20 Happiness
When the nightmares came, and the sadness, and the pain, all Steve wanted to do was call Bucky. Bucky was a gift, the one good thing in the universe, his best friend back from the dead, against all odds. Steve remembered when he had first learned Bucky was alive, as the shock faded away. He could barely believe it; it was a miracle. He almost thought himself lucky, because if anything could make life worth living, it was having his best friend here with him in this world where neither of them belonged anywhere anymore except with each other. And it was hard and Steve hurt watching Bucky hurt and it was difficult, earning Bucky's love again, but it was such a worthwhile endeavor and now he could say what made him happy, he knew the answer to that question because Bucky made him happy. Even if Bucky didn't see it. Steve was happy when he was with his best friend.
He wanted to be with Bucky then, as he sat up in bed, alone in the dark, and tried to remind himself that this wasn't 1944 and he was okay and he knew happiness. Happiness was asleep in the complex across the street, happiness spoke Russian like he was born to do it, happiness had a bionic prosthetic that could beat Steve at arm wrestling any day. But this night could be any night, this night could be yesterday or two weeks ago or tomorrow, because Steve woke up often and considered saying something to Bucky and he never did it.
Steve thought he would be able to do it now, because he thought he could try to speak up and try to feel better, but he stopped himself from reaching for the phone because he remembered Sharon.
Steve knew now that if he said something and if he was honest, people would leave him. He couldn't watch Bucky leave him.