last night." She recapped the bottle and folded her hands in her lap. "Did you talk to Jesse?"
"No." She replied, dropping her eyes in embarrassment. "I...I don't know what to say to him."
Shelby laughed. "You don't need to worry, Jesse knows he did wrong. Jealousy makes us do and say stupid things."
"Jealousy?" Rachel echoed, brows furrowed in confusion.
"Of course." She smiled again. "He still has feelings for you, Rachel. Finding out you were with Santana, well...let's just say he wasn't expecting that."
"And you?"
Shelby waved her hands in a dismissive way and leaned back in her chair. "I had my suspicions but it's not really any of my business now, is it? And it's none of Jesse's either, certainly not to throw in your face during a jealous tantrum. We are on the brink of something here, something important and extremely dangerous, and we can't have these petty disagreements getting in the way. Just make it right. Talk to him. Clear the air."
Rachel nodded and stood up to leave.
"You need us, Rachel, and we need you." Shelby came out from behind the desk and walked over to her. "There's something else going on here, I can feel it. I just don't know what it is yet. But you better believe that we all need to be working together or we won't survive it."
"We're with you, Shelby." Rachel said, quietly. "And we'll make her pay for what she's done to us. All of us."
Shelby nodded, an uncertain look on her face, and pulled Rachel into a hug.