Disintegration of Anthony Stark (part 3)

On Monday, 0800 hrs sharp, Tony is waiting for Samski to come, a bag on the floor next to him. The doctor is five minutes late but Tony decides to forgive him that.

CT and ERCP are familiar; Tony appreciates the doctor's effort to make him feel at ease when he is put into a private room after the second procedure, just like the first time.

Samski comes an hour later.

'Sorry it took that long,' he says, sitting at the edge of Tony's bed. 'I wanted to consults,' he adds and Tony's stomach twists painfully. Consult, it means something is wrong enough that one doctor can't make the right decision.

It's exaggerating and panicking but Tony can't make himself not do that.

'The tumor has appeared in a slightly different place than before, here,' Samski shows an area on the printout. 'It is stage 2A, there is some tissue here – and here – affected,' he adds, pointing to another places. 'It's bigger than the first tumor, which is atypical; usually, it takes it a long time to grow to this size… And I am sure we haven't missed anything. Given how it looks currently, we can't do a surgery –'

Tony is glad he is drowsy after the ERCP anesthesia – and in half lying position – because really does feel like he's going to faint this time –

'Tony, calm down, you're breathing too fast,' he hears Doc's words and the man's hands wrap around his shoulders. 'Calm. Down. You're gonna be okay, right? We will do everything that is possible. Don't worry. You're in the best hands. You. Will. Be. Okay,' Doc says firmly, his voice loud and almost making Tony's head hurt, but he trusts the man and manages to calm down slowly.

He knows he shouldn't, he knows it's all lies, but believing in them is – is okay. For now.

'We will give you radiation, two courses for three weeks, one week break – that's what I consulted – and it should make the tumor smaller; it won't go away, but it should enable us to remove it surgically. You might need a major surgery this time, maybe partial liver resection, maybe Whipple's – we will decide about that after the radiotherapy – so no worrying about that now. All right?'

Tony nods.

'Do you understand what I have just told you?'

'Yes,' Tony verbalizes, his voice surprisingly strong. 'Yes. Okay. When do I start?'

'On Monday,' Samski replies, but he's a bit more reluctant this time. Tony frowns. Doc doesn't move. 'But I – I can't be your doctor now, Tony. I am sorry – don't get me wrong. But I have work and family in L.A. and I would need to be here, I can't come here on daily basis.'

'It's okay,' Tony assures the man. It really is, he understands; he is even glad that the man doesn't want to make the wrong decision to help Tony at his family's expenses. Tony would never let him, anyway.

'I will handle your case over to one of the doctors I consulted with. Doctor Levy, she is one of the best specialists – I would say she is better than me, so I feel comfortable with recommending her. Do you agree to that?'

'Yeah, I guess…'

'I will call her and ask when she's available, okay?'

'All right,' Tony agrees again and gives Doc a weak smile. 'She at least pretty?'

'I think she is, you know, rather young for such a good doctor. Pretty, well, you will see,' Doc tells him and looks around the room. 'Connect four?'

'If you insist,' Tony replies rolling his eyes. Samski leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.

'Doctor Levy said she can come over today evening. Here. After she's agreed take over my case, just based on the consultation and the history of your treatment – I told her it's about you. That's okay, right?'

'She would learn that anyway,' Tony admits, sighing. 'Did she freak out?'

'She just said fuck several times, and then she called you the poor little bastard.'

'I think I like her already,' Tony decides.

Doc stays all afternoon and evening and it's more than Tony hoped for.

Levy comes at seven sharp; first she goes to talk with Samski, Tony knows, since the man has a plane back home soon; and the she comes into the room, bearing Tony's documentation and a giant handbag. She is rather pretty, even if not Tony's usual type: medium-height, a bit on the chubby side, brown hair, freckles, hazelnut eyes, wearing a simple shirt and jeans, no high heels in sight.

'Your life is a mess, isn't it?' is the first thing she says to Tony pulling a chair closer to his bed and placing her bag and the folders on the table. Tony chuckles and she flashes him a grin. 'So, I've read all your medical documentation…' she starts and Tony discovers how it is to meet a person that doesn't stop talking, well, a person other than himself.

She answers all of his questions honestly, even the problematic ones, and Tony is so fucking thankful for that. It takes a long time and it's almost half past nine when Tony's out of things to ask about. She tells him the radiation he'll get now will be different kind and it doesn't have more side effects normally, but given that he'll simple get more, he's more likely to suffer from stomach problems: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and will be more tired, obviously. Tony can hardly imagine more tired but well, he'll just need to get used to it.

'I will see you on Monday, then,' she says before she leaves. Tony nods in acknowledgement.

He goes home, too, but he can't sleep, so instead of the rest he is supposed to be getting, he goes down to the library and tries to figure out what to do with his life now.

On Wednesday morning – Tony's managers to get full four hours of sleep, more than he' expected – he goes to work as if nothing has happened and refuses to give Pepper any answers because he hasn't decided yet how to resolve the whole situation. There are so many thing that need to be taken into consideration that it's hard to make the pieces fit.

Tony end up doing one thing that seems quite silly, but in the end helps him a lot: he looks for answers in the internet. It's surprising how many amazing things people share there, he decides.

The magical method that works for him turns out to be something he's failed to come up with by himself, even though it is rather logical and obvious: a simple list of priorities. Tony decides to be completely honest with himself because really, it's not a time for games.

So, Iron Man is pretty close to the top. Well, doing good things is pretty close to the top, or maybe at the top, and Iron Man is just a tool – just like Rives. And it's Nate's identity, Tony realizes, that gives him most satisfaction, even though it's always been nothing more than backup, because there are no expectations. None at all. It might be silly, but he feels – attached to the way he created the man to be; it's Tony Stark's public persona's opposite on so many levels and it feels right.

You have everything – and nothing, Yinsen said and Tony will never forget that. Tony Stark has everything and nothing.

Iron Man is – he is an Avenger and a superhero, but a man whose identity cannot be revealed, and any kind of relationship he might create will be limited to his teammates and maybe other S.H.I.E.L.D.'s agents. And that's – limiting. It's good at times, but not all the time… Iron Man does big things, but it's not every day, and the time in between – it must be filled with something.

And Stark International and the whole deal, Tony finally admits to himself, it's nothing but a burden at this point. The government still wants Tony to go back to producing weapons, the masses want him to say that he was wrong and that he is at fault when it comes to the scandal and he won't, the media keep bashing him – that's not too bad – and the company – that's much worse – and even though they all work hard. Tony is not going to be able to work hard enough, though, he realizes, it'll be a miracle if he manages to work his current schedule around the radiotherapy… And the ongoing trial makes the business world generally mistrustful. It's all blown out of proportion, but it's kind of the higher you fly the further you fall situation.

Tony murmurs that to himself and suddenly, he knows he has this most brilliant idea ever.

'Give the fucking crowd what it wants,' Tony tells JARVIS with a gleeful smile.

'I'm not sure what you mean, sir,' the A.I. replies quickly. Means worried.

'You know what they all want? They want to see me fall, because it's spectacular and that's how human nature works, even if you wouldn't know yourself, baby. Everyone loves seeing other people's tragedies, it makes you feel better. Stronger. Proud of yourself that it's not you.'

'I'm still not sure –'

'Patience, baby,' Tony laughs. 'Remember what they've been saying about me? For years? So, I've been a sex addict, a drug addict, an alcoholic, I've been unstable and insane – that's been a thing after Afghanistan – we can give them some of that. One thing at least.'

'Sir, what you're trying to say is –'

'That I am going to… sabotage myself, in a way? Yes. That's what I'm trying to say,' Tony admits and laughs. It is, undeniably, a bit hysterical, but he feels strangely – free.

'There is no logic in that, sir.'

'There is a twisted logic in that, J,' Tony explains, the grin plastered on his face. 'You know I've been… not too well since I came back from Afghanistan and you know why. I've been doing everything possible to make SI go back to what it's been before, to make things right… But all of that's been just – you know. They hated it. All the comments, all the mistrust, all the imagined problems, I've been trying to deal with it, but once you've fallen out of grace, well. You're fucked. And Stane's trial just makes it a continuous trouble because people keep being reminded,' Tony says with a sigh. 'I didn't manage to make difference for what, ten months? Doing all I could. And now, I – I won't be able to. It's going to end badly and I cannot let those morons on board or anyone take SI away from me and turn it into whatever they might want. Something I would hate.'

'So, you will ask miss Potts?' JARVIS deduces, gaining another smile.

'No, not exactly. I'm not going to ask her, really. She has good publicity, but she needs to be cut off from me openly, she must be placed on the opposite side – and I know exactly how to do that. It's gonna hurt, sure, and I'll hate doing that to Pepper – and to Rhodey, don't' forget Rhodey, he will be back from his mission in January – but they of all people needs to believable or nothing will work…'

'Yes, sir?'

'Like I said: give the wolves what they want. Stage everything the way that no one will know. Be the once in control – and that's what I intend to do.'

'Sir?'

'I'm gonna disappear, baby,' Tony tells JARVIS seriously. 'Maybe it's a coward's way out, but I'm not above being a coward now.'

'You are everything but, sir,' the A.I. assures Tony.

Telling Happy – because Tony's decided to tell the man everything – is… a strange thing.

The man doesn't interrupt, but when Tony finishes, Happy first punches him, making his nose bleed, then brings an ice pack, makes Tony lay down and tells him that everything will be all right.

And then declares that he is going to go with him.

'There will be no position here for me, since I am your personal bodyguard,' Happy says. It does make sense, even if Tony doesn't like that. 'And no, I am not going to leave you alone in this situation, boss.'

'If you have a love confession to make, do it quickly,' Tony replies, making the man snicker. 'You don't have to,' he adds softly.

'I know I don't have to, we've been through this so many times. I want to. Just one thing – is it going to be… permanent? Forever?'

'I don't know. It depends on the –' Tony pauses unsurely, making a face, '– the cancer, I guess. I haven't been really thinking too far into the future. You know.'

'Okay,' Happy agrees. 'Got it. Do you need some help right now?'

'The thing I have to do is the opening scene of the play now. It's gonna be short and dramatic – the play. I have three months for it, tops, before I want to be out of here.'

'Soo, a party?' Happy questions after a short pause, giving JARVIS look; the A.I., as if he was reading minds, shows the list of all of Tony's invitations to places and events.

'Something soon?'

'November 4th, Saturday, there is a 70th birthday party of the CEO of Flock's Enterprises… You could make an appearance, boss. He's gonna have lots of good alcohol to pretend to get drunk with, he's a connoisseur.'

'I'll tell Pepper to make it happen,' Tony replies. That should work.

Monday 23rd is Tony's first radiotherapy and it goes okay. It's long and annoying, with a few new dots on his abdomen, but he feels okay afterwards.

Tony decides that coming to work late – at 1000 hrs instead of 0800 hrs, since he has the radiation first thing in the morning – is only going to make his story look more believable; it's doing just what he did when he was younger and spend evenings alternating between drinks and girls. The two hours don't change that much, overall: Tony is working on his personal projects at home, so all he does in SI is the boring things. Everything feels a bit different, a bit more bearable, now that he knows he will not be doing that for years. Just a couple of months.

At least the new employees – well, not so new now, the group Tony has hired in summer – are doing very well and their projects are being appreciated. A couple more of those people to hire and Pepper will have a team that will manage to come up with enough ideas for SI to stay at the top, technologically, even without Tony's input.

There are so many things he needs to wrap up – and the strange thing is, all this farce, all this game, all this madness, it seems natural. It seems quite right.

Iron Man appears at the monthly meeting normally. It takes place on November 2nd as Coulson has been away somewhere, and everyone is present this time. Iron Man and gets a solo mission; it's a hostage recovery again, he's the man for the job, the sooner the better, so he leaves just after the meeting and comes back home a few hours before the party.

Pepper is mad at him for disappearing even though he answered of her calls claiming he had this greatest idea and he locked himself down in the workshop; JARVIS will keep his secret safe. Luckily he does have a few projects in reserve for situations like this, so he send her the project info and the bribe works – at least relatively well.

At the party, Tony is a social butterfly, almost stealing the spotlight from the birthday boy himself, but he doesn't cross the line. He drinks a bit and pretends to drink a lot, more than he should, and acts accordingly.

There were at least three people in his life who told him he'd make an even better actor than he is an engineer. That's pretty accurate.

Tony can't bring himself to be embarrassed when he is supposedly acting out of order, nothing too crazy, but his voice is a bit too loud and his movements a tad too chaotic; it all works perfectly. People stare and whisper, Pepper orders him to calm down and finally walks him out of the ball, charming smile on her face, well before midnight.

'I love you, Peppy,' he murmurs as she shoves him into the limousine. The words are a little slurred, exactly as they should be, and as genuine as it goes.

'You always say that when you are drunk,' she replies, shutting the door behind herself.

'Mhmmmm,' Tony murmurs, trying to rest his head on her shoulder but she moves away and he flinches groggily. It's an exhausting game, but Tony decides he's doing very well. And Happy must have a lot of fun, even if he keeps his face totally straight.

Sunday morning, Tony is greeted with the three brunettes commenting the party and his behavior – clearly, going back to his old habits, overusing alcohol, is he really capable of being a CEO right now, that kind of thing – and for the first time he is happy with that they are doing.

It won't really make the stocks drop that much, he knows, and when Pepper takes over SI, everything will work out fine because she's a miracle on two long legs.

For the next few days, he makes point of acting slightly odd, appearing slightly disheveled, all the jazz, and the gossip magazines are slowly picking the bait.

Perfect, Tony decides. Painful but perfect.

On 20th Tony – well, Nate Rives – gets a letter from Riverside, yet again thanking him for the donation and offering him a visit to the place he's supporting, but he says he has to refuse for now. He is supposedly living in London, anyway.

The same day Tony starts the other three weeks of radiotherapy; it appears to be working fine, according to Levy. A week of break was not enough for the nausea he's been experiencing to go away completely, but at least that is nothing worse than that. Not yet, at least.

And not for long.

Three days into the course, Tony goes back home instead of going to work, and spends most of the day hunched over the toilet bowl. JARVIS tells Pepper Tony's locked himself down in the workshop again – the best way to make her stay out of his house – and calls Happy, who's been running errands.

Happy stays with Tony all afternoon, giving him electrolytes mixture and entertaining Tony by reading him news from trash gossip magazines, the titles mostly along Has Tony Stark really changed? or Tony Stark out of control again and maybe Has the pressure done it to him this time?

'It's cruel,' Tony rasps out at some point, making Happy blink in confusion. 'It hurts when I laugh,' he explains. Happy just rolls his eyes and continues reading anyway.

The next day isn't much better, but Tony gets an antiemetic and it helps; he can't really look at food but at least he's not throwing up all the time. He goes to SI for a few hours, does his usual routine twice as quickly as normally, and leaves in hurry only to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Friday isn't any better either – and around 1300 hrs Iron Man gets a call from Coulson; it's an emergency: some of AIM's rogue robots seem to be attacking a small town in Pennsylvania.

Tony gets up from the bed feeling a bit dizzy, but before he can even dress himself, JARVIS sends the information to Coulson that Iron Man cannot come.

'What. The. Fuck?' Tony asks, his voice too calm, stressing each word separately, ignoring how the words echo in his head when he says them.

'You are in no condition to fight, sir,' JARVIS replies calmly. 'I cannot let you fly into a battle in this state.'

'They need me – they need Iron Man!,' Tony exclaims, standing up and walking to the wardrobe just a bit unsteadily.

'Sir, be rational. Agent Coulson assured you that if you are unable to respond to as assemble call, it's acceptable. I've just had a look at what's happening there: they will easily manage without you. The Hulk is enough to keep the robots contained.'

'But it's going to take them time to get there –'

'The team is halfway already, ETA seven minutes. It's Pennsylvania and we are in New York, sir,' JARVIS adds sassily, making Tony crack a smile.

'Okay,' Tony breathes after a moment of pause. 'Okay.'

It would be okay if the same thing hasn't happened the next week, too, and Tony can't go again – this time he wouldn't even dream of it, he's quite sure than any kind of violent movement like flying and fighting would make him vomit even after the antiemetic, and inside the suits that – gross. And a very bad idea.

Coulson says it's no problem, but of course the problem – again, again, again – is the media. Tony is okay with the Tony Stark being commented, since he's playing his part perfectly well, but the newspapers are questioning Where is Iron Man? and accusing him of not treating his role – privileged role – as an Avenger seriously; someone even writes it's almost treason, but at least that's too drastic for people to believe in.

The second week is better, Tony doesn't understand why but he's thankful for that. He appears at work almost normally, supervises projects, goes to board meetings and business meetings and all that – making an point of keeping his game: it's about creating an illusion of appearing to be a bit drunk and trying to hide it, while in truth it's the other way round.

With his personal history – that's a bit sad, probably – it isn't difficult to make people believe the act. Stage everything the way that no one will know.

He is fully aware he doesn't have to do that and there is still backing away, but the last thing he wants is everybody's pity. It's better to have them believe he's only continuing the family tradition; it's an open secret that Howard has been drunk-driving that night when he and Maria died.

It's better this way.

Besides taking care of Tony Stark's gossip life, Nate Rives' affairs and Iron Man, Tony knows he needs to prepare a good base for Pepper's future rule in Stark International, what means executing his initial plan at making them appear on opposite sides in public.

Easy thing: agree to an interview on TV together with Pepper, regarding SI and the current gossip, and make it another part of the game. It's cruel to – use her that way, Tony knows, but he has to. He will tell her the truth a month or two after Tony Stark is off the scene, that sounds like a safe period of time.

That's exactly what Tony does; Pepper seems happy with his decision even though he refuses to talk through the questions beforehand; Tony tells her that he is a grown boy. She laughs it off, obviously, because he's been behaving a lot unlike that, even though he's been more responsible than ever before overall.

It's just this last month that is the problem, she says.

'Do you have some problem, Tony? Is something wrong?' she asks him the night before they go on TV, when she brings him some papers to sign. 'You can tell me, you know that.'

'It's okay, Pepper, I've never been better,' Tony assures her, what makes her stare at him suspiciously. 'No, really,' he lies further, acting perfectly in character. He hates lying, but in this case, well, it's impossible not to. Tony kind of hates himself for that but – it's all on purpose.

'You've been drinking a lot –'

'I have always been drinking a lot –'

'– more than usually. Well, more than usually recently. You know what I mean.'

'You exaggerate, Pepper. A one situation or two –'

'You promised me you'd act responsibly and you are not doing that.'

'I try to,' Tony says and it's true, it is honest and raw and she blinks at that in his voice. Mix lies with truth and it'll be the best to make them believe in everything.

'Okay,' she sighs, taking the papers he's just signed. 'Okay. Just do what is best for you and for Stark International tomorrow, okay? We need some good word about you.'

'I promise,' Tony says with conviction and Pepper seems satisfied, only that she doesn't know how completely different their visions of the best are.

'I will miss Pepper,' Tony tells JARVIS as he's dressing up for the interview the next evening. Dark green suit, beige shirt, no tie, all perfectly in style for Tony Stark. 'I am so fucking alone and it's all my fault,' he murmurs. JARVIS doesn't reply. 'Keep an eye on her for me, okay?'

'Of course, sir,' the A.I. replies straight away. Tony gives the last look to his reflection in the mirror and nods approvingly; he grabs his wallet, a bottle of water and goes down to the garage where Happy is waiting for him in the car.

'Act two, scene one?' he asks, making Tony snicker. It's a bit too hysterical for his liking, a bit too panicked – it's just a bit scary to think he's just breaking his own life in to pieces, even though he is sure that it will be better afterwards, that he will be happier – but he composes himself quickly. Back to the casual sassy nonchalance he's famous for in 1.4 seconds.

'In the withered, waveless solitude, the dented mask is dancing. Half of the world is sand, the other half mercury and dormant sunlight,' Tony recites, gaining a small applause from the chauffeur. 'Let's go,' he tells Happy who immediately drives out of the building, taking a longer way round to the studio to pick Pepper up.

She nods approvingly when she sees Tony; he's made a good job applying make up the way it covers the dark bags under his eyes and appears invisible at the same time.

'Let's dance,' he whispers to himself just before the host invites them onto the scene, and then everything goes according to the plan, right until Tony, answering to a question about the recent rumors about his slightly erratic behavior says this:

'Yes, I admit I have a problem.'

The host blinks and shakes his head as if he didn't believe; the audience is suddenly quiet. Pepper is perfectly composed – well, to everyone but Tony, because he knows her too well and can tell that her thoughts are racing and she's internally struggling between shouting at him, demanding what is he thinking and maybe, maybe saying I want to help you, but that might be just Tony's imagination.

'Isn't that what you wanted to hear?' he asks, looking at the people's faces. 'I thought you've been waiting for me to admit that for weeks, if not months.'

Then the host laughs, and everyone else does, too.

'That's a sweet thing to say, Tony, but I think it's not the truthful answer to the question,' Pepper speaks up first, giving Tony a perfect smile and a murderous glare, but he ignores it.

'You got me there, Tony,' the host says, chuckling, and Tony raises an eyebrow.

'Well, a sad thing then, because I wasn't joking.'

'Tony –' Pepper starts, but the host cuts in, his attention now focused on Tony.

'Does that mean that Miss Potts didn't know anything about this… situation?'

'I never told her anything,' Tony admits, not looking at Pepper. 'You have all been right, I guess. I've had a hard time since – Afghanistan. And –'

'It must have been more difficult for you, recently, with Stane's trail, the accusations towards you and Stark Industries…'

'It's not exactly pleasant, I can't say,' Tony replies with a practiced smile. 'Therefore I want to apologize for what I've been doing. Even if I have been enjoying myself immensely,' Tony adds, winking at the camera, and Pepper lets out a hiss on his right. The audience laughs a bit, but it dies down soon.

'So, you've been what, acting as the CEO of Stark International… not exactly sober?'

'I haven' been doing that for a long time – it's been Pepper running the business for me. I would just throw all the board members out and do things my way,' he adds, making Pepper turn towards him and give him a stare saying if you don't shut up now, you're going to be in trouble and I'm not joking.

'Tony,' she just says, with a smile, and turns towards the host. 'Don't believe Mister Stark, he has been doing a really good job as CEO, even despite the other obligations –'

'Certainly honey, I've been a busy one,' Tony quips in, making the audience laugh and Pepper shake her head slightly. Tony blinks at copies the movement, but he act just the same as he did before.

It's not long before the interview is finished and Tony, in his head, labels it perfectly successful: it was exactly what he wanted. A slight change of the balance between him and her, people seeing that she disapproves of his silly behavior, even if she defends him, Tony acting just like he wanted – and all the newspapers the next day quoting him saying I admit I have a problem.

They also all make note of how Pepper – Miss Potts – has been trying to keep him in check and not really managing, and generally sympathizing with her. Check. Calling her more rational and down-to-earth, check. Admitting by the way she behaved, despite her verbal denial, that she's the one who organizes everything for Tony, therefore keeping SI from falling apart even further, check.

Pepper hates it all.

She shouts at him when they are in the limo and then doesn't speak with him for two days at all, what is an incredible feat given that they spend a lot of time working together.

Tony is a bit anxious about the December Avengers meeting, given how he fucked up twice within a month, but when he goes into the conference room, no one is looking at him with anger – or annoyance, even. They say hello and sit in their usual spots, with coffee and a bag of cheese-flavored Cheetos, of all things, on the table.

Coulson doesn't even ask him to file any paperwork related to his absence.

Huh. So he was telling the truth. One god thing, Tony decides.

'No team mission for you this month again,' Coulson says in the end. 'Consider it a Christmas gift. Whoever has their personal ops, you take care of it normally. And one more thing – if you'd all agree, I don't see why not, we should establish sparring sessions for the whole team. Surely I don't have to explain you why, the question here is only how. Spider Man. Iron Man. This is s question to you, mostly, because everyone else here is easily accessible.'

'Weekends,' Spider Man says immediately. 'Could do with weekends, I guess.'

'Agreed,' Tony replies. It seems like the most sensible of all options, ever though Tony would prefer not to take part in the whole deal at all; it's not like he does much teamwork but give a lift to Hawkeye occasionally and may provide air support when needed. There haven't even been enough situations of the whole team fighting together.

'First Sunday? S.H.I.E.L.D. trains on Sundays. Not always works, not everyone, but training is in seven days a week,' Barton states, putting a handful of Cheetos into his mouth. Romanov rolls her eyes and sighs disapprovingly.

'Works for me.'

'Yeah, sure,' Iron Man agrees. One Sunday a month is all right. 'Starting?'

'January,' Coulson replies, browsing his papers. 'Yeah, January 7th.'

Everyone murmurs something is agreement and they all stand up, talking to each other and even wishing the others Merry Christmas – that's Spider Man, the resident smartass – and before Tony can leave, Banner calls his name.

'You all right?' he asks, making Tony frowns. Iron Man stays impassive.

'Yes. I am.'

'I just thought something might have happened since you couldn't be there with us. In Pennsylvania. Since you know, a man inside the suit…'

'You could call that personal trouble,' Tony chuckles and Iron Man does so, too, making Bruce frown for a second and grin.

'I like that artificial laughter,' he says. 'It sounds almost human, despite your voice being flat as it is… But anyway, I'm glad it's nothing serious.'

'I will try to prevent it happening in the future, the first two spontaneous things that have happened and I couldn't – I was annoyed. It's really a great feeling fighting with the good side, I am sure you'd agree.'

'Definitely,' Banner admits, shifting slightly. Tony hopes it's nothing too touchy.

'Were the robots anyhow interesting?' he asks, changing the subject, and Banner just sighs.

'Interesting, well, you could say so. More likely acting like broken toys wreaking havoc and not much more… They definitely weren't as neat as any of Stark's stuff,' Banner ads and Tony freezes inside the armor; fortunately no one can see that as Iron Man remains unmoving. 'But, I don't want to keep you. You're always in hurry. Let me copy Spider Man and wish you Happy Christmas, hoping that there won't be any trouble we'd need to take care of just before the holidays.'

'Better for the humanity,' Tony offers and Banner chuckles. 'Yeah. Happy holidays,' he adds and gives Coulson a wave before leaving the room.

The next few days are exhausting and boring, in a way. Tony continues the game, Pepper is mad at him again, Tony meets with Doc for a movie night but ends up falling asleep after fifteen minutes of the movie.

On 8th, Friday, Tony has the last radiation; doctor Levy orders a set of examinations for Monday to see how the tumor is exactly before the surgery. On Saturday, there is the annual Stark International Christmas Ball which Tony goes to and act nicely up until 2200 hrs and then it takes him a full hour before Pepper drags him out of the room in a graceful manner only she can manage; she takes care of the gala herself, not even looking back at Tony. Happy helps him in the car and as soon as the doors are closed, Tony drops the act, takes his tie off and unbuttons his cuffs. Happy offers him a bottle of mineralized water and a small smile.

'You wanted it, boss,' he says and it doesn't really help, but Tony appreciates the honesty.

'Yeah, I did,' he agrees, drains half of the bottle and gestures at Happy to start the car. 'Let's go home. Pepper will do perfectly well on her own.'

'That she will,' Happy agrees.

Back in the house, Tony puts the suit on tells Happy goodbye and flies to Malibu. It's almost midnight there when he arrives.

He leaves the suit in the workshop – it's so good to be in the space that he feels so familiar with – and goes to the beach. It's rather cold, so he doesn't walk barefoot this time, he puts in proper shoes and a coat and even a scarf and a hat. It would be bad if he caught a cold a few days – before.

It feels like a very good copy of the last time he was there: it's only colder, but the sky, the stars, the ocean are the same. The wind is surprisingly warm, too.

'I hope it's not the last time I'm here,' Tony murmurs to himself, but the words get lost within the wind. 'It better not be the last fucking time,' he adds and it sounds like a promise.

On Monday, Tony goes to see doctor Ley and stays in the clinic for two day; there are tests and more tests; everything seems okay, she says. The tumor is a bit smaller so the surgery might not be as invasive as she has feared.

'I will have a team of surgeons with myself. They will sign the paperwork you requested, non-disclosure statement…. We'll do the surgery on Friday, 10 a.m., is that okay with you?'

'Yeah, sure,' Tony agrees. 'Can I get out in between?'

'We'll need you here Thursday at non. I can let you out now, but be here on time. Obviously.'

'I will,' he promises and leaves; when he's in the car, he asks Happy to swing by his favorite Thai place. 'I want something really spicy and crazy,' he tells the man. 'I don't know when I will be able to eat that again. You know.'

'Sure, boss,' Happy just says and does as he's asked.

The food bought, they go back home and eat and when they are done with the main dish and the dessert, Tony goes down to the office and looks through the numerous projects that he's managed to complete to leave for Pepper and SI, done when everyone though he was getting drunk and had sex with some random girls; there are still enough of those claiming to have slept with him.

Wednesday morning, Tony goes back to the office and the first thing he does is destroy some files that shouldn't be seen by anyone but him. Done with that, he makes himself a cup of coffee and sandwich and curls up in the armchair.

'JARVIS, I want you to make a simulation of what I will – what I will look like, Rives will look like, when we do everything as planned. Show me,' the A.I. does that obediently and Tony eyes the pictures critically. 'Percentage?'

'Given that, according to your plans, no one will be looking for Tony Stark, and there are no reference files that could be used for comparison, the probability that him and Nate Rives will be suspected to be the same person is 6.3%, sir.'

'Well, I guess we can't get anything better… Use the simulation for Rives' documents and have them ready for me when – when I am back. Or Happy will pick them up, if it will be necessary.'

'Of course, sir,' JARVIS agrees.

'All the paperwork for Pepper done?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Print it for me… The suits are secured?'

'Again, yes, sir.'

'You're an angel, J…' Tony murmurs, closing his eyes and messaging temples. He's been doing very good job at ignoring the fear slowly raising in his guts. Well, panic is a better word. Tony has never been a man who gets scared easily, but the waiting is terrifying, especially that he doesn't know what to expect, the doctors can't tell him for sure what they will need to resect, and there is always, every single second, a thing inside his body that is killing him. Slowly.

'You keep saying that, sir,' JARVIS comments, cutting in his thoughts. A moment later Dummy rolls with the documents and Tony signs them with a flourish and puts them into a paper folder.

'Have the bots pack everything I need for – the hospital. I trust you to know what that will be and I trust them to do it nicely, okay? I go to SI now, need to talk with a few people, and I should be back in the afternoon. Tell Happy,' he adds; the bodyguard is doing his workout routine in the gym right now.

In SI Tower, Tony talks with his favorite R&D employees, as well as the new ones: he's hired seven of them two weeks prior and they've been acclimatizing themselves with the company, doing rather well; the whole new crew, now consisting of Irvin, Berry, Gilbert and sixteen young people is probably the best thing that has happened to SI in a long time and Tony is sure, really sure, they will be the core of the new research team that will rock the world.

While Tony is not there.

The rest of the day passes quickly; Tony gets a burger for late lunch and spends the afternoon in his workshop in the tower, then he goes back home and eats dinner with Happy.

Coulson gets a note saying that Iron Man will be unavailable until the end of the month, unless it's a life and death situation, and asks to be forgiven for the problems. The agent writes back saying that he hopes everything is all right. We value our people, he writes and that makes Tony smile. More likely need than value, but okay.

'If it is life and death situation, the end of the world kind of situation,' Tony tells Happy when they are finishing the dinner, 'I want you to come in.'

'Me,' the man snickers and rolls his eyes, but then he notices Tony is completely serious. 'Me? Are you sure you are feeling all right, boss?'

'I am, I am. But if it really is life or death, well – you can refuse – I made a suit that will fit you. JARVIS knows everything, I just finished it a few days ago… We can go flying, when I'm back, if you want. Or you can, if I'm –'

'Stop right there, Tony,' Happy says, making Tony look up sharply. The man hardly ever calls him anything but boss. 'You better keep your word and fly with me, you idiot,' he adds and gives Tony a hug.

'I won't fall asleep tonight,' Tony murmurs into the man's shoulder, feeling awkward but kind of nice, at the same time. 'Movie night?'

'You pick the movies,' Happy replies and that's exactly what they do.

Pepper comes to Tony's apartment at 9 a.m., just like he asked her the previous day, and Tony waits for her in the small 'shop, tinkering with one of the bots' arms, since the joint has just malfunctioned recently. She stands in the doorway, staring at him, so Tony sighs, musters up all the courage he says and, masks in place, turns around to face her.

'Given everything that has been happening, Pep, and the fact that you know, I've been… irresponsible, or something, losing control, you can say, and I'm conscious enough to know what I've stepped into, runs in the family, and conscious enough to know that I'm too messed up to keep doing – all this –' Tony makes a vague gesture, hand shaking a slightest bit, 'I, hereby, irrevocably, appoint you chairman and CEO of Stark Industries. Effective immediately. Congratulations, you will do a great job.'

Pepper is silent for a few moments, but then she speaks up in disbelief.

'You are insane. And you've – you've been drinking.'

'Both are the exact reasons, Peppy,' Tony replies, smiling charmingly. 'Now shoo. All the paperwork was sent to Legal a few minutes ago. When you go back to the tower, it's all yours. They are waiting.'

'You're crazy –'

'You can't make me take it back,' Tony quips in. True. 'You will do great,' he adds, giving her a virtual kiss. 'Now, shoo, I have things to do,' he says and basically pushes her out of the room.

'Is she gone?' he asks JARVIS a few minutes later, when the join is all fixed.

'Yes, sir.'

'Tell Happy I am ready,' Tony says, looks around the room for the last time, and leaves, too.

The next few hours are hectic; Tony gets admitted and meets the whole team of doctors that will operate him; it all feels unreal and strange to be surrounded with the white-clad silhouettes. Doc is there with him, though, and Happy who is Tony's recently appointed next of kin, just – just in case. They have discussed it, all of the decisions that he might have to make, if, if, if. At some point, maybe. If.

Tony lets Doc and Happy occupy his mind with everything but, it's probably better not to think at this point, just – accept things as they come.

It still doesn't feel real.

It doesn't feel fucking real at all. Tony can't help but wonder if everyone feels this was or it's just him. It seems to be one of those human things though, the things that Tony has managed to avoid or repress for a good portion of his life

Somehow, Tony manages to fall asleep at night for a few hours; maybe it is something he is given, because there were quite a few pills he swallows without asking what they are; he would be given an answer, he knows, but he didn't really feel like asking. His scientific mind doesn't exactly demand explanations now.

In the morning, there are a few more tests and when he's deemed ready for the surgery. The last thing he remembers is the anesthesiologist telling him to count from ten to one.

When he wakes up, the first thing he feels is numbness, mixed with pain, and several things attached to his body in various places. He remembers perfectly well – everything. But he is on too many sedatives, probably, to feel panicked, but he knows his heart should be beating fast with anticipation.

'Good morning, boss,' Happy's voice greets him and a moment later the man comes into view. Tony frowns a bit, not able to read anything from Happy's face.

'How did it –'

'Wait until the doctor comes and checks up on you,' Happy tells him, patting his hand clumsily. 'She will know you've woken up, she will be here any minute now –' the man manages to say before Levy comes into the room, Doc following her closely. Tony studies them briefly without blinking.

'Don't tell me,' he tells them. 'I can see it in your faces,' he adds, and he really imagines he can. 'Right?'

There is no answer. Right.

'We, well, opened your body,' Levy starts; sure it's easier for her, they've known each other for two months only, not decades. 'The tumor was a bit different than we thought, given the tests' results… It's unresectable. We couldn't really do anything, we just sew you closed and let you rest.'

There is a long moment of silence.

'How long do I have?' Tony asks finally and it's calmer and more calculated that he'd ever expect of himself. It's probably shock, he realizes. Some time before the rational knowledge sinks in for real.

'It depends on what you decide to do, Tony,' Doc speaks up, stepping closer to the bed. 'If it's not treated, one year, maybe a bit longer – but we could do palliative radiotherapy, the tumor has been responding quite well to what we've been giving you, all things considered. It would be a bit lighter, so you'd feel better, less side effects… That would give you two to three years, we can't give you more detailed estimation now.'

'Don't you dare to say you're sorry, anyone,' Tony says quickly, before they can do exactly that. 'Please.'

Tony never says please.

'We can let you out tomorrow, you'll have to take care of the stitches. There is no need to keep you here any longer than that. How about you take your time until January to think? There isn't so much hurry now,' Levy says softly.

'Okay,' Tony agrees. 'Okay.'

When Tony leaves the hospital, he goes straight home and the first thing he notices is a huge box addressed in a swirly writing to Nate Rives on the kitchen table. He opens it reluctantly and it turns out to be filled with handmade Christmas cards. Tony grins so widely that his face almost hurts, throws all of them onto the table, sits cross-legged on the chair and goes through them one by one, methodically, reading the wishes inside, some of them sloppy and some neat, some with drawings and some with collages, some glittery, some black and white.

There are twenty seven.

It really makes his day.

The next thing he notices is a package with Nate Rives' documents, perfect condition, the photo resembling what Tony will look like.

Then Tony goes to sleep; Doc gave him sleeping pills; he's known Tony long enough to know that otherwise there would be no sleeping at all.

Pepper comes by the next morning to ask if Tony is planning to come to a New Year's Eve party. He hasn't expected to – to be able to, but he says yes. Pepper makes him promise he'll behave. Tony says he will do his best.

'If you need any kind of help or anything at all, Tony – I don't want to see you struggling like that. I just –'

'I know, I will,' Tony assures here; he would if what she thinks – because he makes her think that – was true. It's not.

Tony has managed to read some of the papers from the day after Pepper being announced as the new CEO of SI and, unsurprisingly, they are not rather doubtful, but they all say that she is going to be a positive change after Tony himself. He agrees completely.

She looks happy. The change is small but obvious; Tony sees it only because he's been looking for it.

New Year's Eve party is, as Happy calls it, the first scene of the third act.

'I wouldn't be surprised at this point if you write a play about me,' Tony comments. Happy's smirk is kind of suspicious, but Tony knows the man is just playing with him.

New Year's Eve party is all Pepper has been anxious about and even though Tony doesn't really cause a scene – even if he'd like to, kind of, he's been feeling particularity carefree these days – because that would be too much. He's a mouthy little shit though and hits on a few wrong women, making a complete fool of himself, and ends up throwing up in the bathroom, the reason being completely different from what everyone thinks it is, but it works.

Tony is home a good hour before midnight; he gets himself a glass of champagne, some pumpernickel sandwiches and asks JARVIS to play Iron Man's coming out, since it's a one year anniversary. It's a good celebration, in a way, Tony decides.

The first Avengers meeting of the year, thankfully, is postponed to January 3rd.

Coulson asks Iron Man is he is okay. Tony says yes, because Iron Man is okay: according to Doc and Levy, he should be able to live more or less normally, at least until a few months –before. And since Tony has decided to do the palliative radiotherapy, he should be okay, as okay as it gets, for a year or maybe two.

Everything could happen, but he hopes it will be – not too bad.

Doc tells him that is the good approach.

Tony smiles at that and it's even genuine.

The first radiation in planned for the middle of January is two days after Rhodey comes back from his mission; he's been away for over a hear. It's also three days after Iron Man goes for an op with the Avengers and that is a few days after their first sparring session and Tony can tell that their understanding of each other has already improved. When Tony is in the air, listening to Coulson's words pouring straight into his ear, he knows that everything will be fine and whatever they are doing right now is going to help someone; he knows that it is going to keep the Earth spinning. That sounds grand and impossible, but everything grand and impossible has to start somewhere.

Rhodey, as soon as he sees Tony, punches him in the face and then hugs him, getting blood all over his outfit. Tony begins to wonder if it's some kind of a thing.

'What the fuck do you think you are doing? Hmm? I've been in a shithole so deep that I couldn't contact you, deep covert op, and I come back and what do I learn? You fucking know what I learn!' Rhodey shouts at top voice, almost making the glass in the living room vibrate. Tony stares. 'I don't know what to do with you,' Rhodey says, shaking his head and staring at Tony intently, concern mixed with anger in his eyes.

'There is something I want to tell you,' Tony states in response, walking up to look at the night view of the city; at least he's not going to miss that. Nate's flat is already waiting and it's lovely. 'But I can't,' he adds and ignored all of Rhodey's pleading and begging, all the threats and tricks.

When Rhode finally gets that this time, he won't get anything out of Tony, he tells JARVIS to order pizza and makes Tony sit on the sofa and tell him everything that's been going on from his point of view.

Tony shares all the Anthony Stark stories. That's what Rhodey is asking about, anyway.

The only moment when it's hard to keep his act natural is when Rhodey mentions how Iron Man came to the base that he's later been transferred to and everyone was excited like kids to see the superhero. Tony has no idea what he would really say about Iron Man if he was not Iron Man himself, but Rhodey seems convinced his act.

Rhodey stays with Tony for the night but in the morning he needs to report to the base and give his reports and do some other stuff Tony can't bring himself to care about.

The next it's the last day Tony spends in the house, he doesn't go out, not even to SI: everything he wanted to take care of he did before the surgery. There are still two suitcases in his wardrobe, full of suits that have been neatly folded. Tony leaves a note via JARVIS to donate them to whoever; it's not like Tony is going to wear them a lot now.

He spends the whole night up, sitting with his feet bare and cold, forehead pressed against the glass wall, staring at the cityscape and at the room full of shadows and orange-red reflections of the city glow; it's too high for ads to be visible.

Happy sleeps soundly downstairs, Tony knows, just as he should.

In the early morning, Tony is bleary-eyed when he drinks his coffee and manages to swallow half of a dry toast. Then he packs his last personal items into bags, takes the three of them – and leaves.

Everything has been cared for: Tony's secret lab is waiting for the last items to be delivered in half an hour; the suits and bots have been transported over the last two nights. The house is cleared from everything Tony doesn't want others to see. JARVIS remains installed, of course, supervising the place. Rives' apartment is waiting for its owner.

A car is waiting for Tony with a trunk open.

'Time for us, boss,' Happy says and he almost sounds as if he didn't regret anything. Tony is quite sure he himself doesn't – nothing but hurting Pepper and Rhodey, but it's just – just for the time being. For a few months.

Tony doesn't look back.

January 14th, 2012, all the newspapers write about is the disappearance of Tony Stark. The Stark's star has fallen! and What happened behind the closed door? and, in one paper, something as simple as Tony Stark gone missing, SI CEO informs.

Iron Man flies – in his invisible suit – to Great Britain. Anthony Stark disappears from the face of Earth, Tony turns into Nate Rives and then a certain British citizen boards a London – New York 1600 hrs plane which arrives at JFK Airport at 1800 hrs local time, and soon he is greeted with those words:

'Welcome to the United States of America, Mister Rivers.'

The man smiles.

A/N: Thank you all so much for all the comments! It made me so happy to read you're enjoying this. Please tell me what you think about this piece. I hope you'll keep supporting me! :)

The next part, Was not a star on out side, is going to cover in more detail the time between Tony's last hospital stay and the New Year's Eve. It should be up sometime next week.