36 Earn

I know I missed posting yesterday. :( And I'm so sorry! But I'm afraid, given the fact that I'm struggling to keep up anyway, I'm going to have to stop making up for it. . I'm sorry! Hopefully, I won't miss any days and maybe the fall semester will be easier to write during. -BB

The thing was, Steve had half-expected to go into Bucky's journal and find accusations. After all, Steve accused himself, didn't he? And Bucky had told him he didn't blame him for the fall, told him he was always forgiven, but Steve had a hard time believing that until he saw it in Bucky's journal.

He had always thought of Bucky's love as something he had had to earn back because for such a long time, Bucky had avoided him, had kept his distance, been uninterested in keeping Steve's company and Steve tried so hard to win him back. But this journal, it told a different story. It praised him, nearly exalted him. Bucky's narrative throughout his journal was one of trying to earn Steve, trying to feel worthy of his friendship, and Steve often stopped in the middle of scribbled entries to stare at the words and attempt to reconcile them inside his mind.

But, Steve found himself thinking, I had to earn you. I had to be worthy of you, not the other way around.

And it befuddled him endlessly until finally, one night, Steve put down Bucky's book and bundled himself up in preparation for the cold and went to visit Bucky across the street.

Bucky opened the door and Steve was there, breathing hot into his hands, and said, "Was this an unconditional thing?" Bucky raised an eyebrow.

"What?" He said, then shook off his confusion and ushered Steve inside. "What are you talking about?"

"I had to earn you back," Steve said. "Didn't I? Did I have to deserve you?" Bucky stared at Steve, confused and concerned.

"You need to start from the beginning," he said. "Slow down. Deserve me? You aren't making sense."

"At the beginning," Steve said, his arms folded tight now across his chest, hugging the heat in. "You didn't want to see me. You avoided me." Bucky stared at Steve and he looked for a moment like he was reliving that, only a few months earlier, and Steve watched Bucky's eyes begin to shine with tears. He stiffened a little bit around the edges then, blinking.

"Yeah," he said. "I did."

"Why," Steve said and Bucky was beginning to wrap his arms around himself and shift his weight on his feet, uncomfortable.

"You know why," he replied in a hushed voice.

"I hadn't earned your love," Steve said.

"I hadn't earned yours!" Bucky exclaimed. "You know why, Steve, you know, I, my book, I wrote everything down!" Bucky squeezed himself tighter and his face was growing red, but so was Steve's, and Steve's vision was beginning to blur through tears as this onslaught of emotion, this wall of feeling drove into them both with a ferocity. "You know, you know, I was ashamed and scared. It… You thought… How could you think it was you?" Steve dropped his arms and stared at Bucky and shook his head.

"I don't know," he said and he blinked and felt tears streak his cheeks. "Maybe I could see that in you, how you felt, but I still felt guilty, it was still my fault." I still didn't deserve you. I still hadn't earned your love.

"What?" Bucky said.

"I owe you so much," Steve said. "Everything. I haven't earned your friendship." Bucky stared.

"That's not true," he replied. "That's not… Steve, that's not even how it works."

"What do you mean?" Steve said and Bucky looked away and scoffed, and Steve could see him actively trying to pull himself from the memory of avoiding Steve, the pain of it in the past.

"Friendship," he said. "My friendship, you don't earn it like it's something you have to pay for. I just… Give it to you, and there's no conditions. It wasn't you being… You being unworthy somehow, it was me being unready. And ashamed and-" he stopped and pressed his mouth together and began to pace, looking at Steve. "Okay? You aren't… You don't earn our friendship. It's a mutual thing."

"It is," Steve replied, half a question, begging, and Bucky nodded. "Even if I'm-"

"Don't you dare," Bucky interrupted him. "You're going to say burden, don't say it. It's not true."

"You sacrificed so much for me," Steve whispered. "Years ago, and now. You give up things for me. I make things hard for you." Bucky stood and stared at Steve for a long time.

"I don't know what to say," Bucky said. "How do I convince you, how can I… That's not true, Steve."

"What do you mean, 'it's not true'," Steve argued. "You gave up everything for me over and over and over. I could barely work, most of your money went to keeping me alive and I couldn't even do anything to help." Bucky stared again and there was a long silence and Steve's words rang in the air then, rang in their ears, until Bucky broke the ringing silence with a whisper.

"You say that," Bucky said. "Like every single second wasn't worth it." Steve swallowed and listened to Bucky desperately. "You say that like keeping you alive wasn't something I was happy to sacrifice everything for. Cause I was." Bucky threw up his hands. "What would I rather have? An extra meal? A little pocket change? More free time? Or my best friend? You were so worth it, Steve, I've never done anything more worth it."

"I couldn't pull my fair share," Steve said and Bucky gasped exhaustedly and grabbed Steve's shoulders, looking into his face. He enunciated every word with vigor.

"You. Didn't. Have. To," he said. "Your worth to me was never defined by how much you could help out, that's ridiculous. Those months ago, when I kept my distance from you, that was my problem, not yours. You never had to earn back my love because you never lost it. And I've always given it to you freely. You weren't a burden. You weren't a burden!" Steve made no effort now to stop the tears streaking his face.

"Okay," he said quietly.

"Do you believe me?!" Bucky cried and Steve nodded slowly.

"I'm trying to," he said and Bucky looked at him and swallowed, his hands still tight around Steve's shoulders.

"That's a start," Bucky replied in a whisper. "That's a great start."

Love, real, honest love, the love that counts, isn't something you have to exactly earn. That's the beautiful thing about it, the unconditional thing. We never truly earn the love we receive from the people in our lives, but those people overlook our faults and love us anyway and that-that is what's so great about it. That's what true love is and Steve was beginning to realize this as he collapsed into Bucky's arms and let himself be held and thought to himself just how grateful he was, how lucky he was, to have a friend like Bucky.