A/N : Sorry for making you wait too long. I am super, duper busy!

-Peeta's POV-

Haymitch's words are inside my mind for so long. I really don't know what else he told me since that day.
He comes to my house every day now. He only tells me bad news.

"I am sorry boy. She didn't eat today either."

"Today I heard her crying again."

"You have to go find her kid. She won't get any better until she sees you!"

She isn't getting any better but every day, every single day, I tell to myself: She will be alright. Today is the day she will get better!

And every day… I am wrong.

His words are creeping on me for the next month. I was calling myself coward. I was called coward by the others too. For three whole months.
But I don't care. I know I am.
I was dreading that she might be dead until I go. I was scared, afraid, terrified.
But these are words. And words cannot really describe how I was feeling.

How I am feeling right now

I cried myself to sleep so many times the past month.
Haymitch was telling I was showing the same symptoms as her. I was refusing to eat. To sleep. To talk.
I was just listening. Listening waiting for something to light up my hopes.
But nothing good ever came into my ears.
Only bad things to make me feel even worst.

Memories of her hunting my dreams and thoughts.

I would imagine her laughing, smiling being alive. Happy. Like we used to be before my mutt version make its appearance again. And then her laughter dying in her throat and her body changing. Turning into bones and then disappearing into ash. Flying away from me. Forever.

I was waking up screaming her name on the top of my lungs. The worst? This time not even the thought of her being safe away from me could comfort me.

I need to see her. I need to apologize. I need her.

-Katniss POV-

Sae never gave up on me. For three whole months she was here, begging me to eat, talk and clean up myself but every little movement bring a big wave of pain through my whole body and at the end I give up at the attempts to live. I owe her and Haymitch so much for staying with me when everyone gave up.

When he gave up.

I can't blame Delly or anyone else for not coming to visit me. Actually, I think Haymitch and Sae telling me that they heard some people around the district talking about my absence.

I bury myself more into the blankets at the thought that people actually realized that something is wrong. I don't need people to think of me. I don't need someone to care about me anymore.

My mom called to see how I was doing.
I didn't tell her anything.
Nor about me and Peeta breaking up. Nor about my… state.
I would put Haymitch tell her I was completely fine. That I was… happy.
He refused to do it a couple of times. He said my mom has to know. That he can't lie anymore about something so important.

But I lied to him that I'd get better after that. I lied.
I have mastered lying anymore.

The only people I'd say a few words are to Haymitch.
Because like when Peeta was captured by the Capitol.

He is the only one that loves Peeta too.

Today no one is with me. I am all alone with my thought and Buttercup who keeps walking around the house searching for someone to give him attention. Haymitch or is in his house passed out of the alcohol or he went to get some more medicine for depression for me.
Sae or is at her home with her grand-daughter or she went to the "new hob" where she still sells soups.
Peeta? Well, I have no idea. Maybe he is out at the bakery. Maybe he is with Delly. Or Maybe he is with another girl. Giving her the same promises as me.

I force my feet down the bed and stand up weakly. My body feels extremely heavy and my feet buckle. My hands search for the walls as everything goes blur for a few seconds. I shake my head to clear my vision and my thought. I start walking out of my room but when my hands grab the door knob I feel my stomach tied in knots. This is the first time I would walk further than my room and the bathroom that is joined to it.
I walk down the corridor and my hand still on the wall along, to keep my balance.

Still dizzy, I find myself smelling the clean air from the roof. I hold my robe around my body tighter with the little strength that is being left in me.
It's the first days of spring.
One of the favorite days of the old Katniss.
The Katniss before I was broken up.

Now, I don't allow myself to feel any pleasure. I don't allow myself to feel any feelings.

As Haymitch said: "I am a walking dead"

I take another deep breath, filling my lungs with the fresh air. When I open my eyes again I am met with a bright yellow color down my feet.
The bright yellow that mean rebirth and hope.
So tragic to see a dandelion now that all my hopes are dead.

I feel my eyes filling with tears again and I blink quickly so I won't let them escape. I bend down and slowly grab the flower, pulling it off the ground.
I don't hold it long in my hands.
I throw it away. As far as I can.
I don't need anything. ANYTHING. To remind me of him.
I feel a bit of proud for myself but the pride that was built in me disappears when I see that all along the roof is covered in dandelions. My legs can't bare my weight anymore and I sit at the edge shaking from head to toes. Desperate, I started pulling off the yellow flowers and throwing them away but they are too many. I feel them everywhere. On my clothes. My skin. On me.

I let the tears roll down my cheeks and I let out a sob looking from the other side away from the intense yellow color when I see him.
He is standing in his roof, looking at me somehow terrified.

He is so far from me and he is still scared.

I rush inside the house again and into my room, which works now as my safe house. While my tears are dripping down to my palms. I walk slowly to the bathroom and weakly turn on the water, filling the shower. I look around me while hearing the water running.

Everything seems to remind me of him.
Me trying to shave him.
Us brushing our teeth together.
The laughs we used to share.
The kisses we would have.

Everything.

How his lips felt against mine. Warm. Soft. Steady.
How he slid his tongue in my mouth making me whimper and my insides throb.
The warmth that I felt in the beach would overtake me again.

I close my eyes as more tears are forming.

I feel something warm and smooth rushing down my legs and I look at the water inside the bath tub that starts to run outside and to the bathroom's floor.
I take off my robe slowly revealing my nude form. I manage to take a glimpse of my body in the mirror. I place my hand behind my neck and look up and down my hideous form. I can count my ribs on my chest now. The bones on my arms. My cheeks hollow. My eyes black and puffy.

I look like a skeleton.

Some more tears stream down my face as my eyes stuck at my once nice body or at least it was more respectable than what it is now. The carves I had gain have completely disappear. My skin looks a bunch of years old and I don't look like the twenty year old woman I used to be.

I shake my head and get in the water, letting the warm water keep me safe. I try to not think anymore of him but I fail. He is everywhere.
When he bumped into me when I was just getting out of the shower.
How his eyes will look at me with lust and desire.
How I would feel the warmth overtaking me again by only feeling his lips on my lips and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight just by kissing my neck.

I force myself under the water to make me stop thinking any of this!
I keep my eyes closed as I let out the whole air of my lungs.

The water makes me feel safe and out of any worries.

My pulse slows down as the energy of my whole being disappears.

My lungs and throat hurts.
My head spins.
I can't feel my legs and hand anymore as the darkness welcomes me.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am twenty years old and I am in love with Peeta Mellark. I should have died years ago. Why am I not dead?

My name is Katniss Everdeen and I want to die.

My name is Kat…

Cliffy. Cliffy. Cliffy! ;)
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