49 Human
There were flashes of light, and images with no sound.
FLASH
Natasha in his face surrounded by people open mouths
FLASH
jarring and moving light fuzzy
FLASH
He could hear screaming and sirens and there was no picture.
Then, there were no more images and no more sounds for a very long time, until finally, like a radio turning in, the fuzz and white noise subsiding, the volume rising, the incoherency slipped away and Steve could hear...
"I knew it, I should have been there, I should have followed him. Natalia, I'm supposed to protect him, I'm supposed to take care of him."
"Shh. Shush, come on, come here, it's okay. Shh, James, he's alive."
"But, but, I, oh, I-"
"I know, I know."
"What am I supposed to do?!"
"Oh, darling, if I knew…"
"I'm supposed to protect him. I'm supposed to… I'm supposed to take care of him, I'm his friend, I something something in Russian something something."
"Something something Russian mumbles."
"Groaning."
"More Russian. Shhh, James, shhh. Russian. Come on."
Steve listened to Natasha and Bucky carry on, things he couldn't understand, words he couldn't pick out, and after a while, he began to come to himself again, lying there with his eyes closed. He felt pain, soreness in his back, burning down his front, and hotness. He groaned in pain and Bucky yelled something and Steve could hear Natasha calming him before Steve opened his eyes, looking up at the ceiling.
"I'm," he mumbled. "M'not dead." Steve could hear Bucky starting to panic and he looked over at him to see him with his face red, eyes heavy like he hadn't slept in a week, nearly collapsed in Natasha's arms, staring at Steve. "I thought I was… Dying, I…"
There was a silence for a moment and then Bucky let out a breath and pulled away from Natasha and collapsed into the chair beside Steve's bed. Steve watched him lean over his knees and put his face in his hands. Natasha bit her bottom lip and turned away. Steve was silent.
"You promised," Bucky said hollowly, heartbrokenly, into his hands after a while and Steve swallowed. "You promised."
"I know, I…," Steve said. "There was a bomb…" Bucky laughed bitterly and Steve realized he hadn't heard his genuine laugh in a while. Not since Thanksgiving, anyway.
"Yeah!" He cried. "Yeah, I know there was a bomb! It's pretty clear now, there were some bombs! We had to restart your fricking heart, you were..." Bucky trailed off and put his face back in his hands.
"Bucky," Steve said and Bucky looked up at him and Steve realized he didn't have much more to say. Everything hurt. "I'm just… I'm sorry."
"I don't know what to do," Bucky replied and Steve looked forward and tried to close his eyes. "Are you gonna talk about it?" Steve shook his head slowly against his pillow and Bucky mumbled a resigned, "Okay."
Steve felt a gentle hand on the front of his shoulder, the shoulder that he didn't feel bandages wrapped around pain, and he opened his eyes to see Natasha there and she knelt down and kissed the top of his head sadly, then he and Bucky watched her whirl around and leave the hospital room. Bucky sighed and put his head back down again and Steve wondered about the sadness in Natasha's eyes, the way she'd looked at him like he had in fact died and she was just waiting for the funeral now and Steve felt gutted.
They sat there for a while, in silence, and Steve was trying not to think about the pain, trying not to think about the bomb, trying not to think about the suicide, and amid his desperation to avoid the pain in his body and the pain in his heart, he didn't notice Bucky take his head up from his hands and look down at them solemnly.
"I," Bucky said quietly, in a whisper, and Steve almost didn't hear. "I do it because sometimes… I still hate myself." Steve looked over, alarmed, and watched Bucky wring his hands and then stop and run his metal fingers over the back of his flesh wrist.
"What," Steve said in a breath and Bucky pressed his mouth together.
"You asked." He said coldly. "So I'm telling you." And Steve began to realize what this was, that this is what he'd been begging Bucky for. This was the explanation, previously not given, that had began Steve's sinking because he so desperately needed the strength from seeing Bucky be strong. Steve saw in his mind that burst of light and sound and pain that he had thought would remedy his survivor's guilt.
Meanwhile, Bucky turned his hand over and stared at it. He continued.
"I still feel like I deserve it sometimes. Its like I have to remind myself that I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm reminding myself that I'm-" Bucky stopped and swallowed. "I, uh, I'm…" Bucky threw his hands up then and shifted in his chair and his eyes were growing red around the edges. "Not, uh, human." He cleared his throat and spoke like he was trying not to throw up. "Anymore."
Steve stared at Bucky because he didn't know what to say.
"You're human," he said quietly and Bucky's face hardened and he shook his head.
"Don't," he said darkly, then his face changed from hardened into fallen and his voice gained an edge of sullen resignation. "Don't." There was another second of silence, thick and heavy-laden silence, and then Bucky, looking green, pushed himself to his feet and started for the door.
"Wait," Steve said and Bucky stopped and turned around and looked at him and Steve saw the Winter Soldier in the set of his mouth, the stoniness in his eyes. He couldn't imagine how Bucky could be feeling. "Next time, uh," Steve said. "Next time you feel like that, don't cut yourself up. Okay, just find me, please, I'll help you instead." Bucky looked down and his brow furrowed.
"Can you?" He said. "Are either of us really in a position to help each other anymore?"
"Bucky," Steve said and almost bit his tongue, but because he felt like it was important, he continued anyway and hoped Bucky wouldn't take it the wrong way. Steve said, "what's the point of escaping the people who tortured you if you're just going to do their job for them." Bucky's mouth opened and he stared at the ground and Steve could almost see the pain inside him, and then Bucky ground his teeth together and whirled around and left with a haste and Steve was alone.