53 Tapper

Later that evening, as Steve woke again, his small hospital room felt crowded. Bucky was pacing at the foot of his bed, his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground, and both Sharon and Natasha were there. Natasha had taken the chair and Sharon was standing in the corner with her hands folded. Steve watched them silently until Natasha noticed that his eyes were open.

"Good morning," she teased and smiled at Steve. The clock said 8:41. Steve thought it was still evening.

"Hi," Steve croaked.

"Guess what," Natasha said warmly, quietly. Bucky had stopped pacing and Sharon had stepped closer to the bed. "The doctors said you can go home in a few days."

"But you're staying in bed," Bucky added firmly and Natasha nodded her agreement.

"At least you'll be home," she added. "Especially on a holiday, it's almost the New Year."

"Happy New Year," Steve said.

"Merry Christmas," Bucky replied wearily and then he picked up something off the corner of Steve's bed and walked over to hand it to him. "Just realized it was, um, Christmas Eve, so I ran out and got you something."

It wasn't wrapped. Bucky had handed him a new box of colored pencils, a nice brand with a large selection of colors. Bucky shrugged, cramming his hands back into his pockets again.

"You haven't been drawing lately," Bucky said quietly, like an explanation. "Or much of anything, really. Thought, um, you might have run out or something."

"Thank you," Steve said and he really did appreciate it, he appreciated it a lot, but he hadn't run out. He'd just found he'd lost the will to create. "I didn't get you anything."

"Don't need anything," Bucky replied and Steve remembered them talking, about how the things they really wanted couldn't be bought. How they both would give almost anything to be happy, to just be happy. To relearn how to capture that smoke and keep it from fading away as soon as the silence came. Then, "Steve, I don't… Is there anything I can do? Anything I can say? I'd give up anything."

"For what," Steve said.

"You to be happy," Bucky replied. "Steve, I don't resent you. Okay, does that help? I don't resent you for being sick when we were kids, or for being sick now, or for anything. I'm glad to make sacrifices for you, just like you were for me."

"Resent you?" Sharon exclaimed suddenly and stepped closer to Steve, standing close to Bucky. She threw her hands up. "Resent you? Does that bother you? Who could resent you, Steve-we love you."

"Thank you," Steve said quietly.

"What are friends for," Natasha replied quietly from the other side of his bed and she smiled at him. "Happy Christmas, Steve."

"Neal was the same way," Sharon said nostalgically and folded her arms around herself. "My old boyfriend, I mean, his name was Neal Tapper. He was so selfless. He would have loved to know you, Steve." And Steve was focusing on her words, really, he was, but he watched out of the corner of his eye, Bucky suddenly grow very pale and Steve got the distinct impression that something was wrong. Bucky glanced at Sharon.

"What did you say," he said in a hushed voice.

"What?" Sharon said and Bucky started to move himself away. Steve watched him begin to rub his hand.

"Neal… Tapper, you said… Neal Tapper," Bucky said. "That's what you said?" Sharon stared.

"What, yes," she said, bewildered. "Yes, I did, what are you…"

"Oh no," Steve said.

"Natalia," Bucky said and Natasha was already standing and suddenly, the very atmosphere of the room shifted and Steve felt alarmed. Already, he could put together what had happened and he watched as Bucky grabbed Natasha, looking ill, and took her outside to talk, and Steve felt anxious. No, he thought. No, no, no.

"Natalia, I, she," Bucky stammered in Russian and Natalia attempted to calm him down as they stood outside of Steve's hospital room, whispering.

"What's wrong?" She asked and Bucky was starting to shake, out of fear, out of anxiety, he couldn't be sure.

"I killed him," Bucky said, and then rattled off four other names that he remembered from that mission. He could practically still see it, all the details he didn't want to remember, the distinct, painful emptiness, the weight of the rifle on his shoulder and the target below. "I killed him, it was me, I killed her boyfriend, I shot him. Neal Tapper. I remember it."

"Oh," Natalia gasped. "Oh, James."

"I have to face her," Bucky said in fear. "I have to tell her what I've done."

"James," Natalia said and Bucky swallowed.

"She needs to know, but I…" And Bucky felt his stomach turn, his knees go weak. His mouth was suddenly dry.

All he could hear inside him was 'Codename: Winter Soldier' and all he could see were a million different kills with a million different names and he had to remember this one.

Bucky burst back into the room and he saw Sharon and he looked into her face and he just blurted it because he knew no other way to say it, just spoke loudly and he was trembling.

He was just so sorry.

"I killed Neal Tapper in 2012. I killed him, Sharon," Bucky said and Natalia behind him was silent and Sharon's face was stunned and Steve looked crushed under the black bruises in his face and the stitches on his right cheek and the silence was almost as brash as the shouting and Bucky knew, he knew he deserved whatever she dished out to him.

But in the end, Sharon was able to close her mouth and there were tears running down her face and when Natalia grabbed his shoulders and pulled him out of the doorway, Sharon left out of it briskly, walking fast down the hospital halls until she turned a corner and Bucky couldn't see her anymore.

"I'm sorry," he said brokenly and the words formed in English in his head and tasted like Russian coming out of his mouth. "I'm so sorry."

You guys have no idea how much I wanted to fit cheesy, festive Christmas sweaters somewhere in here, but it didn't quite match the mood of the novel. XD I just thought I'd share the idea and maybe you can imagine it yourself and smile. -BB