A/N: I was not sure if I would be able to continue as it is very hard sometimes to write a humorous story when life is not always conducive to humour or to having the time to write at all. And I sure did not realize just how hard writing this would be. Despite that, and mainly because of your wonderful reviews that have completely shot me somewhere right over the planet of Asgard, I am not abandoning this story and I will try to update sooner from now on if I can. I truly hope you can still enjoy it! Please let me know what you liked or hated or just whatever! :D
CH4 – Get me a horse!
This was one of those glorious times Loki had found himself dreaming of, yet never actually dreaming of the dream itself coming to life. He had a big advantage over a hammerless Thor and his brother had not quite fully caught onto the fact yet himself, trying to punch Loki hard into his gleaming smug face with a fisted hand, Thor's frustration rising in his tightening facial muscles in wonderment why he kept missing.
"This used to be easier," Thor mumbled in between attempts to pound his brother to the ground and being effortlessly avoided.
"Oh, really?" Loki would have strongly disagreed. Indeed, he had felt the full extent of his brother's blows before and in those times his face had been hurting as if it had been crushed by a shrinking helmet, but it had certainly never been easy to hit him. In fact, it had been Mjolnir that dealt the most damage and now that Thor's metal appendage lacked in presence, vexing this gargantuan power machine had proven to be so exuberantly entertaining. Still, there were limits even to entertainment, surprisingly and sadly so.
"Thor," Loki tried to attract the God of Thunder's attention to point out his futile attempts but Thor's determination to vent his newly found competition to Mjolnir's ownership was truly admirable.
As Loki lay on his well-dressed back in the dirt blown in from the parched and water deprived desert, looking at Thor with a peevish expression plastered on his face, he truly wondered how many more eons of time would it take for his oafish brother to for once notice the obvious, yet again.
"Thor. Not that I do not relish the undivided attention you are affording to I and to my face in particular but this is neither productive nor leading us any closer to Asgard. Not to mention that we now have the whole village as an audience curious enough to discern who is winning and your hand certainly is not a convincing contender at this very moment," Loki commented in a very calm and assured manner.
Thor finally stopped his pounding and gave his ineffective Godly hand a slow and appraising onceover, the breakthrough finally showing on his face in the form of an unimpressed scowl. "This is hardly fair, brother," Thor protested with deepening blue in his eyes.
"I would like to remind you to tell that to your hand when it decides to swing your hammer in my unarmed direction." Loki raised a raven brow.
"Then you admit it is my hammer," Thor announced with a triumphant tone of voice and a grin to match, his previous offence quickly forgotten.
Loki sighed, summoning much needed mental strength. "Yes. I solemnly admit it. It is your hammer when you and you alone command it. Hence I present my case. Are you commanding it right now? Can you call it to your hand?" Loki made a gesture with his arms, spreading them as wide as the grin on his twitching lips to make sure his point was received clear and loud.
It was. A little bit too clear and loud. In fact, Thor found that he had no problem imagining Mjolnir in his grip after all as he drew back his massive fist and readied to rearrange Loki's perfect face when a jarring and unrefined female voice interrupted the well-practiced flow of his mighty swing.
"So, you guys usually get it on in the street or is this some kind of a one-off freaky visit from outer space so you have to fight for dominance?" Darcy loomed over them as much as a short human can loom over two extremely tall men who happened to be laying down in awkward positions in the dirt of the dusty street.
Loki instantly looked up to her with a flawlessly unchallenged expression. "Usually, both. How did you know?" His tone was interlaced with ice-calm irritation as if he had been devising some not so nice ways to respond but changed his mind at the last moment.
"Usually, I don't," Darcy replied uncertainly, taken aback, not expecting a straight back answer which was quite the change from the silent, shocked reaction to her previously thrown in inappropriate comment.
"How not entirely surprising," Loki retaliated smoothly, the charm flowing out of him washing off the insult from his words so effectively that it left Darcy wonder with her mouth opened what had just happened.
She was about to protest against the unfairness of his otherworldly manipulation when Jane appeared out of nowhere and made her jump, since Darcy managed to block out all else when a hot guy happened to be in a close enough vicinity, not to mention two Gods of her wildest fantasies at once.
"Hey, I was going to thank you for paying in the diner since I don't usually have someone pay when I technically invite them but as I don't have the habit of inviting someone in the first place, especially anyone who eats half of the restaurant, I was grateful that you did. Erm, so, where are you off to now?" Blurting all that out barely comprehensibly, Jane was well aware that she really needed to improve her skills in casual talk, but since when did she have the time or opportunity?
Being close to Nobel Prize breakthroughs rarely lent itself to much socializing, which was sadly compounded by not too distantly dating a guy whose idea of giving a compliment to a woman was to tell her that she had the biggest boobs when looking through the Hubble telescope. Seriously? Her boobs were only big through a telescope? Well, she did not have Darcy's moons of Jupiter but hers were no mere satellites orbiting the Earth either, weren't they?
Mental direction sliding to satellites, what exactly did these guys want with the one in the desert? Was it brought down by the anomaly the night before?
"I am going to reclaim what is mine by right." Thor meantime got up and dusted himself off the manual and manly way while Loki made the dust vanish with a subtle wiggle of his finger, having to wiggle some more as the dirt from Thor's overzealous flicking landed on him once more.
"A right of anyone who can reclaim it," Loki did not miss to clarify, shooting Thor a gleaming look for soiling his immaculate attire, and for being continually thick.
"Yeah. And if you mean the satellite, it seems that the government is claiming right now what is not theirs by any right, but nobody cares." Darcy threw a contemptuous eye at the darkly shrouded car that just rounded the corner of the street. She hoped they had air conditioning in that black coffin of theirs as the image of boiled jackasses was rather disturbing, though also somewhat pleasantly satisfying. Speaking inwardly of boiling, how was it that the black-haired sex God was not sweating at all in that super-tailored, sun-soaking epitome of elegance of his?
"It is not what you think. Mjolnir will be mine and no one will be able to take it from me again," Thor said with mighty confidence underpinned by an even mightier grin and a side glare at Loki.
"What's a Mje-mje?" Darcy raised a confused eyebrow.
"Oh, sure. Have you met the government?" Jane gave Thor a sarcastic smile. "They won't even let you get close, so how do you think you will be able to take it in the first place?"
"First, I shall walk in there, and then I will take it," Thor proclaimed with undaunted arrogance, then added with even more conviction. "And if you take me there, I shall take it that much faster. And then I will take you somewhere…and tell you all you wish to know." Sincerity breathed from Thor's every pore to Loki's great bereavement. Not only had his brother just taken a poll position in the fascinating human's interest, his ability to appear sincere without centuries of practice was truly annoying.
"Everything?" Jane tilted her head, ravenous intrigue dancing in her eyes. She was ready to jump through unmapped wormholes set on fire to get to the truth.
"All the answers you seek will be yours," Thor wiggled his perfect pale eyebrows and Loki felt a sudden need to deposit all those eaten divine pastries onto the pavement. What utter waste would that be.
Yes, indeed, tell her everything and cause a subsequent and swiftly executed annihilation of the human world by a very likely mega-advanced blood-thirsty alien race invasion who would be the first to hear of the eager to be killed primitive humans' presence. Really, what would there be left for him to rule if he wished to do so? Loki surmised mentally with an admittedly slightly-amused, but mostly-unimpressed eyebrow lift.
He was about to pull Thor from this madness when the older and by the looks of it wiser man did it for him, only by pulling the earthly woman away from them instead.
"Jane," Erik demanded with a discreetly imperative tone of voice as he nudged her aside, far enough for them not to hear. "They are messing with you. They call each other Loki and Thor and they talk of Asgard and Mjolnir. Don't you see? They see a pretty face and have every intention to lure you on some wild goose chase and then leave you disappointed or a lot worse. Please leave them be. They could be dangerous."
Jane wanted to launch an instant protest but his genuine concern stopped her in her tracks. Jane found herself torn. Dammit! Why did Erik have to make more sense than the two guys who were supposed to make sense of all the chaos wanting to be resolved in her head? She hated when he was right, because his concern meant that she was either in trouble already or blindly heading into one.
Of course, she would still do it anyway, but not when Erik was around. It was time to agree and do something stupid later.
Jane nodded and headed back to the two strangers and to Darcy who was evidently conversing in a very inappropriate manner again, all apparent from the devious and alluring grin on the one who called himself Loki and the innocently naïve and dazzling grin of Thor. God, was she really going to call them that now? Erik was so right! She was so in trouble!
After another few moments of lingering reluctance, Jane squeezed out her rejection. "I'm…sorry. But I can't take you. Have to get back to…," not getting anywhere closer while I stick my head into my journal again and get astronomically frustrated, "…work," Jane said with an expectation of a counter-protest from the two but none came.
"I understand, then this is where we say goodbye." Thor disguised his disappointment under a perpetually held galaxies melting smile, reaching out for her hand to graze his golden stubble along her knuckles once more. He really hated to leave this lovely conquest unattended but duty called, and duty came first and above all. Well, actually duty came after lovely conquests, unbeknownst to his father of course, but this time he needed to prove his worth and that was rather difficult without his hammer.
And there was no way in the nine worlds that he was going to leave Loki have his chance with Mjolnir while he was chasing after a mere earthling, no matter how delightfully intriguing and deliciously mysterious she was. After all, he could always return and get this flower of Midgard once Mjolnir was once again securely glued to his hand. She would not refuse him then as the power of Thor would rule again!
As his lips detached from her hand, Thor expected a shy giggle or blushing cheeks as he aimed his drowning blues at her glittering browns but what he didn't expect was her eyes not to look at him at all, instead curiously sliding sideways to somewhere behind him, to…to his brother?
Before he could make any sense of this bizarre phenomenon however the three humans started to walk away, his brother an incarnation of a frost giant as he stood there all frozen in place with a blank face, only missing even a hint of blue on his palely complexion that seemed to have repelled the sun like his own goats did a bath.
"You let them go. I swear on my iPod, Jane, they were the sexiest guys I've ever laid my eyes on! And you let them go? Just like that?" Darcy was visibly sexually frustrated, giving Jane the 'you idiot' stare from under her glasses that seemed totally normal again, not fogging up at all.
"Well, just how many guys have you seen?" Jane knew almost instantly that the stupidest question just slipped past her mouth as Darcy basically passed her time by looking at every single guy her sight allowed her to ogle in between being bored and passing random instruments to Jane. But then again scientists would not get anywhere if they didn't ask things in a scientific kind of way, no matter how obvious the answers may have seemed. Right?
"More than you, plus about a million? In case you didn't notice I actually see guys as opposed to instruments all day long, so unless those instruments of yours point out guys to you, I'd say I have a pretty healthy head start on that subject. And since I clearly win on that subject, I am giving you a very educated opinion when I say that those two are like so totally abnormally sexy they might as well be aliens from planet Eden 108 a for all I know," Darcy elaborated with a raised eyebrow, giving Jane a bit of a 'doh' tone like Jane was an alien herself because she didn't agree with their awesome appearance.
"And they are both so into you but of course you don't notice. Darn, I need to be so less obvious next time and play the ignorant and uninterested one as that's what seems to fill the boots on their planet apparently." Darcy pushed her glasses back up her nose as if that signalled her resolve despite not being even remotely capable of being ignorant and uninterested.
Jane, on the other hand, found herself incapable of non-scientific response without thinking about it scientifically first. So first then, she never considered herself picky or shallow when it came to guys that she sometimes tried to date, usually to appear somewhat normal, but to be honest she usually had more fun with her own thoughts than with the conversations with guys so uninteresting they instantly bounced off her head like heat off a white surface.
Blake had certainly been the prime testament to her undiscriminating choices when it came to men. Not that she usually found herself in the right places to find the more appealing kinds of specimen, given that she was closer to dating flashing screens than people, but she guessed that Darcy knew what she was talking about since her intern's brain had a little more room than Jane's since it didn't try to decipher the secrets of the universe and all those infinitely spanning questions her discoveries delivered.
Secondly, Darcy's iPod was pretty much a sacred shrine to Darcy and so with her swearing on it was like swearing on a bible and that meant that Darcy really, truly meant what she had said.
"…And you let them go?" Darcy re-iterated as she gave Jane a notch more obviously accusing eye from underneath her clear glasses, causing Jane to snap out of her brief self-evaluation of her sad but otherwise satisfying non-dating life and make her realize that Darcy was still talking.
"Let them go Darcy. I mean, who from Norway would come to New Mexico dressed like mythical characters? They are either playing crazy or plainly crazy. And from the look of pure conviction in the blonde one's eyes I'd tend to lean toward the latter," Erik drew his brows together.
"Well, they may just be role-playing? Who doesn't in this nothing-to-do-boredom-hole? And who cares about crazy when you get mega sexy," Darcy elaborated insistently.
"Crazy is not very conducive to getting an advanced, ground-breaking information. And neither is sexy." Erik rolled his eyes.
"You mean more like space-breaking information," Darcy corrected as she thought it sounded more appropriate, waiting for her wisdom to be appreciated. It wasn't.
"Space can be sexy," Jane started unsurely. "A beautiful galaxy floating majestically amongst the shimmering velvet vastness of ever so expanding possibilities…"
"Really? Jane, turn around right now and get laid. Preferably on Earth, and by a guy. Or two. Cause right now, you are starting to totally redefine the whole distance relationship thing and it's scaring me out of my glasses." Darcy gave Jane the look from under her eyewear, nodding her head knowingly.
"Excuse me? And you need to pay more attention to my instruments instead of everything else, especially every single man on Earth," Jane let out her frustration, turning away to head back to her lab so that her embarrassment would not be noticed. She really didn't need to get laid and then get cosmically disappointed, what she needed was a better, less rude assistant. At least galaxies were never rude and they did give her more satisfaction than any guy she had been with. Well, not that there were many… "And do you even know just how far away a galaxy is?" Jane shot out, wanting more than anything at that moment to show Darcy just how little clue she really had about anything galactic.
"Yep. The nearest one is about two and a half billion light years away. Which would definitely put you in the Guinness book of records for long distance dating. And with a woman for that matter which at least shows you have some spark of fun in you, I must admit," Darcy revealed, proud of herself as she rocked smugly on her heels.
"I can be fun! And I am not dating Andromeda!" Jane huffed, relieved immensely that they finally arrived at the lab so that she could dip her head into some instrument and ignore Darcy's nonsensical, yet occasionally perfectly educated irritable blabbering. But why in all the universe were agents crawling all over her things? Those overdressed, pompous bastards!
"I need a horse," Thor commanded partially to the whole town and partially to Loki as they strode along a street of the small and dusty town.
"Well, don't yell that at me. As much as I love to shape-shift into four legged animals, I do not believe it would lend itself to local appropriateness for you to ride me," Loki informed Thor with his lips turned up to a visibly repulsed smile, the amusement dancing in his eyes though revealing that he was not all that offended.
"You had no concerns about social appropriateness when that lovely dark stallion decided that your massive backside was the most beautiful thing it had ever seen," Thor proclaimed jovially, a big grin dominating his face.
"That is hardly comparable or fair. When I am a mare, I go for a stallion, when I am an Asgardian, I go for an Asgardian, be it a man or a woman. You, on the other hand, are an uneven mix of an oaf, a boorish beast of unknown origins and a fairly bearded Asgardian, hence highly inappropriate in your very existence. Get the difference?"
"Then, conjure us two horses, and you can turn to whatever you like to ride yours," Thor resolved the matter happily, ignoring Loki's flowery description of him which was not all too uncommon. After all, Thor had had the immense pleasure in dispensing a plenty of descriptions of Loki in the two thousands of years or so in turn.
"Ah, and have you seen the humans around here ride any horses? I do not enjoy to be obstructive, but I suspect we will have a better chance returning home the less obvious we are in our inter-galactic pursuits," Loki stated bluntly, sending Thor a subtle hint of him being an oaf yet again, and hence validating his previous observation.
"And what do you suggest, brother? That we walk?" Thor gave a sarcastic laugh.
"Of course not. Don't be absurd. We shall ride in one of those metal contraptions the humans seem to use. I have since devised they are not beasts but a fairly primitive means of ground transport," Loki explained, a smug expression gracing his smoothly grinning face.
Thor pondered on that one for a bit, then appeared enlightened. "Do you mean to say that we were not attacked by some beasts but by bad human driving?"
"I'd say, one human's bad driving in particular. She made a fool of us both, brother." Loki gave Thor a mischievous flicker in his eyes. He would most likely think of some suitable punishment for the human later.
"It matters not. For we shall soon regain our powers and return to the glory of Asgard," Thor proclaimed with a sense of proud patriotism, looking up at the sky. He kept looking, then when nothing was happening, he prodded Loki impatiently. "So get a move on, where is this transport you speak of?"
"Would you prefer a rusty bucket to regain your glory in or something a little more appropriate to the occasion? If it is the latter, I suggest you give me some time to find it in this Helheim hole the shoddiest of humans seem to reside in," Loki retorted in slight annoyance, looking around in vain as the word rusty seemed to be the most common choice to describe anything he could see going past them. Humans really needed to discover gold. It was the obvious and long lasting choice for transportation other than horses. Truly, the human contentment with inadequacy and stupidity was baffling. Well, except for those pastries, they were exquisite.
Thor gave him a blank face and suddenly Loki recalled the same expression on the man in the black clothing leaning against his black transport, all brandished and shining and undented like an armour worn to a first battle. That would do just fine. Gathering more concentration than usual, Loki let the car slip into his mind and summoning his magic, a perfect copy of the black as midnight sedan appeared in the street next to them, inconspicuously, just as a rusty truck was passing by, obscuring it from general view.
Loki made an instant move for the driver's door in case Thor had any ideas about taking charge himself, but a shop on the short stroll to the car caught his eye. It was full of papers with pictures of sorts, all arranged on a rotating holder, but what stole his attention was what the pictures said. 'Greetings from the beautiful desert' or 'We were here and saw' stood out amongst other writings, suggesting a messaging service of some strange sort. Exactly what he had in mind for a while, to send a message to the AllFather and confess his enormous enjoyment of his supposedly harshly punishing banishment. But which one would be the most appropriate? Ah, yes. Loki plucked out a card with a half-naked human female standing next to a prickly, oddly shaped plant in the middle of the desert, holding a sign over her private parts that said 'If there is nothing else to see, come and see me', with a small print of 'A perfect place to enjoy your retirement' underneath.
Perfect. He had no doubt that Odin would enjoy such a lovely and caring thought from his beloved son immensely. Well, since it was Loki who had cut off his father's deserved retirement so unthoughtfully in the first place.
Satisfied with his selection Loki wrote 'A place worthy of a king' and signed it with a twist of his finger, then waltzed into the depths of the dingy shop that smelled of musty paper. He handed the card to the shop assistant who appeared to be chewing on something seemingly hard to process, reminding him of one of those herbivore beasts of Vanaheim whose sole purpose of existence was to eat, digest, and well, let it all out again. Humans were truly so bizarrely yet pleasantly varied, as if each were a different species in their individuality, quite the opposite to the uniform and cloned appearances of Frost Giants or even most Asgardians, and therefore evidently so much more entertaining.
"Where can one send this?" Loki thought it best to ask as it seemed unlikely that humans have invented interstellar post. Well, even his father's ravens had to learn how to use Bifrost in the first place. In the early days they did not take well to the long and folded distances at all, most times opting to leave a nasty surprise in the energy beam for the next unfortunate traveller to run into. They were such vengeful and humorous creatures and so much to his liking.
"Well, anywhere you like, really. What is the address?" The young looking woman looked up with a bored glare, ending up staring at him uncertainly as if she had just seen the leader of her country standing in her dark and dusty shop. Well, he supposed he could not argue on that point, even though that particular plan of his was still well in its infancy. But all in good time.
"Odin Borson, The Great Palace, Asgard," Loki said with an unwavering confidence, and after adding an open mouth to her now blushing stare the woman took a long stick into her hand, readying to start writing on the back of the card.
"Wow, a palace? Is that somewhere in Europe?" She asked, her boredom quickly vacated and replaced by a facial expression full of hopeful possibilities. So, not so different from Asgardians on that point. So disappointing.
"It is…somewhat closer to Norway, yes," Loki confirmed, rocking on his heels with hands behind his back. He truly hoped they would find it, after all, the palace was rather hard to miss. It was only the planet that was significantly harder to pinpoint in the vast expanse of endless space. Maybe he should give her the exact coordinates just in case?
"Wow, I guessed it right! So, how fast would you like it?" The woman attempted a flirty giggle, this act revealing a hellish contraption wrapped around her teeth, a sight far worse than a female Troll that had once leaned too close to his face in misunderstood expectance with an expanding smile full of delightful assortment of all things disgusting, green saliva and remains of decayed food included. No wonder Loki felt a sudden desire to vacate the shop, though not just yet the entire planet like with the overly friendly she-Troll.
"As fast as possible. Perhaps I should give you the exact code, so you don't miss it," Loki pointed out politely, also wanting to get out as fast as possible. Her metal-decorated smile was becoming far too scary and distracting, in so many horrid ways.
"Oh, you mean the post code? Of course, you'd need that wouldn't you? Silly me," the assistant gave out what seemed like a laugh of an opportunistic scavenger and prepared her writing instrument as she listened with avid eyes.
Loki was about to give her the Yggdrasil coordinates for Heimdall's observatory, but thinking on that for a short moment he lost all confidence in her ability to deliver his message, instead opting to do it for himself. After all she more looked like she'd eat it than send it anywhere and so he snatched the card from under her sharply nailed hand and began a fast pace out of this deathly trap for unsuspecting visitors from outer space. She obviously intended to eat him too with her metal-chained teeth, her eyes readying to devour him whole. Who knew what these humans were capable of?
"Hey, come back! I'll do it extra fast!" The woman called loudly after him as he darted out of the shop, colliding into Thor's big blue chest and a wall of heat outside, not that the two were in any way related.
"Do what extra fast? Just what were you doing in this random establishment?" Thor caught Loki by his arm, a little angered that his brother had other priorities than getting back his precious hammer, but peeking inside the shop he caught a rather desperate face of a woman who was happily waving at Loki, shouting for his return.
"Oh, never mind. I can see for myself. Though I must say her armoured teeth look rather hazardous. Did it hurt?"
"The only thing that will hurt will be your pride when I swing your hammer and ram it into your overly imaginative skull," Loki retorted as he wrenched himself from his brother's grip and made a beeline for the ride on four wheels he had conjured. He'd be damned if Thor had the first pick at everything, especially now that his brother lost his powers while gaining extra intolerableness to compensate.
Being hammerless and lacking in magic though never impeded Thor in speed or his impressive ability to shove things out of his way. So in a mighty blink of dashingly blue eyes he was on top of Loki, successfully tossing him out of the door that seemed to have belonged to the more important person of the primitive land-based human transport.
"Ahaha! A mistake, brother. A mistake for you to think me so helpless without the power of Asgard," Thor exclaimed exuberantly as he swiftly claimed the seat of the man in charge, overly pleased with himself as he watched Loki grudgingly and wordlessly land in the seat for those who were decidedly not so much in charge.
Thor's triumph appeared to be threatened however as his eyes travelled over the controls, all appearing alien like as though he had found himself on a spaceship from an undiscovered realm. Still, how hard could it be?
The God of Thunder began to poke his mighty fingers at anything that seemed to stick out from the otherwise smooth surface, soon enough applying increased force to everything in sight as nothing was making the ghastly thing to move, not even the final angered smashing of his wide-as-pancakes palms.
"Ah, I think you have not hit that one yet," Loki kindly pointed his forefinger at the steering wheel, managing an innocent enough shine of his eyes.
Thor palmed the big round thing right on the centre and recoiled from a blast of the loudest, ear-shattering noise that had ever pierced the fabric of space. Or rather his now very mortal eardrums.
"Any other useful suggestions?" Thor refrained from strangling his brother after clearing his ringing ear with a finger. He had been accustomed to battle horns ten times louder than this damned noise but never had one managed to assault him so up close and unexpected. Humans truly did seem to use these things as weapons of the most imaginative means.
"Try giving that one a little twist," Loki suggested with undying innocence while motioning to a small key under the central wheel and to his utter surprise Thor seemed to follow his advice yet again, possibly only for the third time in his entire life. That was if he didn't count that one time when Thor couldn't decide on a design for his helmet and Loki had ended his brother's torturous dilemma by suggesting to honour his father's ravens by decorating his headpiece with the dark majesty of their beautiful wings. Of course his ulterior motive was to make sure Thor's helmet was inferior in meaning to his own, but Thor had never seen through his devious scheme, wanting nothing more than to please his father. Thor's predictability had led to Loki's easy victory. His gullibility was so thick then that listening to Loki's advice truly did not count.
Thor gave it a twist all right, that much was admirable, but the word 'little' equalled to 'excessive force' in Thor's own over-powered Godly world and so even without any powers instead of starting the vehicle he ended up with half of the key in his ginormous hand and one half still embedded in the ignition. Therefore yet again, he didn't listen. What a surprise.
"That was a little twist?" Loki expressed his frustration by an annoyed shake of his head.
"Anything less and my fingers would travel backwards," Thor filed a firm protest, eyes flashing a lightning of dire consequences.
"Really Thor, how you manage normal daily activities I will never even begin to fathom. You have however most demonstratively clarified for me why the same woman never enters your chambers ever again. Not that it was a large mystery in the first place. Though speaking of women, let's find out if they are called the gentler sex for a reason, shall we?" Loki's grin was truly devious.
Thor though did not quite get Loki's last comment until he saw that he now held a whole, unbroken key, in a much smoother, smaller, elegantly sexier hand…
"Loki! Change me back this instant!" Thor would have summoned thunder up his brother's posh ass if he was still on Asgard. On a second thought, he would have rammed the whole Mjolnir in there if he still had it. Since he didn't, he resorted to applying his best imagination.
"Oh, but mother, how have I missed you and your wit." Loki put on a hurt face. "How else am I to pass these terrible trials if not for the glimpse of your divine beauty and a breath of your eternal wisdom?"
"Loki! Undo this. Now!" Thor started to gather some anger in their mother's voice. It was rather disturbing.
"Now, now. If I was to change you back to my clumsy, thick-fingered brother, who else would have the gentle touch to start this vehicle?" Loki said in all seriousness, eyes close to tearing up. He never thought that refraining from outright laughing was going to be so pleasing. He really needed to have some fun with Thor while it lasted, then he'd most likely end up in Hel but it would have been worth it.
"You can put me in the form of a Light Elf seamstress and I would still not exhibit any traits of gentility." Thor's vein of impatient fury bulged up on his neck and to make his point, Thor grabbed for Loki's immaculately brushed back hair but Loki managed to pull back his head and so Thor ended up gripping his shoulder instead, only much, much harder.
"That much is quite painfully obvious," Loki hissed through pressed teeth, shaking Thor's illegally deceptive hand from his bruised shoulder together with the unsettling image of his mother being as strong as a fully grown Frost Giant angered by a stolen icicle.
"Then change me back or I will demonstrate just how ungentle I truly am!" Thor demanded, unamused. He loved his mother dearly, but there was no way in Helheim he was going to reclaim his prized possession in a woman's dress. Besides, wielding a hammer in a flowing gown was quite impractical as he had once found out and he did not want to even think of what would happen should Mjolnir become tangled in the folds of the plentiful fabric.
"Oh dearest mother, all this untoward violence. And there I thought you were the calming influence in the bonds of your did happen to you?" Loki could not resist one last taunt but as Thor was clearly ready to lunge at him, he sighed and let the illusion shatter. Oh shame. Well, not that he would not welcome a fight with a large chance of winning but he simply could not bear to hit his mother.
"What happened to me? I swear Loki, if I was capable of starting this hellish contraption, I would leave you behind and send Mjolnir back through your face to remind you just what happened to me. I will not have you stand in my way, you hear?" Thor truly had Mjolnir signs in his thundering eyes. He would get his powers back today and Loki was clearly trying to distract him from his ultimate aim. How could his brother not see that there was no stopping him?
"Ah yes, and as you smash up my face and everything else in this realm, father will enjoy it so much he will let you come back to Asgard and immediately hand you the throne in return for the immeasurable wisdom you have gathered here on Midgard," Loki remarked with one raised eyebrow, the other readying to guard his eye, expecting the blow from the now very large, Thor-sized fist.
To Loki's utter surprise however there was a moment of complete silence that followed his truthfully sarcastic speech, a long moment unfilled with threats of demise to whomever, excessive boasting, tales about excessive boasting, or any kinds of sentences including the word hammer in any of its forms.
When the moment became too awkward, Loki simply suggested the best solution. "Let me drive?"
Thor cleared his throat, together with whatever else seemed to have gotten stuck in it. "Yes, that would seem for the best," he conceded somewhat begrudgingly, looking like he ate a whole roast mutton stuffed with a generous serving of the ripest lemons. Ah, the satisfaction, Loki thought, already thinking of the endless ways to throw the hammer in Thor's sour face.
Pleased with getting his way, Loki swung open the passenger door to switch places with Thor. Thank Odin he was fast enough to pull back as the now opened door was promptly torn off by some reckless human driving past with rather inconsiderately inadequate spatial judgement in a rather large specimen of those transport devices.
Just how do humans get around their planet without dying? Loki stepped out of his to date most intricate object he had ever conjured, ready to unload his wrath onto the unlucky mortal who had managed to disfigure it. Except that there also seemed to be only one human on this planet who truly could not drive.
Loki stared amused as Jane run out of her SUV with panicked eyes, waving her hands frantically in front of her.
"God, I swear I am still not doing that on purpose!"
And for my longer than usual absence, here is an extra instalment of my 3-step reviewing guide:
1) Go back to Jotunheim since it is Loki's favourite planet and therefore full of fun. Oh yes, and bring an extra-large carrot with you this time.
2) Place your reviewing device in front of a frozen Jotunheim beast, step back and wave the super-sized carrot vehemently in front of the beast.
3) Wait 2 seconds for beast to defrost, then run like Hel with the carrot making the beast to dart out after it. Toss carrot aside as far as you can to divert beast, then return for your instant stomped on review. Departure is optional, but highly recommended.