If I'd thought I was in pain before, it was nothing compared to what I felt now. It started in my neck, a sharp piercing. My throat started to burn, from the inside out. Then the burning spread, and when it reached my heart - I didn't know anyone could live through that kind of torture. Right then, being gutted by a bear seemed on par with scraping a knee.
My mouth was locked open in a scream, but no sound came out. I lay writhing in agony, wishing that God had seen fit to let me die.
Maybe the pain was just making me delusional, but I really believed that it was God who was trying to keep me alive, Him and one of His angels. I couldn't imagine that the beautiful creature who'd slaughtered that bear and flown me to wherever the hell I was now, was anything less than an angelic being. And I had hope that the flames I felt inside me weren't the flames of hell, because I'd heard her pleading with God to save me, and I'd heard God say He would. Somehow that's what this torment was supposed to be: my salvation. But all I could think now with this fire burning me alive, was that I wanted it to end, salvation be damned.
"I'm so sorry."
That voice - the same musical voice that had begged me not to die, had begged God not to let me die. The angel. And now she sounded sad, choked up like she'd been crying. My mind shoved the pain aside enough to make room for one thought: I'd do anything to keep this angel from crying.
"I'm so selfish. I should have just left you. I never should have put you through this.
My vision was only clear enough for me to see her light - not her, but the pale glow that I knew could only come from her. She was so close. I wanted to reach out to her, but my body was thrashing under the waves of pain and wouldn't obey me.
"I just had to save you. I had to. I couldn't . . . couldn't let you die. This doesn't last forever, I swear. Just hold on."
Her voice was so full of pain. And I was the cause. She was in pain because I was.
A life as long as mine is filled with many regrets, but what I did next is not one of them. I decided that I would live to make my angel happy.
I poured all of my will into keeping myself perfectly still. She didn't need to see me thrashing around. If quiet endurance would help her in any way, then that's what I would give her.
"So brave."
I felt her fingers, mercifully cold, brush my face. And then she was humming, something slow and lilting, and I clung to her song like a lifeline. I would get through this, with her to hold on to.