Until It Sleeps: Chapter 10
I tried so hard And got so far
But in the end It doesn't even matter
I had to fall To lose it all
But in the end It doesn't even matter
- Linkin Park
It sounded funny, but Faith loved the `squeakiness' of freshly popped popcorn - how you could press the kernel between your teeth and it would squeak. Then there would be that burst of butter and salt - two of her three basic food groups - which would tingle in her mouth and just leave her wanting more.
For a good five minutes, Faith was as comfortable as she had ever been. Sitting cradling a giant bowl of popcorn, blocking all images out of her peripheral vision, she could have been anywhere and she would have been content.
Until a glass of clear liquid deposited itself directly in front of her.
Faith stared at it, chewing slowly, then her eyes flicked upwards. "What am I looking at here?"
"Water." Buffy said simply, then turned around and poured herself a glass. "You'll need it. For the popcorn. You know, salt. thirsty." Buffy trailed off. "Don't tell me you're immune to salt."
Faith chewed a few more times, then grinned openly.
"Salt and I are good friends." She said. Buffy made a face, and Faith noticed, almost absently, how the contentment had not stopped quite as abruptly as she'd thought. "I usually wash it down with something. stronger, anyway."
Buffy laughed softly, raising the glass to her lips. "What happened to sister Faith?"
"Hey!" Faith spread her arms wide. "Even sisters take communion, B."
"Oh you're-" Buffy shook her head in exasperation. "Fine. But this is a PG-rated house, so you're not allowed to know where I get it from."
Faith nearly spat out her mouth of popcorn, and made a deliberate show of it. "PG?" She asked incredulously. "B, what happened?"
"Dawn happened."
"B she's like." Faith stopped. Exactly how old was Dawn anyway?
"Less than 21." Buffy said curtly, crossing her arms. Faith snorted.
"You're kidding me. Oh man." She chuckled and tossed another few kernels of popcorn in her mouth. "B, she's a kid. If she hasn't found it already, she's probably got her own stash."
The comfort between them began to turn, and in the instant before Buffy opened her mouth Faith knew there was no way to stop it.
"Not every kid thinks like you did, Faith."
And there it was, ripped away from her. Faith chewed around the popcorn in her mouth slowly. Suddenly she seemed to have lost her appetite.
Fuck.
Closing her eyes she leaned on her hand and rubbed her fingers across her forehead. She should have known better than to expect to maintain a normal, civilised conversation with Buffy. She should have known better than to push the boundaries like that.
Get that? Or you gonna make me repeat myself?
An image of a man's face flashed across Faith's mind. Fat, hairy. Filthy wifebeater and tracksuit pants that were dotted with holes. An ever-present sheen of sweat.
The girl, barely eleven years old, rolled her eyes. "Chill, Big Man." She said, waving the bag in her hand. "I take this down to Spank, by the Clement, get the four grand, take it down to Josies, tell `em I'm Casper's daughter and get the smack off `em. It's a cinch."
He pointed a greasy, fat finger at her. "And?"
"Don't talk to nobody but Spank and Chuck. I get it. Now fuckin shut up. I'm goin'." She spun around and stalked towards the door.
"Oi get over `ere kid. I'm not done wit you yet."
The girl's hand froze on the doorhandle. "Don't fuckin call me that."
"Or what?" She felt him sneering into her back. "You gonna get sesame street on my ass?"
She turned slowly, advancing two steps back into the room, towards the pungent stench of body odor, beer and vomit. "Or.." She hissed through clenched teeth. "The next time you're high I'm gonna cut off your balls and feed `em to ya."
Faith.
Faith started, and looked up.
"Hey." A hand was on her arm. Buffy was beside her.
"Uhh.." Faith took a step away from the bench, and lifted her arm up, away from Buffy's hand to scratch the back of her neck. Fuck, she could still smell him.
"Look Faith-" Buffy started "I didn't mean-"
Faith's eyes darted up and she shrugged. "Hey no sweat." She said quickly. "I'm kinda beat so I think I'm just going to head up and-" She gestured vaguely in the direction of the stairs.
Buffy seemed to pause, as if about to say something more, but she either thought better of it or Faith was totally off-track. She ended up nodding slowly.
"Know where you're going?"
"Yeah, unless you've redecorated in the last few years."
"Well I usually have Mum's bed, but. I thought Willow and Tara and Xander and Anya could fight over it."
"Ah." Faith barely even registered the innuendo, and certainly wasn't in the frame of mind to act on it. "So it's still on the right?"
"Yep."
"Cool. Okay. Night B."
"Night Faith."
Willow, Tara, Giles, Xander and Anya all had signs of cabin fever - so much so that when Buffy entered the lounge she thought she was walking into a room full of caged animals. Xander was having an argument with Anya over why it was possible to become stuck in solitaire, and that it didn't mean that the game was flawed. Willow was leaning back in her chair, eyes closed and palms pressed hard against her temples, and although Tara's hand was resting lightly on Willow's knee, she was busy flipping erratically through the diary, her mind completely elsewhere.
Giles had taken off his glasses and was resting his forehead on the back of his hand, flipping through one of the many texts he had brought across with him.
Buffy did feel sorry for them - they were the think-tank of the operation, however that reason was only secondary to the fact that frankly, nobody felt safe out at night any more. They had operated on this pseudo-curfew for the last two weeks, when it was clear the killing wouldn't stop, and now the antsy-ness between them had become firmly rooted.
Giles was the first to notice Buffy's presence and he frowned.
"Where's Angel?" He asked, the sound snapping the others out of their stupor.
"He went looking for more information." She flicked both her eyebrows upward. "You know, unofficial channels."
There were several responsive nods. Willow eyed the empty space over Buffy's shoulder.
"Where's."
"Upstairs. Gone to bed."
"Sooo.." Xander pursed his lips and flared his nostrils, then finally asked the question. "..how is she?"
A short glance to Giles yielded the ever-so-slight nod - a `yes that was me' gesture. Buffy licked her lips.
"She's. okay. The stitches are in. The cut will heal in a couple of days."
"Go Slayer strength." Willow cheered half-heartedly. Buffy simply smiled back. At least it was halfheartedly.
Tara's eyes rose from the diary. "What about. the rest?"
That question drew a deep breath from Buffy and she looked across to the other witch, slowly expelling it.
"I think they've started. I can't be sure, but. she fell asleep in the cab and nearly jumped through the roof when I tried to wake her. And then before-" Buffy's eyebrow's furrowed as she recalled the way Faith had just stopped. trance-like. only moments before. "She seemed to phase out for a second."
"How do you know that's not just ?"
Xander shifted uncomfortably in his seat which gave Buffy the distinct impression he had been intending to say something else. Buffy found herself glancing at Giles again.
Go big man.
"There are some other things I've noticed as well. It's just -" She shrugged. "I just know."
"The whole. slayer sense thing?"
"Yeah, something like that."
Something like a whole lot of things, thought Buffy silently, that none of you will understand.
It was going to happen at some point soon, and the fact that Anya started it only seemed fitting. She was, in fact, quite amazed at the contagiousness of it. She had commented several times on the various viruses and diseases that paled in comparison. Even ebola got a mention.
But it started with Anya, then Xander caught it, Willow and Tara almost simultaneously, then Giles followed.
Buffy seemed immune. After all, yawning just wasn't her thing.
"I think." Giles began, rising from his seat and stretching out the kinks in his back. "We would be far more productive if we pick this up again tomorrow morning. Have a fresh start."
With a collection of creaks and groans the other four stood up, and the yawn phenomenon was passed in reverse order.
Giles and the others began the arduous task of tidying, but Buffy hung back, frowning. An uneasiness had begun to settle in her mind, only in the last couple of minutes, and specifically in the corner that was marked `Faith - do not cross'.
She began to walk away, but stopped when Giles cast her a withering glance. "I'm going to check on Faith." She said, gesturing with her head towards the stairs. "Make sure she's. asleep."
Willow glanced at Buffy sceptically for an instant, but seeing the expression on Buffy's face opened her mouth in an understanding `o' and continued packing up her laptop.
You're not gonna run, Faith
Faith stood with her back to the sound, her insides crawling and a soul-numbing ache permeating her entire body. She knew Buffy would come for her, regardless. Now she'd been found there wasn't a chance in hell Buffy would let her go.
"What do you want to do. you want to throw me off the roof?" She asked, then laughed bitterly, "Again?"
"Any reason why I shouldn't?"
No, no there isn't Buffy. There's no reason why you shouldn't. Faith turned.
"There's nothing I can do for you, B. I can't ever make it right."
Buffy narrowed her eyes. The fire hadn't dulled, not even a little bit. "So you're just going to take off again, leave us to clean up yet another one of your messes?"
Faith's eyes pleaded with her.
"It'd make things easier for you."
If I wasn't here. If I never came here. If I could wipe me out from your mind B I'd do it. I'd do it in a second if it would make it better. make you not look at me that way.
"Until you got bored with the whole guilt thing, decide to come back and shake things up?"
"That's not gonna happen."
Faith.
"You're right, it's not."
"Angel said there was no way you would give me a chance."
Her eyes flashed, and Faith recoiled before the words left her mouth. "I gave you every chance!" She barked. "I tried. so hard to help you. And you spat on me. My life was just something for you to play with. Angel, Riley, anything that you could take from me you took. I've lost battles before, but nobody else has ever made me a victim."
She was unable to move, to do anything other than stare at Buffy, forced to hear. to feel the things she had said. There was nothing there between them anymore, just hate, anger, and spite. Betrayal. Mistrust. All those words. All those words she knew were reserved for her.
What did she have to lose?
"And you can't stand that!" She countered, suddenly finding a scrap of courage to share the war she was raging in her mind. "You're all about control. You have no idea what it's like on the other side. Nothing's n control. Nothing makes sense. There's just. pain and hate and nothing you do means anything, you can't even-"
"SHUT UP!"
Faith felt what remained of her conviction simply melting away to nothing.
She was nothing.
"Just tell me how to make it better."
Faith, hey. Wake up Slayer
Her surroundings seemed to be sucked into a giant vacuum of space so quickly that time itself could have been ripped apart. When they regained their equilibrium Faith found herself standing on another rooftop. another building. She blinked for a second, disoriented, but as soon as she turned her eyes forward found the familiarity.
Buffy's angry face. The hatred. The disgust.
Faith looked down.
The knife.
She swore she would never forget how easily the blade slid into her stomach. Faith remembered looking down at it, just as she was doing now, and the blade stuck out just enough that she could see her reflection in it. A great picture of evil vanquished - the monster watching the life ebb from their own body. Seeing the image of what they had created.
"You did it-" She murmured in awe, watching her mouth move in the exposed sliver of blade. Ding Dong.
A part of her felt immense relief.
"You killed me." Then she looked up - away from it. Away from the monster. And in that instant she forgot how much it hurt to be hated, hunted, alone. In ultimate defiance, she threw Buffy away from her and staggered backwards, closer. ever closer to the edge until her heel came into contact with air. She stared down at Buffy, and steeled herself for the fall. "Won't help your boy, though."
Faith, come on
As the air behind her gave way under her weight, something grabbed her hand. A dull ache in her left arm was beginning to overtake the one in her stomach. She was held, suspended, and confused. Trapped. And hurt. And goddamn it if she didn't get out of there right now, she'd be used for an antidote.
Faith it's me.
She struggled mercilessly against the hold, kicking her legs out and wrenching her hand away, swinging her other fist in the empty space in front of her.
Until she connected with something.
"Wha-?" Faith's eyes snapped open, unfocused and disoriented. Last she knew she'd been. falling. Stabbed. Stabbed in the stomach by Buffy. who was. directly in front of her.
"Faith!"
Faith's eyes immediately widened and she flung herself backwards, only barely registering the wall at the end of the bed that met her back at high speed.
"Get the fuck off me!" She shouted, the rest of the breath thrown out on impact.
Buffy shot upright and backed away, her own hand held against her cheek.
"Faith stop." She said, trying to force as much calm into her tone as possible. There would be a bruise there, in the morning, she was sure about it. "It was a nightmare, that's all. You're in my house, you drove from LA last night." Faith's eyes shone in the darkness of Buffy's room, and her heaving shoulders were punctuated by sharp breaths. Buffy took another step away. "Faith I'm going to turn on the light, so you can see."
Her fumbling fingers found the switch and she flicked it on, without waiting for Faith's opinion on the matter. Buffy told herself it was because she wanted Faith to see where she was, but had she been truthful to herself she would have acknowledged the part of her that was. afraid. Faith would do something regrettable.
The room instantly brightened, and Faith flinched away from it, hiding once again behind the hair that had fallen onto her face. Buffy was able to see her now - her knees were drawn tightly against her chest, her arms trapped protectively between her thighs and torso.
"Faith." Buffy started again. "It was just a dream, that's all." Faith was clearly getting increasingly worse. What had she dreamt, to react that badly? She gestured around the room. "You're safe, see?"
She turned her head and started when she saw a figure in the doorway.
"Dawn go back to your room."
"But Buffy-"
"Dawn." Buffy closed her eyes, raising a hand to her forehead. "I don't have time to argue with you. Please."
Dawn stalked away, and Buffy sighed. "Teenagers," She muttered, half to herself and half to distract Faith from any remaining visions of her dream. She moved slowly towards the door, pulling it closed with a soft click, then turned back to Faith. "Sometimes I just wish-"
Buffy stopped cold.
Faith had straightened her legs, and now Buffy could see her hands, and her eyes, all focused on the same place. Fingers pressing up against her tank top as if that very act alone was what was preventing her intestines from spilling out onto the bedspread. Her eyes, seeking, searching for the blood she knew should be there.
Buffy's heart hit the floor.
That's what she had seen. That was what Faith's nightmare had been. Running from Buffy. Buffy killing her.
"Faith I-" She whispered, but found herself unable to finish the thought. What was she going to say, sorry? It was only a dream? It didn't really happen? It turned out alright in the end? Reliving her nightmares from the past. That was the line - that was this demon's MO. Buffy was prepared for nightmares. She was prepared for the monsters under the bed, the bogeyman in the closet, the being chased naked down the street by William Shatner.
Nothing could have prepared Buffy for the possibility she would be part of those dreams. And not just any part. The starring role. The one who did the deed.
She would never forget the night. She could remember it, even now, right down to the cracks in the concrete surface on the roof. She could have mapped it out in a second. She remembered the fighting, the struggle, and most of all the sick feeling that spread instantly through her entire body as the knife slid so easily.. so cleanly into Faith's stomach.
Suddenly Faith glanced upward, as if noticing Buffy for the first time. Her eyes sparked a recognition, and her fingers loosened, falling gently away from her body.
"Uh..Hey."
Buffy had wanted her dead then - so much. It had seemed like the right - the good - thing to do. She had told herself that then. She had told herself she was the one to do it. The protector of all humankind. The Chosen.
What was The Chosen doing now?
"You okay?" Buffy asked, still staring at the place under Faith's black tank top that she knew the scar lay.
"Yeah good." Faith answered quickly. "Just didn't feel so good for a second there."
Buffy sighed again softly. She allowed Faith the lie. How couldn't she?
"The guys are going to call it a night." She ran a hand through her hair. "It was getting like the next Cold War down there. Everyone could do with the rest."
Faith nodded, then swept the room with her eyes. "Do you want me to- " She raised her eyebrows, and Buffy stared at her, confused. "Couch." She said.
"No. No of course not." The conviction wasn't as close to the forefront as she had wanted, but Buffy's mind was still reeling from the question. Did Faith feel like she was intruding? Did she feel out of place?
Buffy mentally kicked herself. Hard. Idiot. Of course she did.
"I'll be back in a sec." She said, then signed and threw a weak smile in Faith's direction. "Need anything?"
"Nah."
"Okay." Buffy turned and opened the door, pausing to switch off the light.
"You can leave it on." Faith said suddenly, almost too suddenly to be a casual request. But by the time Buffy looked over her shoulder, she found no indication of it in Faith's face. "I'll wait." She said simply.
Buffy nodded, then quietly exited the room, closing the door behind her.
She had only taken two steps when she stopped, leaned hard against the wall and dropped her head. She closed her eyes, but could only see Faith, cowering at the end of the bed, hiding from her.
She had told Angel, when she had come to find Faith and drag her - or so had been her intention - kicking and screaming to jail, that she couldn't be in their "club" because she hadn't killed anyone. But really, that was just a technicality, wasn't it?
Buffy has seen Faith's eyes moments after she'd stabbed her. She had pretended not to see it - not to notice. But she'd seen the surprise, the disbelief. The sadness.
And the relief.
And that was what scared Buffy now, most of all.