A/N: A lot of you asked if I would be doing a chapter in Jacob's point of view, and I said no. But, I decided that it would be somewhat helpful to get into his head and see how he feels about all of this. I'm sorry if it seems if the plot line is dragging at the moment, but it will pick up eventually. I just wanted to get the troubles they're facing by first in regards to building their relationship.
D: Disclaimed.
Chapter Twelve
~~~JACOB~~~
Insecure.
His biggest weakness and probably my worst enemy. Of course I'm aware that I'm the reason for it, it plagues my existence everyday. But Sebastian is the only one who can keep me going –the only one who can help me move forward. And it may seem like I'm putting my every reason in his hands, but I'm not. He's the only one I could ever trust, the only one I can rely on to make it possible to open my eyes every morning.
I've said it before, but it's true. My dedication is to him and only him. I would choose him over my pack if I had to, I would choose him over my father, over my family, over his family.
If I could change the past, I would. I would make sure that I hadn't caused the pain and insecurities he faces today. I'd be the one to protect him from whoever justified him as being the enemy. I wouldn't let the others convince me to believe that what we had was never meant to be. That we were nothing but a lie, a mistake driven by the evil spirits to test if I had been a true alpha, because for an alpha to be true, he wouldn't have turned on the one person that meant the world to him; whether they be a boy or not. It shouldn't have mattered to me.
I used to live in regret, and in that moment of regret, it brought me to my lowest peak. I was conflicted with what was right and what was wrong. I knew I used to be in love with my imprints mother, that, and the fact that she is a woman. I was sure that if it weren't her, that it would be some awestruck girl that happened to cross my path and give my life purpose. Never have I expected it to be the son of the girl I thought I was in love with.
Then I made the excuse that because Sebastian was a hybrid; half-vampire and half-human, that we were in fact an abomination. We were born enemies and we should be fighting each other rather than falling in love, but that didn't chase away the constant urges to be near the pale child. It was more of a hunger for his presence, and I couldn't let anyone know that I had made every effort to be close to him as he grew before my eyes. Whether it be going to visit him and belittle the child, or hovering below his window like a lost puppy. I just couldn't let my imprint know that I longed to hold him in my arms and protect him like I was meant to do.
With the thoughts set aside of him being a hybrid, I figured that if the situation were different, that no matter how different it may have been, I'd always find my imprint in my best friend's child. Bella could have married Mike Newton and had their first son and I would most likely still imprint on the infant. It really was destiny, and I could no longer fight or hide it.
Rather than living in self-pity and degradation, from then on I had promised myself that I would no longer let Sebastian feel as if he was a mistake, that rather he be known as the miracle he really was meant to be known as. He deserved the life he longed for, and I hoped that included me.
It's quite sad that it took the words of my father to open up my eyes, and that it took so long. But it wasn't only that, but my inner wolf crying to the moon that we make amends and that I accept my fate. Sebastian was made just for me, and I needed to know that.
But then, there has always been the age difference between us. I would always question why my best friend imprinted on Claire, and how accepting he was of it. It crossed my mind more than once on how they would make this work. There was a fourteen-year gap between the two, and I kept thinking that Claire would most likely want to find someone her age, that she would open her heart to a man that could be more familiar with her. But now, I can see that she's fond of Quil, and that I'm sure that soon she will want to be more to Quil than she had expected.
Then there's Sebastian and me. There's a sixteen-year gap between us, but I can be sure that others wouldn't notice the difference. He's thirteen and I'm twenty-nine, and there are times that I'm sure his maturity level can amount to mine at times. He doesn't look thirteen, and I don't exactly look as if I'm twenty-nine. I keep convincing myself that we're only a few years apart, that he may be nineteen and I'm still twenty-one. But everyone seems to constantly remind us of it.
It's not exactly easy to compare my imprint to the others but Quil. Sam is only a couple years older than Emily, and the same goes for Jared and Kim. Rach is a couple years older than Paul, but that doesn't seem to bother them. So why is it such a problem for everyone, and why does it still bother me that I'm old enough to my imprint's teen father. I try not to let it bother me as much, but when your pack mates bring it up just to tease you, it can get on your nerves. It's not like I'm calling Rachel a cougar for being four years senior to Paul?
Not only does it bother me somewhat, but also I'm sure Sebastian has thought of it on various occasions. Could he really accept me and my decision not to age just so I could stay with him for eternity. I'm sure that his family has age gaps. From what I can recall, his father is much older than his mother, and I'm sure that they aren't the only case in their family.
Could this be me making excuses? Or could it be the fact that no one agrees that fate has put us together?
Seb hadn't exactly said he would give me a chance, but he seems to be more lenient on giving me opportunities to redeem myself. I'm hoping that I can win him over and make sure that we can move forward from here, but there's still that fear that he just might one day decide to move onto someone else and expect me to do the same. I think I would hate him if he had asked me, but I wouldn't tell him. I just wanted him to be with me, was that wrong for me to ask?
I admit that what I feel for him has changed since he was a child. What used to be my ambition to keep him safe from harm and to act as more of a big brother than anything, has began to slowly evolve into something more. I'm seeing him as a young man now, a man that I could see spending the rest of my life with and maybe marrying one day. I like to think that I've fought hard enough to finally get my happily ever after.
I find myself sometimes picturing a life beyond here. Travelling maybe? Or even going against the odds and showing the world that we can overcome all of the obstacles that society figures will get in our way. I could even see that one day we just might start our own family. If that meant adopting, or taking in other's like Carlisle and Esme had, then maybe in some way we could be the family I had hoped for.
Of course there are times that I had hoped I would have a son one day to carry on my legacy. But now that I see the impossibilities of it, I've come to accept it a lot better than I had expected. When you find yourself in love with someone strong enough, then I think that's all you need. I guess the Black name will just be continued on through my sisters; that's if Paul or Rebecca's husband allow it. But that would be the least of my problems.
As October had come and gone, Thanksgiving was approaching and Seb continued to run his thoughts passed me. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to move home anymore, and for that I was grateful. Sure he had asked for my opinion, but my opinion was always in my favor. I didn't want him to leave, and I was beginning to see that he was feeling the same way. I guess it sort of helped that Edward was still holding too much pride to have a discussion with Seb, but that didn't mean I didn't want them to rekindle their father/son relationship.
I hoped that one day that Edward and Bella would one day accept us, but that seemed farther than any of our reach. In their eyes, I would always be considered a danger to their son. Sam and the rest of the pack were still unsure of the friendship we continued to build to, and each day I'm sure it was brought to the council's concerns that their alpha might one day end up abandoning their tribe and his pack.
But I didn't care because I can say now that Seb and I are finally rebuilding the bridges I had burned so long ago. It felt refreshing that Seb was beginning to trust me again, and I never wanted to let that go. The council's opinion no longer mattered, and I knew too, that one day I would leave this place if that meant Sebastian wanted to leave. I would always be by his side, and hopefully one day the tribe would understand my decisions. I wasn't letting go of my life again.
Even though it had been a concern for Sam, he still showed his support in some ways. I could see that him and the pack were finally beginning to warm up to my imprint, and it felt good to know that they would ask about him at times, especially Emily.
"What is he doing for Thanksgiving?" She paused with a chuckle, "what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you coming here as usual, or you going to Charlie's? I don't mind Sebastian coming here if you want to invite him."
"I'm not sure," I shrugged. "Sebastian is still in the debate whether he's moving home or not, I don't think a dinner is even on his mind at the moment."
"Well maybe some family time will help." Sam chimed in, walking in the front door. "Invite him over, give him that option. Maybe he'll decide to stay."
"I thought he wasn't getting along with his dad right now." Embry asked walking in from the living area. "I figured after that, he wouldn't want to move back."
"But that's still his family." I sighed, "I'm not forcing him to choose, and I'm not going to tell him that he's making the wrong choice after how his family treated him."
"I sure the hell wouldn't give them another chance." Embry said with sincerity. I was sure that he was only stating his opinion because he is my best friend, he did always make it clear that he didn't like seeing me miserable, and that usually happened when I'm away from Seb for too long.
"I'll run it by him and see what he says." I informed them, "I promised Charlie that I would pick him up today after school."
With a wave goodbye, I headed for my truck and drove into Forks with a few things on my mind. Well a lot to be exact, and not one of them didn't involve Seb. He was a part of a lot of my thoughts lately, and I have to say that I don't mind. Sometimes I do worry that it's an obsession, and I hope that it doesn't get to the point where I'd hurt someone to get my way. Sure I believe I wont, but there's a part of me that worries I just might slip and end up kidnapping my poor imprint and keeping him away from my family.
But then, Seb wouldn't be too happy with me, and I'd be back at square one.
It's really agony when you think of all of the scenarios that could get you in trouble more than the ones that can benefit you. I've played them out through my head several times over and over; thinking that I'd eventually screw this up and I would never be in Sebastian's good grace's.
It's like I was waiting for the worse to happen. Almost as if I was expecting it.
By the time I reached Forks High, Sebastian had been waiting at the front entrance with a book in his hands and a girl standing next to him. I found myself foolishly grinning at the sight of Sebastian grinning the moment the girl next to him nudged him, informing him that I was here. I could bask in the sight for days if I had to. It was more of adoration, something I've grown accustomed to.
It did make me wonder too. How does Sebastian feel about me? Is the imprint having the same effects on him about me, or is he skilled at hiding how he truly feels? Or am I just plagued with wishful thinking? I know that Emily, Kim and Rachel have become smitten by their imprintee's, so why is mine different? Or had I just been overthinking a lot of this. I admit, there are times that I would catch Sebastian staring at me the same way I did to him, but he'd shake it off the moment I noticed. I just wanted to actually know how that felt when someone you cared for, showed the same affection.
Maybe I was being selfish, but I hadn't asked for much.
"I was surprised when grandpa said you were picking me up today." Sebastian admitted climbing into the passenger side and closing the door. "I thought you'd be busy."
"Well I could always make time when you need me Seb, I've said that more than once." I gave a smile and shifted into drive.
"I know," he replied, "I just don't expect you to jump whenever I need you, you have a life too."
"It's okay Seb." I replied slightly annoyed. "I enjoy spending time with you."
"Same here." He half-smiled before staring out the window in silence.
It was hard to discuss the topic of us to him, mainly because neither of us knew exactly where we stood. Sure we could talk un-end about anything else, but I couldn't exactly tell him that I would drop anything I was doing just to be there for him. I know it still bothered him in some ways that I was fully tied to him.
Like I said, he sees it as an obsession, and I see it as dedication and determination for the life I want, especially since I want him to be a part of it all. I didn't want to scare him away, but I still wanted him to know that I'm here for him whenever he needs me. That he really does mean the world to me.
"I talked to my father." He broke the silence.
"And…" I asked reluctantly.
"He apologized." He said, "he admits that in ways he was wrong about going all about the situation, but he pleaded that I see his way too. He doesn't hate you, or so he made it clear."
"Really?" I quirked a brow.
"He says he understands the dangers of me being near you and the pack." He replied with a sigh, "it's not that he doesn't trust you Jacob, he just doesn't trust what you can turn into. He's mentioned that he's seen the images played out in Sam's thoughts the day he hurt his imprint and just how much it affects him. He worries that one day it could happen."
"I do have control." I said mockingly.
"He knows that," he agreed, "but the fact that I'm not exactly human, that a part of me is supposed to be your sworn enemy, worries everyone in my family. It's more of one day that the tribe decides that I'm more of a threat than anything, and you alone just might now be enough to protect me."
"I've never thought of it in those perspectives." I admitted.
"It's one of my father's main worries, that, and one day that I just might leave the family to be with you." He sighed again. "I understand how he feels about it, but he can't expect me to stay with the family for the rest of my existence. I may stay young forever, but with time, we become wiser and more familiar with what life hands us. I just want you and my parents to understand that I'm not fragile, that I may be half-human, but I'm also half-vampire. I don't exactly break so easily."
"I know that." I said, "but it's more of an instinct than anything. I'll always worry about you just like your parents do."
"You're beginning to sound like him." He mumbled, now smirking then smiling.
"Well sounding like your father is the last thing I want to do." I chuckled at the thought.
It was his suggestion to spend some time at the beach. I would have been concerned on how cold it was, but it wasn't exactly a worry considering I was a walking furnace and his body was accustomed to the cold weathers. We stopped by the house to let Sue know where we were headed before we headed down. I knew then that Seb would most likely have a heart-to-heart talk, and I was okay with it. It was these that would bring us closer and the trust would build once again.
Just as I expected, Sue had sent a bag with what I was sure with something to eat and a blanket. She was aware of our temperatures, but I think it was her motherly instincts kicking in.
It didn't take long before we reached our destination. I put the truck in park and offered to carry the supplies while Sebastian wanted to change into something more comfortable. I didn't question but rather just headed to the beach to wait for him. Not long he arrived in a pair of loose-fitted jeans and a zip-up grey hoodie with a t-shirt under it. He sat next to me on the laid out blanket and gave me a questionable look.
"What?" I asked hesitantly.
"I can feel the heat coming off of you." He giggled, "and your heart is beating a mile a minute."
"No it's not." I could feel myself blush. "I'm just a bit… off at the moment."
"I tend to do that people…" he chuckled mockingly. "It's a curse I tell you."
"Yeah, yeah." I muttered, staring down at my hands. I lay next to him on one elbow, my hands clasped together and my thumbs twiddling. "So why did you want to come here?"
"No reason really." He sighed softly. "I just needed to get away from the family for a bit, that and, I find myself calmer when I am near you."
"Oh." Was all I could say? How do you react to such admittance? It may have seemed like a simple gesture to him, but it meant something much more to me. "Thanks?"
"Did I just make the big bad wolf blush?" He teased poking my bicep, "okay, that made me sound ridiculous." He admitted.
"Seems we can both put each other off guard." I implied, digging through the bag for a sandwich, "can't say that I'm embarrassed either."
"Yeah." He sighed, staring out at the ocean. "I've been finding myself a little bit more of an open book than I realized. Especially around you, is that the imprints doing?"
"A part of it." I swallowed and shrugged, "not everything emotionally has to deal with the imprint, though it does play a big part. I'm sure it works both way, but, when you find yourself growing fond over someone, it's the interest you have."
"Meaning?" He stared at me confused.
"How can I put this?" I gave a sigh and a chuckle, "I've questioned this because of us, but from what I heard, in the beginning, feelings need be developed before the imprint can take full effect. It doesn't just happen as fast as we hoped. When it comes down to it, it's that one look, almost like 'love at first sight,' that determines if the imprint will fall through. Which is why it's sometimes considered a danger and a worry for most if the imprint will be rejected or accepted."
"So I have to like you for the imprint to come to life?" He asked, I nodded, and then he gave me a bashful grin before staring back out at the scenery.
I found myself mirroring his expressions as I came to realizations that there really was hope. It was that look. That one look that determined that I still had a chance, and that I would most likely spend the rest of my life with the person I loved. It was the same look that Emily gave Sam, the one that Kim gave Jared, and the same one that Rachel gave Paul.
Love.
Stability.
And hope.
"I wanted to ask you something." I muttered, "you can say no if you want to." I quickly said.
"Shoot." He said.
"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" I asked reluctantly.
"That's not exactly a yes or no question," he giggled, "but I don't know yet, probably stay with my grandparents and celebrate like we do every year."
"No, it's not that." I said nervously, "I just wanted to run it by you that you can come to Sam and Emily's for dinner." He gave me a questionable look. "That's only if you want to of course."
"I'd like to," I grinned, "but… I'm not sure yet." He added. "I still have a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure if adding that to my parent's grief would be a good thing."
"You still haven't decided?" The question was rhetorical. "I thought that only Charlie and Sue's opinion mattered?"
"It is." He sighed in distress, "but it doesn't change the fact that my mother and father are my parents, even if they haven't been a part of my life for the majority of it. But if it makes it easier on you, I've extended the decision until Christmas."
I couldn't understand why this was still on his mind. I figured that since he started school and his life was just beginning here, he'd want to stay at least until he graduated. What could be the reason other than his parents for him to leave?
"Would you be upset if I say whatever decision you make, that I'm coming with you." I said anxiously. "I don't think I can live without seeing you everyday."
He looked at me with sincerity, eyes slowly filling with tears. I didn't understand how and why he was feeling the way he was. Every emotion he was given off was frustration and guilt and love. It didn't make any sense to me, and all I wanted to do was pull him in and hold him to make it all go away, well except the love. I hoped that it was love for me. But he continued to stare before wiping the tears that threatened to stain his cheeks.
"You want to know why I'm plagued with this decision." I'm sure the question was rhetorical too. "It's because of you."
"Me?"
"Yes you!" He said with a shaky breath, "I wanted to give you that freedom you deserve, but how can I when you're so willing to follow me. I keep thinking that if you do, that one day I just might hurt you, or you me. I know that the imprint is what you say, and I do understand it, but I always feel the guilt of holding you close to me. As much as I try to see your point of view on this, I just keep thinking that there might be a loophole to this and for the first time, everything can come crashing down and we'd be the first ones to break the imprint."
"I've never heard of a broken imprint." I moved in closer. "Where is this all coming from?"
"It's nothing." He replied.
"No, it has to be something. You can tell me Seb." I pleaded.
"It's my parents. It's you!" He stood up quickly with his back facing me, and then turning around with a hurt expression. "My parents finally told me about their struggles for the love they have." He wiped the bloody tear from his eye again. "My father explained how he fell for my mother, and how a vampire's bond is eerily similar to a wolf's imprint. It was the same bond my father formed with my mother. They were so in love in the beginning, and it worsened the moment her life became a threatened. She was human still, and the fact that a vampire tried to hunt her down just for the pleasure, it made my father miserable to the point that he wanted to leave her for her safety, that was until he actually did."
I sat in the same spot and listened, wondering how I actually fit into this.
"Uncle Jasper lost control due to my mother's clumsiness," he sighed in distress, "when that happened, my father realized that him and the rest of my family were a danger to her. So he left her. He left her in so much pain, my mother thinking that she would never be worthy of a love that she had for my father. She wanted everyday to be with him, and if that meant she had to die and become one like him, she would, but that never happened until it came close. The day you saved her."
"Me?" I questioned.
"My mother said that you and the pack saved her from a vampire named Laurent. And it was around the same time that you practically saved her from the oblivion she felt she had been facing. She said that is when your friendship formed and she had always thought my father moved on from her. She was hoping that you would just be the friend she needed until she could get by and one day hopefully seek out my father in hopes for some sort of redemption."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I remember."
"My point is that when my father was willing to end his life because he thought my mother had, made me think just how much they compared their love to what we could have." He sat down again, now facing me. "It made me realize that because of the imprint, it puts you and I in danger."
"How?" I questioned again.
"I thought I could just forget about it sooner than whatever it was sparked, but from what you said, I find that it's too late." I gave him a confused look. "I know now that our future will hold nothing but grief if we cant sort this out." I still looked at him puzzled. "I have to open up and realize that what you feel, is most likely what I feel. I wanted to save you from me, from the trouble I may cause. But if you're so willing to stand by me through all of the trials and tribulations I know were about to face, then I should feel the same."
"What are you saying Sebastian?"
"I'm saying that…" He paused and sighed, "I'm saying that I'm falling in love with you Jacob. I don't want to leave you or my life behind. I know I might be confusing and hard to understand right now, but just to know that if my parents had made it through it together, then I don't have a doubt that we can. I want to have a future with you if you still want it."
"Of course." I replied quickly.
"I can't promise you that we can be in a relationship right away, but I'm willing to go day by day until I can actually call you something more than just a friend." He continued, "Just please. Don't give up on me."
"Never." I murmured with a small smile.
Did we really just have a breakthrough? Was I really getting closer than I had hoped? I worried that it would take longer to get to this point, and now I don't want to dare look back. Whatever challenges we're sure to face, I am willing to stand by his side to do so. I could never give up on him if he asked me.
"It's really going to be something to explain this to my parents." He chuckled. "I'm sure that they'd be still unsure of all of this."
"If you need me there to tell them, I'll be there."
"I know you will." He smiled again, giggling as he wiped his cheek again. "I do want to ask you something though."
"What is it?"
"Would you be willing to leave the pack behind eventually?" He asked nervously. "I mean, if you have to or if you decide that you want to see the world out there."
"There will be a time that I will have to." I admitted, "but that doesn't mean I'll stop phasing."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to end up growing old and dying." I moved in closer. "I couldn't imagine leaving you behind. Like I said, I'm staying as long as you ask me to."
"I think I'd like that." He leaned in for the first time, bringing himself closer than I had ever been to him. "And to answer your question: yes."
"What question?" I asked, slowly sneaking my arm to wrap around him.
"I'd love to go to Sam and Emily's for Thanksgiving."
A/N: I'm sorry if it seems Sebastian's explanation is a bit out of place. I just hope you enjoyed it and understand that he still has his insecurities and that he still is unsure about the imprint… well, maybe not anymore.
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Shout outs go to BurnedSpy, rAbiDmutt03, Demon2Angel, Shalette, Hank's Lady, ASH186, lytebrytehybrid88, Pace1818, PrincessxXxDarkness, hopelessromantic5 and FreeSpirit15.
Much Love,
TurnItUp03